Just want to vent about my LDR and bad gut feelings

[b1a6]

I (F24) have been dating my LDR bf (M30) for about 5 months now. We met online, and after 1 month of chatting, he came to see me in real life for the first time. We have met in real life 3 more times since then. It was fun and I felt attracted to him at first, but now I feel like my interest is waning. At first I thought it was just because of his ambivalence towards being a father in the future (not having kids with ME but just general life goals). But during this break, I have been trying really hard to figure out what exactly it is that I don't like about this hard working, smart, successful, sweet and loyal guy. (Or if I even really dislike him, the distance makes it hard for me to be sure of my feelings.)

 

Our conversation flows well, and we never fight since we share the same beliefs, core values like religion and politics. We are comfortable around each other, even in silence. He is so sweet and he treats me a lot better than my ex bfs. But my gut has been telling me that something is wrong. It started during our second trip together actually, while although I enjoyed his company, I suddenly felt that I wasn't as excited as I should be. I just brushed it off, and I was also preoccupied with what he had revealed to me on that trip- he wasn't sure if he wants kids in the future. (I broke up with him over this issue a few months later; we discussed this more and he really thought he was becoming more positive about kids, so we are currently on a 'break' so he can figure it out.) We also had a couple issues on this trip. One, a minor annoyance. He asked why my instagram was public and said that it would be a good idea to make it private... for my safety. I told him he was being paranoid and that I was careful about what I shared on social media. Later that night he suggested we watch this Netflix show about a guy using information on social media to stalk a girl. He said his roommate recommended it. It was actually an interesting show, but afterwards I felt like my boyfriend's intent was not to show me an interesting show, but "teach me a lesson." He denied it even though he clearly wasn't interested in the show himself (he didn't want to finish watching it). He has brought up this issue a couple times since then but I put it to rest a few months ago when I made it clear that I was not going to change the status of my social media accounts, and I knew how to protect myself. I was starting to wonder if he had something to hide on his own social media, but he did post some pictures with me on there.

 

The next issue was more serious. Although he called me cute a lot, he made some small negative comments about my appearance. "Your skin is dry" "Your eyelids skin is so thin, I can see your veins" things along those lines. I confronted him about it and he said that he didn't know it was upsetting, he was just making observations/jokes. I'm familiar with his country's culture and I know they discuss appearance much more openly there, but I said that the jokes weren't funny and they were just hurting my feelings. He stopped after that and hasn't made a negative comment since. He's actually stepped up his game a lot in regards to giving me compliments, and he didn't complain about my weight when I was 10lbs heavier. He makes me feel fat sometimes though. Okay for some reference I'm a 5'4 130lb girl, he is 5'7 160lb (?) and when I lie on top of him, he acts like he can't breathe and I can't even tell if he's faking it or not.

 

Now onto some less serious concerns. ...his gestures and mannerisms are a turn off I never thought that such a subtle thing would be so important. During our video calls, sometimes he pauses and just stares at me for extended periods of time, smiling. I know it's because he just likes to see me, as do I, and before we met in real life for the first time, we used to just stare at each other like that. But now that we are more comfortable with each other, doing that just feels weird but he keeps doing it and it kinda creeps me out. And then he does a wink. Which I used to do because he liked it, but the fact that he keeps doing it, and doing it as a 30 yo man makes it weird for me. Furthermore there was one time (on our first trip) when he started singing along to a song while driving, and he sang SO LOUD that it literally hurt my ears and I had to cover them. I told him that it was too loud and he hasn't done that since. It was just so weird.

 

The first time we had sex was just awful. He is 30 years old but doesn't know how to thrust his hips properly. My sex drive is way higher than him... I want to have sex 3 times a day but he can only do it once every other day. I know that not every guy can be a sex god, and I don't expect them to be. He hadn't done it in a long time since his previous ex was celibate. I was understanding and encouraged him, told him not to worry and that I'd be patient. But after he finally orgasmed, he made this awful scrunched up face!! He is handsome to me, but that face he makes is awful. He makes that face every time he yawns, too (which I never noticed on video chat I guess). He doesn't know how to kiss properly, he just sticks his tongue in my mouth and swirls it around like a washing machine and yet he rates his kissing skills at 9/10 stars (I actually enjoy that sometimes, but not EVERY TIME! It's either that or just a peck, there's no in-between). He also used to have bad breath, and after asking about it, I found out that he doesn't brush his tongue. He's fixed that now I think.

 

Now I make a lot of jokes and he thinks I'm funny, which is great. It's sooo important to share a sense of humor and that I can be myself around him. But I guess I wish that he made more jokes himself. I don't wanna be the one making jokes all the time. He's not as playful as I am. I tried roleplaying with him at a store pretending to meet for the first time and he wouldn't play along.

 

Next, he does this sniffing thing a lot. I also suffer from allergies so I can sympathize, but it sounds like he's breathing out rather than a normal sniff and he does it really often with no tissue... I asked him about it but he says he's just sniffing and I felt like I would just be a jerk if I asked him to do it less often.

 

Our last trip, when I visited his state, was nice and he took me to see a lot of nice places. We didn't fight even though I was there for 10 days, but there were a couple small things that bothered me. One, I made a simple request for him to leave the bathroom door open after he finished-- I could never tell if someone was in the bathroom or not without knocking, because he would leave the door closed, and there was an automatic light left on in there. He said maybe we can put a device on the door to let you know if it's occupied or unoccupied. I said, wouldn't it just be easier to just make an effort to leave the door open when you leave? He said that it was a habit of his and that it would be too much of a hassle to try to change it. This sounds like such a small thing, right? But it got me thinking, what will happen when we have issues living together down the road and the isn't a machine or object that can fix the problem? Why is it that much of a hassle to even try to change a habit?

 

When I was leaving to go to the airport, I started carrying my suitcase down the stairs. He didn't offer to help so I made a joke, saying "Wow, you're such a gentleman." He said "If you want help, just ask." And that got me thinking as well. He has helped me with other things in the past, but it was strange that I have to ask for him to do gentlemanly things such as offering help with my suitcase. What else will I have to ask for?

 

Anyways, before going on our break, I was getting annoyed with our communication. It was just a bit excessive. He texts me pictures of EVERYTHING that he eats. The texting is constant all day every day, then we would call about twice a day. I know that updating each other throughout the day is normal where he's from and normally I'd be okay with that (I'm the needy type honestly) but it was actually waaay too much. Then he would whine if I didn't want to video call or wasn't showing my face on the video call, which I don't like doing that much because it hurts my eyes to look at a screen for so long, and I have to hold my phone up.

 

Now despite all of these negative things, I have been fighting with my feelings and wondering if I'm just overthinking things... because he does have a lot of great qualities. He planned and executed three trips to my side of the country, takes me to really nice restaurants and places... I know he prioritizes me. He offered to go buy medicine in the middle of the night when I wasn't feeling well, and shows genuine concern for my well-being when I tell him about personal/family issues. I KNOW he would never cheat on me. He is also good at communicating and is willing to work things out when we have a problem (I can't stand guys who totally shut down when they're in a bad mood or conflict arises). He got me little presents while he was away in his home country which I had hinted about and helped me with a foreign document fee issue. He likes adventure and traveling, getting outside sometimes for some fresh air even if it's hot, like me.

 

I don't want to take for granted what I've got, I don't want to regret losing him if I break up again, but my gut keeps telling me he'e just not the one. What would u do if u were me..? I am moving to his state in a month or so for school (I planned to do this even before I met him), getting my own place but we will be only 30 mins apart. I care about him and miss him sometimes but on the other hand I don't feel head over heels like I should only 5 months in...?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, from what I read, you two are not compatible at all.

 

You don't like the guy that much, clearly. It's okay to feel someone isn't your type, both in terms of character and physical attraction. But that's when you need to walk away rather than forcing yourself to stay with someone you aren't fond of.

 

He might be an alright person on paper. However, your heart and mind are trying to tell you that he's not the guy for you.

[madjac74]

Agree with the previous post...and i on't think he is that into you either. Sometimes bad sex isn't because he is bad but because he isn't attracted