Perhaps a unique FWB, looking for tips or potential pitfalls (long read)

[minime13]

So, brief history here: met online (FB) through a mutual friend, lived in the same city, and have been primarily online/social media friends for a few years. Hung out once, made some plans here and there to meet up socially, but plans usually fell through.

 

About 2 years ago, he moved to a different state. Nothing really changed, as we really didn't hang out. About half a year later, I was given the opportunity to move to another state for a promotion (not the same state as him). I asked his advice, and his motivations, etc., and he gave it to me. Ultimately, I decided to go for it.

 

Afterward, we started talking more and became closer friends. I travel quite a bit for my job, and was going to be in his town and we decided to hang out. I was there for 3 days, and we ended up spending a lot of time together over 3 days and really hit it off.

 

A few months later, he came up to visit for a weekend. Had another great time, and toward the end of his visit he proposed taking things into the bedroom. I was hesitant for all the normal reasons one is when it comes to adding sex to a friendship. We didn't do anything on that trip but eventually agreed to put it on the table should the opportunity arise again.

 

Next time we hung out nothing happened, as we both went home for Christmas and I met him and a few of his friends out one night to hang out.

 

February this year rolls around and I have another business trip to his city. We talked a little about adding a sexual relationship when I was down there, laid out some ground rules on wants, needs, and expectations (sexy times stayed in the bedroom, friendship remained outside; neither of us are looking for a relationship; due to the distance and sporadic visits, nobody was expected to be monogamous; friendship was more important than sex so if it became problematic the sex would end), and finally did the deed.

 

And it was great. The whole weekend was great - hanging out afterward wasn't awkward, the sex was greatly enjoyable, and we found ourselves in a long-distance FWB relationship.

 

Since then, things have ramped up quite a bit. We talk every day, check in with each other, sext, send pics and videos, and have sex-related "sessions" long-distance, and have opened up our sexual relationship to explore each other and explore different kinks either of us have that we've been too shy or just haven't had the opportunity to explore.

 

Outside of that we still have our normal conversations, and play a few online games to keep the non-visiting friendship strong, too. Balance is important.

 

A lot of this requires complete trust, communication, and no judgment. And, while pretty new, it's worked great. The time we've had together has been awesome, both in and out of the bedroom. I've been down to visit once more, and he's come up to visit me once more.

 

We have had a hiccup, involving other partners. Along the way, with how much this is becoming regular and a part of daily life, I've started questioning my comfort with having the option of sex outside of our own relationship. As timing would have it, around that time he did let me know that he did hook up with someone else. That question was quickly answered for me - I wasn't okay with it.

 

We talked it out - he did nothing wrong, but the timing of it all was just unfortunate. I think he kind of worried that I was thinking of ending it, and said he wants me in his life, and wants the relationship to continue. The reason it has worked so great is that we've always been open and honest, and have expressed our wants to each other, so what did I want?

 

I wanted it to continue on, but monogamous and he was good with the new arrangement.

 

So now we have a long distance monogamous, I guess still friends with benefits relationship? Dating is really out of the question, because a long distance dating relationship would be pretty difficult to maintain for 2 people who are all in, and neither of us are all in on dating in general, much less trying to do it over long distance.

 

We've kind of moved the bedroom and sexy stuff out of the bedroom a bit with this last visit. There are a lot more grey areas and fewer boundaries than when we started, we're playing around with concealed 'toys" in public spaces, but still maintaining a good friendship when we're together as well as apart.

 

So, it's a very unorthodox (or maybe not - this could be a turning point to where it starts getting complicated, but I hope not) FWB relationship. And we've planned our first visit where there isn't an event going on, but that we're just going to spend time together.

 

So, I am pretty excited about how it's going. He seems pretty excited about how it's going, and we're both comfortable where it's at, and would like to keep it going as long as possible. There's an end-date, at some point, but I'd like some advice on how to keep it going as long as possible.

 

Communication and honestly is obviously the key here. I think we both have a pretty good handle on it. I'm not going to be naive, either. We're obviously blurring some lines that may backfire at a later date, but I still feel like we both know that legitimate dating is really not an option here. So, I think that keeps us grounded in reality.

 

I honestly feel that our age and attitude towards committed relationships plays a big part in this going smoothly so far (and by so far, the plan to add sex to the friendship began in September but the reality has only been since February), as we're both in our 40's and kind of over dating.

 

I know there is a potential pitfall of blurring the lines of friendship and sex a little too much, but I'm comfortable with our main success being in communicating what we want, and checking in on a regular basis. But, I'm not looking at it from the outside, so any advice to keep things great would help.

 

Has anyone found themselves in a very flexible FWB relationship like this? How did it work out? Were you able to keep a friendship going once it ended? Anything to look out for, or anything that should probably change?

 

Thanks for the read and any advice!

[d0nnivain]

Once you agreed to be monogamous you stopped being FWB & started dating exclusively.

 

The "rules" with a standard FWB benefits situation are that once somebody else comes into the picture, the benefits stop, unless that is casual too. Since you couldn't handle him multi-dating & he agreed to only have sex with you, you two stopped casual. You are now in an LDR.

 

Stop getting hung up on the label & just enjoy what you have. Honestly it sounds like if you could work out the geography, you two might actually have something. There is no need to be scared by that. Just embrace how enjoyable what you have now is.

[mark clemson]

So now we have a long distance monogamous, I guess still friends with benefits relationship?

 

Nope. Agreeing with the wise dalmatian. IMO what you have is a LDR with kinks. Hope you have fun with it!

[stillafool]

Has anyone found themselves in a very flexible FWB relationship like this? How did it work out? Were you able to keep a friendship going once it ended? Anything to look out for, or anything that should probably change?

 

 

A FWB relationship is supposed to be casual with no commitments or jealousy. You originally agreed to that but you couldn't handle him seeing another woman. You asked to be exclusive and that's what you guys are now.