Reality check

[nunyanunya]

Me, OM to a former coworker MW with a kid.

 

We'd been coworkers, cubemates, for a few years and our relationship was always appropriate both in and out of work. We take new jobs but still meet up in social settings as normal, but flirting grows. Eventually we both confess to wanting each other, and basically things have been explosive and amazing for the past few months. It's everything I could have imagined and more regarding what I've been missing in my relationships to date, and esp with her. We get caught.

 

I'm not naive to the pain I've caused and my responsibility here, and I have some hard truths to face about the person I've become, but the reason I'm here is because I'm stuck about what to do. Through most of this time, we had been on the same page about the idea that she was actually leaving her marriage for me. I gave her plenty of opportunities to take it back and to frame this as a risk that she's really just infatuated and can't possibly see this as a real thing against the pain of her marriage, but I let her convince me that she was serious. Stop me if you've heard this one before.

 

Last week she recants, and says that it has to end. Breakup feels happen and get dealt with, but later in the week she reaches out to me and wants to meet. We meet and talk and soothe, she wanted advice about how to handle things at home. I pride myself on knowing when I can give impartial advice and I do so in good faith. She confesses that she does want to give us a real shot and this time I gently (excitedly?) lay down the law about how we have to go NC so she can prove to herself and to me that it really is real this time, that if she really wants to give this a shot that she can't run to me just to make her feel better about what sucks, that she actually has to take real steps this time. She doesn't get upset about this (and honestly it makes me feel better that she said this and I can say "this is the path forward"), but I know we've already done this dance once and I offer that she can tell me how the "talk" goes after she gets home. She doesn't, but responds to me a few times throughout the weekend, eventually saying "what happened to nc?" I tell her I'll leave her alone and I've done so since.

 

I already know the answer to this next question, but I feel like I would feel differently if she were to just come back and say "nope I'm going to stay and make it work" vs "no I'm doing what you said and really thinking about everything" but in reality my response is identical. Move on. I've been attempting to rationalize reaching out to her to ask her exactly this, I've always told her that I didn't want to lose her due to a miscommunication, but I also know that if she really is serious then she'll reach out.

 

When I started down this path I got to thinking about how I might be able to justify dealing with all the things that might suck in the future if we were really going to get together against the benefit that I'd really found someone I could deeply connect with. I don't know if that was real or not. I know people get divorced and remarried, even with kids, and why should I not chase this opportunity to be truly happy? I guess I'm here for reality checks, or stories about how this works out successfully in the long run. I know that getting roped in to the whole "I swear I'm leaving" thing won't work, I've read enough on here about that, and I think I've done the only thing I can do to give this a real shot. I have reason to believe she is truly dissatisfied with the marriage, they got together young, kid was unplanned and has put stress on them, and he's been an emotional wreck for years.

 

I'm not sure what else to say but I had to just put all this out there somewhere.

[BTDT2012]

Stay away from her. Let her leave the marriage on her own if that is what she wants to do. She can look you up after the divorce is finalized.

[nunyanunya]

I know all the right answers but its so hard to act them

[notmyfinestmoment]

Welcome Nunyanunya!

 

 

I read your story and it is very similar to mine! I was an OW (divorced, have kids) and met my exMM at work. The passion and chemistry was unlike anything I have experienced. We were together 7 months (I had attempted to walk away from the situation a few times due to the guilt and how strong the feelings were becoming). After two weeks apart, he decided he wanted to end his marriage and start a future with me. When he talked to his wife about how his feelings had changed towards her (she does not know about me), she was blindsided, very sad, and wanted to try to work things out. He felt horrible for how she felt. It changed everything for us. Over the next month, I tried to give him the space he needed, but he would contact me again, trying to be friends, but being just friends never worked because of how we felt about each other and once we would see each other, the feelings were just too intense. We were at a complete stand still. I couldn't bear to have my summer being me watching while he tried to figure things out with his wife. I backed away and told him he should work on his marriage (I could tell he was conflicted). He contacted me again last week and told me how much he missed me. When I met him when he came back from a business trip, it just seemed off. Long story short, over the next few days, his actions and words were no matching (he was actually a pretty big jerk one night). I finally snapped which was completely unlike me. I told him I deserved better and that he wasn't doing a very good job at making his child a priority (I said a few other not nice things). I told him I didn't want him to contact me again and I unfriended him on FB. I just couldn't take anymore of the push/pull. That is the last time I talked to him and it was a week ago. I absolutely hate how things ended. We were so close (as friends, loves, and co-workers). I miss him terribly and I love him but I know I can't go back.

 

You are right to consider that the road will be rough for her/you. Having gone through a divorce myself, I know what a trying time it is. It was a concern for me with my MM because I don't think he was prepared to deal with the fallout of leaving and your MW seems to be in the same boat. I agree that you should try not to contact her for the time being. Let her figure things out, but do not let her drag you along while she is uncertain. That is what I did and it really starts to hurt after awhile. At the same time, I can tell you it really sucks to have to let it go, so I can absolutely relate to what you are going through right now. I am still processing it and still cry everyday.

 

While I don't have a success story for you, I know there are a handful out there. Mine is more of a cautionary tale since it seems like we were in similar circumstances.

 

Good luck....keep posting when you need someone to talk to.

Edited May 28, 2019 by dazey72

[preraph]

It doesn't sound like she wants to leave her husband, so to me, that would be that.

[DKT3]

On another thread I was just talking about the very low number of MM who leave their marriage for the other person, its really low. But here is the thing, its also very low for MW. More MW honestly consider leaving, very few actually do. Even more concerning, those who actually do leave go back or attempt to go back to the husband at a very high rate. If allowed they will bounce back and forth.

[nunyanunya]

@dazey72 Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate the warnings.

 

@preraph Since I initiated NC I actually don't know what she's thinking or doing and its driving me nuts.

 

@DKT3 I should prepare myself for this it seems since this is the most likely and healthy outcome I suppose but god damnit

[mark clemson]

Another thing to consider - if you were to make her marriage more bearable for her by sticking around as an AP, it would prevent her from having to deal with the real issues she's apparently having (e.g. emotional wreck husband). She should (probably) genuinely try to fix it and IF she really can't then leave.

 

As was said above, leaving her to process her issues on her own is almost certainly the best thing to do for HER, even if she may not emotionally want that all the time.

[notmyfinestmoment]

Wasn't trying to warn you necessarily, more empathizing than anything else. Not knowing what they are thinking is really tough and you will drive yourself crazy for a few days/weeks thinking about it.

 

My crystal ball says she will be in touch again. Something could change with her situation, something may not. It will be up to you to decide if you want to proceed. Most people on here have stuck their hand back in the proverbial fire (once, twice, ten times LOL). So don't beat yourself up too much if you find yourself back. Only you will know when it is time to call it.

 

God Damnit is right!! Sucks to have such a strong connection that may not be able to go anywhere. We're here for you!

[mark clemson]

Was going to add: IF she then ends it and comes to you, you and she could give being together a shot.

[Aloha123]

My advice is, no matter which outcome you want, the best possible thing you can do is pull back.

Because as long as you do not, she does not does not have to make any hard decisions and can take you for granted, literally.

And of course, even if ending this is what is ultimately best/inevitable, better to rip the bandaid off sooner rather than later.

But basically no or limited contact is the best course of action under either scenario.

Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.

[nunyanunya]

I must be delusional. I'm not new to this forum and I've read all the horror stories. As soon as she told me she was thinking of giving this a serious shot in the beginning I told her that we should call it off because I was just enabling her and that we owed each other the opportunity to see if this was real and not just pain relief. I failed in enforcing this and here I am. The chemistry was off the charts....

 

@Dazey Thank you I get what you were saying. I have a feeling she'll reach out again, I have a hard time believing she has the patience to wait for things to get better but thats a whole different question than being right for me. I'm prepared for anything but really it sucks to have to let this go.

 

Thanks all. Still interested to hear stories of how this has worked out successfully for yall. Keep the reality checks coming.

[BourneWicked]

Thanks for sharing your story! I'm another office victim (ha..ha)

 

Agree with what others had said, though easier said than done. My story is similar to others, and went so roller-coaster repeat I stopped posting. Just recently 'we' hit a turning point (or I did).

 

Over the last few months, our interaction got very spotty. I realized that he had time for other people (weeks with his family! weekends with his neighbors and friends!) and I got... "12 minutes before I have to go into my next meeting."

 

It was gradual. It took me a very, very long time. Over two and a half years honestly. But finally, finally I decided I cared enough about me not to want to waste my time on this. Additionally, I have a couple coworkers (male and female) that I would just about trust with my life. I trust them not to cross my boundaries, I trust them to have my back at work, I trust them to tell the truth. MM? None of those things. I don't trust him to go for a drink with friends and not pick up a chick. Maybe he's capable; who knows; honestly, I know him at arms length. I don't know what he does on a rainy Sunday afternoon. I don't know if he wears socks at home or walks around barefoot.

 

So for me it's been... as stated by others... it will finally end when you cannot take one more fresh wound.

 

Anyway I blocked his email a couple weeks ago and went 'gray rock' at work. I miss what could have been... but without trust, without quality time... there is no relationship. For him, I need to focus on the negative to not get roped back in. I'm overall a trusting, generous sort, so this is hard and goes against my nature, but I need to do it. When I have to talk to him, I picture talking to him through a door with a little sliding window on it. On the one side is him and work items, and on the other side, safely protected, is my whole world that he no longer has any access to.

 

He thinks we can talk, still be friends. How was my weekend, hope you are well - I gray rock him "good thanks. you too!" Close out of the convo. I used to worry about hurting his feelings. Over a very, very long period of time, I realized that the level of feeling I have does not match his level of feeling. I'm a supporting actress in a cast of characters in his life. Probably not even the lead love interest; i'm pretty sure there are a few others that play harder to get he's after. Who knows. Who cares.

 

So a little thread hijack but just wanted to share since yours is a work story too. I used to be jealous. I still am... but only a little. I mostly realize that he can't love me the way I want, deserve, to be loved. I focus on the /actions/ my partner takes, and MM's own complete lack of anything... any sort of commitment, scheduling of time, heck what you have (at one time, a suggestion you could be together) is more than we have. Basically, it's nothing. And I'm just... letting it be.

 

In the off chance that I have to meet him in person for work again, I'm well armed for dinner conversation about how everyone met their partners =)

[darkbloom]

OW here. The only difference to your relationship and mine is that I never told him we could be together. I told him that his decisions are his to make and I will support him either way. I think my MM is too scared to leave the comfort of his marriage. He has a great marriage and no issues he said he’s happy with her but could be happier with me. I have no idea what that means. This has been on and off for two years but I refuse to meet with him. I told him if we he wants to meet, it needs to be with signed divorce papers. He has yet to pull the trigger on that one and I don’t think he will.

[lurker74]

There seem to be three categories of MM/MW that stick to their marriages...

 

1) Cake eaters - here on LS, most people will say they are just cake eaters...they want to have their cake and eat it too and don't care who they hurt. Those people most definitely exist.

 

2) Comfort-seekers - Some people probably really do love you but can't bring themselves to leave their established lives. When they meet with you, it's great for them but involves a lot of stress so when they go back "home" there's no longer energy for increasing the stress by ending their marriages so they don't. They actually get their comfort at home and their fun with you but they aren't TRYING to hurt you...just weak.

 

3) Conflict avoiders - They don't want to hurt people because they are people pleasers. This might be what attracted you to them in the first place but the idea of hurting their spouse or their children is not conceivable outside of the intense feelings they have when they're with you.

 

Most people on this forum lump people into category one. Your MW sounds a bit like a combo 2/3. Not sure - I don't know her. But it really doesn't matter because there's no combination of events or actions that will get her past those obstacles. She either HAS to deal with the stress or she HAS to hurt her family, and she just won't.

 

And you also have to know...all that greatness that you feel when you're with her? Most of it is a lie. It's what comes from an exciting, sexual relationship in which there are no actual responsibilities. No bills to pay, not kids to get to soccer. Just romance and sex. You probably know that and it doesn't make it easier to read it, but sometimes you have to remind yourself that a real relationship doesn't happen that way.

[anika99]

There seem to be three categories of MM/MW that stick to their marriages...

 

1) Cake eaters - here on LS, most people will say they are just cake eaters...they want to have their cake and eat it too and don't care who they hurt. Those people most definitely exist.

 

2) Comfort-seekers - Some people probably really do love you but can't bring themselves to leave their established lives. When they meet with you, it's great for them but involves a lot of stress so when they go back "home" there's no longer energy for increasing the stress by ending their marriages so they don't. They actually get their comfort at home and their fun with you but they aren't TRYING to hurt you...just weak.

 

3) Conflict avoiders - They don't want to hurt people because they are people pleasers. This might be what attracted you to them in the first place but the idea of hurting their spouse or their children is not conceivable outside of the intense feelings they have when they're with you.

y.

 

I'm really not seeing much difference in those categories. All 3 selfishly doing what makes them feel good regardless of who gets hurt.

 

OP I would say you should remain no contact and live your life as though your MW is never going to end her marriage. Use this time to heal, grow and move forward. Right now it sounds like you are in a state of waiting which isn't good for you. If your MW properly leaves her husband and files for divorce then you can always renew the relationship but for now you should be using no contact as a means of moving on.

[Orokotikki]

Nothing unique at all here.

1.Tell his wife.

2.Adopt true NC.

3.Better yourself (recover in IC).

4.Confront and overcome all excuses which are preventing you from the above 3.

5. Enjoy a better life as a better more fulfilled person who can have a fulfilling genuine relationship with an available (not seeing another person, not married) man.

[nunyanunya]

She reached out to me to tell me she's trying to make it work with her husband. I know I shouldn't have been waiting on this certainty but its nice that I got it and I'll be moving on.

 

@lurker good points about the fantasy. Its good to read about bubble bursting even though I know/knew that a real relationship will have a lot more too it. I like your categories, they make me feel better even though I know the response is the same for me no matter what she's really doing.

 

Thank you for sharing your stories and helping me see reality.

[nunyanunya]

Ugh ok I know there's nothing new here and I'm being a baby, but damn this sucks.

[Naivewomen]

Your heartbroken so it hurts like hell. Walk through the pain it will get better. You definitely dont want someone who wants another person. Just keep replaying that until it finally sinks in. It's a process.... find someone pshycially and emotionally available for you. She was none of those things. Fight through the illusion of what you thought you had with her. It's not reality.

[nunyanunya]

@Naivewomen Thank you

[notmyfinestmoment]

I'm sorry, I know that wasn't what you wanted to hear from her. At least you know where her mind is and you can start trying to grieve the loss. It is really hard because you didn't want it to end....an I don't necessarily think she did either. It's just very hard to think of moving on from a marriage and upsetting your kid's world. It's best that she does everything she can to work things out on that end. That way, she won't have any regrets.

 

I know it sucks. I am still in the process of it sucking myself. The first couple of weeks of NC are pretty brutal. Keep posting, we'll get you through it.

[BourneWicked]

It is a terrible form of kindness that she told you she wants to work it out with her husband. Other MM/MW string their others on for years. Sorry that was the result but I hope you can truly use it to close the door.

[nunyanunya]

Thank you all. I will come back when I'm struggling to be sure.

[nunyanunya]

Well. The past months have been a rollercoaster of on again off again stuff. She now tells me that she's been keeping me at bay because she thinks I have questionable moral character. While yes, this kind of situation is only possible because both people compromise their character on some level, apparently whatever happened and how it went down makes her discount me as a long term prospect. I'm having a hard time getting all the words out, but this revelation in her thinking has just been the biggest gut punch so far. Going from "not leaving, not your fault, will miss you" to "nah you're not useful for more than just fun" not direct quotes of course but my paraphrasing, just blindsided me. I feel like I'm trying to hold my guts in right now. And I'm really not sure what I'm trying to say, just here to express it and see what happens.