Lamenting the one that got away, even after moving on to new relationship

[emeraldgreen]

I'm in a relationship, a really good one, with a girl who is gorgeous, considerate, totally invested in me and makes me laugh to the point of tears. I love her and I definitely see long-term potential.

 

A girl I wanted to marry just married someone else and it got to me the last few days. I was fine since leaving her life. I've made self-development a priority as if my life depended on it, but I slipped.

 

Logically, I understand why it didn't work, and why she wasn't as good for me as the current GF. Emotionally, I still feel ripped off, I feel the sense of failure, the burn of being 2nd to someone else, and resentment over times I remember not feeling important to her.

 

If you've ever been in the situation, how did you get your head back in the present, and enjoy the amazing things right in front of you instead of looking at old regrets? Anything practical and cognitive (like making lists of reasons the other was not the right one) etc is appreciated.

[mark clemson]

Think about the things about your current GF that are an improvement over the old one?

 

Recognize that the resentment the old GF caused was inevitable due to both of your qualities and interactions, and so focusing on the past is really just a waste of time?

 

Continue to self-improve as this provides one of many distractions?

 

Focus on your gratitude for the many good things you have in your life with or without the old GF?

[Foxhall]

I know I will have to deal with this some day when my Mexican friend marries someone else ( lol I have not completely given up yet that it will be me either!)

 

I tend to view it in the broader picture of life, I was involved in a car crash and my only injury was a broken arm, a number of people have said to me how lucky I was that was not killed,

 

so in that context the antics of ex-girlfriends and so on is not such a big deal,

 

all you can do is live your own life in the best possible way- your the chap with the younger girlfriend I think- so your doing ok!

[elaine567]

I guess this new girl is not ticking your boxes, on paper yes, but in reality no.

You know she SHOULD, as she is gorgeous, kind, sweet... but she isn't, so your thoughts wander off to your old love...

[stillafool]

 

Logically, I understand why it didn't work, and why she wasn't as good for me as the current GF. Emotionally, I still feel ripped off, I feel the sense of failure, the burn of being 2nd to someone else, and resentment over times I remember not feeling important to her.

 

 

Normally most people date many people before they marry. Of course we're not going to be number 1 to all of them but now you are #1 to your current gf. Why isn't that enough?

[stillafool]

I guess this new girl is not ticking your boxes, on paper yes, but in reality no.

You know she SHOULD, as she is gorgeous, kind, sweet... but she isn't, so your thoughts wander off to your old love...

 

And, if the above is true. What are your boxes?

[Trail Blazer]

I guess this new girl is not ticking your boxes, on paper yes, but in reality no.

You know she SHOULD, as she is gorgeous, kind, sweet... but she isn't, so your thoughts wander off to your old love...

 

I hate to say it but I think you're right. I think the reality is he's still hung up about his ex. On paper she's everything, but if there's still a flame flickering for that ex, it can be real hard to fully extinguish.

[vla1120]

Your ex is an ex for a reason. What was the reason and how does your current GF compare in that category?

 

Either way, your ex is now married, so whatever the regrets are - nothing can be done about it. You need to come to terms with that and ask yourself if your current GF is going to be enough for you.

 

Sometimes, we retain the fond memories and forget how deeply someone hurt us (which is one of the reasons I keep a journal, because I tend to forgive and forget very quickly. It has burned me in the past. The journal reminds me of the good AND the bad.)

 

So, yes, I would make a list of all the good and the bad (and make sure you don't leave it somewhere your GF can find it! These are probably temporary feelings and you wouldn't want to hurt her by having her find that type of list about the ex.)

Edited June 4, 2019 by vla1120

[Bantosm]

If you've ever been in the situation, how did you get your head back in the present, and enjoy the amazing things right in front of you instead of looking at old regrets? Anything practical and cognitive (like making lists of reasons the other was not the right one) etc is appreciated.

You wanted to marry her so it makes a no sense to say that she wasn't the right one. Don't trivialize how you felt at an earlier time in order to cope with today. Accept the fact that she was very important to you, try to understand what she brought to your life for which your current SO doesn't that leaves you feeling a sense of failure.

 

Your ex is an ex for a reason.

Many outside factors influence the success of a relationship.

[emeraldgreen]

I guess this new girl is not ticking your boxes, on paper yes, but in reality no.

You know she SHOULD, as she is gorgeous, kind, sweet... but she isn't, so your thoughts wander off to your old love...

 

Untrue. You can enjoy something new and still have regrets to let go of in order to truly embrace the future.

[emeraldgreen]

You wanted to marry her so it makes a no sense to say that she wasn't the right one.

 

When someone doesn't reciprocate, they're not the right one. That's indisputable.

[emeraldgreen]

Anyways, I've managed to put this to bed. What stirred this up was that girl #1 tried calling me the day before her wedding day. I nuked that into oblivion and closed the door on her in a way that will never have her calling me again, and I've blocked the number (it was a new number but I recognised the country code).