Author RoseGold18 Posted May 29, 2019 Author Share Posted May 29, 2019 Okay so I am the fool having sex with a married man who probably doesn’t care about me at all. Even if the sex might be better between us I’m sure that in most guys minds it’s really all the same. I thought I could casually do this but maybe because I am so lonely in my marriage it is making it impossible. He probably sees me as a fool and I’m sure a whore. Maybe I’ll just stop messaging him and see if his feelings for me are real. I’ve told him many times that I might leave my husband to which he asks if I will still see him and asks if I will wait for him. I told him I might still see him but that I would be looking for someone who was available. I’m not looking to get remarried ever, but I would like some companionship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 29, 2019 Share Posted May 29, 2019 (edited) Either way I lose. I lose if I stay and I lose if I go. Certainly, if what you value is money and you plan to maintain the pricey preschool, your beautiful home, and your affluent lifestyle... Not saying that it won’t be stressful and hard to be a single parent, as significant sacrifices would need to be made. You may have to enrol your son in a public school... you may need to sell the house and downsize, move to an area with a more reasonable cost of living... It can be done. But, if you say it can’t, then it won’t. To a certain degree, you are trading money for happiness. And as they say about women who do this when they marry, you are going to earn every penny... Edited May 29, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 29, 2019 Share Posted May 29, 2019 Oh believe me I know it doesn’t make sense. But it’s like I can’t help myself. I crave it so badly. I’ve deprived myself for so long... 9 years. 9 years of horrible sex or no sex at all. I miss that connection. My husband has never made me climax. He doesn’t care to learn. He is a dud in bed. I loved him for a long time. I really did. But I just can’t do it anymore. I know it really doesn’t make sense but I feel like it’s a need of mine. I physically hurt. I can’t stand it. My body just throbs and aches. I can’t explain it and I am ashamed. I do wonder what the OM must think of me because it’s obvious when we’re together that I am desperate. How long do you plan to live this way, for the rest of your life or your husband's? You better strap yourself end for a long, hard, lonely road if you don't consider divorce. You are 36 and still have time to marry again and be happy. If you stay and depend on the OM for sex and love pretty soon that pool is going to dry up and you will be years older and still where you are now except you will be eaten up with bitterness because of lost opportunities. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseGold18 Posted May 29, 2019 Author Share Posted May 29, 2019 How long do you plan to live this way, for the rest of your life or your husband's? You better strap yourself end for a long, hard, lonely road if you don't consider divorce. You are 36 and still have time to marry again and be happy. If you stay and depend on the OM for sex and love pretty soon that pool is going to dry up and you will be years older and still where you are now except you will be eaten up with bitterness because of lost opportunities. Yup I think about this everyday. I wish we never had a baby and I could just leave with no baggage. I’m wasting away what I have left of my youth. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 29, 2019 Share Posted May 29, 2019 How do you know that your husband is not involved in his own affair? How old is he? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 29, 2019 Share Posted May 29, 2019 How do you know that your husband is not involved in his own affair? How old is he? Not to speak for Rosegold... But as has been previously discussed in other threads, it almost sounds like her husband is potentially on the autism spectrum. This has never been a particularly intimate or sexual relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseGold18 Posted May 29, 2019 Author Share Posted May 29, 2019 How do you know that your husband is not involved in his own affair? How old is he? I don’t but even if he was I don’t care. I just know he’s never been a sexual person. Not with me anyway. He told me it was a chore long ago. We used to have sex maybe once a month during our prime. Then it dwindled down to never when I was pregnant to maybe once every 3 months after our son was born. That’s how dead our relationship really is. He is 39. I am 36. We’ve been together almost 11 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseGold18 Posted May 29, 2019 Author Share Posted May 29, 2019 Not to speak for Rosegold... But as has been previously discussed in other threads, it almost sounds like her husband is potentially on the autism spectrum. This has never been a particularly intimate or sexual relationship... I no longer think he is on the spectrum but do know he has performance issues. I wonder if he just has low testosterone. He has a hard time getting an erection and even when we did have sex he mostly had a hard time ejaculating. But more importantly, at least to me, it’s the lack of desire that hurts me the most. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 29, 2019 Share Posted May 29, 2019 But more importantly, at least to me, it’s the lack of desire that hurts me the most. I can appreciate that. Most definitely. It is your choice of how to deal with the situation that I worry is rather unproductive and destructive. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 He will get over it. His wife will help him... As to what he says, as Dr Phil says - how do you know when a married man who is trying to get you into his bed is lying to you... when his lips are moving. As much as you would like to believe that he was heartbroken, I would take anything he says with a grain of salt. Actually, if he was truly heartbroken in the past it may fuel his justification for using OP for NSA fun these days. It's a theory. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 He probably sees me as a fool and I’m sure a whore. Maybe I’ll just stop messaging him and see if his feelings for me are real. How would that help? He won't want to lose his woman on the side, sure, but as for real feelings? He has 3 children to a woman he still makes love to, what does that tell you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 If I had a place to go that would help me figure things out for a while I would. I’m sure I could figure it out over time. I do have substantial savings. But I am so scared of being a single mom. That’s not the sort of family life I wanted to give to my son. Please stop pretending this is about your son. It's about you not wanting to lose your lifestyle, the very lifestyle that allows you to carry on your affair in the first place. I starting to think your cheating isn't really about sex, it's more about providing a band aid that keeps you from having to really face the state of your marriage and make some tough decisions. In the end, it's making you suffer even more by allowing you to remain stuck. How about taking whatever money you use for your affair, hobbies and other "me" stuff and funnel it into getting yourself some therapy to find out why you are willing to remain so unhappy for no real reason. If you don't feel you can access it in your community, you can find counselors online. Why not reach out to one, explain your situation and seek some input? What do you have to lose? The worst thing tat could happen is they do;t help and you just keep on going down the path you are on. The best? You may just find a way out of this situation that allows everyone to walk away relatively unharmed. You'll be able to hold your head up high and create the best home life for your child. Your om will be forced to sort out his own life, and you and your husband can figure out yours. While you do so, you will have support in your corner to help give you a fighting chance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 I'm not going to judge you for how you deal with your sex-less marriage because I know that there may be other reasons that keep you together. I do think that in all things, being honest about who we are and what we need is important. This may not mean giving your husband a running commentary of everything you do with OM, but it should mean giving him the information that you are intimate with someone else so that he can make informed decisions about whether to have sex with you in the future. I am a very ethical person, and I would want to make sure that I was not a party to duping the BW. What does your gut tell you about his "open marriage" claims? I'd like to think that if there is more honesty all around, that you will figure out how to proceed in the best ways to meet your needs. Your husband may surprise you by being willing to try counseling or by wanting a more formal separation. The OM may have suggestions for how to keep your relationship satisfactory to both of you, or he may reveal that he's been dishonest and you will have to reckon with that. Right now you seem to be stuck in a limbo that you may get out of simply by having more information, and by giving others the information they deserve to have themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 But more importantly, at least to me, it’s the lack of desire that hurts me the most. op, It could be your husband is asexual. My older daughter (21) identifies as such. If your husband is asexual, it's not "you" he's rejecting. You could be the world's most beautiful woman who was known around the globe for being the greatest lover there ever was, and it wouldn't matter. It's not "you" that's the problem, it's the sex. Don't get me wrong. Asexuals can form very loving romantic relationships. Some can and do have sex, but it's not a "need". They do it for their spouse/partner, but if it were up to them, it wouldn't even be on the table. From what I understand it's often really hard for people, especially men, to admit, even to themselves, they are asexual. I'm not saying this is for sure what's going on with our husband , but it's worth exploring. If he is truly asexual, then that is just who he is. I'm not sure how you two could move forward, but at least it might give you some answers. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 I know a couple who realized one of them is asexual and one of them is gay. They have a child and need to remain married for various reasons. They bought a duplex and live in separate units in the same house. They appear to be very good friends and coparents. This is why I advocate honesty. You may be surprised at the solutions that present themselves when you are honest about your desires. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 If/when you consider telling your husband about the affair, I'd suggest you talk to a family attorney as well. Many will give free 1/2 hour consults. The reason is that a small number of states have laws that can significantly impact divorce settlements if infidelity is involved. I understand that in a few the betrayed spouse can also sue the affair partner, sometimes with substantial judgments awarded. If you live in one of these states, think this could be a significant factor in any decision to tell/not tell your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 All it will take is one D-Day (which will come) to blow your world wide open. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Rose gold, this affair is hurting you more than its helping you. Will you be very sad when it's over yes but you have to walk through that pain and then figure out the best life possible for you and your son. What you believe that will make you happy if it's the MM will never be your reality. You are wasting precious time. You are definitely young enough to move forward and find someone worth your love and desire. I'm pulling for you, keep finding that inner strength. Once the pain outweighs the good you will know your ready to walk away. This MM can offer you only crumbs. You are worth much more. Take it from someone who didnt think so. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 I have no advice whatsoever, but your story is ALMOST identical to mine. Married to an asexual husband, separate bedrooms, basically sexless, but a very nice man, good father, etc. Got involved with a MM who actively pursued me. I originally got involved because i had not had that sort of attention in so long, plus quite honestly for the sexual part. But I quickly got emotionally attached and in WAY over my head. And he too is happily married, actually has a GREAT sex life with his wife (which he tells me all about, totally inappropriately and just to give you an indication of what a "gem" he is). And I am consumed by jealousy of his wife and marriage. Of course, having a woman on the side to feed his ego and keep things interesting only seems to enhance his life/marriage, whereas it obviously makes mine worse, ESPECIALLY by way of comparison. Seeing him have what I want and don't have, with his wife, is the ultimate slap in the face. It's a win-win for him, lose-lose for me. All I can say is keep coming back to this forum. I joined almost one year ago to the day (one year into what is now a two year affair), and it has helped me distance myself from it and gain an important perspective. Not only are things basically ending with him, but I have made great progress in figuring out what I want to do about my marriage going forward (which sadly will probably be divorce). Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 And I've said this before, but I really can't stand when people respond to a woman saying her marriage is sexless by suggesting that the husband is/must be having an affair too. My husband is far too asexual, and honest as they come. I WISH to god he was involved with somebody else, as it would obviously make things much easier because at least then we'd both be in the same boat. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Here is what has continued to confuse me about mw/ow, Aloha you say you are jealous of his wife and marriage. Hmm, that is odd being that he is apparently cheating without reason, simply because he found a willing partner on the side. Ask yourself would you really want to switch places with his wife? These people are not the amazing people with amazing lives that the AP believe them to be. Imagine you are in a relationship with him and you find him doing what he is doing to her. Missing something in you marriage doesn't mean someone offering you just that is amazing, which I believe you are slowly getting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseGold18 Posted May 30, 2019 Author Share Posted May 30, 2019 How would that help? He won't want to lose his woman on the side, sure, but as for real feelings? He has 3 children to a woman he still makes love to, what does that tell you? Yeah I get what you’re saying and I don’t disagree... however this guy (as most guys) just loves sex. He does still have sex with his wife but he has told me before that it’s “vanilla”. I guess I just thought if I called it off maybe he might realize he is losing me and he’ll try to keep me somehow. I don’t know. Before we started sleeping together he told me he was on a few dating sites. He was out looking for other girls. He still tells me he has an open marriage but I do know that sometimes he’ll say things that make me realize that he doesn’t tell his wife the truth all the time. I’m not convinced he is in love with his wife. She got knocked up after having sex with him 2 times and he did the right thing and supported her and they eventually got married. Now they have 3 children. Either way I do know that i could never trust him 100%. He is tall and handsome. Women flock to him and he knows what he is doing in bed. You can tell he’s had a lot of experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 (edited) Here is what has continued to confuse me about mw/ow, Aloha you say you are jealous of his wife and marriage. Hmm, that is odd being that he is apparently cheating without reason, simply because he found a willing partner on the side. Ask yourself would you really want to switch places with his wife? These people are not the amazing people with amazing lives that the AP believe them to be. Imagine you are in a relationship with him and you find him doing what he is doing to her. Missing something in you marriage doesn't mean someone offering you just that is amazing, which I believe you are slowly getting. I agree. It makes no sense and is completely irrational! It's just further proof of how delusional I am, and the level of fantasy involved, the completely unjustified "magical thinking", the absurd way I have put him and them on a pedestal. Like, if only I were her, married to him, things would be great. Lately I have been able to identify 2 discrete things that I know they do have that I want but do not have in my marriage 1) sexual attraction to one another 2) companionship insofar as they actually seem to enjoy one another's company and have fun together. Whether I ever had or will be able to have those things with my husband, I can't really say, but I doubt it. And since the wife is and probably always will be in a state of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her", I am just envious of her present perspective. Edited May 30, 2019 by Aloha123 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseGold18 Posted May 30, 2019 Author Share Posted May 30, 2019 Rose gold, this affair is hurting you more than its helping you. Will you be very sad when it's over yes but you have to walk through that pain and then figure out the best life possible for you and your son. What you believe that will make you happy if it's the MM will never be your reality. You are wasting precious time. You are definitely young enough to move forward and find someone worth your love and desire. I'm pulling for you, keep finding that inner strength. Once the pain outweighs the good you will know your ready to walk away. This MM can offer you only crumbs. You are worth much more. Take it from someone who didnt think so. I am indeed hurting more than it hurting. I know deep down I need to call this affair off but I know I will miss the sex (and him). Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseGold18 Posted May 30, 2019 Author Share Posted May 30, 2019 (edited) All I can say is keep coming back to this forum. I joined almost one year ago to the day (one year into what is now a two year affair), and it has helped me distance myself from it and gain an important perspective. Not only are things basically ending with him, but I have made great progress in figuring out what I want to do about my marriage going forward (which sadly will probably be divorce). I am sorry to hear you’re heading for divorce. I know it’s common but it’s so much harder than what I had thought it would be. (Deciding to divorce and having to be a single parent) I really thought my husband and I built such a strong foundation. But boy do I miss intimacy. I’m used to having guys be obsessed with me sexually. My husband was never like that which I liked at first. I feel so stupid to get myself in this situation. Edited May 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited Link to post Share on other sites
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