Getting attached to the OM

[mark clemson]

My understanding is that generally in a marriage the sex tends toward what the more sexually conservative partner is willing to do/interested in.

 

No doubt there are exceptions and folks with interest in learning new things over time. But consider - if one partner likes rough sex or being tied up or whatever and the other simply doesn't want to do it - well, it's probably not going to happen too frequently.

[RoseGold18]

I saw the MM last night and we didn’t have a good time.

 

Maybe he was just having a bad day but he was getting mad at me for not wanting to end my marriage to be with him. We talk about it as a fantasy but I told him a while ago that for the kids sake (very young children) that I understand why parents stay together. Plus he supports his wife who is a stay at home mom so he knows he would have to pay a lot financially. We’ve had brief discussions about it, but for the most part he doesn’t talk about his relationship to me.

 

Last night was something else. He was getting upset when I talked about growing old with my husband and overly jealous. Making comments about how my life doesn’t just drop because I had a child and I don’t need to stay just because of my child. That I deserve to be happy and loved.

 

But it was sort of aggressive to the point where I started crying and it was nonstop even when we were having sex. It was not fun for me. It made me feel awful, sad, stuck, sick to my stomach.

 

I do love MM but the thought of leaving my husband and breaking up my family really scares me. I told him my husband is a good man, good father, doesn’t abuse me and I would feel guilty breaking up my family. My issue with my husband is there is no intimacy. We sleep in separate rooms and we haven’t had sex in over a year.

 

But my life overall is easy with one child. The MM has 3 kids and that scares me. He is used to going to work and going out when he wants while his wife stays at home with their 3 kids. That’s not the life I want and I don’t think I could mentally handle it. I don’t know... maybe once the kids get older I will feel differently.

 

I was really surprised by the whole night. Usually we get together and have drinks and just chit chat about fun stuff and then we have great sex. I don’t know what to think of it.

 

It makes me sad because I do want to be with the MM. I miss him everyday and think about him nonstop but I am sad to leave my family and know that my life would be drastically different with 4 kids verses 1.

 

I told him i can’t change the past (us from 15 years ago) and he said he knew but that we could change the future.

Edited June 15, 2019 by RoseGold18

[skywriter]

RoseGold18, It doesn't sound like either of you are getting your needs met, your relationship or lack thereof, is not allowed to grow and meet all of your needs, which change daily based on what's going on in your lives.

[elaine567]

But my life overall is easy with one child. The MM has 3 kids and that scares me. He is used to going to work and going out when he wants while his wife stays at home with their 3 kids. That’s not the life I want and I don’t think I could mentally handle it.

 

Have you told him that?

[BaileyB]

Tell him you will file for divorce when he does - and not a moment before.

 

Seriously, if he ever was to divorce his wife, which I don’t think he will do, it would be unwise to move in together. He would have to find his own place and let his children settle. Only then would I consider being with him.

 

DO NOT file for divorce because your MM pressures you to do it.

 

What you saw last night was good old fashioned jealousy. And - the arrogance, entitlement, and manipulative behaviour that allows his man to do what he does - cheat on his wife and children. That side of him is not quite so attractive - is it?

[DKT3]

Hmm interesting point, no intamatcy in your marriage for a year, coincidentally your affair has been going on for a year.

 

Of course the two are not connected, right?

[RoseGold18]

Hmm interesting point, no intamatcy in your marriage for a year, coincidentally your affair has been going on for a year.

 

Of course the two are not connected, right?

 

Our intimacy sucked before my affair... that’s why I started an affair. Before this we would have sex maybe once every 3-6 months.

 

My husband is either asexual or has erectile dysfunction. He isn’t affectionate or anything.

[RoseGold18]

Tell him you will file for divorce when he does - and not a moment before.

 

Seriously, if he ever was to divorce his wife, which I don’t think he will do, it would be unwise to move in together. He would have to find his own place and let his children settle. Only then would I consider being with him.

 

DO NOT file for divorce because your MM pressures you to do it.

 

What you saw last night was good old fashioned jealousy. And - the arrogance, entitlement, and manipulative behaviour that allows his man to do what he does - cheat on his wife and children. That side of him is not quite so attractive - is it?

 

You’re probably spot on that it’s just jealously. He’s been like that before about me being with other guys but nothing like he was last night. Basically seemed angry that I wasn’t planning on leaving my husband.

 

According to him him and his wife have an open marriage so he isn’t necessarily cheating on his wife and kids. He said him and his wife just don’t love each other.

 

I don’t know he just seemed so off from how he usually is. Maybe he was just having a bad day.

[BaileyB]

Again, I wonder if his wife would agree that they are in an open marriage... I personally don’t know many women with three children who want an open marriage...

 

And FYI, jealousy is not a sign that he “loves you dearly...” or that he “loves you so much that he doesn’t want you to be with another man...” It’s a sign that he lacks respect for you, lacks respect for your marriage, has an inflated sense of self importance, and lacks self control.

[mark clemson]

He is used to going to work and going out when he wants while his wife stays at home with their 3 kids. That’s not the life I want and I don’t think I could mentally handle it.

 

Well, that makes the decision fairly simple at least.

 

 

It makes me sad because I do want to be with the MM. I miss him everyday and think about him nonstop .

 

That doesn't last forever, fortunately. Probably 1-3 years.

[BaileyB]

But my life overall is easy with one child. The MM has 3 kids and that scares me. He is used to going to work and going out when he wants while his wife stays at home with their 3 kids. That’s not the life I want and I don’t think I could mentally handle it.

 

It makes me sad to leave my family and know that my life would be drastically different with 4 kids verses 1.

 

First, I think you are way too far ahead of yourself here. Just because he wants you to leave your husband doesn’t mean he plans to leave his wife. And, even if he does leave his wife, it doesn’t actually mean he wants a life with you.

 

IF he does leave his wife, I think you are right to be concerned. IF that is truly the dynamic he has with his wife, I would be VERY unhappy caring for the children at home while he is going to work and out doing... whatever. Because let’s face it, if he replaces her with you, he is going to have a vacant position that he may be inclined to fill - he will be missing the illicit sex and excitement he is enjoying wish you at the present moment...

 

I get the sense that you like the good life - you would rather stay in a bad marriage than do the hard thing and make the sacrifices required to end it. Truth be told, you get with MM and your life as “affair partner turned now wife and step mother of three” - is going to be anything but easy...

 

But it was sort of aggressive to the point where I started crying and it was nonstop even when we were having sex. It was not fun for me. It made me feel awful, sad, stuck, sick to my stomach.

 

That is cruel. I would have ended it right there.

[RoseGold18]

 

 

 

 

That doesn't last forever, fortunately. Probably 1-3 years.

 

Agreed 100%

 

I said something along those lines and that made him upset as well saying that I was cynical and pessimistic, which is true, I am.

 

He said he loves me and there isn’t many people in this world that you feel that way about. I agree with that as well, and it just makes me feel sad.

 

Oh how I wish that our lives could be different. I really do. But I know it’s all just a fantasy and I can’t go back in time and make different choices.

 

We mesh well together but I know it’s only a limited amount of time. What’s off the charts is our sex....which in my experience is hard to find.

 

Such is life.

 

What it comes down to is that I truly get mad at myself for not having the strength to make the changes in my life to maybe make me happier. I’m mad at myself that I don’t have it in me to stepparent 3 small children. I know I could love them dearly, without a doubt. But the day in and day out work that involves raising four kids (his 3 plus my 1) would exhaust me. I work full time at a very demanding job and when I come home I am exhausted just from having one child.

 

I don’t deal well with the constant crying, cooking, the whining, the laundry, the cleaning, the mommy mommy mommy.... it really makes me lose my mind and myself. And that makes me sad that I can’t be one of those women who loves parenting.

 

That’s why I keep thinking maybe once they get older it would be different. But together our kids are 6, 4, 4, and 2.

 

I do love this MM. But I know that if we ended up together I would be the one fronting a lot of the expenses because rightfully so... his money would be going to his ex for child support. I on the other hand wouldn’t get any child support because my husband and I make pretty much the same amount.

 

The MM makes decent money but his wife is reliant on him since they have 3 small children.

 

I just wish I could be a more go with the flow sort of gal and not overthink every detail. There seems to be so many blended families and it makes me sad that I think it would be so stressful.

Edited June 15, 2019 by RoseGold18

[Beendaredonedat]

Our intimacy sucked before my affair... that’s why I started an affair. Before this we would have sex maybe once every 3-6 months.

 

My husband is either asexual or has erectile dysfunction. He isn’t affectionate or anything.

 

I wonder why you don't tell your husband of your affair if he has given you permission to have one? Perhaps its fear that he will end your marriage and that he really doesn't believe that you would actually go through with having one? Anyway, not too many spouses would be oblivious to an affair that has been going on for over a year. *shrugs*

 

Of course your husband isn't affectionate, you have given up on one another so you have made it so you have your cake and eat it too. It's clear why you are afraid to leave your husband. You are subconsciously quite fine with the arrangement as is.

 

Affairs often end when one or the other starts making demands on the affair partner or starts making the fun less exciting by getting real which can lead to less lust, infatuation and oxytocin rush... which always wanes when in an actual long term relationship where life in geneall gets in the way of all that schtuuping with abandon.

 

Sub consciously you know that committing to your married man would end your cake-fest and that inner knowledge is manifesting itself in you as fear.

[Beendaredonedat]

I told him i can’t change the past (us from 15 years ago) and he said he knew but that we could change the future.

Fantasy pillow talk 101.

 

Relax, chances of him leaving his wife for you are slim to none so just enjoy the sex, learn to compartmentalize sex from love and don't make waves if you want to continue to have sex that is great.

 

Lust and infatuation, carnal knowledge of a person isn't love and you couldn't begin to know if what you are feeling for him is actual love if all you have with him is a bit of chat and an orgasm that isn't stymied with the thoughts of real life getting in the way of the lust.

[RoseGold18]

Fantasy pillow talk 101.

 

Relax, chances of him leaving his wife for you are slim to none so just enjoy the sex, learn to compartmentalize sex from love and don't make waves if you want to continue to have sex that is great.

 

Lust and infatuation, carnal knowledge of a person isn't love and you couldn't begin to know if what you are feeling for him is actual love if all you have with him is a bit of chat and an orgasm that isn't stymied with the thoughts of real life getting in the way of the lust.

 

Thank you for your reply and insight. I agree with this. If we want to continue to just have fun and use each other as an escape we shouldn’t be talking about divorcing our spouses.

 

I told him I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

 

He was jealous, I guess you can say, because I told my husband I was going out to buy a Father’s Day gift, which was indeed true. I did go out to buy a gift for my husband for Father’s Day but then I met up with the MM briefly.

 

The MM started telling me that his wife never buys him any gifts even though he buys gifts for her. I asked him if #1 he gave her time to go shopping without their 3 kids and if #2 she had access to money. He got upset by my questioning and thought that I was taking her side. I told him I wasn’t taking her side but I just wanted to understand the whole story.

 

He said that he gave her time to go out and shop and that all she bought him last Christmas was a gift card to a fabric store so that he could make a gift for one of their children. He was disappointed that the gift wasn’t for him.

 

I get what he is saying and where he is coming from but it is after all a gift.

 

I did something stupid and bought him a Father’s Day gift. He is into cool socks so I bought him a pair of personalized socks with his 3 kids faces on them. I ordered it last night after he seemed so upset about never receiving any gifts.

 

I do consider him a friend not just a friend with benefits. I am planning on giving him the gift the next time I see him but I do know that if our meetings do not continue to be fun and stress free.... I will stop seeing him.

Edited June 16, 2019 by RoseGold18

[Beendaredonedat]

Buying him a gift like that, IMO is inappropriate and he will more likely than not have to pitch them in the garbage or he will end up having to make some elaborate lie up to tell his wife so that his affair isn't being thrown in her face due to him wearing gifts from his lover who evidently has access to photos of their children. Can you imagine the figurative slap in the face that would be to her? An open relationship shouldn't be disrespectful to the married/otherwise committed partner.

 

I'm sorry I'm being so straight forward but it is what it is.

[RoseGold18]

Buying him a gift like that, IMO is inappropriate and he will more likely than not have to pitch them in the garbage or he will end up having to make some elaborate lie up to tell his wife so that his affair isn't being thrown in her face due to him wearing gifts from his lover who evidently has access to photos of their children. Can you imagine the figurative slap in the face that would be to her? An open relationship shouldn't be disrespectful to the married/otherwise committed partner.

 

I'm sorry I'm being so straight forward but it is what it is.

 

Wow, thanks for your honesty.

 

I get what you’re saying but the pictures of his children came from Facebook. We’ve been Facebook friends for over 10 years.

[mark clemson]

Oh how I wish that our lives could be different. I really do. But I know it’s all just a fantasy and I can’t go back in time and make different choices.

 

What it comes down to is that I truly get mad at myself for not having the strength to make the changes in my life to maybe make me happier. I’m mad at myself that I don’t have it in me to stepparent 3 small children.

 

I just wish I could be a more go with the flow sort of gal and not overthink every detail. There seems to be so many blended families and it makes me sad that I think it would be so stressful.

 

 

Don't be mad about this. You are who you are and parenting isn't for everyone. You seem able to not let the emotional part of your brain override the logical part, which I think is helpful in this situation.

[RoseGold18]

Don't be mad about this. You are who you are and parenting isn't for everyone. You seem able to not let the emotional part of your brain override the logical part, which I think is helpful in this situation.

 

Thank you.

 

There is a reason why we only have one child and it’s not just because my husband and I don’t have sex. ?

 

I love my son but parenting stresses me out.

[Amethyst68]

Nothing you've posted supports the idea this MM is in an open marriage except in his own mind.

 

The BW is a stay at home mother of 3 small children with no access to her own money, her husband goes out whenever he wants leaving her alone to parent these children. Your MM says he gives her 'time to shop', how magnanimous of him but I'm guessing the poor woman probably has to fit any fun shopping in with grocery shopping and take the children with her too!

 

So in view of the above can you please tell me where the wife can be doing her share of the open relationship? The woman has her kids 24/7, no money apart from what she is given and seems to only be able to leave when her husband gives her time. Are you saying MM stays at home with the kids when it's her turn to see her AP?

 

BTW the present is completely inappropriate, it breaks all boundaries. I believe you know it too

[RoseGold18]

Nothing you've posted supports the idea this MM is in an open marriage except in his own mind.

 

The BW is a stay at home mother of 3 small children with no access to her own money, her husband goes out whenever he wants leaving her alone to parent these children. Your MM says he gives her 'time to shop', how magnanimous of him but I'm guessing the poor woman probably has to fit any fun shopping in with grocery shopping and take the children with her too!

 

So in view of the above can you please tell me where the wife can be doing her share of the open relationship? The woman has her kids 24/7, no money apart from what she is given and seems to only be able to leave when her husband gives her time. Are you saying MM stays at home with the kids when it's her turn to see her AP?

 

BTW the present is completely inappropriate, it breaks all boundaries. I believe you know it too

 

I asked if she had access to money since he was complaining of not receiving any gifts. He said she did. She had access to their full account 24/7.

 

She is in school and works 3 nights a week so the MM is with their children then. He seems to be a very helpful attentive father.

 

Maybe I shouldn’t have bought the gift but I didn’t see it as being inappropriate.

[DKT3]

I'm astonished by the things that MW/OW believe or convince themselves of about MM.

 

I'm sorry Rose, but you have all the evidence you need to know this guy isnt a attentive father, including his wife being upset because he is never home. How can he possibly be attentive if he isnt there?

[RoseGold18]

I'm astonished by the things that MW/OW believe or convince themselves of about MM.

 

I'm sorry Rose, but you have all the evidence you need to know this guy isnt a attentive father, including his wife being upset because he is never home. How can he possibly be attentive if he isnt there?

 

When did I say his wife is upset that he is never home?

 

His wife works 3 nights a week and is in school part time. He is with his children then. I only see him once every few weeks for a 3-4 hours.

[RoseGold18]

I agree with you all. I would not be surprised if he is lying about him being in an opened marriage.

 

In the beginning he told me that him and his wife don’t believe in soulmates and can see sex for what it is. He said that he married for because of their children and she wanted to get married. That he was newly divorced and never wanted to get married again but that their agreement was that he would get married to her if their marriage was open.

 

He’s been with 3 OW since being married including me.

 

I asked him if they had any rules and he said no. I asked him if his wife saw anyone else and he said she could if she wanted to but that she didn’t want to. He said that he would have to take her because he didn’t trust her meeting up with random guys for safety reasons.

 

I think it’s odd that he says he wouldn’t mind his wife sleeping with another man but yet got mad and upset with me when I talked about other guys. He said to me that he is only sleeping with me because I’m not sleeping with anyone else, so it doesn’t really add up.

 

Plus how is his wife supposed to go see other men while he is present. There is no one else to watch their children for them to both be able to meet up with other people.

 

The whole thing doesn’t make sense.

 

My guess is that he says he is an opened marriage to maybe prevent me from saying something to her because according to him she already knows about me. Also maybe he lies so that I don’t think he is this awful person, but he knows I’m cheating on my husband... so why would I care if he was doing the same.

 

I agree that he probably isn’t as an attentive father as my husband is but he definitively isn’t absent. He is with his kids during the 3 nights that she is a waitress and she is in school part time so he watches his kids pretty much 5 nights or days a week.

 

I do feel terrible for his wife. Here she is taking care of 3 kids and then she is in school part time and then working 3 nights a week. I’m sure she is exhausted.

 

But the same for him. He works probably 50 hours a week, is on call all the time, watches his kids solo 3 nights a week and 2 days during the daytime solo. They don’t have much family support. It sounds rough compared to my husband and i set up.

 

My husband and I both work full time with weekends off. We both finished college over a decade ago. We have limited family help as well but my son is in daycare during the week. Besides the times when I go out with friends or my husband goes out with friends we are always together with my son. We do family activities all weekend long with my sons friends and their parents, birthday parties, fun places every weekend.

[Turning point]

The things that stand out about this thread are that (1) the OP got into the affair because she felt empty in her marriage and (2) after a year long affair she feels attached to MM and again feeling empty. She describes longing for encounter with aches and throbs much the way an addict jones for a fix.

 

OP, all you really have to do here is make a choice. Your affair hasn't given you anything except TWICE as much angst as you started with. The thing about going outside the marriage is that... "no matter where you go, there YOU are!"

 

The problem was never your husband, and this new issue is not the MM. It is, and always has been your choices.

Edited June 16, 2019 by Turning point