Getting attached to the OM

[RoseGold18]

My affair has been going on for almost a year.

 

Short history. We’re both married but he told me he was in an open relationship. My husband doesn’t know that I’ve been having an affair but has given me permission to do so in the past. Our marriage lacks all intimacy and we don’t have sex. We haven’t had sex in over a year. My husband has no desire and we sleep in separate rooms.

 

I have a 4 year old son and the OM has 3 children. We are ex lovers from over 15 years ago. Initially I thought this set up was perfect because it would “keep things in check” emotionally. I have no desire to have more children or to raise/become a stepmom to children. I also have no desire to break up a family, including mine.

 

However, I’ve noticed I’ve become attached even though that wasn’t my intention. It’s not that I’m jealous of his wife. I sort of get stuck into thinking about all of the what if’s. What if we never broke up, what if neither of us had kids, etc.... and it just makes me feel sad and empty.

 

I miss him all the time. I miss the attention he physically gives me. The kisses, the hand holding, the I love yous, the overall affection and desire he gives to me when we’re being intimate. We have some much chemistry physically that it drives me crazy and I feel like I can never get enough.

 

We usually see each other once a week but sometimes we can’t and it’s every 2 weeks. It’s like a drug really. But I’ve noticed that even on the weeks that I do see him I miss him almost instantly.

 

What is going on here?!? It makes me so very sad and even more lonely than what I was before. Of course I keep myself in check and I don’t tell him how much I miss him because I don’t want to scare him away. And I know that realistically we could never really be together. I mean, sure... we could be but it would be difficult given the circumstances and I know that being a mother to 4 kids (his and mine) and living apart from my child 50% of the time isn’t something that I want. But still I feel so needy of him.

 

He still has sex with his wife so I’m guessing he doesn’t feel that intense towards me but I find myself crying when we go too long without seeing each other or crying when we’ve gone a whole day without sending a message to one another. Or when he posts a photo of him and his wife on Facebook.

 

This is so unexpected and I don’t know where to go from here. I really feel like such a mess right now.

Edited May 29, 2019 by RoseGold18

[BaileyB]

Not to be harsh, but what has happened here is exactly what was described to you before you started this affair... you are following a very predictable script.

 

And as such, there is no “happy ending” to this fantasy you have created. He is still having sex with his wife, he will not leave his family... sure, he loves kissing and having sex worth you but he would probably go on with his life quite happily if you were to walk away tomorrow...

 

And whatever happens with the MM doesn’t change the reality of your family life... you will still have to deal with that at some point. This little adventure with your MM is nothing more than a pleasant diversion... but it can’t continue forever. As you are discovering, this coping strategy is only going to work for so long...

Edited May 29, 2019 by BaileyB

[Orokotikki]

If you really think you are participating in some sort of ethical non-monogamy, it surely wouldn't hurt and would be courteous to verify the 'open' status of the marriage with the wife.

[stillafool]

Since your husband has previously given you his permission to have an affair I don't know why you don't come clean to him. It may spark something in him, a fire and passion to win his marriage back. You may end up having what you've always wanted from your marriage. It is said often that the affair sort of helps the MMs marriage. The OW usually relieves his stress making him a better husband when home. If he's having sex with her she isn't angry with him.

[RoseGold18]

If you really think you are participating in some sort of ethical non-monogamy, it surely wouldn't hurt and would be courteous to verify the 'open' status of the marriage with the wife.

 

No because I’m not done f**king her husband and it’s really none of my business. I honestly don’t care whether they have an open marriage or not. I’m the one cheating on my husband.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad. I feel bad all the time but I have needs. It’s too good to just pass up.

[RoseGold18]

Not to be harsh, but what has happened here is exactly what was described to you before you started this affair... you are following a very predictable script.

 

And as such, there is no “happy ending” to this fantasy you have created. He is still having sex with his wife, he will not leave his family... sure, he loves kissing and having sex worth you but he would probably go on with his life quite happily if you were to walk away tomorrow...

 

And whatever happens with the MM doesn’t change the reality of your family life... you will still have to deal with that at some point. This little adventure with your MM is nothing more than a pleasant diversion... but it can’t continue forever. As you are discovering, this coping strategy is only going to work for so long...

 

Oh I know I have no one to blame but myself. Their marriage isn’t perfect but it’s certainly better than mine in a lot of ways. I know this is going to end eventually. He talks about being together but I know it’s all just a fantasy.

[DKT3]

Hmm interesting contradiction.

[RoseGold18]

Since your husband has previously given you his permission to have an affair I don't know why you don't come clean to him. It may spark something in him, a fire and passion to win his marriage back. You may end up having what you've always wanted from your marriage. It is said often that the affair sort of helps the MMs marriage. The OW usually relieves his stress making him a better husband when home. If he's having sex with her she isn't angry with him.

 

Not sure if that would work. My husband is sort of asexual or maybe gay. I don’t know. Our sex life has always been lacking. I just looked passed it because he was a good guy and I thought I could live with the lack of affection because he treats me well. But I miss the affection so much and I do regret getting married to someone I am so incompatible with.

 

I hesitate to tell him about my affair, even though he has given me permission in the past, because he just doesn’t view me as a sexual being. And I don’t want him to treat me differently. We do live like roommates but we’re civil and do a lot of family activities. I just don’t want that to change.

 

I’m not in love with my husband and I don’t think he is in love with me anymore. He never tries to be intimate with me. I used to have to beg. The OM makes me feel so sexy and adventurous because we do everything.

 

I know their relationship isn’t perfect but I know he won’t leave his kids...he has said a few times that he would but I really don’t believe it. His wife is reliant on him financially and he would be pretty much be stuck paying all her living expenses because she is a stay at home mom for the most part.

 

I know it’s my fault and I shouldn’t expect anything. I didn’t think I would get hurt because I do understand. We both come from divorces households and have both had traumatic experiences from that so I get it. But it just makes me sad to know we could never be anything more.

 

He calls me his girlfriend and tells me he loves me. Sure, he could just be saying all of that just for the sex, but I sometimes wonder if his feelings for me are real.

[heartwhole2]

What's happened is that when you are intimate, your body produces oxytocin. Your reward and pleasure centers light up when that happens, and now you're bonded to him.

 

It's very hard to have a NSA arrangement and not develop any sort of attachment IMO.

[somanymistakes]

Basically you've put yourself in a position where it's easy to "catch feels".

 

You have a longstanding connection with this guy, he's not a stranger that you're just using to get your rocks off.

 

You're lonely in your marriage.

 

You're getting the attention and affection you crave, in small doses, from the OM. That sparks feelings. And then, that attachment is insecure, because you can't be together all the time. That makes the feelings even more powerful and addictive.

 

While you are not a swinger, swingers often have rules about not 'playing' with the same people too often because someone's likely to develop feelings that way. Instead they go for a wide variety of sexual encounters to help ensure that their partners are basically strangers and sex toys to them, not worth thinking about outside the bedroom.

[pepperbird]

Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad. I feel bad all the time but I have needs. It’s too good to just pass up.

 

 

I|n the grand scheme of things, your bad feelings mean nothing at all. Zero. In fact, they are absolutely worthless. It's like a criminal who goes to jail and suddenly has his "come to jesus" moment. I'm not saying your feelings aren't important, just that whether or not you feel "bad" is irrelevant, as it isn't changing your behavior.

 

Why do you feel it's okay to ask your husband and his wife and your respective families to pay the price because you want to get laid? That's exactly what you are doing. In the end, they are the ones who will be hurt the most.

Edited May 29, 2019 by pepperbird

[RoseGold18]

What's happened is that when you are intimate, your body produces oxytocin. Your reward and pleasure centers light up when that happens, and now you're bonded to him.

 

It's very hard to have a NSA arrangement and not develop any sort of attachment IMO.

 

I agree, but you think this goes for him as well?!?

 

I tell him all the time that he only tells me he loves me so I will keep sleeping with him and he tells me that I’m a stupid girl (in a joking way) and that he isn’t just saying it.

 

I’ve told him I love him back (only twice) after he told me so many times and he was so excited when I finally said it back to him. I think he is probably lonely too, but obviously not as lonely as me.

 

I swear this isn’t who I am. I do hate myself for it but you have no idea how much my husband just has neglected me for so long. I started feeling old and frumpy even though I am not.

 

I am 36 but small and petite. Not overweight at all. I look young for my age and have a great career. This is the only area in my life that is severely lacking and boy does it make me feel like a failure.

 

In my opinion I am way out of my husbands league and the OM is oh so sexy. He has always been. His wife is also not at the same level as him attractive wise.

[RoseGold18]

Basically you've put yourself in a position where it's easy to "catch feels".

 

You have a longstanding connection with this guy, he's not a stranger that you're just using to get your rocks off.

 

You're lonely in your marriage.

 

You're getting the attention and affection you crave, in small doses, from the OM. That sparks feelings. And then, that attachment is insecure, because you can't be together all the time. That makes the feelings even more powerful and addictive.

 

While you are not a swinger, swingers often have rules about not 'playing' with the same people too often because someone's likely to develop feelings that way. Instead they go for a wide variety of sexual encounters to help ensure that their partners are basically strangers and sex toys to them, not worth thinking about outside the bedroom.

 

Oh am I lonely. I cry almost every night. This is not what I wanted out of life and I feel stuck.

[RoseGold18]

I|n the grand scheme of things, your bad feelings mean nothing at all. Zero. In fact, they are absolutely worthless. It's like a criminal who goes to jail and suddenly has his "come to jesus" moment. I'm not saying your feelings aren't important, just that whether or not you feel "bad" is irrelevant, as it isn't changing your behavior.

 

Why do you feel it's okay to ask your husband and his wife and your respective families to pay the price because you want to get laid? That's exactly what you are doing. In the end, they are the ones who will be hurt the most.

 

Oh believe me I know it doesn’t make sense. But it’s like I can’t help myself. I crave it so badly. I’ve deprived myself for so long... 9 years. 9 years of horrible sex or no sex at all. I miss that connection. My husband has never made me climax. He doesn’t care to learn. He is a dud in bed. I loved him for a long time. I really did. But I just can’t do it anymore.

 

I know it really doesn’t make sense but I feel like it’s a need of mine. I physically hurt. I can’t stand it. My body just throbs and aches. I can’t explain it and I am ashamed. I do wonder what the OM must think of me because it’s obvious when we’re together that I am desperate.

[Orokotikki]

Well, at least you feel bad. That makes what you're doing somehow less bad I suppose. Reap what you sow lady.

 

Though, if that 'feeling bad' indicates you want improve yourself, or that you have a scrap of love left for your husband, even if only as your child's father, you may consider finding the mercy within yourself to give him a divorce.

[somanymistakes]

I agree, but you think this goes for him as well?!?

 

But he's not just sleeping with you, he's sleeping with his wife too. That helps prevent him from getting too attached. It's like I was saying witht he swingers thing, they don't go to the same partner twice in a row.

[mark clemson]

I miss him all the time. I miss the attention he physically gives me. ... We have some much chemistry physically that it drives me crazy and I feel like I can never get enough.

 

We usually see each other once a week but sometimes we can’t and it’s every 2 weeks. It’s like a drug really. But I’ve noticed that even on the weeks that I do see him I miss him almost instantly.

 

This is so unexpected and I don’t know where to go from here. I really feel like such a mess right now.

 

 

So, it sounds like you have limerence. Suggest you research this on Wikipedia.

 

If it is limerence, then there is no "cure" - you will have to wait it out. My understanding is, (and I'm by no means an expert on this) it will probably last 1-3 years if you maintain the affair.

 

Ending the affair (if you do) may or may not shorten the duration. If it became impossible to be with him (e.g. he told you it was over and then left the country without giving you contact info) that would, I believe, shorten it substantially.

 

Exercise, distractions such as engrossing work or TV shows, spending time in nature, and spending time socializing with friends should all help, but my understanding is nothing will truly turn it off except as stated above or your brain gradually adjusting to it.

[BaileyB]

No because I’m not done f**king her husband.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad. I feel bad all the time but I have needs. It’s too good to just pass up.

 

Well then, as long as you are happy... that’s all that matters.

 

Except, of course, you aren’t happy.

[RoseGold18]

Well, at least you feel bad. That makes what you're doing somehow less bad I suppose. Reap what you sow lady.

 

Though, if that 'feeling bad' indicates you want improve yourself, or that you have a scrap of love left for your husband, even if only as your child's father, you may consider finding the mercy within yourself to give him a divorce.

 

Because I’m scared. I’m terrified. I have literally no one. My disabled mom relies on my financially. I have no one to go to to help me with my son. I find parenting so challenging and I know I could financially make it on my own it wouldn’t be the cushy lifestyle we have now with dual incomes that are both equally high.

 

I grew up extremely poor. I mean really poor. I’ve dug myself out of lower class and we’re probably considered upper middle class and I just can’t leave that security.

 

Even my husband, who I know is equally as miserable as me) doesn’t want to get a divorce because where he is from divorce is illegal and forbidden. And he rather stay together for our son. Believe me I know this might not be the best for our son but I don’t have a support group. I don’t have parents that could help me with anything.

 

If I had a place to go that would help me figure things out for a while I would. I’m sure I could figure it out over time. I do have substantial savings. But I am so scared of being a single mom. That’s not the sort of family life I wanted to give to my son.

[mark clemson]

Oh am I lonely. I cry almost every night. This is not what I wanted out of life and I feel stuck.

 

 

This is another sign of limerence, btw, esp. if you starting thinking about MM and then having longing and crying.

 

As much as I hate suggesting things like this, Oroko has a really good point that you might seriously think about divorcing if your marriage is as bad as you describe.

 

As things stand you are (in part) using the MM to make a difficult situation more bearable. But where does it get you in 5 or 10 years? Still stuck in a very bad marriage (unless it actually improves). Aren't you just postponing addressing the issues?

 

Something for you to think about...

[BaileyB]

Oh believe me I know it doesn’t make sense. But it’s like I can’t help myself. I crave it so badly. I’ve deprived myself for so long...

 

There is another option you know... divorce your husband and find what you want in a man who is actually available and able to give you what you want - a man who provides not only affirmation and great sex, but someone who will be a partner for you too.

 

This MM already has a partner. You can cry yourself to sleep every night wishing the situation was different, but it’s not. Your life will not change until/unless you are able to face the reality of the situation and make some hard decisions... and until you do that, your mental health will only continue to suffer...

[mark clemson]

Crossed posts with you (and Bailey) above. Clearly you're at least thinking about it...

[RoseGold18]

So maybe I should just call the whole thing off?! I’ve thought about it but I’m not sure I could follow through.

 

I’ve called it off with him 15 years ago. He told me how much I broke his heart (I had no idea). He would accept it and move on. He didn’t let me know back then.

 

What other choice do I really have. I can keep on seeing him and go through this cycle of being happy and then being sad. Or I could call it off and just be sad all the time.

[BaileyB]

I’ve called it off with him 15 years ago. He told me how much I broke his heart (I had no idea). He would accept it and move on. He didn’t let me know back then.

 

He will get over it. His wife will help him...

 

As to what he says, as Dr Phil says - how do you know when a married man who is trying to get you into his bed is lying to you... when his lips are moving. As much as you would like to believe that he was heartbroken, I would take anything he says with a grain of salt.

[RoseGold18]

Because if I leave my husband I think I’ll spiral into a deep depression. I could be single and be fine but we have a son.

 

I don’t know anymore. I guess we could try marriage counseling but I know it’s not going to magically make us sexually compatible. My husband rather stay up for 5 hours straight playing call of duty or with his magic cards.

 

He has no need for sex or intimacy. But he is a great father and we provide a nice life for our son who is in pricy private preschool.

 

Either way I lose. I lose if I stay and I lose if I go.