Husband is cheap on me but spoils himself

[foxy418]

Ive been married for 7 years, and the first 4 were really hard. I was sure we will divorce.. but 2 kids later, things have improved and we have a good happy marriage.

My second daughter is 6 months old and I am a stay at home mom for now. I do everything around the house and with the children since my husband works long hours. He makes good money and often buys things for himself.. a few months ago he spent 3k on golf things. I dont ask for much because i save more.. but after seeing him spend so much i asked him to buy me a bag. He said of course what would you like. I gave him brands that cost about 1k. I wanted a nice bag. He went on a trip last week and came back with a bag for me. He spent $150 on a bag. He lies and says it was so expensive but its not the brand i wanted and i know the price. The bag is nice but i thougbt since i NEVER buy anything... he really would spend more on me.

I thanked him.. but now the more i think about it.. i wonder.. i doubt myself and my marriage... i think that maybe im not the kind of woman thst a man buys something really expensive...

Or maybe again this marriage isnt good and the man i married doesnt love me as much. If it was the other wsy around id get him the very best...

This is obviouly not about a bag in the end.... but makes me again recall the first 4 years of our marriage (his selfish ways) and think of a backup plan for myself and my kids.

Am i ovverreacting?

[preraph]

Do you not have access to the bank account or credit cards to go buy yourself stuff? I mean, yes, I think unless you're very well off, a couple should run things past each other first on anything over a certain amount you both agree on, but I don't like that you're stuck depending on him to get something.

 

I will say, though, that to me, nothing is sillier than an expensive bag and designer stuff. I just think there's better things to spend money on, but then I spend a lot eating out, so each to his own.

[Beendaredonedat]

Am i ovverreacting?

... Yes, yes you are!

 

Instead of resenting him for not spending enough money on frivolous things for you why don't you ask for a weekly or monthly wage for the work you do as a stay at home mother? Make your own money for looking after the home and children which is a job/career in itself. If he's agreeable to that then you can waste(?) your money on expensive bags or you could be saving so you have money should you ever leave him (considering you have been having marital troubles for at least 4 years out of the 7 you have been married and you evidently unhappy because he's not meeting your expectations.

Edited May 30, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[Cersei]

$1000 for a bag? Like a handbag/purse? I would never spend $150 on a purse let alone a grand!!!

 

There are people who have trouble paying their hydro bill, their water bill, auto insurance, etc. and a $150 purse is not good enough?

 

Consider yourself lucky you have this type of stress in your life.

[major_merrick]

There's been a joke statement going around..... "First World Problems." You're right to castigate your husband for spending $3k on golf stuff. But you're in the same camp for wanting a $1k handbag. Each to their own, but I can't imagine spending that much money on a purse.

 

Obviously, you worked before you had kids. Didn't you save anything? I sold a house before I married my husband, and I still work. Every dime from that house (it was totally paid) is still in my savings. My husband buys me stuff, but I can just as easily buy my own things when I want to. If your household has the kind of money to buy stuff like you want, isn't there something in the bank that's yours?

[nittygritty]

What kind of a bag did you ask your husband to pick out and buy for you? Was it a golf bag? Or a purse?

[Mr. Lucky]

He makes good money and often buys things for himself.. a few months ago he spent 3k on golf things. I dont ask for much because i save more.. but after seeing him spend so much i asked him to buy me a bag. He said of course what would you like. I gave him brands that cost about 1k.

 

$4,000 invested now in a college fund for your kids would be worth $27,000 twenty years from today.

 

I'm just sayin' ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

I mean I could go out and buy myself a $1000 designer handbag tomorrow if I wanted to but I wouldn't do it because that just seems like such a waste of money to me and I also find those overpriced designer bags ugly and gaudy.

 

However that's just my opinion and you were looking for opinions on if someone should spend $1000 on a bag or not. You are more concerned about why your husband spends $3000 oh himself so easily but then is only willing to spend $150 on you. I think that is a valid concern. Your husband might be cheap or on the other hand he may view the handbag in the same light that posters here are viewing it. He might see spending that amount on a purse as frivolous and unnecessary, whereas he probably saw his golf equipment as a real investment, especially if he is serious about the sport.

 

We really can't say why your husband chose not to buy you the handbag of your choice. You would have to talk to him to find out his reasons.

[Blanco]

Money is not the real issue here. You, by your own accounts in a previous thread, are in a marriage that is "really bad" 80 percent of the time.

 

That handbag would be nice, but it's only a temporary balm to soothe what the real issue is: Your marriage has never been that good and you feel stuck.

[amaysngrace]

My exH bought me a knock off Louis Vuitton bag one Christmas and I was so mad about it. At least you got an authentic bag.

[d0nnivain]

It's not about the money.

 

You do have 1st world problems in terms of having the cash to buy luxury items.

 

The real issue is that you don't feel valued by your husband. You two need to talk & you need to explain to him what him expressing love & appreciation looks like to you.

 

 

As for those of you picking on her about expensive handbags, when I used to buy cheap purses ( < $50), I'd go through 3-4 per year every year because they just didn't hold up. When I got my 1st expensive bag, (> $200), it wore like iron. I still have it 25+ years later. Good bags that are well made & don't go out of style last forever. Plus at the higher end, like this $1000 bag here, can be resold if they are in good condition.

[heartwhole2]

I highly recommend getting yourself into individual counseling. You can figure out what you want and need and work on your boundaries and coping skills.

 

My marriage had similar issues in the early days. We used my grandmother's diamond for my engagement ring and I got a plain gold band for my wedding band. My husband got a thick platinum band that cost 8x as much as my band. For our one year anniversary I asked for a small diamond band, and my husband told me he would "be embarrassed" to give me something like that unless it was a big anniversary.

 

Why were his feelings of embarrassment more important than getting me something nice that would make me happy? Why did he feel fine buying himself expensive bike stuff but act like I was a spendthrift when I was spending the same or less than him, just on different things?

 

Basically we were locked in a vicious cycle. He wasn't viewing me with empathy and generosity. He wasn't asking himself how he could make my life better. And frankly, I wasn't either. He had disappointed me too many times for me to keep being positive and encouraging to him.

 

Breaking out of the cycle isn't easy. Professional help is best. I am a big believer in "virtuous cycles" . . . in treating the other person how you want to be treated, or more ideally, how you know they want to be treated. You do this even when the other person doesn't deserve it, even when they've done a million things that show they don't care. This is really the only way to open up space for selfless love to grow between you.

 

All of my husband's selfishness and immaturity culminated in an affair. That's the bad news. The good news is that this pushed us to a crisis point where I was certainly not going to accept his vicious cycling any longer. He's been in counseling for the last few years and has worked hard to be selfless, generous, kind, encouraging, etc. Today he would never cast judgment on something I want or need . . . he gives me the benefit of the doubt that I am a grown woman who is not frivolous, and even if I am sometimes, so what? He takes joy in my joy. Likewise I try to do the same.

Edited May 30, 2019 by heartwhole2

[Beendaredonedat]

 

 

As for those of you picking on her about expensive handbags, when I used to buy cheap purses ( < $50), I'd go through 3-4 per year every year because they just didn't hold up. When I got my 1st expensive bag, (> $200), it wore like iron. I still have it 25+ years later. Good bags that are well made & don't go out of style last forever. Plus at the higher end, like this $1000 bag here, can be resold if they are in good condition.

Well if a $200 purse lasted 25 years then a $150 purse should last just a few years less. No? Why the need for one that costs $1,000?

 

Anyway, you are right about her not feeling valued hence why she should be getting a job or getting paid for the job she's doing so she'll have money to float her until her divorce comes through (which it very well may since she's not been valued for most of her marriage) and she can split the assets.

[d0nnivain]

Well if a $200 purse lasted 25 years then a $150 purse should last just a few years less. No? Why the need for one that costs $1,000?

 

Because the purse I paid $200 for 25+ years ago now retails for over $600. Inflation.

[BaileyB]

Or maybe again this marriage isnt good and the man i married doesnt love me as much.

 

Are you over reacting, yes. The amount he spends on a bag for you is not a reflection of the marriage - unless you value material possessions and use this as your yardstick for love.

 

Never in my life would I spend $1000 on a bag. Actually, I’ve never spent $150 on a bag. Frankly, it sounds like both of you have your priorities out of line... and the fact that he overspent on his golf stuff should not give you permission to overspend on something extravagant for yourself. But, to each their own...

 

If you want the finer things, I would suggest that you head back to work when your children are older. When you have your own money, you can spend it however you like...

[heartwhole2]

Perhaps it would help people view the situation objectively if we removed a zero from the equation. The husband spent $300 on golf clubs. The wife wanted a purse that costs $100, but he returned with a purse that costs $15 and thought she would be happy with that.

 

Some of the responses here are doing exactly what the OP's husband is doing . . . imposing their own definitions of what someone should want or should spend on another person. The only question really is if they can afford it and if they are meeting their other financial goals. The key to a long happy marriage is not to expect your spouse to conform to what you think they should be and do and want. The key is to embrace who they are and cheer them on, as long as they are not doing anything unhealthy. And I know far too many people with $1k purses to claim that is an unhealthy desire.

 

So if what has happened here is that OP's husband has spent money they didn't really have to spend, then he could have said, "Honey, I should have consulted with you before buying those golf clubs. I wasn't expecting you to want to spend money too, which isn't fair. I'll return the clubs and we'll work on a budget that includes spending money for both of us."

 

There are plenty of things I would never spend money . . . plastic surgery, manicures, hair coloring, luxury cars, country club membership, private schools. Does this mean I should poo poo anyone who values these things? There are other areas where I do spend money, and since we can afford it, it's no one's business how I came to my priorities.

 

If you want the finer things, I would suggest that you head back to work when your children are older. When you have your own money, you can spend it however you like...

 

I don't work, but this doesn't make our money any less my money. Assuming the spending is reasonable relative to income and savings, there should be no restrictions on the spouse who earns less or nothing at all. Have there ever been two spouses who earned exactly the same amount, who spent exactly the same amount of time of housework and child-rearing? Should there be a master tally of who did what and a corresponding dollar amount awarded? I don't think so. That's no way to live.

 

When we were first married, I bought our condo. I paid off my husband's debts. I earned more, and we tried having separate accounts and dividing up the bills, but somehow he always had spending money and I didn't because the bills I was covering were higher. So we made everything joint. And now that he makes a lot more money than the two of us combined made back then, and now that I have health problems that make returning to work problematic and incur a lot of expenses, I'm glad that when I had "the upper hand" I realized that if we were going to make this work, we had to be in it together.

 

He's doing his best. I'm doing my best. We appreciate each other. We thank each other for what the other does for the family. If he wants something, we try to make it work. If I want something, we try to make it work. It's not a contest; it's a family.

Edited May 31, 2019 by heartwhole2

[Orokotikki]

Are you sure he didn't get duped?

If he knows nothing about purses, maybe he paid more than the $150 you know the purse to be worth?

I would never pay an inflated price for PC hardware, but only because I know about it. I am sure in the past I have paid for well over what jewelry was really worth because I didn't know any better.

Or maybe he was convinced this purse was worth way more than $1k and that he was getting a wonderful deal by paying less?

 

From your original post you didn't verify what he paid for it, just what you know you might have paid for it.

[littleblackheart]

The bag is nice but i thougbt since i NEVER buy anything... he really would spend more on me.

I thanked him.. but now the more i think about it.. i wonder.. i doubt myself

 

Maybe you've been a bit too passive on this occasion. He asked you what you wanted, agreed to get the brand you asked for then came back with something of his choice on his terms. Don't just thank him, talk to him about it.

 

If you are feeling like you are in too much of a vulnerable position as SAHM atm, start organising yourself and make plans for when your little one is old enough for you to become more independent. You'll feel more in control when you know you can look after yourself and your kids should it come to it.

 

There is no way you can spend 4 years of your marriage thinking of divorcing him because of his selfish ways totally unscathed.

[Artdeco]

All marriage issues aside, or regardless of whether or not there are any marriage problems/communication issues, I would be livid if my H spent 3K on golfing equipment, and other stuff, while I get to spend little to nothing on myself, and then he gets me a cheap copy of what I asked for, after I ask for ONE thing. I find that disrespectful.

[eleanorrigby]

My brother ended up divorced because of his selfishness.

 

My ex-sister in law told me how getting him to go out, do things and have fun was like pulling teeth. Everything was always too expensive. He had them on a monthly budget that he would never deviate from under any circumstances. (he would budget say $100 for entertainment for the month if they spent that $100 on the first day, entertainment was done for the rest of the month, done. Not even a trip to Redbox lmao)

 

He counted every penny on his side and kept track of every penny on her side, he went cheap on outings and tried to get her to spend as much on events and fun as possible.

 

She got fed up and divorced him but they remained friends afterward.

Not long after their divorce, he came to her home to show her his new BMW that he'd paid cash for. Clearly, money was no issue when it came to toys for himself.

 

She punched him in the face.

 

They even tried twice after their divorce to reunite but his selfishness with her and willingness to spoil himself was the thing they could never get over.

 

 

So... I can relate. This, if it continues, will wear on you and resentment will build. I hope you two can figure it out.

[Els]

I don't understand the need for a $1000 bag either personally, but that's not the point and I'm not sure why people are focusing on that.

 

 

The main thing sticking out at me here is that he can spend money willy nilly, but you do not have equal access to the joint funds (I hope you DO have joint finances given that you have given up your career to be the sole childcarer?). Is this correct?

 

 

If it is incorrect (and you could have actually bought yourself the bag but insisted that he do it), why did you choose to do that?

[JuneL]

Just tell your husband to give you the receipt and return it. Then take him with you and pick the one you like.

[salparadise]

 

i thougbt [...] he really would spend more on me. I thanked him.. but now the more i think about it.. i wonder.. i doubt myself and my marriage...

 

i think that maybe im not the kind of woman thst a man buys something really expensive...

 

Or maybe again this marriage isnt good and the man i married doesnt love me as much. If it was the other wsy around id get him the very best...

 

This is obviouly not about a bag in the end....

 

You're right –– it's not at all about the bag. It's about you using dollars as a yardstick for how much you are valued, by him and yourself. He's not tuned to the same channel. You're speaking different languages.

 

He's a more practical person. $150 is plenty to pay for a quality bag, check... what do you get for another $850? Nothing real, that's for sure. What YOU get is an endorphin pop based the belief that the add'l $850 means something important. That belief is not real –– it exists only in your head. It is also not indicative of the quality of your marriage. I think you need to be more rational. Unless you have a money tree growing in the back yard $850 is a lot of moola.

 

As for the golf stuff... yea, he may have overspent but I doubt it was for imaginary value. And I doubt that it was in any way indicative of how he feels about you.

 

It's really irrational to think that everything is about you, or to attach such meaning to things that are completely unrelated.

 

You do need your own money. You should either get a job so that you can generate your own, or have some discretionary money of your own if you both agree on you staying home with the kids. You should be able to buy that $1k bag with YOUR money... in which case you'll probably decide $150 is plenty for a bag.

 

People's money attitudes are [nearly] always emotionally based, and terribly inefficient.

 

When I was married my wife attached meaning to spending. I mean, she was all about spending. It made Christmas the most stressful event imaginable. She wanted to spend big (my money) on gifts for others, and expected me to spend big. It made no sense at all. I just wanted to scream.

[bathtub-row]

I’m guessing that your husband has a history of not only being selfish (as you already mentioned) but also of disrespecting you. I can’t for the life of me understand why you decided to have kids with him. He obviously doesn’t value you or what you do. If either divorce him or go get a job. Then he’ll understand just how valuable moms at home really are.

 

As far as everyone seeing this as a first-world problem, so what? First-world should be a higher level of living. There’s nothing wrong with that. She gets to feel bad when her husband obviously values himself over her.

[JuneL]

“As for the golf stuff... yea, he may have overspent but I doubt it was for imaginary value. And I doubt that it was in any way indicative of how he feels about you.”

 

If they are not that financially well-off, then he shouldn’t be doing such a rich people’s sport!

 

Personally I wouldn’t buy a $1k purse, but d0nnivain has a point, I don’t believe a $150 purse is of the same quality as a 1k one.