Author Amanda9 Posted May 31, 2019 Author Share Posted May 31, 2019 You should be able to communicate but in this case you weren't able to, keep doing what you are doing, he is the one being a dick back to you. You can only do what you know to do. You are responsible for what you do and say and they are responsible for how they react to it. Thanks. I agree he was being a dick. (Not that unusual for him unfortunately.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oceanblue12 Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 The exH is just being controlling and belittling this high quality Mom. He's simply a jerk and guy who needs for someone to belittle him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amanda9 Posted May 31, 2019 Author Share Posted May 31, 2019 Is it weird for him, though? How long were you married (if you were) and how long have you been divorced? My ex would behave exactly the same way....but it would be totally expected. How did you split go? What kind of person is he, generally speaking? Unfortunately his attitude is typical. We were married 10 years and have been separated 2.5 years. His arrogance, ignorance, and bullying got increasing worse over the years. Thinking he was better than me, name calling, etc. It was a bad split but somehow we manage to maintain an okay relationship for the sake of our son. (Other than this peanut allergy thing). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amanda9 Posted May 31, 2019 Author Share Posted May 31, 2019 You can, under a specialist's care, start building a tolerance to allergies. I read somewhere last year that doctors recommend giving babies this tiny bit of peanut butter every so often so they do so. I don't see why a nonsymptomatic allergy, you couldn't just go ahead and do resistance building through an allergy doctor so the kid doesn't have to live like this the rest of his life. I will ask his allergy specialist his views on resistance training at our next follow up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amanda9 Posted May 31, 2019 Author Share Posted May 31, 2019 The exH is just being controlling and belittling this high quality Mom. He's simply a jerk and guy who needs for someone to belittle him. And yet he thinks I was the one to cross a line! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 And yet he thinks I was the one to cross a line! Gaslighting... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 Gaslighting... Exactly! OP, your expectations for this man's behavior are too high, sadly. If you resolve to adjust your behavior to constantly remaining 100% calm in every situation, regardless of how he behaves, you will benefit from it. Just keep your son's needs paramount. You're a GREAT mom. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 The last I heard, while this “theory” was considered to be promising, it hasn’t had the results that the researchers had hoped. And, any benefit comes at significant time, cost, and risk - meaning visiting the doctors office daily or weekly to be exposed to minuscule amounts of allergen for years... Yes frequent doctor visits or injections at home. And then you don't have to live with the allergy to rest of your life. Usually it's for about 3 years. I had terrible allergies when I was a child have used to ask my mom all the time if she could get me into immunotherapy, but it wouldn't have worked right for me because I was already exposed to my allergens. I'm much better now though. Link to post Share on other sites
oceanblue12 Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 What does Gaslighting mean? There's no excuse for this guy's behavior...ok, he doesn't like his exW but that's his son for goodness sake Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 Do you think she pulled the epi pen out of her backside and diagnosed her son herself? I think the father may know more than we give him credit for. His awareness and his agreement are not the same thing. She admits having self-diagnosed after wiping her kids face with the same dirty rag she wipes her counters with. It's not clear from her anecdotes that peanuts are as dangerous to her son as she fears, and no evidence that the father is acting inappropriately. Unlike an ongoing drug regimen, Epi pens are quite common as an cautionary intervention tool. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amanda9 Posted May 31, 2019 Author Share Posted May 31, 2019 [quote name= She admits having self-diagnosed after wiping her kids face with the same dirty rag she wipes her counters with. [/quote] To clarify, it was actually his doctor that made the diagnosis after performing an allergy test. I simply had my suspicions so I did what I feel is the responsible thing and took him to our family doctor, who then referred him. And it was a rinsed out kitchen cloth I used to quickly wipe his milk mustache on a busy morning. But his face did break out into welts, thus my suspicions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 The exH is just being controlling and belittling this high quality Mom. He's simply a jerk and guy who needs for someone to belittle him. We only know OPs' side and from what OP wrote, I have a feeling the ex thinks of her as controlling and as OP mentioned he had said, badgering. OP doesn't sound like she respects his ability to safely care for his son and it likely comes out in conversations. There are always 2 sides. With one of my exes, when we were together she would badger in my opinion. I would do laundry and it would be like, "Did you fold the towels right? Did you use hot or cold water? Did you get "Gain" fabric softener, I refuse to use anything else, other fabric softeners might cause a reaction. Did you put the clothes in the right drawer?..After a while it was like, Hey, I made it 35 years with clean clothes that are just fine without you, why are you badgering me like I never heard of a washing machine before? I bet from Op's Exes standpoint, he had a day with his kid, everything went great, no issues, then a few days later Op calls him up lecturing him about how to care for a kid with a peanut allergy, a kid that he is completely capable of taking care of and has not yet caused a reaction. In the Exs' opinion, I bet it felt like OP pumped her son for info, heard he had ice cream and ran to the phone to lecture her ex. There's a big difference between the following two ways of addressing the issue: 1. OP: Hey, little Johnny told me he loved rock road ice cream and said he had it at your place. I read that ice cream has a lot of cross contamination. Did you happen to read the label and find a brand of rocky road that's safe if I wanted to buy it for him? If not, be careful, ice cream has a lot of cross contamination. vs 2. OP: Johnny told me he had rocky road ice cream and YOU gave it to him. Ice cream has a lot of cross contamination. Peanut allergies are very serious and he could die. You MUST read each and every label. Did you read the label on the ice cream you gave him? YOU DON'T READ EVERY LABEL???!!! What labels do you read? Do you know what to look for on the label? What brand did you give him and where did you buy it from? Do you know how serious this is? ... and then the next time you drop him off with his dad ... OP: Now you're not going to give him ice cream, right? Make sure you read every label, you MUST read every label, all the time, no matter what! If you go anywhere, ask the waitstaff if they have peanuts in the kitchen... OP isn't wrong for being concerned and bringing it up, but I wonder how it was brought up. Based on OP's posts, I would bet $100 that OP does not really trust her Ex to be able to keep the kid safe and worries when the kid is with the dad, which leads to badgering and lecturing and discussing from a point of authority rather than co-parent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 It's possible, yes. However when I talked to my ex yesterday, he admitted he doesn't check food labels all the time. I will quote him: "I don't check every single label. Has our son died in the two years we have known about the allergy?" Also, when I explained to him that a food doesn't have to have peanut as an ingredient to pose a risk, his response was quote: "for f*ck sakes". So maybe he checked the ice cream and maybe it was peanut free. I highly doubt it but it's possible. The fact that he admitted he doesn't always check the labels, and doesn't seem to think food is a risk as long as it doesn't have peanuts in it, is still concerning. I’m with ChatroomHero on this one. The reason he said the above was likely that you had assumed he didn’t read the labels in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 He doesn’t always read the labels. I’d be willing to bet that any parent to a child with a food allergy would flip sht to know the other parent doesn’t always check the labels each and every time. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 He doesn’t always read the labels. I’d be willing to bet that any parent to a child with a food allergy would flip sht to know the other parent doesn’t always check the labels each and every time. We have to agree to disagree. Like ChatroomHero, I know people exactly like the woman he described. It’s super annoying to deal with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amanda9 Posted June 2, 2019 Author Share Posted June 2, 2019 This is the exact text I sent my ex to bring up the conversation before he phoned me: "Hey, (son) tells me he had rocky road ice cream with you. Not a big deal but most ice cream brands may contain peanuts and one of the only brands I've found that is peanut free is Chapman's and flavors are limited. You're making sure the ice cream you give (son) doesn't contain or may contain peanuts, right?" In my opinion I don't think I came at him harshly or badgering but maybe I'm wrong? And as a side note, my son randomly on his own told me about the ice cream while I was cooking supper. I never grill my son about what he does at his dad's or eats while he's there. When he gets dropped off back home after a weekend at his dad's I'll ask him if he had a good time and leave it at that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 2, 2019 Share Posted June 2, 2019 This is the exact text I sent my ex to bring up the conversation before he phoned me: "Hey, (son) tells me he had rocky road ice cream with you. Not a big deal but most ice cream brands may contain peanuts and one of the only brands I've found that is peanut free is Chapman's and flavors are limited. You're making sure the ice cream you give (son) doesn't contain or may contain peanuts, right?" In my opinion I don't think I came at him harshly or badgering but maybe I'm wrong? And as a side note, my son randomly on his own told me about the ice cream while I was cooking supper. I never grill my son about what he does at his dad's or eats while he's there. When he gets dropped off back home after a weekend at his dad's I'll ask him if he had a good time and leave it at that. Totally appropriate on your part. Although I might have left out the "not a big deal" part. Because it is. But I get you were trying to temper your tone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 2, 2019 Share Posted June 2, 2019 (edited) With one of my exes, when we were together she would badger in my opinion. I would do laundry and it would be like, "Did you fold the towels right? After a while it was like, Hey, I made it 35 years with clean clothes that are just fine without you, why are you badgering me like I never heard of a washing machine before? While I appreciate your point that it’s all in the tone of voice and how it is said... It goes without saying that the best way to ensure that his ex-wife isn’t nagging him is to follow medical advice and avoid the allergens that could potentially put his his son’s life at risk. Edited June 2, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 It goes without saying that the best way to ensure that his ex-wife isn’t nagging him is to follow medical advice and avoid the allergens that could potentially put his his son’s life at risk. No, posts like this are never so simple because we don't have enough information. We cannot discern from the telling which of the two parents is actually better informed about the son's medical condition. We simply know that the mother isn't satisfied and seeking to influence or control a third party who is absent this discussion. That's beyond the scope of this forum. Referral to appropriate professionals who are in the know about the child's actual circumstance is the only appropriate response. Any advice on this forum outside such a referral is reckless and dangerous. There are people on this forum who deal with unscrupulous ex's and we know that an online "pile-on" is often a fishing expedition for people looking to expand their tools of exploit, even upon issues rooted in some reality. That may not be the case in this thread but, I'm not willing to give that quarter when the solution to any real issue is so obvious. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 7, 2019 Share Posted July 7, 2019 That may not be the case in this thread but, I'm not willing to give that quarter when the solution to any real issue is so obvious. Interesting rant, but I'm confused as to your point. Since the child has an epi-pen, one assumes he's seen an "appropriate professional". Are you suggesting mediation between the parents? Legal intervention? Not sure what obvious solution you're referring to... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 7, 2019 Share Posted July 7, 2019 Interesting rant, but I'm confused as to your point. Since the child has an epi-pen, one assumes he's seen an "appropriate professional". Indeed. I would assume that this child and his parents have seen an appropriate professional and confirmed a peanut allergy, if the child has a epi-pen. Children who don’t have a confirmed or strongly suspected anaphylactic allergy generally don’t have epi-pens. Which means, potentially offering foods that may contain peanuts without reading the label is reckless and dangerous... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 Interesting rant, but I'm confused as to your point. Since the child has an epi-pen, one assumes he's seen an "appropriate professional". Yep. And she actually states that the child has been diagnosed by a medical professional. She says it at least twice, if I'm not mistaken. Now, I do think it's a good idea not to assume that every OP is a saint. But, in this particular case, I'm inclined to think the OP's heart is in the right place because she's not responding to people's expressions of doubt with arrogance or entitlement. She's actually expressing some self-doubt and sharing what she wrote so that an outsider can say whether she crossed the line. In the message she shares, she even sounds like she's walking on eggshells. Every time I've seen someone do that, it's been because they're used to dealing with someone who gets offended easily and has an explosive temper. I guess that's what they call appeasement. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 It's his child to, he is a parent and you crossed a boundary, no get some help or get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 It’s a legitimate concern, one that could cause additional worry every single time your child visits with his dad. We just want our kids to be safe while not with us, especially at that young age. I’d bully him back by getting your lawyer involved. I know they aren’t cheap but sometimes they’re necessary. I believe your child’s health and safety qualifies as one of those times. Isn't the child his child to? I hope she does get a lawyer involved over something so frivolous, then he can hit her up to pay his lawyer fees as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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