my feelings as an emotional abuse victim

[paisleypanther]

Sorry, this is gonna be a long post...

 

It's been more than six months since my emotionally abusive ex cut me off, and I still have very mixed feelings. I didn't really understand until February that he had been emotionally abusing and cheating on me. I remember describing him to my friends and them telling me that he seemed abusive. I can look back now and say with full confidence that he was, and probably still is.

 

I've always had trouble when it came to choosing partners who aren't either abusive or predatory. When I was 15 a 20 year old guy started preying on me, and I went along with it. When I was even younger, I was involved with an alcoholic and drug addict who threatened to rape me when I was home alone. I didn't have to take responsibility then, because I was so young and naive. But now that I'm older, I feel like it's my responsibility, and even my fault, for choosing such horrible men. Now I'm finding out that this ex of mine is not only a pathological liar, but also has multiple complaints against him for predatory behavior towards children.

 

Although I know my ex was abusive and unfaithful, part of me still (very reluctantly) feels that I deserve him. He lives just down the street from me. While I absolutely dread the possibility of seeing him again, another part of me thinks it's fate and I absolutely deserve to be with him. And this isn't just someone who cheated on me. This is someone who seduced me when I was very emotionally unstable and recovering from surgery, gaslit me for the entirety of the relationship, used triangulation between me and his ex, berated me when I was not in the mood, ridiculed me, stonewalled, ghosted me, accused me of cheating, and is most definitely now accusing me of abusing him to whichever girl he has his eyes set on now.

 

I'm home from college now, and I'm so scared of seeing him wherever I go. I constantly scan all the cars in proximity, ready to leave if I see his car. I look for his face in every crowd, terrified that I'll see him. I've been on constant alert since coming home, and it's f*cking exhausting. For the last few months, I've paid little mind to passing thoughts of him. I blocked all his social media accounts and his number, and I was far away from him. But now that I'm home again, I've started dreaming about him every night. Some dreams are about us getting back together. Others are about us having never broken up. But the worst ones are dreams where I'm trying to inflict pain on him. They always make me feel so guilty, as if everything he did to me was my fault and these nightmares are proof of it. Even sudden thoughts of him paying for what he's done to me and others make me very sad. Although he is an abuser, and I have very strong, negative opinions about abusers, he was still someone I was romantically intimate with. Any intrusive thoughts I have of hurting him just hurt me more.

 

On the bright side, my family finally believes me. My sister, who often tries to be neutral in these situations, has realized how much he hurt me. She's been really kind to me and has been supporting me, and I'm grateful for that. But my ex still follows her social media accounts, and he likes every single picture she posts of me. It's so scary. I'm afraid he's going to try and come back for me, but then another part of me knows he's an absolute narcissist who wouldn't waste his time again. But he also loves the hunt, and wouldn't literally hunting someone who is terrified of you and hates your guts be the greatest hunt of all?

 

I consider myself a successful person. Ever since he's been gone, I've been doing excellent in my classes, I've made many new friends, and I'm finally in a much better emotional and mental space. But now that I'm home, I'm terrified that he's going to come after me again, and I'm even more afraid that I wouldn't oppose. Rationally, I know he is an awful person and an absolute trash goblin. I don't want him back. I just want him to be stopped. But the angry, irrational, passionate side of me wants him back. Either because I deserve it, or because he deserves to be stopped.

[mark clemson]

A sad story - I wish you luck and continued progress as you move on to a better life.

[preraph]

Well, you're learning. And in my generation, it was common for daughters to be taught to defer to the will of men. That's what you were doing. Don't do that -- ever! Yes, it IS up to you to say no.

 

You will attract bad people if you refuse to filter them out of your life as soon as you see a sign that they are bad. What typically happens is they start off picking on you for something so trivial that you feel bad making a big deal of it and if you say anything, they gaslight you and act like YOU'RE touchy instead of that they're rude and abusive. It could be criticizing you in some small way and then saying "Just kidding," that kind of thing. Once they see you won't fight back or walk away, they just get worse and worse. And you'll end up with mostly bad people around because you're one of the ONLY one who would let them STAY around. Any decent friends (next time listen to your decent friends) will lose respect for you and not want to be exposed to that person.

 

So it becomes a cycle. It's very simple really. Write down some rules of things you shouldn't put up with. Maybe take some of them off of a domestic violence website. Write rules down and once someone crosses a boundary, run them off. If you don't already know by now, you cannot change people like that. And why even try when most people out there are not like that. Just get them all the way out of your life early as possible, because those type people, the longer you let them stay, the more they feel they own you and the more potentially dangerous they become.

 

Good luck.

[stillafool]

But he also loves the hunt, and wouldn't literally hunting someone who is terrified of you and hates your guts be the greatest hunt of all?

 

Not necessarily, there are a lot of women out there who unfortunately like to be under the power of a man. There's plenty of prey.

[preraph]

He probably just likes exerting power. Which is not good.

[snflwrgrl]

Sorry, this is gonna be a long post...

 

It's been more than six months since my emotionally abusive ex cut me off, and I still have very mixed feelings. I didn't really understand until February that he had been emotionally abusing and cheating on me. I remember describing him to my friends and them telling me that he seemed abusive. I can look back now and say with full confidence that he was, and probably still is.

 

I've always had trouble when it came to choosing partners who aren't either abusive or predatory. When I was 15 a 20 year old guy started preying on me, and I went along with it. When I was even younger, I was involved with an alcoholic and drug addict who threatened to rape me when I was home alone. I didn't have to take responsibility then, because I was so young and naive. But now that I'm older, I feel like it's my responsibility, and even my fault, for choosing such horrible men. Now I'm finding out that this ex of mine is not only a pathological liar, but also has multiple complaints against him for predatory behavior towards children.

 

Although I know my ex was abusive and unfaithful, part of me still (very reluctantly) feels that I deserve him. He lives just down the street from me. While I absolutely dread the possibility of seeing him again, another part of me thinks it's fate and I absolutely deserve to be with him. And this isn't just someone who cheated on me. This is someone who seduced me when I was very emotionally unstable and recovering from surgery, gaslit me for the entirety of the relationship, used triangulation between me and his ex, berated me when I was not in the mood, ridiculed me, stonewalled, ghosted me, accused me of cheating, and is most definitely now accusing me of abusing him to whichever girl he has his eyes set on now.

 

I'm home from college now, and I'm so scared of seeing him wherever I go. I constantly scan all the cars in proximity, ready to leave if I see his car. I look for his face in every crowd, terrified that I'll see him. I've been on constant alert since coming home, and it's f*cking exhausting. For the last few months, I've paid little mind to passing thoughts of him. I blocked all his social media accounts and his number, and I was far away from him. But now that I'm home again, I've started dreaming about him every night. Some dreams are about us getting back together. Others are about us having never broken up. But the worst ones are dreams where I'm trying to inflict pain on him. They always make me feel so guilty, as if everything he did to me was my fault and these nightmares are proof of it. Even sudden thoughts of him paying for what he's done to me and others make me very sad. Although he is an abuser, and I have very strong, negative opinions about abusers, he was still someone I was romantically intimate with. Any intrusive thoughts I have of hurting him just hurt me more.

 

On the bright side, my family finally believes me. My sister, who often tries to be neutral in these situations, has realized how much he hurt me. She's been really kind to me and has been supporting me, and I'm grateful for that. But my ex still follows her social media accounts, and he likes every single picture she posts of me. It's so scary. I'm afraid he's going to try and come back for me, but then another part of me knows he's an absolute narcissist who wouldn't waste his time again. But he also loves the hunt, and wouldn't literally hunting someone who is terrified of you and hates your guts be the greatest hunt of all?

 

I consider myself a successful person. Ever since he's been gone, I've been doing excellent in my classes, I've made many new friends, and I'm finally in a much better emotional and mental space. But now that I'm home, I'm terrified that he's going to come after me again, and I'm even more afraid that I wouldn't oppose. Rationally, I know he is an awful person and an absolute trash goblin. I don't want him back. I just want him to be stopped. But the angry, irrational, passionate side of me wants him back. Either because I deserve it, or because he deserves to be stopped.

I applaud you! for removing yourself from an abusive relationship. That is not an easy thing to do. I am also glad you have the support of your family. That’s wonderful! You are worthy!!! Have you considered calling the national domestic violence hotline? It’s completely confidential and they can answer any questions you may have about the unhealthy aspects of the relationship you were in. They may also know of resources available to you in your area. When you come home is there anywhere else you can stay besides down the street from him? You also have our support. Big hug! I’m glad you reached out!