15 years, it is over. Feeling crushed, but relieved.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Hi LS,

Well it has gone its course and now I think we are really over.

This is the fourth breakup for us. The last time was 2 years ago and I was devasted and beside myself with pain. I learned a lot with introspection and did a lot of work to change. We worked it out and thing were going fine so I thought, until he blindsided me again with the breakup.

 

It just gets tiring to be with someone who cannot communicate their feelings to you. Overnight it went from I love you with all my heart to I feel no connection to you and I am leaving you. The trust is gone. Dead.

 

We are two very different people. This difference has only grown as I became more educated and career oriented while he spends all his non-working time in play with his hobbies while I take care of the household and bear all responsibility.

 

Also he has fully embraced Facebook stardom with his sharing of his hobby while I do not have a fb account and don’t care to have one.

 

I have to wonder why I stuck it out so long in such a crappy relationship with such a selfish person?

I have heard / read the term man-child. I think that is my ex. What are the traits man-child men? We are in our mid 40’s.

 

I wish that it would have worked out better between us. In this regard I am devastaed but oddly I have lost the attachment to him and the relationship.

[Despr8]

Sorry you broke up. Wondering were things better when you weren't career oriented? Seems to be the norm now of ladies focusing on work then complaining when the relationship falls apart. 15 years is such a long time and people do change but I'm thinking 15 years!? Couldn't see it sooner?

 

 

I don't know the whole story from both of you but could it be you wanted him to change for your benefit and when he didn't you pretty much disconnected from him and call him a man child? To me now I realized in long term relationships you never stop dating your partner and be true and open for discussions. It takes two to tango so it couldn't be all his fault?

 

 

 

15 years is a very long time and if all the love is gone the friendship has to still be there? Maybe some time apart will be good for you both.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

There is some background on my post when we broke 2 years ago.

 

But short history is we got together when we were both divorcing. I had 2 boys from prior marrige. No kids for him but he is an only child. There was some friction between him and my boys but they are out of the house for a few years now.

 

I have always made more money and held stressful management type jobs so I tend to save my energy for work and use time off to re-energize. While he works production type jobs and saves his energy for life after work. I did not really think it would matter that much if we loved each other but I guess there was a disconnect.

 

We got along great in many respects. With him I did learn to love him unconditionally. I may not like all the things he does but he is an adult and can make his own decisions. I cannot judge.

 

I thought that we would be together forever. And was willing to change and do things to make him happy. I tried but I think he has a much different idea of a happy life than me. He has changed a lot since Facebook and I think he compares our mundane yet very comfortable life (he has everything materially that a person can want but always wants more), to the exciting lives on fb and so can never be satisfied. I believe he is bored with our life.

 

I would have stayed together but he is the one who wants to leave. I can’t make him love me and stay. He has to want it on his own.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

The communication was the problem. He would avoid talking to me even though I have always been open to talking. When we did have serious talks he would tell me he is happy and has nothing to say. We were supposed to be a team.

[Despr8]

Men tend to dig their own graves "at times" and a separation can be enlightening for some. Always hate seeing something long term fall apart but who knows maybe its for the best. I had to lose everything to see my mistakes. Also it wasn't just solely just my fault. Peoples action or lack of can dictate a reaction. There has to be flexibility but the only way is by communicating can we find out.

[The Outlaw]

Despite the heartbreak, breaking up again could be a blessing in disguise for you. Fifteen years is a long time, but it sounds as if everything had really become one sided for whatever reason. You spoke your piece, and he didn't. You tried more than once. He didn't. But ultimately, it's his loss. History aside, keep on doing what you're doing. Focus on you. Social media is way overrated, and his FB stardom isn't really going to get him anywhere.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Thank you Depsr8 and Outlaw for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.

It is Friday and I am home alone. My mind and emotions are ok but my body is shaky and I feel physically ill. These first few days are the worst. It is the saddest feeling in the world to lose the one you love. All the hard work you put into learning to love them for all they are -gone! At least I know I have grown into a better person from the experience. I really have so much going for me now. Life is treating me well. I just have to focus on being grateful for that.

 

I am very much an introvert and do not have a lot of friends nor a large social circle and I am grateful to be able to express my feelings here on LS.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Woke up today feeling crappy and wishing him back even though I know I should not. It would be an unhealthy relationship if he comes back. I cannot have that. I did my exercises and went for a run. I feel a little better but it is cloudy and depressing out

 

I am just overwhelmed with sadness right now. I guess it had to come sometime. I was doing ok keeping it at bay.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I have been up and down the last few days. One minute I am accepting the split and the next minute I am just overwhelmed with sadness and loss. I feel a big empty hole sometimes. It was mentioned I one of the threads that your identity became half of an entity of the relationship and now half of that entity is gone which totally explains the hole that I have and feel.

 

My Ex just texted me a long text about getting his stuff out. He really did not need to. I am doing everything in my power to resist the urge to text him back!!!

My face gets red and I have such anxiety when responding to him. Then I feel terrible for a day.

 

It is so hard to know that it is over but wishing that it was not. The hardest part is knowing that we both love each other. We are just in different places in life.

I read the text once and I am not reading it again. I could torture myself by reading it over and over again trying to read between the lines.

[preraph]

Bet you're glad you solidified your career since it didn't work out and now you're on your own. So important. He probably is a man-child. I'm afraid shortly we're going to see the better part of a whole generation still playing with toys at 40.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Preraph, yes he is in for a rude awakening. I afforded him the financial freedom to do whatever he wanted. Sure he works but his earnings did not go to bills. He paid a small share of living utility expenses. I paid everything else bc the house was mine before we met and I made more so it seemed fair.

Now we will see how much freedom he will have when his earnings will need to go to bills. Thanks for the reminder that I am so much better off without him.

 

I should be celebrating hence the relief in my original post. I should focus on that.

 

This dynamic I do take part of the blame in enabling him to be like that. I should have demanded more responsibility from him. I will know better for next time.

[mark clemson]

I have been up and down the last few days. One minute I am accepting the split and the next minute I am just overwhelmed with sadness and loss. I feel a big empty hole sometimes. It was mentioned I one of the threads that your identity became half of an entity of the relationship and now half of that entity is gone which totally explains the hole that I have and feel.

 

 

Yes, and part of becoming the "new you" post this R will be developing a new identity. A thumbnail sketch version of identity is to think of the "inner" you matching up to the social roles available around you. Being the "other half" in the R is one social role, and a major one, but there should be many others available.

 

Find stuff to do and people to do stuff with (unless you don't like people). Volunteering and hobby or sports clubs can do a lot, as can developing a circle of friends.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Thank you, yes I am working on doing stuff keeping busy making new and old friends etc. it just takes energy for me to get out there bc I am an introvert so also like my alone time. It is just that now I hate to be alone lol!

[Inspire]

What's sad but true is that it is entirely possible to love but at the same time feel a loss of connection. It sounds like he was ignoring the problems you two had in your relationship. He said he was fine, and if that were true, it seems as though he had forgotten that your feelings also mattered.

 

It's hard to put 15-years behind you, but you're just holding onto what you two once were and who you thought he was. Your heart and mind just need time to process that.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I am sure I will still have bad days but today I made it home without shedding tears or feeling sad during the drive back. It has been about a week since the bomb was dropped so I am happy with myself that I am taking this so much better than the last time.

 

Inspire, his reason for leaving was exactly that ...due to a loss of connection.

He had a schedule Change at work about 6 months ago and so does not get home til 3pm. I am up at 6 and out the door at 7:30. Weekend he goes off with his friends most of the time.

The problem is that he gave up instead of trying to get the connection back. I guess for some men they just can’t. Or in my case I don’t think he wanted to make the effort. But hey that is his loss.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I’ve been up and down all week. Yesterday I started to feel angry at him. Last night I just felt empty.

 

As Mark said above I am looking for a new part of me that I have not found before as I search for my identity beyond this relationship. Perhaps I have always had this void and this relationship was an easy way to fill this void. I used him and the relationship to feel “whole’. Perhaps this is why I stayed even when it became one sided.

 

On a personal level I have accomplished everything I have wanted to accomplish. Had kids and raised them well, got them through college, have nice house and a job I love. I had a long term relationship where I learned to love another for who they were.

Reminding myself of all these things makes me feel so much better.

 

I guess my new short term goal is being single and making the best of that situation. I am fairly attractive so I don’t have problems attracting men. I seem to have a defective picker where I chose the wrong man or I settle too soon.

Do you think I should continue to do more councelling to figure out why I do this?

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I have noticed that getting into the car and driving home is what flips my mood. I always get super sad on the ride home. I am fine most any other time. Today I missed him soooo much riding back. I felt like I was back to day one again. Thankfully it only lasted 5 mins or so.

 

I had to start thinking about how he treats me in the present to snap out of it. You really have to focus on the reality of today to keep your strength.

Don’t go back to the past and miss what you had. That was in the past. Focus on what you have now, which is someone who does not want to be with you and has checked out.

[jess060191]

I have noticed that getting into the car and driving home is what flips my mood. I always get super sad on the ride home. I am fine most any other time. Today I missed him soooo much riding back. I felt like I was back to day one again. Thankfully it only lasted 5 mins or so.

 

I had to start thinking about how he treats me in the present to snap out of it. You really have to focus on the reality of today to keep your strength.

Don’t go back to the past and miss what you had. That was in the past. Focus on what you have now, which is someone who does not want to be with you and has checked out.

 

Hello...

 

Hope you are doing okay. I was recently dumped on Friday too. And as reading your posts I can feel the emotions you are going through. Hang in there I have faith each day will get better.

[Rockdad]

By all means continue counseling, your relationship has not been an easy one or it would not be where it is currently. You have some trauma to reconcile and a difficult time period you will be passing through that a professional counselor would be quite beneficial to you.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I feel like I am going backwards. I was sleeping ok but last few nights can’t sleep again. I thought I was handling it so well.

 

He is moving out so every day more stuff is gone which is probably why the car ride home is so hard.

 

When I am up and keeping busy I KNOW in my head that it is a blessing that the relationship is ending because I was with a guy who became very selfish only thinking about what he wanted. And because I begged him back the last time we broke up, I had to be the one to make the effort while he made very little effort in the relationship.

 

But my heart still misses him and I am doing everything I can to not reach out to him and try to talk to him. I deserve better. I know I do.

I guess I can take comfort in knowing that I do have a heart and that I am not a cold person.

 

Jess so sorry you are going through this too. Thank you for reaching out. Time is really the only thing that will heal our wounds. I am right there with you in your struggles.

 

Rockdad I think you are right. I was going to wing it and wait but I may get to counselling sooner rather than later. Today I really feel like I need it.

I am committed to walking away from this relationship because it is not healthy for me.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I think I am making progress!

Today I have a glimpse of feeling “whole”. I don’t feel as empty. Not sure how long it will last but I but I feel encouraged.

 

I have been reading so many threads and have found them very helpful.

 

Many have said you were happy and whole before you were with your ex so you can be whole again after. This I know is true but yet it still feels like the world is ending and I can’t imagine my life without him.

[stillafool]

The problem is that he gave up instead of trying to get the connection back. I guess for some men they just can’t. Or in my case I don’t think he wanted to make the effort. But hey that is his loss.

 

And, your gain. Do you want to take care of a grown man for the rest of your life? He isn't going to change and will probably find another woman to pick up where you left off. I'm sorry it hurts but it is for the best for you. Try to spend more time with your sons and get out and do something. (((hugs))))

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Yes that is what I have been focusing on and it helps a lot to be honest and real to yourself. When in a relationship love makes you blind and makes you see only what you want to see. The way I was envisioning my future with him was that we would do thing together and enjoy life and it’s struggles together.

 

BUT the reality is that I would be his servant cooking, cleaning, shopping, fixing the house (yes only thing he did was mow the lawn) keeping bills paid, jumping through the hoops to keep him happy while he complained about it not being enough. The most telling thing is that his parents have this relationship where the father is totally dependent on his mother (and he is still an a hole to her often).

 

Happiness is a state of being. You have to be happy with yourself to give happiness to another. I have worked my but off to get to a state of happiness. Finding happinesss in myself really has been the hardest thing I have ever worked on.

 

He is an unhappy person and looks for happiness from others. I was hoping he would mature over time when we got together but he has gone backwards.

So yes the true reality is that I have gained my life back.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Also (hugs) back to you. I do need a hug so thank you!

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Every day so far I fight some form of urge to reach out to him to talk or say something on my mind. I have not reached out and have been NC. Yesterday he texted some logistical stuff and I replied, then we passed a couple of personal messages and it almost broke me. I was at work so had to stop texting. I fought the urge to cry all day. It was a difficult day.

 

In the last week I have not slept well. During the days I am fine but at night I just lay there. Sometimes I feel no emotions during the night. Maybe depression?

 

But today I feel oddly better. I have not had the urge to reach out to him. I feel a distance between him.

 

When I get the feeling of wanting him back, I can also feel something that is stirring inside me, my own voice that says...actually no I don’t want him back. I deserve more and better.