How to start loving yourself, and stop tolerating disrespect?

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

Recently I had a pretty emotionally damaging dating experience that led to me being disrespectfully ghosted against my will. In the aftermath, I find myself having not an ounce of anger toward her and just wanting her. I've essentially set my own self-worth aside and holding onto something that will never be.

 

This isn't a newly developed habit either, as I've done this with ex girlfriends as well after being dumped or rejected. When meeting someone however, if I'm disrespected it's easy for me to calmly drop the person and move right along. But once I let someone "in" and they walk away from me, I pathetically crumble and will sacrifice my own well being at just the mere thought of having them back. It has taken a toll on both my physical and mental health not to mention my confidence.

 

I'm looking for any advice on building my self-worth. Is this something stemming from a scarcity mindset? Maybe it's something that needs to be addressed in talk therapy? This only occurs in my life when my heart is involved, even if just a little. If a friend or even family disrespected me on the level I've been disrespected my love interests in the past, I've no problem walking away with my head held high. Someone that is interested in me, or was at some point- it is an entirely different story.

[preraph]

Sometimes our level of involvement with someone who's relatively new is so highly emotionally charged specifically because we do not know the real person and so we are still hoping they are who we want them to be and of course, that is very powerful. I guess at this point, all you know about her really is "I am attracted to her. I think she might be who I hope she is." and now, "And then she disrespected and dumped me." Which, of course, proves she's not who you hoped she would be.

 

The fact you still don't blame and aren't angry with her, is that because you blame yourself for something or is it because you know you didn't really know her?

 

Is it because you just want her no matter what she's like inside because you only want her "outside" and are willing to overlook whether you're actually compatible or if she's actually a good person or not?

 

Is how she is familiar to you in some way? When you try to think of the first person you ever knew who acted how you perceive she acts, who is that person? If you had to think of someone from childhood who she could remind you of, who is that? Could it be how she is, warts and all, is just familiar to you and puts you in a comfort zone maybe from how your family was growing up?

 

Do you ever think of yourself as not good enough for someone and just lucky to have anyone? That's certain low self-esteem.

 

There's no magic bullet for self-esteem. It's usually fixed at some point in childhood, though mine took a hit in middle school, and I'm certainly not alone in that. I had healthy self-esteem until then and then rough years afterward. Once I got out on my own and followed my path and focused on something and pursued that, that's when I rebuilt my self-esteem. Doing something for myself. Doing for yourself and accomplishing things you want to accomplish is the one tangible way I know to build self-esteem. It doesn't come from landing a good looking partner. It comes from real accomplishments that wouldn't have happened but for your own efforts.

 

It's good to get to the root of low self-esteem by therapy or self-reflection. I did it via introspection during college years, but I also read a library full of psychiatric books that helped give me insight.

 

Gaining some distance from your family is usually important in order to see your life for what it really was , instead of through the familiarity lens. It's so important to get out on your own away from how you grew up. Then you can slowly start to look back in at your life and see how the different people shaped you, which is usually a mixed bag. With me, I had an overly critical mother, a mean sister whose approval my mother never stopped seeking, even blaming me for things she did, and a raging father.

 

But at the same time, both parents gave a great gift they were somewhat oblivious to. My mom grew up in the middle of nowhere with a huge family of siblings and we lived on the edge of the city basically in the country, and I was allowed to go out and be on my own in the fields with horses or scooters or however with no supervision there. My dad did talk about how important it was to learn to do things for yourself, handy thing, and let me help him do things sometimes. I was outwardly a tomboy. I was grateful neither parent tried to limit me to a strictly feminine role. I grew up very autonomous compared to nearly anyone else I know, and it gave me a strength none of them have. For that, I am very grateful because it made me a much better person.

 

To see all those advantages and the whole picture, it takes a few years of being out of the family to get perspective. Once you can step back and better understand the family dynamics, you can feel better about yourself. In the instance of my mother bending over backwards to get my sister's approval (while I was literally the straight-A child she never had to worry about until I was 16), I eventually came to understand that that wasn't about me being somehow defective but that that was my mother's issue, her defect. She is the one who couldn't feel good about herself unless she conquered my narcissistic sister, which she never did because she never understood what she was dealing with.

 

But then just because you may become able to understand yourself still doesn't overnight change your emotions, which always seem to lag behind. That kind of change is slow. Even more reason to get started sorting it all out early. Good luck.

[The Outlaw]

When it comes to the dating world, after a failure of my own I had, I once thought as you do now. I decided that the best way to limit defeat was to just remain optimistic about what could happen, but I just don't get my hopes up, but unfortunately, I didn't follow through on it. I was ghosted in a young relationship that showed promise and it hurt like hell. Unbelievable hell, because I gave it my all like we all tend to do. I thought it was all on me, but it wasn't. Turns out that later, she had gotten engaged and married later and I'd always wondered what he had that I didn't. But with some help along the way, I got over her. WAY over her, and looking back, I can't believe that I ever put that much stock into the relationship in the first place or even cared about her. But in the past five years it's been since that happened, I've turned it into a learning experience. And when someone goes far enough to just brush you off, it's nothing you did, but it's very much on them. Actions speak louder than words and it's a clear definition of who they really are. And they're the kinds of people you don't want in your life.

[d0nnivain]

Talk therapy will definitely help.

 

I think most people are guilty of giving loved one's a pass that would not be afforded to others. Don't kick yourself too hard for being human & kind.

 

Do make sure that you don't sacrifice yourself for somebody else.

 

You may want to make a brainstorm stream of consciousness list of all the good things about yourself, from the profound to the trivial to the silly. Just write & write & write. Keep it up for at least an hour. then put the list down. Over the course of the next week ask your parents to name some of your good qualities. Put those on the list even if you disagree with them. If you have siblings or others that you are really close to you can ask them too but don't go crazy getting other people's opinions. Put the list away for about another week. Then pull out a clean sheet of paper & you write more things you like about yourself. Put that list with the 1st one & leave it be for a while. Then pull it out again & read it over. Make a list of your top 20 things that you like about yourself. Put that down for a day or two. Then whittle it down to your top 10. Once you have those, type it up in fairly large font & tape it somewhere you have to see it every day. Keep another copy by your bed & read it over before you go to sleep until you believe it!

[Soak]

But once I let someone "in" and they walk away from me, I pathetically crumble and will sacrifice my own well being

 

I am similar, although i don't crumble.

 

The statement "When i let someone in" is key.

 

The answer is not to let people in too quickly, until you have a better read on them.

 

How to do this?

 

Separate yourself from them. If you feel excited about somebody initially, step back, use self talk to remind yourself that there might be another side to them (there usually is, at least one other side!). Learn all you can about them, research them. Paraph is spot on with the theory that you are being intoxicated with the outside.

 

It usually takes three months for the mask to fall away.

 

Then, and only then, do you consider letting other people in.

Edited May 31, 2019 by Soak

[Mr. Lucky]

Recently I had a pretty emotionally damaging dating experience that led to me being disrespectfully ghosted against my will.

 

Your description both of the relationship (dating experience) and aftermath (disrespectfully ghosted against my will) seems to indicate a tendency on your part to over-commit before that level of attachment is warranted. And as you've found out, in this day and age that can be a dangerous approach.

 

"Interest" isn't the same as the bond you form with someone over a period of time and you shouldn't have the same emotional equity vested early on. Certainly, therapy would be a useful setting in which this could be explored...

 

Mr. Lucky

[todreaminblue]

Talk therapy will definitely help.

 

I think most people are guilty of giving loved one's a pass that would not be afforded to others. Don't kick yourself too hard for being human & kind.

 

Do make sure that you don't sacrifice yourself for somebody else.

 

You may want to make a brainstorm stream of consciousness list of all the good things about yourself, from the profound to the trivial to the silly. Just write & write & write. Keep it up for at least an hour. then put the list down. Over the course of the next week ask your parents to name some of your good qualities. Put those on the list even if you disagree with them. If you have siblings or others that you are really close to you can ask them too but don't go crazy getting other people's opinions. Put the list away for about another week. Then pull out a clean sheet of paper & you write more things you like about yourself. Put that list with the 1st one & leave it be for a while. Then pull it out again & read it over. Make a list of your top 20 things that you like about yourself. Put that down for a day or two. Then whittle it down to your top 10. Once you have those, type it up in fairly large font & tape it somewhere you have to see it every day. Keep another copy by your bed & read it over before you go to sleep until you believe it!

 

 

love this idea donnivain....it might even make a good thread for loveshack....for peeps here to remember their good qualities

[crispytoast]

d0nnivain you're awesome. I very much agree, positive affirmations can make a huge difference. Also, inspiring quotes & proverbs and things like mantras & positive poetry. My friend has stuff like that all over her house and if I'm feeling really down on myself, I can go to her house and just being in there cheers me up.

[Destiny Couple]

My 2 cents on the topic. I'm sure others have explained possible back story elements to the how we grow up and the link to self worth and self esteem.

 

I would only add to suggest what has helped me through the ages. I find as I am getting older, choosing the right people around you is so important to one's self worth. Try to make and stay with friends that have a positive influence on you. Naturally, we can't choose our family but we can certainly choose our friends.

 

I also found with me, that meditation helped a lot with my own self worth issues. It is amazing how something so personal can end up having such an affect so I would highly recommend it. You will find moments of peace and calm which is so important these days.

 

I would also suggest, if you haven't already to focus on one passion of yours and build it up. Build it up around goals and reward yourself when you reach these goals. It could be exercise, martial arts, a sport. Tony Robbins states that motion affects emotion. When we move, we affect the way we feel about ourselves.

 

Lastly, place importance on yourself as much as when you let someone into your life.