LivingWaterPlease Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 If the new guy has strong feelings about me then so what is the ex going to tell him about me? That possibly can’t change his mind about me. Most likely the new guy will tell the ex ( his best friend) to take a hike. I’m not a bad person. If the ex hates me why will that influence the guy? Best guy friends really do that? Isn’t that a women thing only? Why do you think new guy will tell ex (his best friend) to take a hike? I would think new guy would be glad for this information. You write, "I'm not a bad person." No one is saying you're a bad person. Posing as someone other than you are and contacting an ex as such is, IMO, more than a little bit out of the ordinary. At the least it seems to me immature and/or deceitful. His friend may appreciate the information as presumably you could do something similar to him one day, something a little out-of-the-ordinary; unexpected, unpredictable and/or immature. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenlights0000 Posted June 6, 2019 Author Share Posted June 6, 2019 If I was going to date an ex lover's friend I met randomly I'd tell the friend on the first date I dated his friend (the ex). That's even if things ended very well. If things ended badly, as you wrote they did, I would then say something to him like, "I hope ex has gotten over yada yada yada, some crazy stuff that went on between us (OR "crazy stuff I did," OR "crazy stuff I wish I hadn't done" because it does seem a bit unusual to me). If you want a dating relationship at all with this guy you need to tell him before your ex does. He can and probably will make it sound even worse than it was. And, IMO, what you did wasn't the greatest as it involved deceit, even if it was supposed to be a joke. Let it be a lesson to you that before you take any action it can come back to haunt you in the most unusual ways so best to always be kind, honest, etc. in all situations. You should do this because it's the right thing to do, but as you are finding out it's also the smart thing to do. That will just be creepy if I told him I went out with his best friend, he’s going to ask how I knew that he is friends with him and I only know that because I looked at the ex Facebook friends list and I recognized his picture. That makes me look like some lurker. This is stressing me out I mean, I just hope he doesn’t show a picture of me to him if he decides to talk about his tinder date to the ex. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 It's going to come out one way or another. If it comes from you, it will show you as honest and transparent. If it comes from someone else, it would show you as deceitful and prone to lying by omission. And no way would I choose someone I'd dated only a couple of times over a best mate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 That will just be creepy if I told him I went out with his best friend, he’s going to ask how I knew that he is friends with him and I only know that because I looked at the ex Facebook friends list and I recognized his picture. That makes me look like some lurker. This is stressing me out I mean, I just hope he doesn’t show a picture of me to him if he decides to talk about his tinder date to the ex. Not really. You can tell him something like, "Wow, small world! What a coincidence but I actually dated a close friend of yours!" If he asks how you know you tell him you looked at your ex's friend list. Because that's the truth. You write it makes you look like some lurker. Well, if that's what a lurker is then you're a lurker. Big deal, so are a lot of other people on FB. Be authentic. People love authenticity. The turn off is when people do stuff they're ashamed of and try to hide it with lies. If you date him you will have this in the back of your mind and the guilt you feel will seep into your behavior around him. If I were in your shoes I would have no problem telling new guy I looked at ex's friend list because I don't think it's a bad thing. And I really don't care who looks at my friend list. New guy has probably looked at friend lists of some people, too. Then again, if you're doing stuff you're ashamed of, stop doing whatever it is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 I think the OP doesn't realize how men differ from women when it comes to relationships with other male friends...It may all work out in the end, but I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't ….If nothing else, she will be the perpetual punch line any time the guys get together... TFY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 TFY, I agree with your expectations of how this would end. But I don’t think girls are so different. If I found out that I’d been on a date with the loathed ex of a good friend, I’d believe her stories and steer clear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 You've never heard of the "bro code"??? "Bro code" is certainly alive and well, depending on the level of friendship and the relationship a friend has had with a woman. A good friend in college dated a gal for nearly a year and was broken up when she called it off. Her and I remained friends and she asked me out for coffee. I had no romantic intentions towards her but I still cleared it with him first as I wasn't going to risk my friendship with him over it. He was cool with it because he knew I wasn't looking to date her but I know he would've been p-ssed if I started. But, back to the OP; I don't see anything wrong with pursuing the guy as long as you're honest with him about having been with his friend. If you're not honest, you risk running into some drama. I'm not saying that it's justifiable drama, but messiness, nonetheless. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 What if the ex influences him not to date me? I mean the ex hates my guts. If the ex hates you why are you still looking at his FB? Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenlights0000 Posted June 7, 2019 Author Share Posted June 7, 2019 "Bro code" is certainly alive and well, depending on the level of friendship and the relationship a friend has had with a woman. A good friend in college dated a gal for nearly a year and was broken up when she called it off. Her and I remained friends and she asked me out for coffee. I had no romantic intentions towards her but I still cleared it with him first as I wasn't going to risk my friendship with him over it. He was cool with it because he knew I wasn't looking to date her but I know he would've been p-ssed if I started. But, back to the OP; I don't see anything wrong with pursuing the guy as long as you're honest with him about having been with his friend. If you're not honest, you risk running into some drama. I'm not saying that it's justifiable drama, but messiness, nonetheless. I never really “dated” the ex. It was more of a hookup. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 Oh, so he was not actually an "ex" just a hook up. Well if that's the case they both will definitely discuss how they hooked up with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts