GIGS or something more? **Updated**

[basil67]

Don't contact him. Just work on moving on in your life. There will be more boys and more fun when you're healed.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear about this and how much it has hurt you. You seem to have handled it wisely by going no contact.

 

This guy was 25? He was not mature, most people are not mature by that age. He fell in love, was overwhelmed by the feelings, and thought he knew what he wanted for the long term. It turns out he didn't.

 

This happens to a lot of people; they mistake strong feelings of attraction for love and believe it will last forever. Sometimes it does; sometimes it does not and people cannot help their feelings. Feelings do change. If he was feeling uncertain and wondering if the relationship should continue, then an argument could well be the last straw. But do not blame yourself - anything could have been the last straw. If it wasn't an argument, it would have been him ignoring you or generally neglecting your needs, or getting involved with someone else. When someone loses feelings, they don't usually come back.

 

I know it is no compensation but it could just as easily have been you who lost feelings for him and sprung this on him. It's a hideous situation to be in because you feel led-on and mistreated. He is probably feeling guilty.

 

The right guy for you will be with you and stay with you. This is painful and you have a right to mourn for this relationship lost. You will recover and, when you are ready, meet someone else. For the moment though, I can only sympathise and recommend you stick with no contact. Sending hugs xx

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I wouldn't be surprised if the thought of being single was playing on his mind for a while. When you called him out for reopening a social media page, it opened up all those issues it caused back then, and he started to feel smothered by this relationship, wishing he no longer had to feel obligated and could just do whatever he wants. It's even possible that he did it deliberately to provoke this reaction from you.

 

Your relationship sounded like it was very intense and serious from the beginning, but sometimes those types of relationships burn people out. They lose themselves, and get caught up in the love story, talk of being soulmates, naming your future children etc., but at some point the romance fog lifts and they realize that this is too much.

 

I'm sure that is of little comfort to you now, but as someone who went through something similar at your age, I can say that you will get through it. Looking back you will realize that he wasn't "the one", but that takes time.

 

Take care.

[ExpatInItaly]

I had somehow felt that — the way he was so amiably interacting with everybody whom he claimed he totally hated was also a painful blow upon discovering the account. Here I am, left feeling shattered, scratching my head, and entirely hopeless. I do not intend to break No Contact.

 

Did you feel he was hiding something?

 

Or purposely keeping you off his social media?

[GamineKitty]

Did you feel he was hiding something?

 

Or purposely keeping you off his social media?

 

Naturally I had thoughts about him hiding something but, I had a great amount of trust for my ex so this thought only ever occurred once fleetingly. I rather felt like he was purposely keeping me off his social media for another reason I can’t quite pinpoint.

 

I am fighting the daily urge to message him, I’m only supposing this is normal during intense heartbreak. Still, I’m maintaining No Contact. I can’t eat, function, perform daily activity, sleep and whenever I do manage to drift off, I only ever dream of him. Though, I feel I’m handling it better than usual – I am trying to focus on what’s ahead for ME, rather than behind. Habitually I can’t stop my ex being my first and last thought during the day – this mind has so many panicked questions regarding his wellbeing. Talk about exhausting!

 

I discussed the entire situation with a relative and he felt that, as my ex was often under immense pressure/stress (by the time we had our second breakup, B was preparing for university finals the following week) my confrontation about his social media account could’ve been the straw to break the camel’s back. Alongside this, a relative also suggested that rather than a loss of love, my ex’s feelings could’ve more–so been buried by stress (I struggle to comprehend this - my emotions are never diminished by stress hence the struggle to understand, although I hear it’s different for men who are facing daunting points in life? - but then again, I’m struggling to comprehend every other suggestion).

 

Of course, I’m taking each speculation into account – none of us except my ex have the accurate answer. My head still feels battered… and it’s almost been a dang month. I still can’t make any sense of his decision to leave. I don’t want to add another element of stress to my ex’s life so I’m keeping away, especially while he’s undergoing finals. However, a part of me (whether instinct or false hope) has a strong feeling this isn’t “it” for my ex and I. Do you feel as if, judging by the entire situation, there’s a likelihood I’ll hear from him again?

Edited June 2, 2019 by GamineKitty
Additional info.

[Fekenaws]

I would say it may have been GiGs at first, but now he is checked out. Go no contact. I guarantee you that you WILL hear from him again if you mean ANYTHING to him. Literally ANYTHING. This DOES NOT mean he will want to get back together when you hear from him again, BUT it does give you the best chance for that to happen.

 

My personal opinion? Just block him on everything and start moving on, I REALLY wish I did that in my past relationship but I didn't. I'm still grieving 8 months later.

[GamineKitty]

I would say it may have been GiGs at first, but now he is checked out. Go no contact. I guarantee you that you WILL hear from him again if you mean ANYTHING to him. Literally ANYTHING. This DOES NOT mean he will want to get back together when you hear from him again, BUT it does give you the best chance for that to happen.

 

My personal opinion? Just block him on everything and start moving on, I REALLY wish I did that in my past relationship but I didn't. I'm still grieving 8 months later.

 

Thank you, Feke. I am taking each day as it comes, growing stronger with time, and I’m giving my suffering to fate – we’ll see what becomes of this.

[The Outlaw]

If he was more than willing to part with you over such an issue, feelings aside, he wasn't meant for you in the first place. I don't think most people would go as far as he did and just forget the history they've shared with somebody. There's a possibility that he'll come around, but for now, just maintain NC. That's the best thing you can do at this point.

[mark clemson]

Hi, GK - I missed this thread when it first started up. This is not a diagnosis, but to me it sounds like your former "soulmate" has many hallmarks of Borderline Personality Disorder. Particularly the rapid deep-dive into the R followed by the extreme reversal.

 

If you're interested you might do some internet research on this topic.

 

This is just my opinion, but it sounds to me like your "minor disagreement" triggered his BPD or tendencies. Hence the rapid reversal. What you describe in point (7) of your OP also correlates with this IMO.

 

Sadly BPDish folks can really do a number on partners emotionally.

[elaine567]

Hi, GK - I missed this thread when it first started up. This is not a diagnosis, but to me it sounds like your former "soulmate" has many hallmarks of Borderline Personality Disorder. Particularly the rapid deep-dive into the R followed by the extreme reversal.

That is not specific to BDPers, every "toxic" personality type tends to do that, along with normal people who due to inexperience get "carried away" then "sober up" when reality hits...

[mark clemson]

True - it could be narcissism or possibly just tendencies without full blown disorder. And there is a "personality disorder not otherwise specified" (I think that's what it's called) for folks who don't fit one of the molds of the main 3.

 

So, yes, 100% agree it's not necessarily BPD. That's what it sounds most like to me from what was written, but as I pointed out I'm not trying to diagnose or anything.

[GamineKitty]

At most, my ex suffered with bouts of depression. Not a part of his personality exhibited toxicity or disorder. Though I can understand why it may seem that way, as many unanticipated traits of an individual’s personality can reflect those similar within psychological diagnostic criteria.

[GamineKitty]

Hey all, GK here again!

 

So, as some of you may have seen, recently I have been coping with this agonising breakup. Successfully, I’ve made it to a month of No Contact (32 days to be precise) whilst battling the urge to respond to my ex (I did leave his last messages where he stated we could be nothing more than “friends” on ‘seen/read’). I have, as most, heard nothing from him currently.

 

I have spent this month in much solid introspection, and as each say passes by I feel I am gaining a closer relationship with myself. However as naturally expected, I have just a few questions (feel free to tell me your stories beside them):

 

1) How long did it take your ex to produce any form of contact with you as soon as you begun no contact? (The answer is solely focused on those who have heard something as opposed to silence).

 

2) Did you find yourself wanting to get back with your ex when they returned?

 

3) What did you do in your ex’s absence to remember yourself?

 

4) How did you pass the time during your loneliness?

 

5) Are you currently back with your ex?

 

BEFORE I’m told that NC is to focus on me without the hope of my ex returning — YES, I’m fully aware. This is not a post meant to instil false hope or fantasy. This is a post that wishes to discover more about the realities behind hard breakups from serious relationships (whether that’s 4+ months or 4+ years, every relationship is defined as ‘serious’ based on its own influencers). These are simply curiosities I have about the experiences of others! Feel free to answer all or any!

 

Take care, all.

Edited June 7, 2019 by GamineKitty
Additions.

[d0nnivain]

I don't believe in going backwards in life. I have never broken up with somebody lightly By the time things ended, they were well & truly over so there was none of this game playing.

 

If there was a spur of moment / heat of the moment things said in anger, those were fixed by the next day. As I matured I learned to control my temper so that didn't happen even if there was a fight.

 

With one EX in my early 20s, I could handle straight NC so we had this crazy agreement where I weaned myself off him. That took about 2-3 weeks.

 

 

I think at a minimum, you need to disconnect from this EX on social media. The fact that you can leave somebody on read indicates that you are still far too connected. Unfriend / unfollow. You will be better off not knowing what they are doing & not giving them insight into what you are up to.

[nolanola]

Most of the guys that I have dated have "come back" at some point, although it wasn't necessarily to get back together. It was a variable amount of time: one ex got in touch after 3 years, one after one month, one after 18 years (college boyfriend). I'm not with any of them.

 

The man that got in touch after a month is my most recent ex and it created a lot of doubt for me. I am no where near completely healed from him so hearing from him was really disrupting. The contact that happened wasn't really meaningful, so it just made me wonder why he was getting in touch. Which is more annoying than anything.

 

With the guy that came back after 3 years, ours was a very toxic relationship and breakup, so that time period was really helpful - by the time I heard from him again, I was conflicted but on my way to being over him. He tried a few more times after that, but by the time he last got in touch, I knew I was over him and didn't want him in my life anymore.

 

Staying NC can be hard sometimes. After the first few months, when you're fighting more of an addiction, it does get easier. Especially if you can quit everything with them (social media, things that remind you of them, etc). I'm at 7 months now and it sometimes is hard because I will remember things about him or times that we shared and I will feel that sense of wishing he was in my life again. But, for me, I know I'm not over him, so I need to keep going. I am in therapy to work on why I accepted the behavior I did, but I also think time is so important. That's what will help you move on and get over someone.

[Fekenaws]

1) 3 months almost to the day

 

2) Yup

 

3) Got promoted, lost weight, hung out with friends, started dating

 

4) When I was truly alone I went for walks around the neighborhood, park or the beach

 

5) Nope, she is totally over the relationship

[Blanco]

1) How long did it take your ex to produce any form of contact with you as soon as you begun no contact? (The answer is solely focused on those who have heard something as opposed to silence).

 

Maybe a month?

 

2) Did you find yourself wanting to get back with your ex when they returned?

 

Not really. I knew it was the right thing for us not to be together, so for me, getting back together wasn't on the table. Plus she had found someone else not long after we split, so there was that added layer of undesirability. Still, in a classic ego move, part of me wanted her to come back even though I knew I didn't really want to be with her.

 

 

3) What did you do in your ex’s absence to remember yourself?

 

Got back to weight training. Lost the 50 pounds I'd packed on during the time we'd lived together. Was just pretty selfish in general with my time.

 

4) How did you pass the time during your loneliness?

 

In addition to being more physically active, I did the usual stuff: Reconnected with old friends. Tried to make new ones. Be social. Journal a lot. Join Loveshack!

 

5) Are you currently back with your ex?

 

Nope and now I'm upset with myself for having wasted literally years healing but still holding on to her in one way or another. That's probably my biggest regret. That I can look back in terms of YEARS and realize I will not get back that time.

[Blanco]

Also, I'll suggest trying to forget how many days of NC you're on. It helps in the beginning, but once you break past 30 days, it's almost like you're counting a short-term prison sentence. In reality, most of us are better off looking at this at a life sentence, so counting days is kind of pointless.

[GamineKitty]

GK here, I’ll get to the point as this revelation only occurred a few minutes ago:

 

I truly, truly made a mistake in regards to my situation (see threads) and feel I need some major, immediate help.

 

Regarding my potential GIGs ex(?) I made the stupid mistake of reactivating my Facebook account. I am utterly devastated. I saw so much I did not want to see: my ex has erased everything associated with me. He’s talking to a plethora of new people (and women). He’s talking about how he’s on vacation with a new job but how he can find the time to chat to others, how his inbox is open to random messages, how he’s getting drunk with his friends, how he’s sending random voice messages to anyone who wants them etc. He is posting relentless status updates. He is acting in the same way before I met him (such a manner he’d call a façade). I don’t even know who this person is. I feel choked up. I have not stopped crying. I do not know what to do. I feel like acting impulsively, perhaps texting him but I shan’t.

 

It appears as if NOTHING has affected him. As if he has NO REGARD or CARE. Words cannot describe my devastation. I am trying to calm my tears and breathing. Does he not care? Has he genuinely become so heartless? Does anybody have insight or more importantly, kind advice to help me out? Thank you!!

Edited June 8, 2019 by GamineKitty

[preraph]

He doesn't care enough to have apparently treated you right and kept a relationship going with you. That's just a fact or he'd still be there. People move on, especially if it's them who are the dumper. They're often relieved to have ended it.

 

Your goal needs to be that you stop caring what he's doing and move on. When you get tired enough of being miserable, you will. Stop snooping on him! You're being masochistic, just punishing yourself. He isn't who you hoped he was, period. He's not your guy. It's over. It always hurts, but how long it hurts is up to how quickly you accept it wasn't right to begin with.

[elaine567]

This is why NC exists, so that we don't have to view the "love of our life" having a great time playing the field after they have dumped us...

[Redhead14]

In another one of your threads you mentioned "agonizing" break up. You are being complicit in your own agony. Give yourself a break and get out and spend some time focusing on just you and being good to yourself. Go out and buy something you've been wanting (without breaking the bank). Use the break up "energy" to rearrange your place. Buy new curtains and matching pillows. Get some new wall hangings/decorations and put away some of the old ones. You can swap out periodically. Make an appointment to get your nails or hair done. Do something productive for just YOU.

 

You're so hung up on how he seems to have moved on. Why not turn the table and show him you're just fine also . . .

[ExpatInItaly]

I don’t even know who this person is. I feel choked up. I have not stopped crying. I do not know what to do. I feel like acting impulsively, perhaps texting him but I shan’t.

 

It appears as if NOTHING has affected him. As if he has NO REGARD or CARE. Words cannot describe my devastation. I am trying to calm my tears and breathing. Does he not care? Has he genuinely become so heartless? Does anybody have insight or more importantly, kind advice to help me out? Thank you!!

 

This is the real him, OP.

 

It hurts to realize he wasn't being his true self with you, but evidently he'd been trying to wear a mask he didn't really want to wear. He was like this before you met him, he tried to change for a bit but it didn't work, and now he's settled back into being the person he has always really been.

 

There is no reason to message him. I know it feels personal, but it isn't. It's true that the break-up generally hurts the dumper less, since they were the ones who called it off, but their behaviour after the split is rarely meant to cause the dumpee harm. As such, he's not being heartless. He's not trying to rub it in or be malicious toward you. He's being himself; I do understand it stings to actually see it, though.

 

Let this be your confirmation that the two of you were really not compatible. Don't check his social media anymore.

[d0nnivain]

You can keep your social media accounts. You just need to clock him.

 

Think of this as hopefully the final nail in the coffin. Now you can move on. Knowing there is no going back to him

[elaine567]

You just need to clock him.

That's a bit drastic

 

Clock

INFORMAL•BRITISH

hit (someone), especially on the head.