Nerdgirl88 Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 Hi! I just joined. I have been in a ldr for almost 10 years. Yes that sounds like a long time but I have moved a lot over the years. I currently live in Virginia and he lives in Ohio. I have social anxiety and he has Autism. We met on Twitter and instantly clicked. I have never felt this way about anyone. I am trying to find a job so I can save enough money to finally be able to be with him but my social anxiety and lack of experience is making it difficult but I am not giving up. I love with all of my heart. Here is where my problem is, he recently got a job after not having one for a long time and I am thrilled but he has a new female friend/ co-worker. They have only been friends for about a month. He is letting her move in with him. His mom still owns the condo where he lives and he hasn't told her yet. I feel like he's moving really fast with this but I am trying really hard to be accepting of it even though my anxiety about it is making it hard. It's just everything he is doing with her he is supposed to do with me. It makes me sad. I trust him and know he would never cheat on me it's just his friend seems very attached to him and even overly friendly and excited towards him. I have talked to her on Facebook messenger she seems nice but she doesn't seem to want to get to know me. I was hoping we could all be friends. I just feel like it is going to keep taking away my time with him. We are on Skype everyday. How do I cope with this friend moving in and doing the stuff I should be doing with him? We want to eventually get married if I can ever move there. Does anyone have any advice for someone with social anxiety and no experience to get a job? I can use any and all advice on both questions. Does anyone think she shouldn't move in? Him having female friends doesn't bother me just this one seems to be taking over or something. He said he won't listen to anyone when it comes to her. I don't want things to blow up over this. I just don't know who he would listen to. Thank you for reading and feel free to reach out if you need to talk. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 Have you ever met in person? How often do you see each other? Do what you can to get together sooner rather then later to make you feel better. Right now your anxiety is coloring your perceptions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
health Posted June 2, 2019 Share Posted June 2, 2019 Him letting a new coworker move in with him from a new job sounds stupid. For what? You're not supposed to get close to any coworkers like that. You are right to feel anxious. This either works out or you prepare yourself for if it doesn't. Become independent and begin a new and better life. I hope it does work out though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nerdgirl88 Posted June 2, 2019 Author Share Posted June 2, 2019 We haven't been able to meet in person yet but we are working on it. He doesn't drive and I don't have a car right now. He just recently got his job after being unemployed for years and I am currently looking for a job even though I don't have any experience. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted June 2, 2019 Share Posted June 2, 2019 You seem like a super nice and sweet person nerd, and I don't doubt you have real feelings for this guy, but I think that if either of you actually really wanted this thing to be an in person thing it would have happened by now. You can talk about anxiety, and that he doesn't drive, but generally when people really want something to happen, they find a way to make it happen. They don't wait 10 years and then move another woman in with them. I generally don't like social interaction much either but there's no wall or obstacle I wouldn't have beat down to be with my wife. Anyway, no matter what happens with this guy, I'd start looking at the job ads in your area and see where they need people the most. Then find a way to get trained in that. Generally jobs that really need people are more forgiving about lack of experience. And work on your social coping skills. Force yourself to go out and interact with people. If you really want a life outside of your parents house. Or on disability/welfare. Whatever less than ideal method you're using to survive right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 2, 2019 Share Posted June 2, 2019 (edited) I'm sorry, OP, but I think you are looking at the end of the road for you two. 10 years is far too long for a relationship to be purely virtual. It just isn't sustainable and doesn't compare to real-life prospects. I realize there are extenuating circumstances but it's just not realistic to hang on if the likelihood of closing the distance in the immediate future is slim. You two haven't been able to meet even once in a decade; this doesn't realistically appear to be going anywhere. Having another woman move in with him, in my opinion, is your sign that he is losing interest in the relationship and investing his time in the world around him instead. You and he have built up a fantasy future but that future is built on quicksand if there wasn't any concrete foundation to support it. You have never had a first date, never held hands, never been intimate, never gone to bed or woken up together, never bickered over dirty dishes in the sink and kissed and made up later. Talk of marriage is premature given the absence of any time spent together in person. That is the real problem, here. This female friend has brought it all to a head, but the problems were there before she came along. Edited June 2, 2019 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted June 3, 2019 Share Posted June 3, 2019 The chemistry you shared with him through the LDR possibly may have not had the same impact if you met him in RL. I'm not saying your feelings for him weren't real, but sometimes we dream or fantasize about things that maybe possible, but aren't ever really there. Trust me, I've been there quite a few times. But for now, work on you. You don't have to cut him out. Just because she's moved in with him doesn't mean that the relationship will even last. Chin up and good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
killerqueen7 Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 Wow, 10 years is a long time. For starters, if you want the relationship to work and to move forward, you have to meet. NOTHING compares to talking to your SO face-to-face, hugging them, kissing them, even being able to smell them. Secondly, I understand your concerns regarding that female co-worker. I've been there myself and I suffer from anxiety, too, so I know the hell you must be going through. But you have to realize that, most of the time, it's your anxiety talking. Keep yourself busy as much as you can. Being in a long distance relationship (especially considering the length of yours) means that you have to trust. Has he ever given you a reason not to? Talk to him! After 10 years, I'm sure you can talk to him about all your concerns. But I have to say, I'd be pissed if another woman moved in with my boyfriend, so I totally understand. But I repeat: You have to meet! ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Yes well written piece, nice warmth actually coming across through your writing, It is obviously an unusual one, has this guy made any attempt to travel to you? have you made no attempt to meet up on a purely holiday basis even? I dont know, I hope it can all work out for you, what type of support groups are available to you for -social anxiety and finding employment, have you a friend/family member who could help with you some of these travel plans so that things could be made easier for you, could you meet a close female friend through some of these "support groups" who could help you to actually meet this chap in person, I think you need to get out in your community and find support, could you do some adult education classes to upskill and increase your job prospects, Link to post Share on other sites
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