I have a pattern of cheating and I am 29.

[Pepsi Man]

Hey guys, I have been struggling with a problematic issue of mine since I was a teen. Let me give a little history of how long this has been going on for:

 

I started dating when I was around 14 and had online partners. Problem went on through out my teen years; I would constantly cheat and would have up to 3 partners at any given time. I had zero resentment for my actions and when one relationship would end I would just happily go to another one same day.

 

98% of my relationships were online, I had very little actual physical relationships. Oddly enough the ones that I did have I never cheated on. In my mid 20's I tried to change my ways. I went through two relationships before ending up with this one girl from Africa. She was not attractive at all to me so I strayed and ended up cheating on her with multiple women (Mostly online except I made out with my ex when we were together.). I felt so guilty that I broke up with her myself to end the misery.

 

My current relationship:

 

I am with a beautiful woman, shes smart and everything that I ever want. I really don't want to bring this cheating garbage into this perfectly good relationship. Problem is, I had an incident with 3 girls already but stopped them right away before they grew out of control.

 

I seriously do not want to cheat. It is disgusting and quiet frankly I don't know what made me think it was alright to do in the first place.

[BaileyB]

Find yourself a counsellor. You have some work to do...

[d0nnivain]

98% of these "relationships" were on line. Did you ever meet any of them? If not, cut yourself some slack. These were fantasies. Who cares if you were talking to more then 1 teen girl at a time? Unless you lied to them & told them you were only talking to them, it wasn't terrible.

 

Since you have decided to stop & be faithful, do that.

 

Is this relationship real as in you see the woman regularly. Since you have now gone from a virtual relationship to a real one, it may be easier to stay faithful. Do disconnect from your OL honeys though

[The Outlaw]

If you don't want to cheat and risk the relationship you have now, don't. Any solid relationships we have aren't worth losing because of cheating. It's a hard habit to break from those that do it, but good on you for wanting to stop.

[Pepsi Man]

Did you ever meet any of them?

 

Since you have decided to stop & be faithful, do that.

 

Is this relationship real as in you see the woman regularly. Since you have now gone from a virtual relationship to a real one, it may be easier to stay faithful. Do disconnect from your OL honeys though

 

I have never met any of my online partners. I will stop and be faithful, I am dealing with a problem with an ex who doesn't stop texting me. This is the ex from Afica I broke it off with, after we broke up I stopped all communication for months until she texted me. I didn't think I would need to block her but it is becoming obvious I need to block her.

 

My ex should of felt lucky I even responded to her in the first place. Me and my current girlfriend agreed on not talking to our ex's, but I know she talked to her ex husband one time so I think I am allowed to do it once too.

 

The texts were appropriate at first and then my ex send a kissy face when I said good night. Nope, not acceptable and I am really going to have to stop talking to her now.

[d0nnivain]

So block her.

 

I occasionally bump into 2 of my EXs through work. We have short banal conversations about the weather & a quick superficial catch up. They had both been sorry to hear when my parents died. It was no big deal in part because I tell my husband when I see them. Transparency is important.

 

I would send a final text to the EX. I'm sorry but we are broken up. There is also no meaningful chance we could ever meet. I am with somebody else now & you have crossed the line into harassing me. I wish you well but I'm blocking you. Do not contact me again.

Then block her.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have never met any of my online partners.

 

Well, I have to ask - why is this? You've never met, dated IRL or slept with any of these partners save your ex?

 

You might be cheating out of boredom. There are emotional and physical aspects of a relationship one cannot fulfill online...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Well, I have to ask - why is this? You've never met, dated IRL or slept with any of these partners save your ex?

 

You might be cheating out of boredom. There are emotional and physical aspects of a relationship one cannot fulfill online...

 

There is also no real consequence. The commitment is minimal, the relationship is not the same. Whereas, when you are dating someone in real life and you see the hurt on their face when they learn you have cheated... thats a consequence.

[Amethyst68]

What is an "incident"? You say you've already had them them with 3 girls, curious to know when you think it becomes cheating or what the line is for inappropriate behaviour.

[pepperbird]

op,

while I think it's great that you recognize you have an issue and want to stop your behvaior before you hurt someone, I suggest to you that you do some heavy duty soul searching.

 

 

Is being with one person a good fit for you, or are you someone who prefers to keep his options open?

 

I'm someone who can't be with more than one person at a time. That's not suited to me. It sounds to me like you are better suited to keeping yourself free so you can explore relationships. If that;s what makes you tick, great. Just please, be honest with your relationship partners and yourself. I'm not saying that you shouldn't strive to be with just one person at a time if that's what you want, more that you should be honest with any relationship partners you have that monogamy is something you have struggled with and you can't make any promises. That way, she can decide if it's a good fit for her.

[Pepsi Man]

What is an "incident"? You say you've already had them them with 3 girls, curious to know when you think it becomes cheating or what the line is for inappropriate behaviour.

 

I considered it an incident if both of the following happens:

 

1. Excessive flirting

 

2. Saying you are single with the intent of keeping them open as an option.

 

It becomes a full blown cheating situation when:

 

1. Sending highly inappropriate pictures to each other.

 

2. Doing inappropriate things on camera like undressing ect.

 

3. Keeping your spouse/partner out of conversations.

 

4. Sexual role playing of any kind with anyone without your spouse/partners consent.

 

So by my definitions I mislabeled some things:

 

This relationship I had: 3 cheating situations and 2 incidents. Yes I was not being 100% transparent in my other post but I found it's pointless to keep them secret if I want help.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

3. Keeping your spouse/partner out of conversations.

 

 

Was this last "spouse/partner" you cheated on someone you'd never met IRL?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Pepsi Man]

@Mr.Lucky Yes, my current and my ex I have never met in real life. Hope this helps you.

[heartwhole2]

You will benefit greatly from therapy. You need to explore why you are more comfortable behind a screen than sitting next to your lover on the couch. You need human touch, eye contact, smell, etc. in a relationship.

 

When you connect with a new person on line, you get a dopamine hit. You're addicted to that high, so you seek it out even though you're supposed to be faithful to your current partner. I'm not naive enough to think that planting yourself firmly in the real world of face to face relationships will "cure" you, but I do think it's an important first step.

 

You need self-awareness and self-regulation, just like you would with any addiction.

[Pepsi Man]

@heartwhole2

 

I tried to get therapy but my mother does not support it and said I don't need therapy. I haven't told her why I wanted therapy since I consider this a very personal problem. I will see if my dad will support it, just upsets me that when I ask for help that I am denied it.

 

Questions that will probably follow that answer:

 

You are 29! Why can't you just go to therapy without caring what she thinks? Because I live with her and it will make my life hell if I just do whatever I want.

 

Why are you living with your parents? Because I am on social security and that is not enough to live on. I have autism and my mom got me on social security as soon as I turned 18.

 

Why can't you just get off social security and get a real job? I would but again I am living with my mom and I really don't want to start world war 3 with her and make my life miserable.

 

But Pepsi my man, you are over 18 and she legally can't control you: I know this, this isn't about my legal rights; it is about my living conditions if I choose to rebel. She pays for my phone, the electricity and everything. I could easily get that all that taken away.

Edited June 2, 2019 by Pepsi Man

[BaileyB]

Honestly Pepsiman, I wouldn’t let it worry you too much. Online relationships may be a nice way to connect with other people, but until and unless you meet in real life they are usually little more than fantasy. Intimate relationships develop in real life, and you are just not ready to develop a serious relationship if you are living at home where your mother makes decisions for you...

Edited June 3, 2019 by BaileyB

[pepperbird]

op,

I have two kids on the spectrum ( and I am as well) . My oldest is an adult, and autistic or not, she makes her own decisions about her life.

 

What your mother is doing is abusive. She has NO right to dictate whether or not you seek therapy, and if she holds it over your head that she may take away your creature comforts, then she is controlling and manipulative.

 

Given this information, I would put my online relationship issues on the back burner and work on getting out from under your mother's thumb. There are social service agencies that can help you.

[heartwhole2]

A mother's job is to make her children feel secure in their early years and to give them the tools to be functioning, independent adults later on. If your mother is keeping you from independence, she is not doing her job. This is your only life to live.

 

What would she do if you suggested going on job interviews?

 

Please check out Autism Speaks for help and resources.

 

There's a free app called Youper that provides automated counseling of a sort. You might try that while you're figuring out the other stuff.

[pepperbird]

OP,

 

 

There may be adult protective services in your community. I would reach out to them. They can offer a lot of support and guidance.

[d0nnivain]

Yes, my current and my ex I have never met in real life.

 

PepsiMan

 

Have you ever had a relationship in real life, with a local person, not on the computer? Once you have one of those where you can see the person, talk face to face, hold hands, kiss & perhaps progress to something more, I suspect your "cheating" will diminish.

 

As for your mom & therapy, do not do anything to disrupt your ability to collect Social Security benefits. You need those for the health care.

 

Do try telling your mom that you have an issue you would like to discuss with a therapist but it's not something you feel comfortable talking to her about. Remind her that despite your disabilities you are a grown man. Also ask her to help you find a day program where you can spend time with similarly situated people. A group like ARC may also be able to find you a job & put your earnings into a community trust so you don't lose your benefits. There are ways you can become more independent.

 

Best wishes.

[Pepsi Man]

@Pepperbird Thank you for the info but I already talked to her about some things. I don't think I have to go to those extremes as we talked through it a little.

 

@d0nnivain I have had a real life girlfriend before. My brother was filming a short film and she was one of the actresses. He encouraged me to get her number and I did. She was my first kiss and she was my first (almost) everything. I never had a desire to cheat on her, just having her right beside me in bed was enough.

 

We never actually got truly intimate when we were alone since she was afraid to go there. I understood and never pressured her into doing something that she didn't feel comfortable doing. We did everything else just fine. The downside was that it was an open relationship and it was between me and two other guys. I later on got tired of it and told her she needed to make a decision on which guy she wanted to be with.

 

She ended up choosing another guy; which didn't work out and so she went to the other guy and that didn't work out either. My heart was broken during this and that night I got together with my ex from Africa. She tried to get back together with me later on but at that point I had zero attraction for her and had no interest in getting back together with her.

 

I swore I would never go back into an LDR when I was with her. It was amazing; a totally different experience. In fact, I am not sure why I went back to LDR since I knew that it was an inferior experience. I think at the time I wanted a quick fix and wanted her off my mind.

[loversquarrel]

It's really not that difficult to not cheat, nobody's holding a gun to your head so really....knock it off.

[Turning point]

Your online relationships are a form of fantasy. In that respect it's hard to put this in the cheating category. This is an ESACPE from something in your real life.

 

That being said - there is a very real issue with why you have allowed this online role playing to displace intimacy in your life. It may have a lot to do with your living circumstances and a lack of control over your own life. You may even be be self-sabotaging your real life potential.

 

Therapy is a must! You are an adult and responsible for your own self care. What your mother or anyone else thinks about you seeking professional support is completely irrelevant. If you were seriously wounded and bleeding would you not go to the emergency room for stitches?

 

You are wounded enough emotionally to reach out here for ONLINE help but, what you truly need is to seek that help inter-personally in professional real life terms. Get counseling on this - you'll be so much better off and glad you did.

[TheRainbow]

Get into therapy. If I hadn't, I would still continue to be cheating. When I started here back in May 2018, my then ten year marriage was coming to an end. I had cheated on and off our entire relationship and marriage. He too was a great man. I was in huge denial, cold, and didn't think I would stop. Then I got my head out of my ass, and started to really look at myself. I had deep rooted self esteem issues, I let other men emotionally abused me, I in turn emotionally abused my husband. It's a one step forward, and one step back process but I can finally say it's been 13 months since I ended direct contact once and for all with my affair partner, indirectly it's been a month and now I can fully commit to my marriage.