In a rough place - thoughts appreciated

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Keep posting - every perspective is helpful. I had to laugh just a bit because even though there had been no messages, as soon as I asked a necessary travel logistics question he responded and was trying to help resolve the issue. He keeps notifications from our messaging app muted, which means he was logging in and checking on messages from me this morning. Makes me happy and sad.

 

Mmmm, hugs to you!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Also, I'm going out on a limb here to suggest that perhaps there was an authority figure in your youth who repeatedly diminished your voice/needs. It could have been in the form of habitually putting their (or another family member's) needs ahead of yours. It could have been the 'children are meant to be seen, not heard' thing. Maybe your feelings were invalidated regularly. Maybe you were meant to feel less than in some way. No need to respond to this but something to think about. If you can touch on this, you will quickly gain perspective on what attracted you to MM, and why he feels so 'familiar.'

 

In my case, xMM mirrored my narcissistic mother. We subconsciously replay patterns from our youth in our adult relationships in an attempt to heal them. Our most significant relationships unearth our most significant issues.

[finna]

It’s worth thinking about... so far nothing really comes to mind as I had a good family experience with lots of opportunities for activities and such as a kid- my parents were always very involved and supportive. Not that everything was perfect but no real issues or complaints. I think my attraction to my MM has more to do with what was missing in my marriage. My ex didn’t like to travel and was incapable or unwilling of planning anything for us - he was/is a good guy and a great dad but I just didn’t feel taken care of.

 

In contrast MM loves to travel and adventure, and even when we were “just friends” he would ask me what I would like to do on a weekend during a business trip. I would say something like “go to the beach” and he would do the research and arrange the logistics to make it happen. He makes me feel so taken care of in ways that are important to me. I was used to having to do all of that kind of planning for years and it has been so nice to enjoy that care.

 

 

Also, I'm going out on a limb here to suggest that perhaps there was an authority figure in your youth who repeatedly diminished your voice/needs. It could have been in the form of habitually putting their (or another family member's) needs ahead of yours. It could have been the 'children are meant to be seen, not heard' thing. Maybe your feelings were invalidated regularly. Maybe you were meant to feel less than in some way. No need to respond to this but something to think about. If you can touch on this, you will quickly gain perspective on what attracted you to MM, and why he feels so 'familiar.'

 

In my case, xMM mirrored my narcissistic mother. We subconsciously replay patterns from our youth in our adult relationships in an attempt to heal them. Our most significant relationships unearth our most significant issues.

[Amethyst68]

Such a great man doing all this for you, if he had all this free time at weekends he should have been returning home to make memories with his son! If he already works 16 hr days and then goes on all these business trips with extra days added for more sex with you, he sounds like the worst kind of husband and father there is....

[finna]

Many times our trips take us halfway around the globe from home, so logistically it is not feasible to go home on a weekend... and as I said- much of this care was happening long before we ever “hooked up”. He is a kind and generous person by nature. When he is home he dedicates his weekends to time with his son, which I have always encouraged him to do. Despite his long days he also cooks, cleans, takes his son to school, eats dinner with him, and is there for stories / bedtime routine. It’s one of the things that I love about him - that he is a great dad.

 

Such a great man doing all this for you, if he had all this free time at weekends he should have been returning home to make memories with his son! If he already works 16 hr days and then goes on all these business trips with extra days added for more sex with you, he sounds like the worst kind of husband and father there is....

[Amethyst68]

Your stories don't add up, he either works 16 hr days to avoid his wife or he's father of the year, he can't do both! It's not logistically possible unless his son eats dinner at midnight and goes to bed even later! I expect his wife has been acting as a single parent for years. I would be angry too if my OH was never at home.

 

Listen any man who cheats is not a great father just like any woman who cheats is not a great mother. While he's texting with you it's taking time away from his family.

 

BTW if you're going to be able to afford to operate a 2 household family 5000 miles apart with trips enough so that each child can see their parent, not to mention his wife can and has visited the past then this man can either hop on a plane or bring family out. The fact is he's enjoying playing the single life too much!

[finna]

He works from home when he is not traveling so is able to structure his day to make time for his son. The second half of his workday often starts once his kiddo is in bed. He brings his family with him when he can - it is not always logistically feasible due to her school and other commitments.

 

And yes- some of the work and travel he does is an escape or avoidance mechanism, plus he really loves his job and loves to travel. He is always fighting the balance and overcompensates when he is home. His wife doesn’t love the situation and gives him hell about it often, so then he feels guilty and overcompensates more, then feels miserable and wants to avoid... it is part of their codependent relationship.

 

I’m not defending his choices and actions but I will stand up for the love and care he gives to his son. I don’t think he sees that two unhappy parents do not make for a happy kid but part of his guilt and reason for staying is because his son likes it when he gets to spend time with mom and dad together - as most kids do - and he wants to make his son happy.

 

Your stories don't add up, he either works 16 hr days to avoid his wife or he's father of the year, he can't do both! It's not logistically possible unless his son eats dinner at midnight and goes to bed even later! I expect his wife has been acting as a single parent for years. I would be angry too if my OH was never at home.

 

Listen any man who cheats is not a great father just like any woman who cheats is not a great mother. While he's texting with you it's taking time away from his family.

 

BTW if you're going to be able to afford to operate a 2 household family 5000 miles apart with trips enough so that each child can see their parent, not to mention his wife can and has visited the past then this man can either hop on a plane or bring family out. The fact is he's enjoying playing the single life too much!

[DKT3]

I'm not sure what you're looking for, but I dont think any of us here can help. And yes, you are defending his actions, you are also ignoring the red flags. Its oh so very clear to everyone who has responded to this thread that you are in a no win situation and willing to accept any crumbs he gives you. So why complain? What's the confusion? No he will not leave his wife, doesn't matter if its because of his son (doubtful) or because he still wants to be married to his wife (more likely) so by default you are a hookup. You're clearly ok with that so what's the point of this thread?

[pepperbird]

When ever I read an ow's words about how the man's wife is "unstable", it always makes me wonder how she got that way. Is it internal or due to the weight of her husband; behvaior.

 

 

It also makes me laugh to myself because the concept, quite frankly, make no sense. A guy has an unstable wife, yet he will go and act in a way that could cause even most level headed women to break down.

 

 

But of course to some, it will always be the wife's fault when her husband cheats.

[pepperbird]

I

This is the first time that either of us have engaged in an affair- and I can say this with confidence because I have several friends that have known him longer than he has been married, have traveled and spent considerable time with him, etc, and according to everyone until me he has been married to his job more than anything; working 16+ hour days to escape everything else going on.

 

.

 

 

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Yeah right.

 

My brother is like him. Works 16 hour days and if you asked his friends, they would tell you he was faithful to his wife. The truth? He was sleeping around.

[elaine567]

...part of his guilt and reason for staying is because

his son likes it when he gets to spend time with mom and dad together - as most kids do

- and he wants to make his son happy.

 

...and where exactly do you fit in here?

[finna]

I am trying to process and work through my situation.

Hearing feedback and perspectives from people who are familiar with these type of challenges is a part of my support system that I am trying to establish.

 

You are correct - he is not going to leave “for me” and I wouldn’t want him to and have told him so from the beginning. If it is for his own happiness that’s a different story. As of three weeks ago he was going down that path and has now changed direction. For better or worse, he and I had made many future plans that now have to be dealt with or unraveled- I am doing my best to work through the logistics and emotions and hearing from others is helpful.

 

I'm not sure what you're looking for, but I dont think any of us here can help. And yes, you are defending his actions, you are also ignoring the red flags. Its oh so very clear to everyone who has responded to this thread that you are in a no win situation and willing to accept any crumbs he gives you. So why complain? What's the confusion? No he will not leave his wife, doesn't matter if its because of his son (doubtful) or because he still wants to be married to his wife (more likely) so by default you are a hookup. You're clearly ok with that so what's the point of this thread?

[finna]

...and where exactly do you fit in here?

 

Well, up until three weeks ago we had many plans in place for he and I to do activities with our sons together... a whole bucket list of big and small things to do with the kids.

 

My ex and I still do many things with our son as a family unit + my ex and his gf do stuff with her kids / our son together. The plan was that his son would also get specific family time with mom and dad, as well as dedicated time with dad.

[finna]

Neither he nor I disparage his wife and I know that he contributes to the issues - they are toxic towards each other and have been for a very long time and mc and ic has had limited success. It is not my story to tell but suffice to say she has a lifelong history of serious issues that are not her fault but do contribute towards the toxic behavior. I am not excusing any of his behavior either... just framing the situation as sometimes very miserable for both of them.

 

 

 

When ever I read an ow's words about how the man's wife is "unstable", it always makes me wonder how she got that way. Is it internal or due to the weight of her husband; behvaior.

 

 

It also makes me laugh to myself because the concept, quite frankly, make no sense. A guy has an unstable wife, yet he will go and act in a way that could cause even most level headed women to break down.

 

 

But of course to some, it will always be the wife's fault when her husband cheats.

[pepperbird]

Many times our trips take us halfway around the globe from home, so logistically it is not feasible to go home on a weekend... and as I said- much of this care was happening long before we ever “hooked up”. He is a kind and generous person by nature. When he is home he dedicates his weekends to time with his son, which I have always encouraged him to do. Despite his long days he also cooks, cleans, takes his son to school, eats dinner with him, and is there for stories / bedtime routine. It’s one of the things that I love about him - that he is a great dad.

 

 

 

 

Like I said before, he sounds just like my brother.

 

 

He travels the world for work and is currently pulling in a seven figure salary plus he owns a consulting company and several other businesses.

 

He is also living with a lot of regret. Like your mm, he really believed that if he just stuffed his time with his kids with lots of "parenting", all would be good.

 

It wasn't, and he's seeing that now. His kids are adults and are not close with their dad at all, because he wasn't there for them. They see it as a situation where his needs were always put first, and you know what?

 

They're right. From what you say, this man is away from home far more than he's at home, and this is by his choice. His desire to travel and have his freedom trump his son, and I'm sorry, but a a few days of "parenting" don;t make up for the longs stretches when he's away.

 

I've also been the person at home while her spouse was away for months or even whole years at a time. Even though it as part of his job, our kids missed out on so much. So did he. He's regretting that now.

 

Btw, if his wife is as unstable and manipulative as you would like us ( and yourself too) to believe, then why, why, WHY is he away from home so much? Seems to me that something stinks about this situation and you are either seeing what you want to see or he's lying to you.

 

I also see a woman who is putting up with some pretty shabby treatment, (you) and I have to wonder if she would ever put up with this sort of nonsense if the guy was single. His being married is no excuse for treating you with disrespect, and it's no excise for you putting up with it.

[Amethyst68]

"He brings his family with him when he can". Really? So how many times has he done this since your affair began? Without his wife 'forcing' him to?

 

No matter how you try to work any mental gymnastics, 16hr work days do not allow for quality involvement in family life. I have every respect for people who work those hours to ensure their family's survival and none for those who do it to avoid their family and their problems.

 

You have no idea of what goes on within his family and home, only what he has told you to support your ongoing affair. I don't know what you want to hear, I think your happy to stay the OW. You obviously don't care about breaking up a family, don't seem to have any guilt or feel the slightest bit anxious about seeing your AP's wife and son, maybe even socialising with them.

[finna]

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Yeah right.

 

My brother is like him. Works 16 hour days and if you asked his friends, they would tell you he was faithful to his wife. The truth? He was sleeping around.

 

You can project your knowledge of other people’s behavior on this situation as much as you like; however, a few facts. Most of MM’s very long days happen while working from home- so while that makes him a workaholic or possibly married to his job, it does not make him a serial cheater. Also on the many trips I took with him before we got involved I witnessed the same sort of thing - work all day onsite and come back to the hotel and work another six hours in the business lounge. Healthy behavior? Absolutely not, but not cheating either. The other fun fact? We work in a very male-dominated industry, so before me he was never traveling with any women. Yes I understand there is still the potential for ONS, but given MM’s habits it’s rather unlikely.

[Amethyst68]

Just wanted to say I agree with the previous poster. If the wife has serious mental health issues then why is he leaving their child so often?

[finna]

I am extremely anxious about being around his family. I imagine it will be extremely difficult. He has brought them twice during our time together - both times were planned and tickets bought, etc, long before we got involved.

 

I also have major concerns about “breaking up a family” and as I have stated do not want him to leave “for me”. However, having been in a toxic marriage myself, I know things can actually get much better for everyone - including the kids - if a divorce is handled correctly... my ex and I are better friends and Co parents now then we were for most of our marriage.

 

 

 

"He brings his family with him when he can". Really? So how many times has he done this since your affair began? Without his wife 'forcing' him to?

 

No matter how you try to work any mental gymnastics, 16hr work days do not allow for quality involvement in family life. I have every respect for people who work those hours to ensure their family's survival and none for those who do it to avoid their family and their problems.

 

You have no idea of what goes on within his family and home, only what he has told you to support your ongoing affair. I don't know what you want to hear, I think your happy to stay the OW. You obviously don't care about breaking up a family, don't seem to have any guilt or feel the slightest bit anxious about seeing your AP's wife and son, maybe even socialising with them.

[pepperbird]

Neither he nor I disparage his wife and I know that he contributes to the issues - they are toxic towards each other and have been for a very long time and mc and ic has had limited success. It is not my story to tell but suffice to say she has a lifelong history of serious issues that are not her fault but do contribute towards the toxic behavior. I am not excusing any of his behavior either... just framing the situation as sometimes very miserable for both of them.

 

 

You don't disparage his wife?

 

What do you think you've been doing here? You've painted her as this unstable, manipulative person.

 

 

 

She's so awful, yet he chooses to travel the world for work, have an ow on the side all while leaving his son in the care of this unstable woman?

 

 

How does that even make any sense to you?

 

 

 

He's out planning trips to the beach with you, etc.while his wife stays at home doing all the grunt work. Of course, he could find a job that left him on the same continent as his child, and that doesn't mean he has to continue his marriage...yet he still chooses to be away from his home and child because that's not his priority.

 

Reverse the situation. If you thought for one minute that your ex was unstable, would you feel comfortable traveling the world and being away from you children, leaving them in her care while you're away?

[pepperbird]

Just wanted to say I agree with the previous poster. If the wife has serious mental health issues then why is he leaving their child so often?

 

 

It's either one of three things:

 

 

(a) the mm is full of it

 

 

(b) he's so selfish that his desire to travel for work, have an affair and enjoy all that freedom trumps his child. If he can't even put his own flesh and blood child first, what chance does an ow or even his spouse even have?

 

 

© the mm is full of it

[finna]

Just wanted to say I agree with the previous poster. If the wife has serious mental health issues then why is he leaving their child so often?

 

The child attends school during the day and local grandparents provide a lot of support when needed. She is a good mom to their kiddo - that isn’t in question.

[BaileyB]

I am extremely anxious about being around his family. I imagine it will be extremely difficult. He has brought them twice during our time together - both times were planned and tickets bought, etc, long before we got involved.

 

I also have major concerns about “breaking up a family” and as I have stated do not want him to leave “for me”.

 

I can’t imagine being around this man and his family in the event that this affair ends. If you are able to continue working with this man, you are a stronger person than me...

 

As to your major concerns about breaking up the family, that is exactly what you are hoping and praying will happen. Sure, you can package it nicely by saying that they are incompatible, his wife is a manipulative woman, he will make the decision for himself, etc... Those are the “mental gymnastics” that OW engage in to make this situation more acceptable to all (including themselves). It doesn’t change the fact that you will welcome him into your bed the night he leaves his wife and happily go about putting the plans you have made together into place.

 

Say what you will, I’m sure she is far from perfect but I have much respect for the woman who manages his home and raises his child while her husband travels the world and works 18 hours a day. That must be a lonely thing for her, and I don’t know that she deserves to have her husband playing house with another woman while he is away on business...

[finna]

She is a good mother - that is not in question. Yes, I’ve given details about behavior that I have witnessed that illustrates the toxic nature of the relationship between her and MM- she is manipulative and creates a crisis every time she wants attention. He enables the behavior and thus reinforces- it’s not healthy by or for either of them.

 

Yes- he loves his job and prioritizes it for various reasons... when he is traveling he drops everything to make sure he video chats with his son for a pre-arranged time twice a day, and when he is home he spends several hours a day with him as well as full weekends. His son adores him.

 

Cheating he is guilty of - being a neglectful parent he is not.

 

 

 

He's out planning trips to the beach with you, etc.while his wife stays at home doing all the grunt work. Of course, he could find a job that left him on the same continent as his child, and that doesn't mean he has to continue his marriage...yet he still chooses to be away from his home and child because that's not his priority.

 

Reverse the situation. If you thought for one minute that your ex was unstable, would you feel comfortable traveling the world and being away from you children, leaving them in her care while you're away?

Edited June 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[BaileyB]

The child attends school during the day and local grandparents provide a lot of support when needed. She is a good mom to their kiddo - that isn’t in question.

 

She is just manipulative toward your MM. but again, maybe she has good reason to be... perhaps, she is aware of other women that you are not. Perhaps, she wants her husband home more to spend time with her and raise their son. How is it possible that you can have a strong relationship and not go a little bit crazy if your husband travels/works as much as he does... You just don’t know, because you are not in her shoes. Does she work? Maybe she wanted to pursue her career and has turned down opportunities for herself because someone needs to be home with their son. Perhaps, she has some resentment? You just don’t know...

 

Perhaps, you get with this man and you see what has been so difficult for her to deal with - this man is a distant, workaholic partner who is conflict avoidant, doesn’t communicate well, and avoids dealing with the issues in the marriage? You just don’t know...