In a rough place - thoughts appreciated

[finna]

I hope you don't wait around for him.

Why do you need him in your life anyway?

 

We have a lot of fun together. We take care of each other when we are together and support each other when we are apart. The time I spend with him is very joyful and I feel like I can be completely myself. He teaches me a lot about things I’ve not yet learned and makes me smile and laugh myself silly.

[Aloha123]

OMG nothing makes my eyes glaze over faster than when a thread starts to focus on the details of the MM, his life, his wife, etc.

Who the f cares??

I get that talking about him to a certain degree is aimed at snapping the OP out of her denial, but since every OW's FAVORITE topic is the MM and his life and their relationship, it always feels slightly enabling to me.

I mean, I would love for nothing more than to dissect my MM's marriage, his motivations, what he does everyday, the ways in which I am convinced that he actually cares about me, but does any of that really matter. The bottom line is that every day over the past two years he chose her over me. Period. Case closed. The end.

[S2B]

So he intends to stay married and wants to NOT feel guilty in his marriage.

 

So really - the ONLY way to do that is to no longer have an affair with himright?

 

Can you respect his wishes?

[finna]

No, you are definitely not there yet.

 

Let me ask you this - if your husband wanted to be “friends” with his former affair partner, what would you think of that plan?

 

My ex can do whatever he likes. He is friends with lots of people - male and female. Hypothetically- if I was married and didn’t know someone was an AP, I wouldn’t think to have any issues with that person.

[finna]

OMG nothing makes my eyes glaze over faster than when a thread starts to focus on the details of the MM, his life, his wife, etc.

Who the f cares??

I get that talking about him to a certain degree is aimed at snapping the OP out of her denial, but since every OW's FAVORITE topic is the MM and his life and their relationship, it always feels slightly enabling to me.

I mean, I would love for nothing more than to dissect my MM's marriage, his motivations, what he does everyday, the ways in which I am convinced that he actually cares about me, but does any of that really matter. The bottom line is that every day over the past two years he chose her over me. Period. Case closed. The end.

 

I was a little surprised people cared so much about the details. I do appreciate all the perspectives though - it is helpful in processing in this early phase.

[S2B]

We have a lot of fun together. We take care of each other when we are together and support each other when we are apart. The time I spend with him is very joyful and I feel like I can be completely myself. He teaches me a lot about things I’ve not yet learned and makes me smile and laugh myself silly.

 

 

I wonder how you would have felt about someone - an OW henching in on your marriage/husband this way while you thought you were connected to him while married?

 

You two are pulling a fast one on his wife. That’s very unkind.

[finna]

So he intends to stay married and wants to NOT feel guilty in his marriage.

 

So really - the ONLY way to do that is to no longer have an affair with himright?

 

Can you respect his wishes?

 

He has flip flopped and been inconsistent in his wishes many times in the last few weeks. When we have a chance to talk in person later this week and I find out where his head is at - yes I will support him with where he wants to be, and also talk with him about my boundaries.

[Aloha123]

I was a little surprised people cared so much about the details. I do appreciate all the perspectives though - it is helpful in processing in this early phase.

 

 

Yeah it's helpful at first, to shake yourself out of denial. But I notice that if anything this feedback just makes the OP/OW start to stick up for him and the situation. Which is the last thing you should be doing.

[finna]

I wonder how you would have felt about someone - an OW henching in on your marriage/husband this way while you thought you were connected to him while married?

 

You two are pulling a fast one on his wife. That’s very unkind.

 

Yes - I would rather her know and make her own decisions on the situation. There is no going back to pre-affair land at this point. But MM is unlikely to tell her and I don’t feel it’s my place to do so.

[Starswillshine]

Phew, this was a long read.

 

Many posters have already discussed some of the gentle things I would have brought up, so I apologize if this posts comes off strictly harsh.

 

If you guys were to end up in a legitimate relationship, which one of you amazing parents will rip your kid away from a parent? Just curious. Because you live 5000 miles apart.

 

My xWH conducted his affairs this way. He traveled a lot. So he had LD OWs. He couldnt handle being alone. How weak and pathetic is that?

 

His main OW knew about me. Though, he never gave her false hope that they would be together, he did give her false hope of always being the OW (she wanted that). And I guess possible had I not found out. I fount out, I divorced him. He HATES OW.

 

But back to the parenting thing. My xWH makes everyone believe he is the greatest dad in the world. And like he is so awesome helping me (and he has done a lot of house projects for me). But... he moved an hour away when I kicked him out. A good parent would have stayed closer to be there for his young children who are dealing with a new reality. I have NEVER stopped him from seeing the kids. In fact, I encourage it. He never asked for more than every other weekend. I put in the papers that he could have them for dinner one night a week. You know what? When he has them, he is so awesome and hands on. And when he doesnt, they do not exist to him. He never takes them out for that dinner. He never calls them. He goes 12 days straight without any word from them. But everyone would believe he is the father of the year.

 

If your MM would be willing to move away from his child, I would definitely say he is NOT a good father. Even though my XWH has not been a great father, I would never move them away from him. I was upset for my kids when he moved an hour away. I dont have to have permission from him to move out of state, but in would not. So much so... that my BF got a promotion that would move him 16 hours away. Without calling me about it, he turned it down. I remember him calling me and telling me about the offer. It was 6 figures more money. And I remember being so happy for him but sick knowing what it meant for our relationship. He just said, "Babe, I appreciate your happiness for me, but I turned it down. Because I cant lose you and I know you would not move the kids way from <xH>, and I would never be involved with a woman who would." And yes, I would never. I fully plan that one day my BF and I will get married. But had he moved, we would be over.

[PhoenixRising8]

He has flip flopped and been inconsistent in his wishes many times in the last few weeks. When we have a chance to talk in person later this week and I find out where his head is at - yes I will support him with where he wants to be, and also talk with him about my boundaries.

 

Trust me, he will change his tune many times, until you make a final decision. Once they establish a pattern of flip flopping, they rarely stop.

[Turning point]

Yes - I would rather her know and make her own decisions on the situation. There is no going back to pre-affair land at this point. But MM is unlikely to tell her and I don’t feel it’s my place to do so.

 

You also need to realize that you've drawn a false contingency between his marriage and your future.

 

This affair has continued long enough that it will eventually end his marriage, whether he wants that or not. The end of his marriage however, is also more likely to end his association with you than to send him running into your arms.

 

Your premise is that his marriage was bad and therefore the two of you "fell in love" (struck up an affair.) The more likely truth is that he has affairs and that is why his marriage is bad.

 

It's comical to watch, but my ex learned the hard way. She found out she wasn't the only OW to her MM. Apparently, true love also comes in a six pack. MM learned she also wasn't a one trick pony herself - and each of them condemned the other for their treachery.

Edited June 3, 2019 by Turning point

[Turning point]

Once they establish a pattern of flip flopping, they rarely stop.

 

It's not a flip-flop. It's day and night. Like the old stockade forts on the frontier:

 

You open the stockade gates during the day, allowing the traders in to share their goods. Then you close them at night to keep out the riff-raff and undesirables.

 

By day he trades on his mistress, and at night he shutters the fort against all invaders. There's no flip or flop - just a very well timed security plan.

[finna]

Thanks for all the comments. With regard to logistics we would establish two home bases as we already spend significant time in each other’s cities. Honestly we would see our kids just as much if not more than we do now with travel, which for me is having my son 50%. The kids would spend time in both places as makes sense with school, etc. and they both love to travel. That is one part that worries me the least.

 

One of the primary reasons I have emphasized that if MM leaves he must do it for him and not for me is the resentment piece. I know that can be a very real thing.

 

 

If you guys were to end up in a legitimate relationship, which one of you amazing parents will rip your kid away from a parent? Just curious. Because you live 5000 miles apart.

 

My xWH conducted his affairs this way. He traveled a lot. So he had LD OWs. He couldnt handle being alone. How weak and pathetic is that?

Edited June 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HadMeOverABarrel]

He HATES OW.

 

I fully plan that one day my BF and I will get married. But had he moved, we would be over.

 

Does your xWH hate his fOW bc he blames her for the breakup of your marriage? That's what I'd expect for par. Just curious.

 

Congrats on the awesome boyfriend! Nice to see an example of how better partners are out there for BS & OW who have the courage to let go of WS/MM.

[Aloha123]

You also need to realize that you've drawn a false contingency between his marriage and your future.

 

This affair has continued long enough that it will eventually end his marriage, whether he wants that or not. The end of his marriage however, is also more likely to end his association with you than to send him running into your arms.

 

.

 

This is such an important point. It's something I learned on this forum, that in those rare instances that a MM does leave his wife, he more likely than not ends up with a 3rd woman rather than the OW.

[finna]

I suppose if he is unable to continue to compartmentalize it may be the end. On the other hand, it could take years to get there- I’m not placing any bets on whether it ends or not at this point- obviously three weeks ago I would have said something entirely different but many posters here seem to think he may just go back to her and they will make a go of it.

 

I know I haven’t had any other affairs and I believe him when he says he hasn’t. There are many reasons for my belief that I don’t feel comfortable sharing here - I know you will judge that as naive- so be it. I think there are plenty of other behavioral issues that led to the affair without having to have prior cheating on his part in the mix.

 

 

You also need to realize that you've drawn a false contingency between his marriage and your future.

 

This affair has continued long enough that it will eventually end his marriage, whether he wants that or not. The end of his marriage however, is also more likely to end his association with you than to send him running into your arms.

 

Your premise is that his marriage was bad and therefore the two of you "fell in love" (struck up an affair.) The more likely truth is that he has affairs and that is why his marriage is bad.

 

It's comical to watch, but my ex learned the hard way. She found out she wasn't the only OW to her MM. Apparently, true love also comes in a six pack. MM learned she also wasn't a one trick pony herself - and each of them condemned the other for their treachery.

[Amethyst68]

Thanks for all the comments. With regard to logistics we would establish two home bases as we already spend significant time in each other’s cities. Honestly we would see our kids just as much if not more than we do now with travel, which for me is having my son 50%. The kids would spend time in both places as makes sense with school, etc. and they both love to travel. That is one part that worries me the least.

 

One of the primary reasons I have emphasized that if MM leaves he must do it for him and not for me is the resentment piece. I know that can be a very real thing.

 

So it sounds like you've discussed and planned stopping the travel if he leaves his wife. Do he'll do it for you but not his family?

 

How do you plan to speak to him this week, I thought his family was joining him to celebrate their wedding anniversary?

[finna]

This is such an important point. It's something I learned on this forum, that in those rare instances that a MM does leave his wife, he more likely than not ends up with a 3rd woman rather than the OW.

 

Yes - this is undoubtedly a possibility any time there is this kind of upheaval in relationships... I don’t have a crystal ball on that one other than to say the way he talks today leaves the door open for the two of us in the future (of course - I get it).

[finna]

So it sounds like you've discussed and planned stopping the travel if he leaves his wife. Do he'll do it for you but not his family?

 

How do you plan to speak to him this week, I thought his family was joining him to celebrate their wedding anniversary?

 

We are in his city working this week so he is at home but will take me to and from the office, etc. This weekend he and I drive to our next destination and they join in the middle of the week.

[Starswillshine]

Does your xWH hate his fOW bc he blames her for the breakup of your marriage? That's what I'd expect for par. Just curious.

 

Congrats on the awesome boyfriend! Nice to see an example of how better partners are out there for BS & OW who have the courage to let go of WS/MM.

 

He hates her because she couldnt sit in her corner and be a good little "OW". She is the reason I found out the truth. I found out about her, I wasnt aware of the details. You know the typical "it was just some sexting, we only saw each other once." She eventually told me the truth. He said she was lying. He stayed in contact with her and further played into her emotions. He says to keep her happy so she wouldnt give me more info. Who knows the real truth (I think more because he wanted his cake and to eat it too). So when i found out the real truth, he had no use to keep her happy any more and dumped her. And HATES her.

 

Though, who knows now. He has another girlfriend. Aka victim. Her husband left her for his OW. Warning her will only look horrible on me, so I just watch with a sickness that another woman will fall victim to his selfishness.

 

And thanks, though I was devastated. I loved my husband with everything I could ever had, after 20 years.... I realize now how I was never able to be myself with him. I always felt like I had to please him and be who he wanted me to be. One thing I realized... many cheaters are like this. Once the BS has the strength to leave, they are sorta bummed it didnt happen sooner. Sad reality. I gave and gave to that man. Oh well, I have an amazing one now.

[Amethyst68]

I also meant to say don't be so sure his son could spend time at your location. Your MM would need his wife's permission to take him out the country. I still don't see how the logistics would work, your children are in school, different term times, holidays etc to coordinate.

[S2B]

I wonder how you would have felt about someone - an OW henching in on your marriage/husband this way while you thought you were connected to him while married?

 

You two are pulling a fast one on his wife. That’s very unkind.

 

Yes - I would rather her know and make her own decisions on the situation. There is no going back to pre-affair land at this point. But MM is unlikely to tell her and I don’t feel it’s my place to do so.

 

This is so interesting... because I asked YOU how you would feel and you made it all about your MM and his wife.

 

Do you see you’re handing him all your power?

 

Why can’t YOU decide what’s best for YOURSELF?

 

Why does it look likeEVERYTHING is going to be determined by your MM?

 

It looks weak on your part. Never ever put yourself at the mercy of ANY man! Especially one that’s married and committed to his wife!

[S2B]

We are in his city working this week so he is at home but will take me to and from the office, etc. This weekend he and I drive to our next destination and they join in the middle of the week.

 

Stop driving with him. Take charge of yourself!

 

Car time gives him the opportunities he wants to manipulate you!

[finna]

I also meant to say don't be so sure his son could spend time at your location. Your MM would need his wife's permission to take him out the country. I still don't see how the logistics would work, your children are in school, different term times, holidays etc to coordinate.

 

My son has the option to do online schooling and my ex is fine with me taking him out of the country for periods of time. It could be that we would spend more time with the kids at that home base... logistics are one of my specialities - just takes a little creativity and resources to figure out sometimes.