In a rough place - thoughts appreciated

[heartwhole2]

I want it resolved long before two years of course... six months is how long I will for sure keep having interaction with MM through my job and likely traveling together, so it will likely be very difficult to completely extricate before that.

 

In the next six months will you be planning travel for 2020 and potentially depriving yourself of the closure you'll need if you choose to end things?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I want it resolved long before two years of course... six months is how long I will for sure keep having interaction with MM through my job and likely traveling together, so it will likely be very difficult to completely extricate before that.

 

Asaysno, I get that it's very difficult when you are relying on external factors to fix this such as job and travel schedules (and MM for that matter), but if you could muster the internal strength, the external factors won't matter. Encouraging you to focus internally is a common theme from posters on your thread. You have much more influence in this situation than you realize. It starts with you, and accepting the truth of what is. Forget what was or what could be.

 

I have no idea how you have received what I've posted on your thread, but I DO KNOW what you are going through. I remember (even telling this to my counselor) in my earliest days of no contact that the only thing that kept me from communicating with xMM was to constantly tell myself doing so would be like placing my hand on a scalding hot stove. It was very, very difficult. I was completely disabled for days and weeks from doing anything but lying in bed heartbroken. I would forget to do urgent things that needed to be done the following day.

 

I assure you that it will only become more difficult as time goes on. Start now. You really do need professional counseling to support your first steps. You are not only delaying the inevitable, but compounding the pain and difficulty you will face to break free the longer you delay.

 

Take charge of your life, your future, and your destiny by taking a stand for your needs and values. You need someone who prioritizes you and loves you all day, every day. That is impossible to achieve with any man who is unavailable in any way, married or otherwise. Do it today!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I just want to add...

 

See Asaysno, here is where you are getting tripped up:

 

You are focusing on external factors which are outside of your control. The more you place your focus there, the more helpless and powerless you feel. That powerlessness creates anxiety, and can spiral to depression. It's a vicious cycle that leads to self-destruction. Then, sometimes we engage in behaviors that are temporarily self-soothing but inevitably self-harming to alleviate anxiety. These form the basis for addictions. It's just a temporary fix though. (When you hear from MM, anxiety relieved. Don't hear, anxiety increases. Hence, intermittent reinforcement like a slot machine.)

 

It's common to focus on external factors when we are running from something inside ourselves or from our own problems. When we focus on others, it's easy to ignore our own problems. This is quite a co-dependent pattern. Sometimes we look to others to give us what we should be giving ourselves. When they don't meet our expectations, it's easy to become disappointed.

 

Codependents like to exert control over others sometimes, too, out of fear their (codependents) needs will go unmet. When we focus on others more than ourselves, we place our locus of control on external factors that are beyond our control. Can you see how that leads to all sorts of negative emotions and behaviors?

 

Bring your focus to what you can control, which is only you. That means you'll have to face whatever within you that you are trying to avoid. That will be the only thing that will bring you peace and salvation. It's not so easy, but it is doable if you get good help. You need to placeyour locus of control on yourself instead of outside yourself.

Edited June 23, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel

[finna]

I really appreciate the encouragement because the place I’m at now really sucks. In some ways I want to see if anything changes when MM and I spend ~4 weeks together in July/August; in other ways I would like the pain to just be gone.

 

Not sure I’m strong enough yet to say no to what could be a really fun and joyful few weeks...

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Take a good, hard look at the price you are paying for 'a really fun and joyful few weeks.' Is it really worth it? Do you really believe that you can not/will not find that fun and joy someplace else?

 

Hey, I remember in my early days my counselor telling me that to me xMM was like the sun, and that I had to believe I would find that somewhere else. She was right! It is so not worth it, Asaysno. The strength will not come to you all at once. Rather it comes in steps...one little step at a time. First you decide. Then you resolve no contact. Then you resolve no social media stalking. Then you resolve to block, etc.

Edited June 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[finna]

In the next six months will you be planning travel for 2020 and potentially depriving yourself of the closure you'll need if you choose to end things?

 

It’s possible but unlikely we will have the same levels of travel together in 2020.

--------------

 

I know I won’t find that joy between now and then, and will have an excruciating time if I know I have the opportunity to spend time with him but don’t take it. I’m just not sure I’m ready to deal with such high levels of pain just yet.

Edited June 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I guess I'm on my soapbox. here's more:

 

Do you like bananas, Asaysno? If not, just pick your favorite snack for this analogy.

 

Imagine two stores side by side each selling the exact same bananas. The stores are equivalent in all ways, cleanliness, convenience, service, etc. EXCEPT store #1 is selling its bananas for $1,000 each while store #2 is selling theirs for $1 each. Which do you choose?

 

Why would you pay more (MM) for something you could get for less (an available man)? Might seem like a silly analogy, but its simplicity proves the point of what you're doing. Giving up more of yourself for something does not make it better than its alternative.

[Amethyst68]

Does the travel actually matter since you said he visits your city for business?

 

How does you travelling for 4wks work for your custody arrangement? Or will post of that time be based in your home city. Has MM ever met your son?

[BaileyB]

Not sure I’m strong enough yet to say no to what could be a really fun and joyful few weeks...

 

But truly, how fun and joyful is it going to be - knowing that you are a placeholder... at the end of those four weeks, he is going to go home to his wife and family. And you, will be alone again... more despondent every time he leaves because time and again - he chooses another woman.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Yep, this is how all confidence and self-esteem ends up in the toilet.

Edited June 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[finna]

Does the travel actually matter since you said he visits your city for business? How does you travelling for 4wks work for your custody arrangement? Or will post of that time be based in your home city. Has MM ever met your son?

All but several days is when he will be in my city. He has met my son.

Does his wife know he usually travels with you for work?

His wife knows I am one of the people he travels with on some of his trips - which is the truth.

But truly, how fun and joyful is it going to be - knowing that you are a placeholder... at the end of those four weeks, he is going to go home to his wife and family. And you, will be alone again... more despondent every time he leaves because time and again - he chooses another woman.

Yes - the end of that time will be awful... how awful depends on if/when there is more time in the near future after that. This is part of my struggle - does the joy outweigh the awful? Tonight I would say no as I havenÂ’t heard from him in over 24 hours due to his vacation travel resuming. Yesterday when he was giving me a lot of time I would have said yes because we were having a joyful time together and it felt wonderful.

Edited June 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[heartwhole2]

Add to that the cruel lies of false hope . . . "But maybe after four weeks together he'll realize he wants to be with me . . . "

[BaileyB]

Yesterday when he was giving me a lot of time I would have said yes because we were having a joyful time together and it felt wonderful.

 

Well, my partner just left my home after snuggling in bed and watching some tv tonight. We are about to sign a contract to build a home together. We are planning our first real vacation together. We are dreaming and planning our new home and our life together. He teases me about how “awful” it will be to cook dinner together every night. Indeed, it will be “awful” to have to snuggle and sleep together every night... THAT is joyful and wonderful.

 

Don’t confuse intermittent text conversation and a few nice words with love or commitment.

Edited June 24, 2019 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

Yesterday when he was giving me a lot of time I would have said yes because we were having a joyful time together and it felt wonderful.

 

Think of it this way... your presence makes staying in his marriage tolerable. You provide a convenient escape - a joyful and wonderful time together - which allows him to return to his wife after he has had his fill of the love and adoration you offer with a smile on his face.

 

A quote from Winston Churchill - “I no longer listen to what people say. I just watch what they do. Behavior never lies.”

Edited June 24, 2019 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

The window of opportunity (when he was "maybe" going to leave), opened and then closed.

BUT it was a somewhat forced opening instigated by pressure from you.

For him reality struck home pretty rapidly, he rejected the pressure, he quickly pulled back and ended it.

 

Now he is back to business as usual...

Phew!

No harm done.

[finna]

Think of it this way... your presence makes staying in his marriage tolerable. You provide a convenient escape - a joyful and wonderful time together - which allows him to return to his wife after he has had his fill of the love and adoration you offer with a smile on his face.

 

A quote from Winston Churchill - “I no longer listen to what people say. I just watch what they do. Behavior never lies.”

 

Yes- this is one of the things I am trying to feel some emotion about that would drive me to my own decisions. I don’t like that time with me is at his choosing- it’s one of the things that bothers me most. I want to feel angry or upset or otherwise bad enough about it that it helps me to detach. Some days I think I am getting there. Other times not so much.

 

After not hearing from him yesterday he did contact me this morning to say hello and ask how things are going. I was also briefly on a work conference call with him (and others) this afternoon. I definitely miss him and ultimately my biggest challenge is that my heart is still his, even if it’s rather tattered at this point.

[Crazelnut]

As I've said before, it is pointless to try to convince asaysno to detach from MM and leave the affair. She is in luuuuuuve. She will have to hit emotional rock bottom and go through everything we're trying to spare her -- the hurt, the tears, the eventual self-loathing. And she's just getting started, so it's going to take a while. I can see it.

 

asaysno, I'm sorry that you can't see what's ahead for you. Or if you can, that you are willfully ignoring it. Your story is such a cliche, and you can't even see it! I wish you the best as you navigate this, but I'm sad because it's going to be hell. Strap yourself in.

[BaileyB]

After not hearing from him yesterday

 

Yes, two days ago you had contact and it was joyful and wonderful. Yesterday, no contact and it was not so wonderful. Tomorrow, he will contact you again and it will be joyful and wonderful. The day after that, no contact - not feeling so wonderful. There is a pattern here... He is providing intermittent reinforcement to keep you on board...

 

I don’t like that time with me is at his choosing

 

And yet, this is the very nature of the relationship YOU have CHOSEN for yourself. HE holds all the cards. HE makes all the decisions. Your job is to sit by, waiting and ready when he comes your way...

 

If you want more than this, you have a decision to make. Because, this is all he is offering and it’s all you should expect. You are not entitled to more - because you are not his primary partner.

[heartwhole2]

I'm sorry that your heart is in tatters. I'm glad that you are slowly detaching.

 

Try to go back to the beginning of this all and the justifications we have all spent some time examining. Your relationship was a great love affair based on friendship and shared marital misery. You were entitled to a future with him because for three weeks during your six month affair, he said that was the plan. He has a reason to divorce, so therefore cheating is OK. And so on and so forth.

 

In the absence of good reasons, all you have are your feelings. Your feelings are strong. They feel right, sometimes. You have a feeling of overwhelming peace and joy, sometimes. You also have increasing pain, panic, and cognitive dissonance. You want to support a narrative that says that he is just conflicted and taking time to decide (that you are the one), but you haven't found the right evidence yet. Cue more panic.

 

IC will help you with all of this, with finding your moorings and seeing his actions for what they are. You need to build up your resilience so that when things hit the fan, you can face them and soothe yourself and not fall apart.

[finna]

Well, my partner just left my home after snuggling in bed and watching some tv tonight. We are about to sign a contract to build a home together. We are planning our first real vacation together. We are dreaming and planning our new home and our life together. He teases me about how “awful” it will be to cook dinner together every night. Indeed, it will be “awful” to have to snuggle and sleep together every night... THAT is joyful and wonderful.

 

Don’t confuse intermittent text conversation and a few nice words with love or commitment.

 

Yes- it is the kind of activities you describe that keep me coming back to spend more time with MM... we have spent many nights cuddled up together, like to cook for each other, and have planned and enjoyed several vacation trips in the last seven months. These times represent some of my very happiest moments, hours, and days of the last few years.

[finna]

I think it’s sad you wait and notice when he doesn’t contact you - then you think all is great in your world when he texts you or calls.

 

That isn’t taking him any effort!

 

This guy isn’t making effort for you - he’s making minimal effort to make sure you stay as his OW. Waiting and waiting while he’s living two separate lives... using TWO gals to fulfill all his needs.

 

And he knows he shouldn’t - so he tells you a lie (I’m working on my family life at home)! He is NOT working on his family life while he’s having another relationship with you! Soooo, you are HELPING him to steal time and attention away from his family!

 

 

IF you weren’t in the picture he MIGHT have a chance of making his home life better.

 

I don’t think noticing when I am receiving attention is notable - I think that is human nature. If it’s sad that I miss him when I don’t hear from him so be it.

 

I know you view MM as a puppet master for me and BS. I am really questioning his motivations... is he really trying to keep me as OW? Sometimes I think so but a lot of times he seems to be trying to juggle everything and everyone so as not to disappoint anyone. I know you will see that as self serving on his part but to me that’s where I observe him being the most miserable. So why do it?

 

If I wasn’t in the picture a lot of things could happen. He could improve his relationships with BS, etc- they’ve been in counseling for years to try to do so; he could go back to primarily escaping through work and living a lonely existence; he could leave his marriage; he could find another OW - the last two seem highly unlikely given history and circumstances but anything is possible.

[SpiceCat]

Some people don't believe others when they're told not to put their hand into a fire - they have to feel it for themselves.

 

OP I hope you understand that even the harshest posters here are only trying to help. The sooner you leave this situation, the less pain there will be. But I do understand deluding yourself into thinking your situation is special..I didn't do that in my affair but I've done it in other circumstances. If people here get frustrated with you it's only because we wish we could help, and that we could save you from the world of pain you have coming your way.

Edited June 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[finna]

I don’t necessarily think my situation is special, but it is unique for me- I’ve never experienced anything remotely like this. I really appreciate all the insight and support. As far as feeling pain- I’ve felt plenty of that... sometimes in a bittersweet way such as the missing and wanting, and other times just bitter horrible pain. Many days I feel it physically- a broken heart hurts.

 

I felt a lot of pain in my marriage as well, but nothing like this. That was more of a slow buildup where hurtful and disappointing situations built on each other over the years, interspersed with good times. But it has been a long time since I was in a consistently good place. I think that is part of why I have fallen so hard for MM - he has met many of the needs my marriage did not, and the good feelings far surpassed anything I’d ever felt in my marriage... mostly because with him I feel like I can just be myself.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

 

I felt a lot of pain in my marriage as well, but nothing like this. That was more of a slow buildup where hurtful and disappointing situations built on each other over the years, interspersed with good times. But it has been a long time since I was in a consistently good place. I think that is part of why I have fallen so hard for MM - he has met many of the needs my marriage did not, and the good feelings far surpassed anything I’d ever felt in my marriage... mostly because with him I feel like I can just be myself.

 

Bingo! This is why I said I had a theory that xH was boring but MM exciting.

 

Still does not make the situation healthy or good for you. You were in a vulnerable place when this started. That is a common element. Please explore your statement further. It's a good stepping stone to get you to see the whole truth of this situation.

[BaileyB]

Yes- it is the kind of activities you describe that keep me coming back to spend more time with MM... we have spent many nights cuddled up together, like to cook for each other, and have planned and enjoyed several vacation trips in the last seven months. These times represent some of my very happiest moments, hours, and days of the last few years.

 

But, after a few stolen hours he goes home to his wife. He goes on vacation with his wife.

 

That’s the sad reality. You can’t build a life with him, plan vacations with him, have a future with him because he is otherwise committed. And for him to give you the impression, the hope, that you can is just cruel...

Edited June 25, 2019 by BaileyB