In a rough place - thoughts appreciated

[finna]

 

That was the wrong thing to say by the way - you're telling him that you'll wait for him. You are giving him permission to continue to keep you on the hook whether he's free or not.

 

I’m not going to promise to wait around forever or even at all. But the truth at this point is that if he did divorce and want to be with me I would be ecstatic. That may or may not always be the case.

[BaileyB]

With respect, have you never had a breakup before?

 

This pain you are feeling has been felt by every person who has ever broken up or ended a relationship. If others are able to get through it, so will you...

 

It will get better with time.

[BaileyB]

Your boss has sacked you but you hang around anyway on a temporary contract, filling in as required as you love and need that job.

You do not like the new conditions, so you write the boss a letter, telling him that unless he reinstates you to your former position, you will no longer be available...He says OK, fine by him, the new guy starts on Monday...

 

That does kind of put things in perspective. Your boss would think you were nuts, showing up to work every day after you have been sacked...

 

And yet, it seems entirely reasonable for your relationship (it’s not, I’m being sarcastic to prove a point). It’s like, your boss (your MM), is still texting you every day to tell you what a valuable employee you are (I love you so much)... and yet, he won’t hire you back.

[BaileyB]

Fair enough... it is a bit of a conflicting statement though from posters who say he hasn’t chosen either one of us if he is still involved with me.

 

Nobody has said that he hasn’t chosen. He has clearly chosen - he has told you that he has no intention of leaving his marriage. That is a firm decision.

 

People have never said that he hasn’t chosen either of you if he is still involved with you... what people have said is that he WANTS both of you. He has chosen his marriage, he also plans to continue his affair. That’s very, very different.

 

Two very distinct job descriptions, with different duties, and very different benefits. Wife and affair partner.

[BaileyB]

I feel physical pain right now...

 

I’ve been traveling for nearly five weeks, the last two with my son, and normally it is a very joyful experience for me... feeling depressed makes it harder to enjoy all the fun things - although I’ve been out doing them anyway for my kid.

 

For those who think that an affair doesn’t affect your children - think again. It’s a shame, your son isn’t getting the best of his mom because she is heartsick over an unhealthy relationship... a relationship she is CHOOSING. This affair is taking your time and emotional energy away from your son... what a shame. Your son deserves a mother who is present with him, not pining after a man who doesn’t want her... (I’m sorry to be blunt, but it’s sadly true).

[heartwhole2]

I think the problem is that he's sending you mixed signals, so you're having trouble giving up hope. It's like when the guy you're madly in love with you breaks up with you but will still sleep with you sometimes. He doesn't want to be the bad guy and he still feels warmly for you and there you are, excited for any attention he throws your way. And you interpret him not filing a restraining order or blocking your number as evidence that maybe he'll love you and marry you and you'll live happily ever after. But that situation is pretty hopeless, and there's not even a wife involved.

 

Figuring out why he's sending you mixed signals is an exercise in futility. Better to concentrate on what he's offering you. He's offering you a secret affair with no promise of anything except the next travel date you've got booked. Is that what you want? Is that what you need? Is that going to lead to good things for you? Because leaving his wife and being with you are not on offer, and it's causing you physical pain to keep hoping that will change.

[SpiceCat]

I’m not going to promise to wait around forever or even at all. But the truth at this point is that if he did divorce and want to be with me I would be ecstatic. That may or may not always be the case.

 

Your fog is so thick that I can feel it myself. You are literally saying you'd celebrate a man abandoning his family and breaking his kids hearts.

 

Your crash back to earth will be painful.

[Turning point]

I feel physical pain right now... the broken heart kind. The despair is ....

 

...nothing that can be attributed to the MM.

 

Let's get REAL. You ended your marriage. Time spent alone with your son is also a glaring reminder of the magnitude of that change. No one makes this kind of change and immediately experiences sunshine and unicorns. In fact, most people (even if unconsciously) feel it as failure even when it was the right action to take.

 

MM is not the source of you pain. This affair is a distraction and the pain will be with you until you turn, learn, and truly deal with your own sh**. The denial you're in can't be underestimated.

 

If you want to feel JOY then you have to stand up and take ownership of your own life. Turn, learn, and change for the better. When you don't love yourself you'll love whatever scrap of someone else is thrown your way. It's a form of self-punishment and one a lot of cheaters are perfectly happy to exploit.

[PhoenixRising8]

With respect, have you never had a breakup before?

 

This pain you are feeling has been felt by every person who has ever broken up or ended a relationship. If others are able to get through it, so will you...

 

It will get better with time.

 

That's true but only to a degree. An affair break up is worse. It's worse because you are letting go of an illusion. You have lost that part of yourself that had integrity, morals, values and self respect. You realize that in order for you to be "happy" someone else has to suffer and you were complicit in working towards that. It's much more complicated than a break up between singletons. You are mourning the loss of a relationship but more than that, the loss of your sense of self.

[BaileyB]

An affair break up is worse. It's worse because you are letting go of an illusion. You have lost that part of yourself that had integrity, morals, values and self respect. It's much more complicated than a break up between singletons. You are mourning the loss of a relationship but more than that, the loss of your sense of self.

 

I hear that. I wonder - mourning the loss of your sense of self... perhaps, also having to do some self reflection and face some hard truths that were more easily ignored during the affair?

 

I suppose my point, in part, was to remind the poster that although it’s a painful experience, the pain is temporary. This too shall pass... in much the same way that the pain passes with any breakup. The time and the journey will be different for everyone. But, continuing in this affair because she feels pain and depression when she is not with him is a temporary fix - it delays the inevitable pain that is to come...

[PhoenixRising8]

Yup ... this exactly. I just came back from a support group meeting where I realized that the fighter in me died a slow painful death over the last 10 years. So much so that I became (and allowed myself to be) a victim, something I never was. Time to resurrect that fighter. Lots of self reflection.

[finna]

With respect, have you never had a breakup before?

 

This pain you are feeling has been felt by every person who has ever broken up or ended a relationship. If others are able to get through it, so will you...

 

It will get better with time.

 

Other than my divorce six months ago the last breakup was over twenty years ago... took me a few years to really get over it... so no, I don’t have a lot of practice with breakups.

 

For those who think that an affair doesn’t affect your children - think again. It’s a shame, your son isn’t getting the best of his mom because she is heartsick over an unhealthy relationship... a relationship she is CHOOSING. This affair is taking your time and emotional energy away from your son... what a shame. Your son deserves a mother who is present with him, not pining after a man who doesn’t want her... (I’m sorry to be blunt, but it’s sadly true).

 

I have been absolutely present with my son- as a shear effort of will if nothing else because it is not fair to him otherwise. All my attention has been on him when we are together- when he is otherwise occupied though and doesn’t need my attention the awful emotions and feelings are certainly present... that part will take time to get through.

Edited June 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[Naivewomen]

@Lilkat, I disagree with your last post. You have fought your way through everything you went through for the last 10 years. You are way stronger than you believe.

 

So strong that you said enough is enough!! That's powerful!!!

[pepperbird]

I just came back from a support group meeting where I realized that the fighter in me died a slow painful death over the last 10 years. So much so that I became (and allowed myself to be) a victim, something I never was. Time to resurrect that fighter. Lots of self reflection.

 

 

If you ask me ( which you didn't, but I will give my two cents anyway) you are far braver and have more strength than you even realize. You are willing to take responsibility for your happiness and destiny, and the introspection you are undertaking takes great courage. Not everyone can do that.

 

Add to that the fact that you are reaching out to try and help others. Again, that isn't for the faint of heart, yet you are doing it.

 

To me, that sounds like you are a true fighter at heart. You'll find her again.

[Turning point]

An affair break up is worse. You are mourning the loss ..... of your sense of self.

 

To be brutally honest no one has lost their sense of self. People don't 'lose' integrity - they come face to face with the realty of their own lies. They learn that they don't have the integrity they claimed.

 

This 'loss' is a state of self-pity which is a very painful place to be. This is why it is so important to CHOOSE your way out of it. One must exercise integrity if they expect to reinstate any such claim.

 

Those who can turn, learn and grow. Those who can't continue to wallow in their own misery.

[sagamore]

A, what is your support system other than MM and the coworkers who are connected with him? I’m wondering what other people you have in your life who you might lean on to get through this. You’re going to need a lot of support for when this relationship ends.

[finna]

I have a few close people in my life who are aware of the situation. My exH and I are actually on very good terms and are able to talk as friends about the challenges we are individually facing as well as supporting each other to make sure our son is well taken care of despite any issues. So we vent about work, relationships, sick parents, etc.

 

I also have a couple of girlfriends who are supportive of me, although I don’t lean on any one individual too hard as they are busy with their own lives.

 

A few family members are also aware and supportive, but they are not people I talk to more than once every few weeks.

 

So yes, it is difficult especially when I’m traveling- this trip counting holiday I’ve been gone for five weeks and it has been incredibly lonely at times... at home can be lonely as well though as there is not the travel excitement and distractions... time can be slow especially during sleepless hours when I’m hurting.

[PhoenixRising8]

To be brutally honest no one has lost their sense of self. People don't 'lose' integrity - they come face to face with the realty of their own lies. They learn that they don't have the integrity they claimed.

 

This 'loss' is a state of self-pity which is a very painful place to be. This is why it is so important to CHOOSE your way out of it. One must exercise integrity if they expect to reinstate any such claim.

 

Those who can turn, learn and grow. Those who can't continue to wallow in their own misery.

 

That's your opinion ... one I strongly disagree with. I lived more than 5 decades displaying integrity and morals every day. And then I snapped. The affair was and exit affair, revenge affair and a big FU to the marriage. It came on the heels of 'the straw that broke the camel's back' - our daughter got US tickets to an NHL game (hard to get premium tickets) as a thank you for all the support and help we had given her the last year which had been very difficult for her. He didn't even tell me about those tickets. Instead, he invited a friend!! I only found out when she mentioned it to me, being surprised I hadn't thanked her. I asked him and he said well I didn't think you'd want to go. Seriously? Did you even ask? NO! We had season's tickets for the AHL but I wouldn't want to go to an NHL game? OK then ... After years of trying to make the marriage work, being his emotional and financial support while he was sucking the life out of me by neglecting me and my needs with his narcissistic behaviour, picking fights telling me and our daughter that I was mentally unstable, when I'd finally have enough and fight back (then it was see, she has anger management issues) I had enough. I chose to disrespect him as he had disrespected me for years.

 

In the middle of the affair I started to feel very guilty and uncomfortable with how xMM was treating BS, in addition to me. I kept addressing it but as he later admitted, it was easier for him to keep status quo and not ponder it too much. Talk about selfish. While I was thinking of not just me, but her also, he was thinking about HIM.

 

So yes, I had the integrity I claimed to always have. Through a bad choice and lack of thinking through my choice, I found myself in a situation that got well out of hand. And I am paying the price. Revenge and getting back at someone don't pay. As grandma always said, never make a choice to dig a hole for someone else because you may very well fall into it yourself ... and I did. Wise woman, my grandma.

Edited June 28, 2019 by LilKatKat

[PhoenixRising8]

@ Naive, S2B and pepperbird, thank you for your kind words. They really do mean a lot. I appreciate the encouragement, without the pontification about the BS, the morality of affairs and the desrvedness of my current state as I got much of in my own thread. It's difficult enough when we get ourselves in these situations and sometimes the only thing standing between moving forward or backtracking is a kind word and encouragement. I thank you sincerely.

[Turning point]

That's your opinion ... one I strongly disagree with.

 

No, you don't because if you read your own words you close by agreeing with exactly what I said. This is the double standard one has to apply to rationalize their 'CHOICE' with their false self.

 

The affair was and exit affair, revenge affair and a big FU to the marriage.

The affair was a choice - an eye for an eye. Instead of leaving and self preservation you dealt with a narcissist by becoming one in return.

 

Through a bad choice .... I found myself in a situation that got well out of hand.

 

You had other choices that were in your own better interest, and did not require anyone else to suffer at your doing.

 

And I am paying the price. Revenge and getting back at someone don't pay. As grandma always said, never make a choice to dig a hole for someone else because you may very well fall into it yourself ... and I did.

People choose to get into this, and they frequently choose to remain defined by it. Whatever we think we have (integrity) is an illusion unless and until we are actually tested and able to display it or not. Edited June 28, 2019 by Turning point

[PhoenixRising8]

I guess half a century of integrity counts for nothing. Thanks for that Turning. Everything is defined by one bad choice. I suppose you've made none. Never hurt anyone. Good for you.

 

Onward and upward.

[Naivewomen]

Kat, you are do welcome!! I know where you were at!!! I know you were able to show XMM love genuinely and I fully understand how you believed him. Thing is he himself probably believes alot of what he told you. Believe me you left a mark in his life. He's going through his own withdrawal of you. He just suppresses it better. So do the same and continue to move forward.

[Turning point]

I guess half a century of integrity counts for nothing.

 

Perhaps it counted for something then.

 

This is the crux of being stuck. The difficulty in moving forward is that we can no longer own that untested claim of integrity. We are required to display it in ways we never had before.

 

Baby steps, because we can't steal integrity from our past to account for the present. It's a painful reality.

[Naivewomen]

I guess half a century of integrity counts for nothing. Thanks for that Turning. Everything is defined by one bad choice. I suppose you've made none. Never hurt anyone. Good for you.

 

Onward and upward.

 

 

These are the non sinners of the world.....

[PhoenixRising8]

Indeed NW. My response to the non sinners? Yeah OK, whatever ...

 

And TP, don't assume my integrity has never been tested before or since, because it has. It's righteous people who verbalized that one transgression negates a lifetime of right choices that makes it difficult for forgiveness and moving on.