In a rough place - thoughts appreciated

[finna]

Okay I was not planning on adding this detail but I’m tired of hearing about how I’m projecting terrible things about MM’s wife and she is completely innocent.

 

The fact is that she stepped out on him long before he ever did with me. She actually got pregnant by another man but lost it. At that time MM took her back because he was afraid to be alone but there have been major trust and other issues ever since. I actually wonder sometimes if she is gaslighting by how hard she has acted jealous and accused him of cheating long before I was in the picture.

 

Granted, two wrongs do not make a right, and these are somewhat separate issues. However I think this does add a history and dynamic to the situation that makes it less straightforward than her being completely the innocent victim.

[Starswillshine]

Granted, two wrongs do not make a right, and these are somewhat separate issues. However I think this does add a history and dynamic to the situation that makes it less straightforward than her being completely the innocent victim.

 

Nope. She is still the innocent victim in HIS/YOUR affair. Dont kid yourself.

 

He chose to reconcile with his wife.

Edited June 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SpiceCat]

The fact is that she stepped out on him long before he ever did with me. She actually got pregnant by another man but lost it. At that time MM took her back because he was afraid to be alone but there have been major trust and other issues ever since. I actually wonder sometimes if she is gaslighting by how hard she has acted jealous and accused him of cheating long before I was in the picture.

 

And yet he's still not leaving her for you. Something to consider...

Edited June 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BTDT2012]

Okay I was not planning on adding this detail but I’m tired of hearing about how I’m projecting terrible things about MM’s wife and she is completely innocent.......

None of this has anything to do with the situation at hand. Whateveer she did, whether he forgave her or not, he still chooses to remain with his wife.

Edited June 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Crazelnut]

Do you realize how many times you've said he's afraid to be alone? And he's conflict avoidant to boot. He really doesn't sound like a prize.

[finna]

Yes. It’s because it’s something he and I have talked about a lot - his insecurities and history in the relationship and why he’s made the decisions he has.

[BaileyB]

The fact is that she stepped out on him long before he ever did with me. She actually got pregnant by another man but lost it. At that time MM took her back because he was afraid to be alone but there have been major trust and other issues ever since.

 

Granted, two wrongs do not make a right, and these are somewhat separate issues. However I think this does add a history and dynamic to the situation that makes it less straightforward than her being completely the innocent victim.

 

Sadly, this just makes the whole situation even more of a train wreck than it already is... Why you would chose to get involved in this marriage is beyond me... My thoughts are with this child, who seems to be the true victim in all of this.

[LivingWaterPlease]

He must really have some sort of strong bond with her to have taken her back after she got pregnant with another man's child. And she stayed, even though she's been with at least one other man.

 

It seems to me there is a very strong bond between this couple, never mind that they also have huge issues.

 

From what you write they seem very committed to staying together come what may.

[elaine567]

I’m at peace with the longterm outcome....

What do you consider to be the "longterm outcome "?

[finna]

From what I understand she immediately confessed and was remorseful. He didn’t want to be alone so forgave her, at least as best as he could. I know there is still some bitterness... and all the issues that enter a relationship when that trust is broken.

[S2B]

Doesn’t matter what she did - he’s staying with her - he’s been clear.

 

Are you prepared to be hiis OW as long as he likes it - as long as he says so?

[SpiceCat]

Yes. It’s because it’s something he and I have talked about a lot - his insecurities and history in the relationship and why he’s made the decisions he has.

 

Ok but..if he left her, he wouldn't be alone..he would be with you. So there goes that theory.

 

His (and your) justifications for him not leaving her are weak. I know it's incredibly painful to hear but really, what it sounds like is that you're just not that important to him...sorry to be blunt but it's true. Frankly, I disagree with the poster who said he would be upset if you started dating. I think he might be upset for a few days, maybe weeks..and then he'd go find himself a replacement and be happy as a clam while you continue to suffer.

 

He's not doing you any favors by continuing to dangle the fishing line..and you're not doing yourself any favors by continuing to eat worms.

 

I know I sound harsh but it's only because I have been there. It's horrendously painful and I do not envy you right now. There's no happy ending to this story no matter how much you try to convince yourself that there is.

 

You can feel the pain now, or you can prolong it and feel it later..but you will feel it. I hope you have a strong support system..you will need it.

[SpiceCat]

From what I understand she immediately confessed and was remorseful. He didn’t want to be alone so forgave her, at least as best as he could. I know there is still some bitterness... and all the issues that enter a relationship when that trust is broken.

 

If you ever got into a real relationship with him, there would be no trust. You already know he's a cheater..he already knows you're willing to be with a married man.

[PhoenixRising8]

OP, with your latest revelation of his wife's infidelity, there are two possibilities (because you really don't know if it's fact or fiction):

 

Scenario 1 - She did cheat on him and lost the OM's unborn child. He decided on a revenge affair thinking he would even the score and rid himself of some of the bitterness. Maybe he didn't consciously set out for revenge but subconsciously, I'd be willing to bet that was a factor. Do you really think he would leave the mother of his child, the one who cheated on him but he decided to stay with her nonetheless, for a woman who has shown she will be a willing partner in an extramarital affair? Trading in his current unfaithful wife is messy and costly, not to mention the logistics of a long distance R with you. He's already married to a woman, the mother of his child, who will cheat. The grass isn't greener on the other side and better the devil you know...

 

There is obviously some strong connection, because even with the soft landing (you), where he wouldn't be alone, he is choosing to work on his marriage, celebrate his anniversary, tell you it's over and then see you with no return to the romantic overtures.

 

Scenario 2 - She didn't cheat on him. It was a tale he spun to gain sympathy from his 'friend' so that she would be more willing to bed him.

 

Either way, it doesn't matter. He's had his escape. He has recharged his batteries and he is refocused on home and hearth. There's nothing left to see here folks.

 

As a footnote, my understanding is that statistically, women are more likely to forgive infidelity whereas that tends to be one thing men have a much harder time with. If he has stayed with her, I doubt he will be leaving.

 

OP, I have the impression that you keep giving more information that you think will lead people to the conclusion you would like to hear. I empathize because I did this too. I'd be surprised if anyone on this board will see it your way.

Edited June 4, 2019 by LilKatKat

[DKT3]

Granted, two wrongs do not make a right, and these are somewhat separate issues. However I think this does add a history and dynamic to the situation that makes it less straightforward than her being completely the innocent victim.

 

I said I was done, but this one is common. Honestly, I simply don't believe this. This is upping the ante here.

 

First of how could he be sure it wasn't his kid...oh of course the ole we weren't having sex. Secondly, if true you would have mentioned this way earlier when people were hammering you about villaifing his wife.

Edited June 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Daisy2013]

How would you get through it? Only by YOU ending it!

...

If he chooses you he’s got to go through hell to have you. A conflict avoider isn’t gonna go through hell when he can just go back to his “easy life that makes him look good”.

 

TRUTH! My MM was and still is miserable. But, he has said he has to “play house” and be the good guy everyone thinks he is. To leave would mean he gives up his important positions in church and the accolades and respect that goes with it. So he stays busy and gone from home. It would be too much trouble to leave, he said. It is easier to deal with his misery.

Edited June 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[S2B]

Any man that seriously wants to be with you - will.

 

Nothing would stop him if that was his priority.

 

He’s let you know he’s unwilling to change his life for you = believe him.

[heartwhole2]

Are you saying that if I were to cheat on my husband, to lie to him and expose him sexually to someone else without his knowledge or consent, that this would be OK because he isn't "innocent"? That he does not deserve honesty or fidelity in our new marriage which I have agreed to stay in because of what he did in the past? And that if anyone stood up for his right to bodily autonomy, that person would be arguing BS? Man, why haven't I have been dragging some third party into my dysfunction so I could use him for sex and ego boosts sooner?

 

I know this isn't what you mean. I'm not going to disappoint myself or cause havoc for an imaginary AP or harm my husband because even if I have a "good enough reason" to do so, that's just not how I'm going to live my life. I know that when you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes.

 

"She started it!" is just another BS item to add to the list of "stuff cheaters say."

[BaileyB]

How were things at work today? Was it all business? Are you doing ok tonight?

[heartwhole2]

Lampooning aside, I'll explain that my goal in sharing what I've shared throughout your thread isn't to explain that the BW is a better person than you thought so you shouldn't be a party to harming her.

 

Rather my goal to disabuse you of the notion that another person's lack of worthiness excuses our poor treatment of them. I am trying to help you, an OW, when I have been hurt by an OW, because I understand that we are all human. We are all connected. Seeing the humanity in every person is something that blesses me greatly, and I hope it blesses others in return.

 

There is a spectrum of human goodness, and we all fall somewhere on it. Where is the cut-off for seeing the humanity in others? If you're 50% good, I won't do wrong by you, but the person who is only 40% good should look out? If we were to rank BS in terms of how deserving they are of being cheated on, it would be almost unanimous that your MM's BW deserves it more than I did, I'd guess. But the premise itself is a form of victim blaming.

 

It is always helpful to look for the humanity even in your worst enemy. You don't have to embrace them or even forgive them, but you have to recognize that they are human beings who deserve your pity, and that there is a surely a story that explains how they wound up as miserable and dysfunctional as they are. You can add to their sorrows, or you can say, "There but for the grace . . . "

 

We can also see the humanity in your MM, but since you are the one posting here for help, and he is currently harming you, our focus is on the negatives. I have been careful to say that I do believe he's sincere in his feelings for you, and also that I don't think that painting the MM as a calculating predator is useful.

 

Choosing what is good and right isn't easy when our desires feel overwhelming. We hope you will come to see that your desires are leading you toward disaster, and choosing the good and right will lead you toward health and happiness. We're rooting for you.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Ok but..if he left her, he wouldn't be alone..he would be with you. So there goes that theory.

 

 

You can feel the pain now, or you can prolong it and feel it later..but you will feel it. I hope you have a strong support system..you will need it.

 

... the caveats are:

 

1) the longer she defers the pain, the more intense it will be later;

 

2) she could choose to end it now on HER terms rather than later when she may be unceremoniously kicked to the curb/thrown under a bus after a Dday.

[Turning point]

My son has the option to do online schooling and my ex is fine with me taking him out of the country for periods of time.

 

This is so sad. I feel bad for your son that his mother would barter his education for the sake of her own cake eating.

[BaileyB]

This is so sad. I feel bad for your son that his mother would barter his education for the sake of her own cake eating.

 

His education, his friends, his sports, his time with his father and extended family...

[finna]

This is so sad. I feel bad for your son that his mother would barter his education for the sake of her own cake eating.

 

You do take a bitter view. My son has always requested and enjoyed alternative education opportunities and loves traveling and experiencing different cultures, etc. He easily makes friends wherever he goes and picks up new languages with amazing ease. If this future were to happen it would solidify many benefits that we have been working towards (and will continue to do so) regardless of my relationship.

[finna]

How were things at work today? Was it all business? Are you doing ok tonight?

 

It was an interesting day- I posted briefly about it earlier but the quick recap is that it was all business throughout the day- he picked me up, we worked at the office and had lunch, and he dropped me back off at my hotel. We were friendly and had a good time. When he dropped me off he did give me a hug and a quick kiss, then left and went home.

 

We did end up texting throughout the evening- and it had more relationship substance than anything recently... we discussed a lot about what we appreciate about each other and things we would like to do together. I’m not reading anything into it other than observing that the tone was far different than what we have had the last few weeks. I won’t see him again for a couple of days so have a little time to think about what I will say and do at that time.