In a rough place - thoughts appreciated

[finna]

She loves him!! This is why she wants to spend the day with him on their wedding anniversary!! She loves him.. keep repeating that until it sinks in. He will not walk away from that.. its comfort, security, zero chaos and etc. It doesnt matter how much fun he has with you. He will continue to give you less and less of him. He will keep you in your place wanting and desiring him more and more. All of this, is simply part of the thrill for him. The game that has no winners in it. Please spare yourself from this drama. You will not win, do u still need more clarity from him??

 

She won’t be spending the day with him though - he will be working a long day.

[finna]

I can’t imagine anything worse that sitting back, having to watch the man I love celebrate his wedding anniversary with another woman and then go on holiday with his family, all while I’m wishing and hoping for the demise of said marriage and family.

 

I’m just not sure how you make that right within yourself OP. I truly don’t understand how anyone could do that.

 

If I wasn’t struggling with the entire situation I wouldn’t be here.

[heartwhole2]

All relationship stuff aside it is pretty inconvenient to have family staying during the week from a business perspective - from a purely objective view it makes much more sense to take the day(s) as time off rather than trying to juggle both.

 

Yeah, a husband who was really investing in his marriage would take the time off and not view it as an inconvenience. She's trying to compromise because he's being unreasonable.

[lana-banana]

So why not just say "hey, don't contact me until the divorce papers are signed"? Sitting around and being available isn't going to speed up his decision-making process (if there is one at all). If anything, it just reinforces his belief that he can be with you and his wife at the same time. Cutting him off entirely allows you to reclaim your dignity and also ends your active interference in his marriage. And if he does reach out to you again, signed divorce papers in hand, you'll know it's because he's well and truly single and wants to be with you.

[BaileyB]

So why not just say "hey, don't contact me until the divorce papers are signed"? Cutting him off entirely allows you to reclaim your dignity and also ends your active interference in his marriage. And if he does reach out to you again, signed divorce papers in hand, you'll know it's because he's well and truly single and wants to be with you.

 

If she was to do this, she would risk losing him forever. I get the sense that OP is not prepared to do this yet...

[lana-banana]

If she was to do this, she would risk losing him forever. I get the sense that OP is not prepared to do this yet...

 

But doesn't she (and all of us) deserve better than being a part-time lover? She clearly isn't happy getting 1/10th of his time and whatever spare crumbs of affection he decides to offer on a given day. If a real, committed relationship is what you desire, why accept anything less?

[BaileyB]

But doesn't she (and all of us) deserve better than being a part-time lover? She clearly isn't happy getting 1/10th of his time and whatever spare crumbs of affection he decides to offer on a given day. If a real, committed relationship is what you desire, why accept anything less?

 

I completely agree, and I have suggested nothing less in this discussion.

 

It’s quite clear that she is holiding on, biding her time to see if he will follow-through on the promises he has made. The question is, how long is OP prepared to hold on and how low will she have to sink before she decides she deserves more than what he is willing to offer?

 

She holds on because she doesn’t want to lose him forever, not really understanding that she doesn’t really “have” him at all...

[elaine567]

She can't let go for a second, for fear without her presence, he will finally decide to stay with his wife for good or start a new affair with some other woman... she will then have missed her chance...

[Aloha123]

I can’t imagine anything worse that sitting back, having to watch the man I love celebrate his wedding anniversary with another woman and then go on holiday with his family, all while I’m wishing and hoping for the demise of said marriage and family.

 

 

It's very very painful. My MM and his wife (who he is "very married" to and never leaving) celebrated their 30th anniversary the first year of our affair, and it was truly awful to watch it all on social media.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

All relationship stuff aside it is pretty inconvenient to have family staying during the week from a business perspective - from a purely objective view it makes much more sense to take the day(s) as time off rather than trying to juggle both.

 

It's a matter of priority. His BS views their family as priority over his job (etc), and though he may feel it inconveniences him or adds pressure to his workload, he has clearly agreed with BS...hence why he complies with her wish. Otherwise, he would have insisted differently. He's a grown man who has made his choice(s).

[PhoenixRising8]

I'd add to this: his wife knows something is up and she's fighting back in the best way possible. Making sure significant events are being celebrated and showing him the value in his life and what he has already built.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Adding...

 

OP, take a look at my profile picture and see what it means to you. I chose it way back when, and I think it correlates with what many have said here:

 

The role is to not see the whole truth (that's only for MM), and to say nothing. Just be compliant and smile pretty.

[heartwhole2]

I'd add to this: his wife knows something is up and she's fighting back in the best way possible. Making sure significant events are being celebrated and showing him the value in his life and what he has already built.

 

When my husband was "too busy with work" to do anything for our 10th anniversary except an overnight that was less than 24 hours away together, I obviously felt rejected and like he wasn't valuing our relationship, but I had no idea why.

 

It's rational to expect your spouse to want to celebrate milestones with you and to want to be with you. I don't think there's a rulebook that says you're supposed to look out for signs that your spouse is trying to distance himself and if he is, then you're supposed to realize this is because he wants out and you must reel him back in. You're just thinking, "It's our anniversary, what are we doing this year?"

 

For that anniversary I found pennies from every important year of our lives together, and I put them in a frame of the sonnet we had read at our wedding. I memorized the sonnet and recited it for him. This was in no way an attempt to show him what we had so he would choose it. It was to celebrate what we had because I assumed we were on the same page. Once I realized we weren't five months later, I wasn't going to spend one second of my life voluntarily in a love triangle.

 

But one of my weaknesses is not understanding how other people's brains work sometimes, so this is just my experience. I can also tell you from reading countless BS stories that I have never read one where a BW suspected her husband was in an affair so she started trying harder. She is always in a state of shock, not eating, not sleeping, obsessed with finding confirmation, etc. She's not thinking, "While he doesn't know I'm on to him, I'll make sure to win him over by being the best wife ever." She either confronts right away, or if she's particularly gutsy, she'll wait a few weeks and then surprise him with filing. But the secret plan to win him back is not how women respond to figuring out their husband is in an affair. They might do the pick-me dance later, after he didn't end the affair, but they'll be so consumed with confrontation that they'll make that happen first.

[PhoenixRising8]

Maybe I'm looking at my own experiences Stars.

 

After several years of no vacations, no New Years celebrations, nothing special for anniversary or birthdays, after he said he wanted to separate and he started his antics to get thrown out, she planned all sorts of special activities for milestones and holidays. She already strongly suspected an affair. She told him her parents got beyond infidelity and they could too. So she did whatever she could to show him what he stands to lose. It isn't just the financial, it's all those things that you can't put a monetary value on because they are invaluable: extended family, friends, history. All OW should know this. All OW should recognize the power a BS has that trumps "affair love".

 

To be fair, she had been depressed for a couple of years (gee, I wonder why ... not) so probably wasn't in the mood. In retrospect, it isn't hard to figure out what at least contributed to her depression. From November to February with birthdays, holidays and vacation, it got through to him. So yes, I believe those BS who want to save the marriage, that know, or strongly suspect will put in the effort. And it doesn't come off as pathetic or "pick me" in my opinion.

[finna]

 

But one of my weaknesses is not understanding how other people's brains work sometimes, so this is just my experience. I can also tell you from reading countless BS stories that I have never read one where a BW suspected her husband was in an affair so she started trying harder. She is always in a state of shock, not eating, not sleeping, obsessed with finding confirmation, etc. She's not thinking, "While he doesn't know I'm on to him, I'll make sure to win him over by being the best wife ever." She either confronts right away, or if she's particularly gutsy, she'll wait a few weeks and then surprise him with filing. But the secret plan to win him back is not how women respond to figuring out their husband is in an affair. They might do the pick-me dance later, after he didn't end the affair, but they'll be so consumed with confrontation that they'll make that happen first.

 

I am not sure - I really get the feeling that she suspects something and is fighting for him... there have been too many well-timed “interventions” on her part over the last few months... I get it- I would do something similar probably.

[elaine567]

The OW and the MM often think that the wife knows about the affair, some even convince themselves that she condones it, but the hurt, shock and horror on her face on DDay tends to sober up the MM and can send him scuttling back to his wife and marriage....

[heartwhole2]

Maybe a BW who feels like her husband might be about to cross a line might up her efforts, but a BW who knows he's cheating will be traumatized and is more likely to collapse than to compete.

[heartwhole2]

Maybe the BW who seem suspicious get "the vibe" from you OW (wonder why, right?). But just because women put out the vibe that they'd be into our husbands doesn't mean we think affair, affair, affair.

 

One time pre-affair someone wrote a lost connection ad to my husband because he let her stand in front of him at a concert. It was featured in a blog we read so we saw it. It went on and on about how kind his realizing that she couldn't see and offering to switch with her was, and how much that moment meant, etc. This was pre-affair so my only thought was, oh, this poor thing, misinterpreting a tiny gesture that my husband does to everyone he meets like this.

 

Post affair, someone gives me the vibe and yeah, I want to know why. Not because she gets to an affair with my husband just because she wants to, obviously that's his responsibility. But just because now my innocence is lost, another casualty of the affair.

[Amethyst68]

Then you get the wives who have suspected, investigated, got their proof and filed. That's when the MM tends to dance to the BW's tune, when they're suddenly slapped in the face with reality.

 

You know that's also a possibility, if she has been suspicious for a long time and has proof, she may have decided to sever him papers for their anniversary

[Timshel]

All relationship stuff aside it is pretty inconvenient to have family staying during the week from a business perspective - from a purely objective view it makes much more sense to take the day(s) as time off rather than trying to juggle both.

 

She won’t be spending the day with him though - he will be working a long day.

 

I am not sure - I really get the feeling that she suspects something and is fighting for him... there have been too many well-timed “interventions” on her part over the last few months... I get it- I would do something similar probably.

 

This woman who is his wife doesn't need to check her calendar to see if it's ok with you. That you would 'probably' do the same is ironic.

 

Until the man you are having an affair with informs his wife that he no longer wants to be with her and their marriage is over...she can do whatever she pleases and if there is no objection on his part, consider this a mutual decision.

It's not convenient for who in the middle of the work week?

[heartwhole2]

I'm sure MM presented his wife's actions like they were annoying and unreasonable to asaysno. We're just trying to point out that he has reasons for lying to himself and to asaysno, and to his wife. OW bond with the MM over the problematic wife because the narrative is that the problematic wife is why the MM is so in love with the OW in the first place.

 

For a BW to post about her life on social media (not that asaysno has complained but that's a common OW complaint into which they read all sorts of malice) or to inconvenience herself to travel to be with her husband on a special day or to have issues that require the help of her life partner and husband . . . none of these are unreasonable or manipulative. If the MM were a healthy person, he would say, "I married this woman for her good qualities, she's just doing her best, I need to step up my game" instead of "Wah wah wah, see, this is why my life is so miserable!"

 

He's not a prize and it's a damn shame if any woman treats him like he is.

[Timshel]

I shouldn't post in OW threads. I read these posts and it bothers me; all I read is women against women.

Asaysno is actively hoping that a man leaves his wife and child for her.....is going to stand in this woman and child's presence before or after having sex with him and deeply wish for their demise on their anniversary. To me, this is deeply twisted.

 

I am not a novice of mental depravity; I have a long career in making sure that people are properly handled in the criminal justice system.

 

Op, please consider counseling, there isn't any way that you are a well functioning adult/mother while actively trying to destroy another woman's family.

[BaileyB]

Asaysno is actively hoping that a man leaves his wife and child for her.....is going to stand in this woman and child's presence before or after having sex with him and deeply wish for their demise on their anniversary. To me, this is deeply twisted.

 

I couldn’t agree more. And after 35 pages of discussion from women and men saying “abort, abort!” You can’t exactly claim ignorance to the hurt that is being caused to another human being.

[Turning point]

For that anniversary I found pennies from every important year of our lives together, and I put them in a frame of the sonnet we had read at our wedding. I memorized the sonnet and recited it for him.

 

That was a really thoughtful and meaningful thing to do. I'm sorry it fell upon someone who didn't appreciate it.

 

Your right that a BS doesn't typically try harder, we simply work that much harder to get ourselves through each day without falling apart. Some are unfortunate enough to find their ex recounting those romantic overtures with their OW/OM as humiliating inside jokes. They can be very cruel indeed.

 

You never try harder to keep someone like that.

[finna]

This woman who is his wife doesn't need to check her calendar to see if it's ok with you. That you would 'probably' do the same is ironic.

 

Until the man you are having an affair with informs his wife that he no longer wants to be with her and their marriage is over...she can do whatever she pleases and if there is no objection on his part, consider this a mutual decision.

It's not convenient for who in the middle of the work week?

 

Having family around and trying juggle their needs versus business is a distraction- one of the reasons I don’t bring mine on business trips and rarely have in the past. Our line of work requires us to do frequent dinners and other social occasions with internal colleagues and customers, as well as work a lot of evening hours to prepare for the next day. There is no conniving here on my part- When we were together my ex and I would have easily agreed to wait for the weekend to properly celebrate... and yes we had a very good relationship during that time.