In a rough place - thoughts appreciated

[SpiceCat]

Right. Let's not forget that the MM is a big contributor to the OP's messed up state of mind right now. She's not making him cheat on his wife, he's got her sucked in so deep that she can't see from right from wrong at the moment. He's the true puppeteer in all of this. He shared his marital problems and did the Oh woe is me, and painted this picture of himself being this poor perfect sweet man who just wishes he could make everyone happy, that po po man.......

 

Do you sleep with every man who tells you he's unhappy?

 

Unless he held her at g*npoint and forced her to enter into an affair, she is 100% responsible for her actions and for the position and the pain she is currently in.

 

My affair was incredibly similar to OP's. But I wasn't able to extract myself from it until I understood that the only person causing me pain was ME. Yes, my exMM was garbage, but I chose to jump into his dumpster.

Edited June 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[anika99]

SpiceCat you misunderstood my point. I wasn't implying that the OW isn't responsible for her own behaviour. Of course she is. However there were several posts before mine by people who were appalled that the OW believed all the lies told by the MM about his wife and reprimanding her for vilifying the BW. I was simply stating that the OW has to believe the lies and dehumanize the BW in order to justify the affair and the MM helps her do that.

 

Are you suggesting that cheating MM don't lie and manipulate to get what they want? Everyone is responsible for their own choices and behaviour but let's not pretend that the MM doesn't have a hand in what both the BS and the OW believe.

[SpiceCat]

SpiceCat you misunderstood my point. I wasn't implying that the OW isn't responsible for her own behaviour. Of course she is. However there were several posts before mine by people who were appalled that the OW believed all the lies told by the MM about his wife and reprimanding her for vilifying the BW. I was simply stating that the OW has to believe the lies and dehumanize the BW in order to justify the affair and the MM helps her do that.

 

Are you suggesting that cheating MM don't lie and manipulate to get what they want? Everyone is responsible for their own choices and behaviour but let's not pretend that the MM doesn't have a hand in what both the BS and the OW believe.

 

Of course they do..but the second one hears 'I'm married' should be the second one retreats. Without exception. Ever.

[vla1120]

....Gus (I've never known a Gus who wasn't a bad person by the way)

 

@preraph, I laughed out loud when I read this. My estranged husband's "Americanized" name is Gus. It's the name he goes by with everyone but me. I can confirm one more unsavory Gus you can add to the list.:lmao:

[finna]

We talked. He is still all over the place. Wants to focus on family. Wants to spend time with me. His family did not come down midweek. We spent time together at the beginning of the week, but he stayed by himself on the day/night of his anniversary. He wants to make plans for next month.

 

I don’t know what I want other than to be loved and feel happy and not deal with so much heartbreak. It’s still a rough place to be.

[anika99]

He is not all over the place. His plan is to stay married and continue the affair and he has said as much by saying he wants to see you and focus on his family. He has no plans to divorce.

[BaileyB]

I don’t know what I want other than to be loved and feel happy and not deal with so much heartbreak.

 

I agree with anika. He is not all over the place. It may not have been what you wanted to hear, but he has been very clear and very honest with you. He is not making any more grandiose promises because he has no intention of leaving his family. That said, he hopes to continue his affair with you.

 

You will need to accept the fact that the love and happiness you seek will not, can not, be found with this MM. He can not be what you want him to be, because he is committed elsewhere. Any feelings of love and happiness that you feel will be fleeting and they will leave you feeling empty, when he leaves to go home to his wife.

 

I’m sorry, I know it’s not what you want to hear but if you want to feel loved and be happy you have only one choice... to let this man go. And, only when you find happiness yourself will you find the love and companionship you seek.

Edited June 12, 2019 by BaileyB

[Turning point]

I don’t know what I want other than to be loved and feel happy and not deal with so much heartbreak. It’s still a rough place to be.

 

The solution to that is to stop walking down this same dead end ally and take to the open road - a path that is OPEN and full of possibility.

 

Yes - it's an unknown and the first few miles are scary but, you will find more than you thought was possible. You'll probably find yourself first - which is a necessary half of the equation you want to solve.

 

Right now you're living in your own version of Ground Hog Day.

[elaine567]

It’s still a rough place to be.

It will always be a rough place to be, as long as you allow him to continually flip flop between you and his wife.

[BTDT2012]

We talked. He is still all over the place. Wants to focus on family. Wants to spend time with me. His family did not come down midweek. We spent time together at the beginning of the week, but he stayed by himself on the day/night of his anniversary. He wants to make plans for next month.

 

I don’t know what I want other than to be loved and feel happy and not deal with so much heartbreak. It’s still a rough place to be.

 

 

He isn't all over the place. He wants things to continue as they are.

[darkbloom]

OP- this is now 39 pages of things being exactly the same. He intends to stay with his wife and intends to keep you on the side. You are in a rough situation because you are pretending it’s ever going to be any different. It gets better when you decide it gets better. You hold all the power, tell him you will sleep with him when he has signed divorce papers in hand. You will get your answer VERY quickly. You deserve more than the carrot on the string he’s dangling.

[Amethyst68]

You have the information you wanted, more you have the information you NEED to make an informed choice. This man has now told you he wants an affair, he has also shown you more proof he is a liar - if he were truly wanting to focus on his family then he would not be keeping you on the hook by making plans for next month. I truly hope you can see how disrespectful this is, to both his wife and to you!

 

BTW did he explain the change in plans?

[sagamore]

We talked. He is still all over the place. Wants to focus on family. Wants to spend time with me. His family did not come down midweek. We spent time together at the beginning of the week, but he stayed by himself on the day/night of his anniversary. He wants to make plans for next month.

 

I don’t know what I want other than to be loved and feel happy and not deal with so much heartbreak. It’s still a rough place to be.

 

You’re not being honest with yourself. You do know what you want. You want him to leave his wife and be with you. You’re mortgaging off your dreams to be with this man.

 

Also, the fact that he spent the day/night of his anniversary alone tells you everything you need to know. That was his way of drawing boundaries and protecting his marriage. He may spend stolen moments with you but ultimately his wife and their marriage is his priority. I’m sorry.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Asaysno, it's time you break out of your denial and see what this really is. He is not who you thought he was. You will need a good therapist to sort this out. The longer you wait, the more difficult (and psychologically damaging) this will be. Take heed and protect yourself now.

 

Have you realized the caliber of folks on Loveshack? For a web community especially, I have found most of the people here to be intelligent, wise, educated, etc. Look at how many pages people have posted on your thread repeating the same message (over 30 pages). Look at the similarity in all the assessments just since your last post. You know deep down that not everyone is wrong about MM. How many people have encouraged you to stay on this runaway train verses not.

 

There are real costs to this situation to you and others, many I suspect you are not yet aware of. Get counselling to support the unwinding of this affair, lest you find yourself (and your self-esteem, etc) unwinding instead. Face the pain and grief now...it will only get exponentially worse the longer you put it off.

[heartwhole2]

You are taking his refusal to dump you (though he pretty much did) and go NC with you as evidence that he is considering a future with you. To those of us on the outside it seems pretty clear that he came as close to leaving as he was ever going to get. His goal is not to choose one woman and become a really good partner to her. He doesn't understand his role in being a good partner and he's already in this mess so he might as well continue getting what he wants out of both relationships.

 

The only way you're going to get out of this love triangle is if you pull yourself out. If you make him choose, the odds are very high he will choose her. If you don't make him choose, you'll stay in this affair until DDay or until you can't take it any more. We are hoping to save you time spent in this terrible, self-defeating limbo.

 

Life is precious and short and today is the day to choose you. We've talked all day about whether he has agency and choice or whether he lives at the whim of his wife. But let's talk about you and your agency and your choice. Why are you living at the whim of a married man?

[Abetterme]

@asaysno - I just wanted to send some support as I imagine you are digesting all of these comments. I wish I had found this forum long ago so that when xMM began communicating what I then interpreted to be mixed signals, I would have not processed it as I did. It hurts, but know this has nothing to do with you or your value, but his wish to fulfill only his needs. I wish you all the best and hope you can put your foot down. It will be painful, but I assure you nothing like what you will continue to experience if you let him continue to use you. Thinking of you!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I came back to emphasize getting yourself a good therapist. The bottom of your reality has fallen out and I feel like you may be on the verge of recognizing it. There's no substitute for a good clinically trained counselor to guide you through this. A local counselor can also point you to additional resources in your area tailored to you. Don't go this alone. This is not a normal breakup. Affair breakups have a special way of gutting those involved. They are life altering. Professional help will help you come out the other side as a whole, healed, wiser person rather than bitter and damaged. Do you have a counselor in mind? Make sure the counselor is a good fit so you will build trust and get the most out of it.

[finna]

@asaysno - I just wanted to send some support as I imagine you are digesting all of these comments. I wish I had found this forum long ago so that when xMM began communicating what I then interpreted to be mixed signals, I would have not processed it as I did. It hurts, but know this has nothing to do with you or your value, but his wish to fulfill only his needs. I wish you all the best and hope you can put your foot down. It will be painful, but I assure you nothing like what you will continue to experience if you let him continue to use you. Thinking of you!

 

I appreciate the support. Sometimes I feel like I might be getting stronger- other times either very happy (when I’m with him) or devastated when I’m in an emotionally low place. I hope to be able to wrap my head around it all and proceed forward soon... it is a process.

[finna]

I came back to emphasize getting yourself a good therapist. The bottom of your reality has fallen out and I feel like you may be on the verge of recognizing it. There's no substitute for a good clinically trained counselor to guide you through this. A local counselor can also point you to additional resources in your area tailored to you. Don't go this alone. This is not a normal breakup. Affair breakups have a special way of gutting those involved. They are life altering. Professional help will help you come out the other side as a whole, healed, wiser person rather than bitter and damaged. Do you have a counselor in mind? Make sure the counselor is a good fit so you will build trust and get the most out of it.

 

There aren’t many resources in my area. Will likely look at what’s available via online.

[Starswillshine]

@asaysno know this has nothing to do with you or your value, but his wish to fulfill only his needs. I wish you all the best and hope you can put your foot down. It will be painful, but I assure you nothing like what you will continue to experience if you let him continue to use you. Thinking of you!

 

 

YES!!!!!

 

His actions do not determine your worth and your value. It is something within him, not you.

[SpiceCat]

you are better than this and you deserve more.

[aliveagain]

I am not going to read all 40 plus pages on your thread but I am going to give my two cents worth anyway. When you were married it was an adventure to him. He had control over another mans wife. Your now available and the more available you are the less interested he is. He is just your everyday nasty POS that gets off on taking things from other men. He will never leave his wife but he will always have someone on the side. Stop being that someone. I will give you the same advise I have given many of my single 50 plus female friends, stop wasting your time on someone who will never be available because while you wait around for him Mr. Right will have come and gone from your life. One day you will wake up and discover guys don't find you as attractive anymore. I am not trying to be mean, I see it happening to so many women and it really pi$$'s me off to see someone so intelligent wasting their life on a POS who is using them. Being alone is better then this.

[Aloha123]

The last 2 pages of comments from yesterday and today single-handedly consist of the best and most comprehensive advice I have ever seen on this forum. Please go back and read all of them over and over again. I should and will do the same.

Edited June 13, 2019 by Aloha123

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I am not going to read all 40 plus pages on your thread but I am going to give my two cents worth anyway. When you were married it was an adventure to him. He had control over another mans wife. Your now available and the more available you are the less interested he is. He is just your everyday nasty POS that gets off on taking things from other men. He will never leave his wife but he will always have someone on the side. Stop being that someone. I will give you the same advise I have given many of my single 50 plus female friends, stop wasting your time on someone who will never be available because while you wait around for him Mr. Right will have come and gone from your life. One day you will wake up and discover guys don't find you as attractive anymore. I am not trying to be mean, I see it happening to so many women and it really pi$$'s me off to see someone so intelligent wasting their life on a POS who is using them. Being alone is better then this.

 

This is a very interesting, plausible perspective that I had not considered. I , for one, thank you for sharing it!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

There aren’t many resources in my area. Will likely look at what’s available via online.

 

Please start with a local clinical counselor. They should be everywhere, but if not, phone consult was a good suggestion by S2B. The counselor can guide you from there. Consider alternatives like group sessions (places of worship may have a directory as well as the AA affiliates). I also did hypnotherapy besides individual counseling and group meets (Celebrate Recovery).