Author finna Posted June 14, 2019 Author Share Posted June 14, 2019 It is an interesting conundrum to me... I certainly feel loved and happy - much joy actually, when we are together. When not, sometimes I still feel that joy - sometimes it is the heartbreak - mostly because of the missing each other. Today is the last day we will be working together for about three weeks as we are both on vacation and separate travel. It may be a good time to reflect on all that has happened recently. He told me yesterday he loves me and misses me all the time (yes just words, but truly heartfelt, even though it doesn’t “mean anything” in terms of action). But it is as yet another chapter in the relationship... and yes, one where I need to figure out what I am going to do about what I want. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 Heroin feels good, but is it good for you? No. Affairs are just as addictive. Seek help. Get counseling. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) This is the very essence of an affair - it feels so very good, except when it doesn’t. Much like an abused woman will say, he’s not abusive all the time. And when he’s kind, things are really good and I love him. Watch their social media when they are on holidays together. How good is that going to feel, to watch him enjoying a holiday with his family when you are alone, wishing that the holiday was shared with you. He wants you to feel good when you are with him, because that’s what keeps you there. But the truth is, he probably doesn’t have to do much for you to feel happy and loved. The sad reality is, married men don’t offer much and yet, the women are able to create this amazing love story in their minds. Over time, it will wear you down. The “good times” are not enough, and you will be left with regret that you didn’t get out sooner... you will have wasted years of your life on a dead end relationship - years that you will never get back and years that could have been spent with a partner who truly loved you. Edited June 14, 2019 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 .. married men don’t offer much and yet, the women are able to create this amazing love story in their minds. This OP, is why the majority of advice you receive feels so dicordant - because you have lost the ability to measure your own reality having supplanted it with the addictive high of your own fantasy thinking. If anything - an affair is an escape from our reality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 Last night at bedtime I had an unhappy child and it made me think of your situation. My husband was out of town and the kids were anxious to sleep with me. My older child had already asked so I told my 7 year old she could sleep with me the next time he's out of town. I offered her a mattress on the floor if the thought of being alone in her room was too much. She cried and wailed and asked me to explain how this was fair over and over again. I lay with her in her bed and held her and sang to her, but it was obvious we were locked in a vicious cycle. As long as I comforted her, she believed there was a chance I'd change my mind and kick her sibling out of the bed so she could sleep with me. It would reinforce for her that she can just refuse my decisions as long as she protests or waits me out enough. For my part, I didn't want a wailing child so I was inclined to keep comforting her, which kept the cycle going. (For anyone who's interested, this ended when I got firm and told her I was going to bed, but she had one last chance to accept the mattress on the floor option, which she did.) I think this is where you are with your MM. He tried to kick you out of the bed and choose his wife, but you are resolute in interpreting anything other than his cold and absolute rejection of you as a reason to hope. Of course he still cares for you. Affairs rarely end because the affection and attraction has dried up. They end because somebody gets firm and decides that the vicious cycle can't continue anymore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 Nothing we can do or say here, the dream is still alive. He DOES love her, he WILL leave his wife and they WILL have a happy ever after... It is amazing how powerful that word "love" is. Once uttered - putty in his hands... Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) Nothing we can do or say here, the dream is still alive. He DOES love her, he WILL leave his wife and they WILL have a happy ever after... It is amazing how powerful that word "love" is. Once uttered - putty in his hands... Hence why I suggested several pages back about childhood invalidation/needs suppressed. There are deep seeded FOO issues at play...me thinks. Edited June 14, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted June 14, 2019 Author Share Posted June 14, 2019 We parted ways this evening to go on our respective vacations... he took me to dinner, kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me, and that the time would go fast until we saw each other again (in 3-4 weeks for next work meeting). Actually this evening is awkward as hell for me because it just so happens his hotel room is three doors down the hall where his family will be staying after they arrive tonight - I have an extremely early flight so I doubt we will cross paths but it’s still an odd sensation. I’m just trying to relax and not be anxious about any of it for now. It could be a tough night. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 Does this mean you have accepted your place as the sidechick? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 Yep, sounds like you've decided to keep being his side piece. This makes me so sad for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted June 14, 2019 Author Share Posted June 14, 2019 I don’t think so - but I am unsure of a lot of things right now. I’m going to go on vacation and see where my head is at in a couple of weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 Prediction: in a few weeks you will fall with relief into his arms. He loves you he missed you, he will leave his wife only not quite yet... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted June 14, 2019 Author Share Posted June 14, 2019 Possibly. Or he could flip flop again and be focused on the family or I could be done with things... a lot can happen in four weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 Possibly. Or he could flip flop again and be focused on the family or I could be done with things... a lot can happen in four weeks. So you're willing to settle for someone who cuddles, kisses, has sex with, and spends time with his wife, rinses his junk off, and hops into your bed. Why do you have such little value for yourself? There are so many decent men out there and you're choosing to follow this one around like a puppy licking his crumbs off the floor. You are worth so much more than this. You will never be his top priority..not even close..but you SHOULD be your own top priority. You're better than this, I know you are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 rinses his junk off This particular bit is an optimistic, but unfounded assumption. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 I do not know you, we will never meet yet I feel so bad for the life you are wasting on this stringer(someone that will continue to string you along so you continue to fill their needs at a horrific cost to you). I doubt you will listen to advice given to you by strangers that have concern for your well being. The best thing you could do for yourself right now is block him, change jobs, change your phone number, remain unlisted, change the locks on your door, save your life. It makes no difference in my life what you do, it makes a huge difference in yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 listen, you can absolutely decide to be the side chick and accept the situation for what it is. Heck, that is what I explicitly settled for for 2+ years because I knew from the beginning my happily married x-mm was never leaving his wife, as he even told me as much. In hindsight, I actually give hime a little bit of credit for this. Now I certainly don't recommend this approach, because even though the highs are very high, they are very fleeting and are not outweighed by the very prolonged lows, guilt, longing, resentment, emptiness, self-hatred, and lack of fulfillment. But, at a minimum, you MUST face that this is your role, and go forward with your eyes wide open instead of kidding yourself that it will ever be anything more than this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 We parted ways this evening to go on our respective vacations... he took me to dinner, kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me, and that the time would go fast until we saw each other again (in 3-4 weeks for next work meeting). Actually this evening is awkward as hell for me because it just so happens his hotel room is three doors down the hall where his family will be staying after they arrive tonight - I have an extremely early flight so I doubt we will cross paths but it’s still an odd sensation. I’m just trying to relax and not be anxious about any of it for now. It could be a tough night. The odd sensation you are feeling is the cognitive dissonance of being in a relationship that depends on blocking out the fact that he has a primary relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 Possibly. Or he could flip flop again and be focused on the family or I could be done with things... a lot can happen in four weeks. Why does he get to make the decision about your future happiness? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 Actually this evening is awkward as hell for me because it just so happens his hotel room is three doors down the hall where his family will be staying after they arrive tonight. That would absolutely destroy me - to know that the man I love is sleeping down the hall with another woman, with his family. We parted ways this evening to go on our respective vacations... he took me to dinner, kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me, and that the time would go fast until we saw each other again (in 3-4 weeks for next work meeting). Sweet relief for him. He can go and enjoy his holiday with his family, knowing that you will be waiting with open arms for his return... again, tell me what you are getting out of this affair? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 We parted ways this evening to go on our respective vacations... he took me to dinner, kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me, and that the time would go fast until we saw each other again (in 3-4 weeks for next work meeting). Maintenance work. He needs to keep those plates spinning. He gave your plate a good spin before he went down the hall to give his wife's plate a good spin. He is now just hoping he has done enough to keep your plate solidly spinning for the next 4 weeks... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 Maintenance work. He needs to keep those plates spinning. He gave your plate a good spin before he went down the hall to give his wife's plate a good spin. He is now just hoping he has done enough to keep your plate solidly spinning for the next 4 weeks... The “I love you” before parting was a nice touch, especially after a week or two of not saying it... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 I’m going to go on vacation and see where my head is at in a couple of weeks. That's a good idea. While you're relaxing, please keep your mind and heart open just in case you meet someone who can offer you more than an affair. You never know when that person may happen along, and it would be really sad if you missed that opportunity because you're waiting for mm. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 15, 2019 Share Posted June 15, 2019 , told me he loved me, and that the time would go fast until we saw each other again (in 3-4 weeks for next work meeting). Actually this evening is awkward as hell for me "Time would go fast until we saw each other again..." Uh huh, "Time flies when you're having fun." "Actually this evening is awkward as h for me..." Yep, when you're not having fun, not so much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted June 15, 2019 Author Share Posted June 15, 2019 That's a good idea. While you're relaxing, please keep your mind and heart open just in case you meet someone who can offer you more than an affair. You never know when that person may happen along, and it would be really sad if you missed that opportunity because you're waiting for mm. I will do my best. It is very difficult to think of loving anyone else right now... I don’t think I’m going to be ready for that for a long while. But life has unexpected surprises sometimes. In thinking about my situation I had a tad bit of insight. MM does not like to be alone. I clearly fill that gap for him in many ways and when he travels otherwise or is at home he fills that need with work. I’m not sure how this insight will be relevant but it does help me further understand the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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