In a rough place - thoughts appreciated

[heartwhole2]

You said that realizing he can’t be alone was a break through for you. Are you wondering if that’s why he’s with you, rather than it being the kismet/meant to be thing you thought it was?

[Starswillshine]

What will you do when the BS figures it all out.

 

FYI: all deleted things can be recovered. If it happened on his cell phone, it is NOT safe.

 

Never doubt the power of a woman scorned. I could have destroyed the life of my ex's OW, I just decided to be the bigger person. And I wasnt interested in blowing up people's lives... much unlike her. And much unlike you. And she may not be as empathic as me....

[BaileyB]

Just curious OP, how empathetic do you think your employer will be when they learn of your “workplace” affair?

[heartwhole2]

OP, a fair number of BW do reveal affairs to the workplace. Sometimes it's a condition of R that the MM does it himself. Or sometimes she does it just to go scorched earth.

[pepperbird]

The ow my husband got involved with also thought no one at work woudl care. She is the one who spilled the beans in a very stupid way.

 

She's no longer employed at that job. She was released. The reason? No one trusted her. I know it may not sound fair, but that's the way it was. Mind you, she tried to blame me, but who cares?

[Timshel]

Never doubt the power of a woman scorned. I could have destroyed the life of my ex's OW, I just decided to be the bigger person. And I wasnt interested in blowing up people's lives... much unlike her. And much unlike you. And she may not be as empathic as me....[/quote

 

It is unlikely that she will be sympathetic when she realizes the scope of her husband's deceit and your complicity....work for play and in a hotel room a few doors down from her family....etc.

[finna]

You said that realizing he can’t be alone was a break through for you. Are you wondering if that’s why he’s with you, rather than it being the kismet/meant to be thing you thought it was?

 

I think we have a very powerful connection... and I think there is eventually more to this story to write. However, the not wanting to be alone realization I think explains a lot about the insecurity of why he has never left his wife (well before me) despite a tumultuous relationship, and why he isn’t very introspective, and possibly why we started spending a lot of time together as friends in the first place... it was very comfortable for both of us for many months after work to go have dinner, or explore a city, or even companionably work in a hotel lounge in an evening - rather than being alone in our rooms.

[finna]

Just curious OP, how empathetic do you think your employer will be when they learn of your “workplace” affair?

 

It certainly wouldn’t be the first and likely not the last. As we have no reporting relationship or financial implications it is not a policy issue. Sure- anything is possible but there are few likely ramifications in that regard.

[Timshel]

The married guy that you are having an affair with must have been on pins and needles all night you were a few doors away from his wife, lol. Thinking any minute you'd make a scene. Sweating bullets.

Look, you are his away from home woman. He may care about you but it's all travel and covert kisses. This won't hold a candle to home but it's fun.

 

 

His wife is suspicious of you and the best thing she could do is hand him to you on a silver platter. He is not worth fighting over and by letting him free she would be the real winner.

 

You would be able to post about the day to day life with your bf and how exceptional a relationship beyond hotel rooms and travel your relationship truly is.

 

I hope it works out that way because water does need it's own level.

[finna]

The married guy that you are having an affair with must have been on pins and needles all night you were a few doors away from his wife, lol. Thinking any minute you'd make a scene. Sweating bullets.

.

 

What possible benefit would making a scene have for me besides possible entertainment for anyone close by? I figured at the very most there would be semi-awkward hellos if we met coincidentally in the hallway.

[BaileyB]

I think we have a very powerful connection... and I think there is eventually more to this story to write. However, the not wanting to be alone realization I think explains a lot about the insecurity of why he has never left his wife (well before me) despite a tumultuous relationship, and why he isn’t very introspective, and possibly why we started spending a lot of time together as friends in the first place... it was very comfortable for both of us for many months after work to go have dinner, or explore a city, or even companionably work in a hotel lounge in an evening - rather than being alone in our rooms.

 

Sure, it’s obvious that he would rather have dinner and explore a new city with someone rather than be alone in his hotel room. What your theory doesn’t explain as much is why he crossed the boundary and took you into his bed.

 

I think you give this guy way too much credit.

 

Although really, what’s happened here is to be expected. Two people travelling together and spending long hours together... this story is as old as time. He’s just another run of the mill cheater - he wants his family at home and a woman to adore him when traveling for work.

 

The mistake you have made is to believe that you mean more to him than his family - he has told you and shown you different.

 

It’s quite clear that you have no plans to change the situation. He will return from his holiday with his family and no doubt, you will welcome him with open arms. I hope you don’t waste too much of your life waiting for this man - he’s not worth it. As Timshel said, if I was his wife I would pack his bags and you would be welcome to have him. I deserve and demand more from a man than this...

[heartwhole2]

I'll just say that in all my reading of infidelity stories, there have been a few where the APs wound up together and managed to come across as healthy, honest people (there was a poster here a few years ago who immediately left her husband before starting a relationship with the AP, even though the MM was anxious to, and she refused to date him while he was still married and took a long time to introduce him to her kids). Life isn't entirely black and white and I can see nuance where it's warranted. If you do share more of your story, I'll try to keep an open mind.

 

But at the moment, your story does not seem to be an exception to the rule. You and MM both seem to have issues, lack of boundaries, low empathy, and poor judgment. I believe your affair is the symptom of these problems, not the cause of them.

[finna]

Sure, it’s obvious that he would rather have dinner and explore a new city with someone rather than be alone in his hotel room. What your theory doesn’t explain as much is why he crossed the boundary and took you into his bed.

 

I think you give this guy way too much credit.

 

Although really, what’s happened here is to be expected. Two people travelling together and spending long hours together... this story is as old as time. He’s just another run of the mill cheater - he wants his family at home and a woman to adore him when traveling for work.

 

The mistake you have made is to believe that you mean more to him than his family - he has told you and shown you different.

 

It’s quite clear that you have no plans to change the situation. He will return from his holiday with his family and no doubt, you will welcome him with open arms. I hope you don’t waste too much of your life waiting for this man - he’s not worth it. As Timshel said, if I was his wife I would pack his bags and you would be welcome to have him. I deserve and demand more from a man than this...

 

When we crossed the boundary the first time it had been a very long time coming... after months of tackling challenges together and taking care of each other as friends... some very deep feelings developed before anything “happened”... he knew I was getting ready to go home and end my marriage. I knew he was in an unhappy place after many discussions about our lives.

 

We often talked about whether we would have connected as strongly if we met at another time, place, and circumstance and after a lot of thought and discussion came to the conclusion that if we had any sort of opportunity to get to know one another at all, we would have.

 

No- none of that ties being afraid to be alone to initiating an affair. We discussed at length what happened (it was a month apart with just texting between the first time and seeing each other again). We both felt it wasn’t likely the smartest thing to do given the circumstances but that we both needed and benefited from the experience after years of being in unfulfilling relationships. As previously discussed - two hours with him was enough to be an “exit affair” for me; it gave me the courage to go home and end my unhappy marriage - I still view that as a huge positive. His side of the story obviously turned out to be far more complicated- yes I wish it was different and am trying to deal with that.

[BaileyB]

asaysno, I have no doubt that he cares for you. It’s just very obvious that this isn’t the love story that you have been imagining... the sad reality is unfortunately, he has chosen to stay with his family.

 

And, just as you needed “the affair” to give you the courage to get out of an unhappy marriage, you now need to find the courage to believe that there is more meant for you in this life than to be alone in a hotel room while the man you love is sleeping with his arms around another woman just a few doors down the hall...

 

Again, don’t waste your life waiting and hoping that this man is going to have some kind of “epiphany” and decide to leave his family to be with you. If he was ever planning to do that, he would have done it by now.

 

Keep your dignity, and let him go.

[Timshel]

I deserve and demand more from a man than this...

 

 

People don't deserve anything. People live their lives where they are, now, today. In the context of a woman willfully having an affair with a married man, why should she 'deserve' better? How so? This continued statement perplexes me...she is exactly where her disposition brings her to be. How so does she 'deserve' better?

 

Not directed at you particularly BaileyB but honestly do not understand why this keeps being bantered about as fact when it seems wholly contrary to the situation of f*cking around with a married person.

 

 

Asaysno, you are projecting your own thoughts onto your affair partner. He did not 'know' that you would go home and summarily divorce your husband. He did not know that having good times *****ing around the world would lead to a stage 5 clinger situation...because a penis has no brain. Take a step back.

 

As other posters have suggested, seeing a counselor should be a priority for you.

 

 

You are making choices now that are hurting you, you are self harming.

[BaileyB]

Interesting thought Timshel. Perhaps, a poor choice of words on my part.

 

I would say that a woman who has sex/builds a relationship with another woman’s husband has earned whatever consequence befalls her - pain, heartache, loss of job, loss of family. Is she necessarily a bad person. No. Has she made some poor decisions. Yes. She is as you say, exactly where her disposition brings her to be.

 

I used the word “deserve” but perhaps what I meant was - I would never accept this. I have enough self respect to say that I would never accept or invite a man into my life who lies, betrays me, who I could not trust, and who has hurt me. It would be absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable to me.

Edited June 16, 2019 by BaileyB

[Timshel]

It's not about you Bailey, I've said it a few times also. It does not make sense though. It's like another form of gas lighting, being dishonest, not telling OP the truth.

 

Asaysno, stop having sex with this guy until he is divorced. Do that, you will have your answer.

[finna]

Asaysno, you are projecting your own thoughts onto your affair partner. He did not 'know' that you would go home and summarily divorce your husband. He did not know that having good times *****ing around the world would lead to a stage 5 clinger situation...because a penis has no brain. Take a step back.

 

He did indeed know I was going home and ending my marriage because we had just talked about it - he often shared his troubles, and in this case I shared mine. He knew my story and had been supportive as a friend for a long time.

 

We discussed later that he would not have made any move without that knowledge just as I would not have let him if he had been drinking. Does it make it better or worse that we both proceeded with intention? - doesn’t really matter at this point.

[finna]

Work or not - he has never asked you to be part of his life beyond work - in fact, he’s specified for you NOT to be part of his life beyond work hours/time.

 

He’s put you in a box. Don’t move beyond the box. Only be with him when he says so...etc etc...

 

Why is that ok with you?

 

You ARE the secret. Why is that ok?

 

We actually have spent a great deal of time outside of work with texting, phone calls, as well as time in person. Yes, we both have daily family priorities and responsibilities, but many days we are in contact for several hours- in that regard it is like any mostly long distance relationship. I’m not arguing the gist of your message but want to be clear on details versus assumptions.

[Amethyst68]

I think we have a very powerful connection... and I think there is eventually more to this story to write. However, the not wanting to be alone realization I think explains a lot about the insecurity of why he has never left his wife (well before me) despite a tumultuous relationship, and why he isn’t very introspective, and possibly why we started spending a lot of time together as friends in the first place... it was very comfortable for both of us for many months after work to go have dinner, or explore a city, or even companionably work in a hotel lounge in an evening - rather than being alone in our rooms.

 

Interesting, when you were unhappy his wife was planning to visit midweek I said it was because it cut into your time with him. You said that want the case as you didn't spend much time with him during the week due to work considerations. Well according to the above quote you had lots of time to eat, explore or even just be together. Completely different picture of your time together during the week, although exactly what I actually expected!

[Jhm42]

He did indeed know I was going home and ending my marriage because we had just talked about it - he often shared his troubles, and in this case I shared mine. He knew my story and had been supportive as a friend for a long time.

 

We discussed later that he would not have made any move without that knowledge just as I would not have let him if he had been drinking. Does it make it better or worse that we both proceeded with intention? - doesn’t really matter at this point.

 

In your original post, you said your affair began six months ago. Do you mean that’s when your relationship turned physical? Because this sounds like you were in an emotional affair long before that.

 

This is what everyone means when they talk about his (and, to a lesser extent, your) poor boundaries. Discussing the details of your marriage - particularly the negative aspects - with someone you find attractive is asking for trouble.

[heartwhole2]

Interesting, when you were unhappy his wife was planning to visit midweek I said it was because it cut into your time with him. You said that want the case as you didn't spend much time with him during the week due to work considerations. Well according to the above quote you had lots of time to eat, explore or even just be together. Completely different picture of your time together during the week, although exactly what I actually expected!

 

OP, I've also noticed that your story changes to suit the point you are trying to prove. This wasn't even the example I was thinking of.

 

It can be hard to admit that you have skewed things when you are heavily invested in a certain perspective or outcome. For some people, it's OK to present things as truth if it could have happened, if it's plausible. I encourage you to be honest with yourself about whether you pick and choose facts and interpretations to present the truth as you want it to be (that your choices are not unethical, that their marriage is toxic, that he is conflicted and considering leaving, that you will choose your travel together in a vacuum free of personal considerations, etc.).

 

We can much better help you with a consistent story. My hope is that after the initial "No you're wrong because really what happened is X" you will be able to consider our questions and their implications for you. We're only asking them because of information you have shared and our concern that you will be (more) hurt if you don't change course quickly.

 

We're strangers behind a computer screen. Imagine how for MM, changing his story to not upset you is that much easier, and dealing with your disappointment, hurt, or disapproval is that much harder.

[elaine567]

The issue here, like it usually is, is not the affair, it is the OP reaction to the affair. She is taking it far too seriously.

People start affairs every day.

Bad marriages; poor sex; attraction to work colleagues, friends, acquaintances; polygamous mindsets; boredom; revenge; a desire to reclaim youth; looking for "extra" love, affection, excitement, fun, sex... all make affairs commonplace.

 

But those that do well in affairs compartmentalise. They keep the affair in one box and their real life in another.

People who do badly in affairs, get so emotionally involved that it becomes "everything" - they want to turn the affair into real life.

 

The OP is weak, vulnerable, fresh out of a bad marriage, she is grabbing on to a man who has compartmentalised. His wife and child in one box, the OP in another.

He is using the affair to augment his married life, he gets the best of both worlds, an actual wife at home, and a coworker who has his back at work and on the road, and who warms his bed too. What's not to like?

 

SHE needs affirmation that this is love, that this is serious, that this is going somewhere, else what is she?

Some woman he uses for fun, sex and companionship whilst on the road, a convenient "other woman"...

She HAS to be more than that, she WANTS to be more than that, she NEEDS to be more than that...

But truth is most OW are not "more than that", so she starts the long, painful, angst filled trip to finally accepting that as fact.

[heartwhole2]

I do appreciate that you are trying to see if your perspective and hopes hold up to scrutiny. You wouldn't be here otherwise. But if you have to change the facts to make it happen, you are just setting yourself up for trouble.

[Amethyst68]

I don't see the OP as weak or vulnerable, in fact throughout this affair she has been the one to take decisive actions. In her very first post she stated she had always thought that were destined to be together.... despite being married to other people and her actions have worked towards getting her to that 'dream'. The problem - it's becoming evident MM may not share the same endgame. As for her marriage, who knows the real story. The exh sounds supportive but is he just setting her up for a fall?

 

OP will you be NC with MM until you need to see him for work? There really is no need for the two of you to be in contact while on vacation with your families. Concentrate on building memories with your son, he should be the most important man in your life just now, his parents have recently split, he needs and deserves reassurance, stability and your full attention!