In a rough place - thoughts appreciated

[finna]

You have never, ever “played the part” in the big show. At best, he used to invite you to “play the part” at a small stage across town with only one or two people sitting around in chairs. And the reason you accepted this arrangement is that you’d never been on any stage before. It felt fun and thrilling - and to add to it all, he used to say, “One day I’ll have you on the big stage...just wait.” But then, he stopped. He told you he needs to focus on the lead he has. The show isn’t perfect (none is) but it works and he can’t risk a change.

 

That’s what you don’t get. You have never, not for one minute, taken her place on that main stage. It’s always been her. You’ve never comforted his son, shared his home or been presented as his partner in life. Yes, he used to hold out hope for you one day...but he’s not anymore. He has given you VERY CLEAR signals that you will never be on that stage. You’re reaching in trying to divine hints from his body language, etc. that you might still have a chance. But you don’t. And now, you’re returning again and again to that dingy, small stage that used to seem so amazing and glamorous. You’re starting to see the cracks in the walls and the dust on the floor. And you’re starting to think...is this all there is? He promised me so much more. You’ll always pine for the big stage and the lights that he promised and you never got to see. And the longer you hold out hope, the longer you’ll feel the heartbreak of getting “so close” (but not really) and having that dream ripped away because he had already committed to another lead.

 

Yes - this is part of the process that I am working through. For the record though, there have been times when I have taken care of his son (as a friend) when there was significant need and before he “refocused” last month he was presenting me to our mutual friends as his partner for now and the future (he shared his intentions and some of our plans with them). Which makes this adjustment even more difficult for me.

[Amethyst68]

The level of disrespect shown to the BW is simply astonishing and the fact you're ok with it says a lot...

 

You should never have any contact with the child, leaving it there.

 

I take it these mutual friends know he already has a wife? Unless he lives in a country whee polygamy is accepted did no-one ever question that little inconvenience?

[Starswillshine]

I'm going to make some large assumptions and guess these were male friends.

 

My exH... all his close friends and travel partners knew of his cheating ways and his OW. They just turn a blind eye because they are all cheating too. Bro code and all.

[heartwhole2]

Yes - this is part of the process that I am working through. For the record though, there have been times when I have taken care of his son (as a friend) when there was significant need and before he “refocused” last month he was presenting me to our mutual friends as his partner for now and the future (he shared his intentions and some of our plans with them). Which makes this adjustment even more difficult for me.

 

Oh dear.

 

You had several people see MM's picture of his wife and son on SM and ask you about it? Do these people know about the affair? What a terrible mind-f*ck this will be for BW when the truth comes out, that a group of affair-condoners were discussing why she looked grumpy in a picture. And with how many people know, what are the odds the truth won't come out? The least you can do is refuse to discuss these things with others who know them and refuse to be in their home or with their son.

 

You are an intelligent person and I am sure you aware of the ramifications of your being in their home with their son. I would be surprised if it hasn't occurred to you that the more you tarnish their relationship, the better the chances you'll get to star in that play.

 

Only it really doesn't work that way. An MM who was really going to leave would be careful to be on good terms with the BW he was about to coparent and go through a divorce with. All you are doing is insuring that when DDay happens, you will be viewed as a calculating manipulator by both of them. They will in all likelihood unite against you, strengthening their bond by triangulating with you, just as you and MM have done with BW. You will be the perfect scapegoat, just as she was with the many flaws and sins of hers you have shared with us.

 

That turn of events might be the only thing that gets you to accept that this isn't going to happen. But please imagine how much anguish you will feel. Can you walk away now with your dignity somewhat intact and your professional relationships protected?

 

You said in the beginning that you were positive this will work out, that it's meant to be. If that is the case, then walking away now won't have any impact on divine destiny. You will simply be extricating yourself so that he can end his marriage because that's what is right for them, without someone else in the picture. Then he can come to you when he is available and offer you the monogamy you desire.

 

The problem is that you are very much driven by fear. You have this overwhelming urge to cling to him. You will go to great lengths to sever the tie between him and BW and to hold on until the bitter end, and then you try on different rationalizations to dress up your actions. We poke holes in those rationalizations, so you adjust them or try different ones, which makes following your story very confusing. I suppose this is how you have to do it, to try on new justifications until you are forced to admit there's nothing left to make what you're doing OK.

[BaileyB]

I hear you. The hard part about this is that to make the analogy work for my situation you would have to add that my son was originally promised the part, and then was invited to have the part once every few shows.

 

My friend, life is t fair. People can change their mind about a relationship anytime. One day they are in, the next day they are out. They can try to come and go from the relationship.

 

I know you realize this, but it’s important to remember. Nothing is promised in this life. A loving relationship is a gift, it’s not an entitlement.

 

And - if your part was promised and now you only get to do it once every few shows... that’s because your MM changed the rules on you - because it suited him. His kid is playing the lead... see what I’m saying...

[BaileyB]

He did post a picture of BS and son on social media and while his son was smiling hugely she looked like she wanted to cut MM’s balls off- totally pissed off. Not trying to read anything specific into that - just observing and wondering what’s happening... could be nothing of significance.

 

Not trying to read anything specific into that - except you are... “you think” she is unhappy/angry because “you think” she looks like she wants to cut his balls off. Maybe she just stepped on a seashell? Or maybe he just said something stupid to get them to smile. How do you know.

 

Again, you are making assumption s here... this is confirmation bias to support your narrative.

 

Of course he is not communicating with you. He is on holiday with his family...

Edited June 20, 2019 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

For the record though, there have been times when I have taken care of his son (as a friend).

 

Except, you are not a friend. You are sleeping with this woman’s husband and now, you are caring for her child. Do you not see how absolutely disrespectful this is to this mother?

 

Imagine, your husband is having an affair with another woman and he leaves your son in her care. How would that make you feel?

 

I’ll answer that question for you, because I’m sure you will have some form of justification. Most women would go bat-crap crazy! And, rightfully so.

[finna]

I didn’t say I spent time with their son in their home - there have been several times traveling when urgent situations arose (such as medical) and we went to a park or similar - yes it was with BS knowledge.

 

And neither he nor I speak badly of her. He respects her as the mother of his child and I believe has been trying to set her up for economic success upon the end of their relationship (were that to happen). Yes, I have expressed my observations of behavior in this thread because it is relevant to my perceptions of the situation and where I’m at in the mix.

 

I’m sure it had come across as confused at times as I try to relate a year’s worth of details- I’ve tried to answer as openly as honestly as I can without judgement of the questions as I’m grateful for everyone’s efforts to help me.

[BaileyB]

I didn’t say I spent time with their son in their home - there have been several times traveling when urgent situations arose (such as medical) and we went to a park or similar - yes it was with BS knowledge.

 

Sure, she knew her son was with you in that moment...

 

But was she aware that you were sleeping with her husband? Did she know that her son was in the company of the woman who was waiting to benefit from the destruction of her family.

[finna]

Not trying to read anything specific into that - except you are... “you think” she is unhappy/angry because “you think” she looks like she wants to cut his balls off. Maybe she just stepped on a seashell? Or maybe he just said something stupid to get them to smile. How do you know.

 

Again, you are making assumption s here... this is confirmation bias to support your narrative.

 

Of course he is not communicating with you. He is on holiday with his family...

 

I don’t know for sure that anything was “wrong” at all... it was just very out of character, otherwise I would have thought little of it.

 

And on previous holidays he had communicated for regularly - it is different this time.

[heartwhole2]

I don’t know for sure that anything was “wrong” at all... it was just very out of character, otherwise I would have thought little of it.

 

And on previous holidays he had communicated for regularly - it is different this time.

 

So why do you think he is communicating less this time?

[pepperbird]

he hard part about this is that to make the analogy work for my situation you would have to add that my son was originally promised the part, and then was invited to have the part once every few shows.

 

no. you're wrong, and this is where you're tripping up. You see this future exclusive relationship as something that had the potential to exist, and you are hurting because that possible future isn't going to happen. You feel like it's been taken away from you.

 

That would be like purchasing 100 lottery tickets that promise you the chance of winning big and then being sad when they don't win, buying a used car and being angry when it doesn't work as promised or buying one of those late night infomercial products and then being angry when it doesn't work like the ad said it would. At some point, you can't keep saying " but he told me x, y and z and I believed him". At some point, one has to accept the reality and that the only one way to make it any different is accept the situation for what it is. There is no windfall, the car is crap and the inflatable weight loss pants or just fill of hot air.

 

You aren't in the middle of some great love story with star crossed lovers kept apart by horrible fate. It's anything but. You fell for a liar. It's as boring and prosaic as that.

[finna]

So why do you think he is communicating less this time?

 

Could be several reasons... in close proximity with family with little opportunity, ghosting out, something else entirely. I’ll know better if it continues past tonight when he will be home for a day or two.

[pepperbird]

Yes - this is part of the process that I am working through. For the record though, there have been times when I have taken care of his son (as a friend) when there was significant need and before he “refocused” last month he was presenting me to our mutual friends as his partner for now and the future (he shared his intentions and some of our plans with them). Which makes this adjustment even more difficult for me.

 

 

Oh god, why do so many other women fall for this?

Don't you see, he is showing you just how low he will sink, and you eat it up. "oh, he must love me because he lets me care for his son, introduces you as his partner, etc.".

 

I know it give you a secret guilty thrill ( and don't pretend it doesn't) to think you're the one he chose, but really, think about it for a minute. The fact that he treats another human being with such disrespect shows you just how low he will sink. THAT is who he is.

[BaileyB]

no. you're wrong, and this is where you're tripping up. You see this future exclusive relationship as something that had the potential to exist, and you are hurting because that possible future isn't going to happen. You feel like it's been taken away from you.

 

You aren't in the middle of some great love story with star crossed lovers kept apart by horrible fate. It's anything but. You fell for a liar. It's as boring and prosaic as that.

 

I agree. I can see why you are having such a difficult time accepting your changing circumstances and letting go.

 

To a lesser degree, this has happened to me. I met, what I thought might be the man of my dreams... We dated for a few months before he decided he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. Boy, was I disappointed. I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to be with me, because I knew he really liked me. I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I was disappointed that we were never going to have a chance to see what would have happened with the relationship. I was angry - why did this always happen? I get so close and then, it never happens for me! Why?

 

He wanted to continue spending time together, but he told me that he couldn’t give me what I really wanted.

 

But, I couldn’t do it, I knew it would be too hard to spend time with him when I wanted more and he didn’t. I didn’t want to make it that easy for him - why shouldn he get what he wanted and I didnt. And, I knew it would keep me stuck and keep me from finding what I really wanted in life... a happy, long term relationship. So, I declined his offer and we said goodbye.

 

But boy, it was hard. I cried. I wanted to email him. It hurt. But with time, I got over it. I made myself busy, and I lived my life. It was the right thing to do, because I was worth more than what he was offering... He knew it. I knew it. It took strength to walk away, but for me... there was no other option.

[pepperbird]

I’m sure it had come across as confused at times a

 

 

Confused isn't the word I would use. You've made your feelings obvious. You have been quite nasty in some of your comments about her, but backpedaled pretty quickly.

I don't think that's who you are at heart. I think you're a very kind person, but this affair is changing you.

[finna]

Confused isn't the word I would use. You've made your feelings obvious. You have been quite nasty in some of your comments about her, but backpedaled pretty quickly.

I don't think that's who you are at heart. I think you're a very kind person, but this affair is changing you.

 

I specifically used “confused” as a response to the person who said my responses were confusing a few posts back...

[HadMeOverABarrel]

This is what OWs, unrequited lovers, dumpees... etc. do.

They become "experts" at sussing out negative emotions on social media pics...

to suit what they want to believe...

 

A most unrewarding hobby if there ever was one! So many much more productive things one could do with one's time rather than feed the addiction by social media sleuthing. Ahhh, ask me how I know.

[heartwhole2]

So just to review, the last time you two had a serious conversation, he said he wanted to focus on his family and he said he wanted to spend more time with you.

 

And you believe/hope he couldn't possibly mean doing both indefinitely?

 

Let's focus on the first one, focusing on his family. What do you think he hopes to accomplish by doing this?

[BaileyB]

I hear you. The hard part about this is that to make the analogy work for my situation you would have to add that my son was originally promised the part, and then was invited to have the part once every few shows.

 

If I may say, this is where your son learns a hard life lesson. As I said before, life is hard, people change their minds, and nothing is promised...

 

Rather than sitting with him and bemoaning his changed circumstances, my focus would be on using this opportunity to develop character. This is an opportunity to teach your son humility, resiliency, and his own self worth - that life is more than one part, there will be other opportunities for him, and that this experience does not define him.

 

Mush of what we are all trying to share with you...

[heartwhole2]

^^^ And the promise of the part was contingent on stripping the lead actor, who was obviously also promised the role and is currently fulfilling it, of the role at a later date. Until then, the promise was secret and unofficial.

[finna]

So just to review, the last time you two had a serious conversation, he said he wanted to focus on his family and he said he wanted to spend more time with you.

 

And you believe/hope he couldn't possibly mean doing both indefinitely?

 

Let's focus on the first one, focusing on his family. What do you think he hopes to accomplish by doing this?

 

Making his son happy and not disappointing more people.

[heartwhole2]

Making his son happy and not disappointing more people.

 

And what is he doing/can he do to reach these goals?

[BaileyB]

^^^ And the promise of the part was contingent on stripping the lead actor, who was obviously also promised the role and is currently fulfilling it, of the role at a later date. Until then, the promise was secret and unofficial.

 

And, a role not earned legitimately is not something he is entitled to have. If you have to lie, cheat, and steal to get something - it’s not worth having because it’s not rightfully yours...

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Asaysno, your thread has given me so many great insights about what I accepted in the past (particularly from xMM), and what I absolutely refuse to ever accept from another person again.

 

It really comes down to how you choose to invest yourself, and what you will do with your precious time. Time is the singular thing where we are all exactly equivalent and will never get more of no matter what. My analogy follows.

 

You order a chocolate cake from your favorite bakery. You pick it up with excitement, and sure enough, the box is gorgeous and has a big, beautiful label that says, "CHOCOLATE CAKE!" You are eager to get home and cut yourself a slice. You hurry inside, grab your plate/knife/utensils/napkins, you pour yourself a big glass of your favorite beverage, and finally...OPEN THE BOX!

 

WHAT?!?!?!?!?! There's a big pile of horsesh*t where your cake is supposed to be!!!!!!!!!!

 

What to do? Dilemmas, dilemmas.

 

Do you call the bakery, yell at them, demand to know who made the error, demand they invent and build a special machine that will get you your chocolate cake in your kitchen instantly (because nothing other will do! you won't be going back there and they won't drive another to your house), etc etc etc.

 

-OR-

 

Do you pretend the horsesh*t is your chocolate cake, put a big pile on your plate, and chow down?

 

-OR-

 

Do you just chuck the box of horsesh*t in the (outdoor) trash and go get yourself another chocolate cake?

 

Moral of the story: Refusing to accept what is, just because it is not what you wanted, only leads you to invest more of yourself into something that will have the same horsesh*t outcome in the end.

 

Dating a MM is thrilling until you finally realize (i.e. admit to yourself) what is really inside [him].

Edited June 20, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel