In a rough place - thoughts appreciated

[Amethyst68]

OP, what are your plans for the 4wks you will be working together? Will you be trying to separate yourself even slightly from the situation or do you plan on acting more or less lie a couple for the time he is with you?

 

Do you think his wife will make plans to visit since it seems like she is suspicious? In fact I would be wary of her arriving unannounced, if she truly had concerns.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I was going to comment on your power comment, but then you already received great insights from all the posts that follow it. He is grooming you into your downgraded position, whether he's concious of it or not. True power comes from deciding what you will and will not accept based on what best meets your needs and desires, and then enforcing that by only showing up when those in your life meet them.

 

Just fyi, my xMM told me in the early days he was a coward. Then I did mental gymnastics trying to figure out if he meant because he was staying in his marriage or because he wouldn't give me the whole truth. Years later, I've come to understand what it means:

 

1) lies to people involved (fear of and avoid conflict)

2) bamboozles and finagles situations (because it's easier for HIM)

3) makes choices based on selfish reasons

4) would be equally cowardly with me (prime example: ghosting)

 

There's more because coward means engaging in a whole set of behaviors that hurt people. That's what you have on your hands...a coward. Instead of being honest with people, he does as he pleases because it's easier for him. Is that what you really want for your life? Even if he divorced and furthered your involvement, think of what you're getting: a conflict-avoidant, selfish, lying, cheating coward.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I just had another thought...every dollar/euro/pound/yen/etc has spent dining, hoteling, and entertaining with you has been on your employer's expense, right? He hasn't even had to come out of pocket to enjoy your company. He gets to have a good time with an OW, not only at his wife's emotional expense, but also at his employer's financial expense.

 

Asaysno, think about it...when a man, any man, wants to build a future with a woman, he looks for ways to impress her and show her how he can provide for her. He'll invest his time and money into whatever he believes will make her happy. Your MM gives most of his time and all his money to wife (that's where he's truly invested and continues to invest his future), while spending someone else's money on you. He literally has nothing invested in this. His only risk is if Dday, but I guarantee he's already come up with a game plan to manage his wife. He's strategic after all.

Edited June 26, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel

[heartwhole2]

My husband's affair happened over a big anniversary of ours, and it was the only anniversary where he was silent on Facebook. Every other year he made his profile picture our wedding photo, wrote loving words, etc. I have some theories as to why . . . he didn't want OW to get upset, obviously. He believed his narrative that he was in a bad marriage and was considering getting out of it. He's not fake and not good at being two-faced (though that didn't stop him from having an affair).

It's pretty creepy for a person to spend all day with an OW and then go back to his room and write a glowing post to his wife for their anniversary. How will you ever know he's being genuine when he's writing you sweet posts?

[Starswillshine]

Speaking of employers money...

 

And if this comes to light, will the employer start looking into all this travel and find that maybe some of it was unnecessary? That it was just used as a way to have trips together?

 

I know my xH was terrified about his employer finding out about his affair. Because his OW was in a different city. Though he had business there and always had legit reasons for his meetings, those meetings could have been a good bit more efficient. (Aka, met with people all within one trip. Versus going back 2 weeks later). Etc. Had they started looking at it from the lenses of his affair, he likely would have lost his job.

 

And you are both employed by the same employer. Yikes if this ever comes to light.

[heartwhole2]

Asaysno has indicated that they've only done what they would normally do as coworkers, minus the sex part. This is a difficult line to walk, though, when a lot of the travel is discretionary. Even so, this doesn't seem to be a concern for OP. The company allows the travel to be discretionary so they have to know people opt in or out as they please.

[S2B]

You asked why it’s still worth it to him...

 

It’s worth it because he gets what he wants.

 

Why is it worth it for you when you don’t get what you want?

 

Why are you settling for less than what you really want?

 

 

He’s not thinking of what you’re sacrificing to be with him. You think too much about him.

Edited June 26, 2019 by S2B

[PhoenixRising8]

You're angry about his loving FB anniversary post ... the question is why? He told you he was working on his marriage. That at least in some small way proves it. He didn't spend THAT night with you, although he could have. That is further proof. As a husband, absent from his wife on the day of their anniversary, posting a loving message was entirely appropriate. It is also a very strong message that he meant what he said about his marriage and that your role is significantly diminished, if indeed it ever was as significant as he made it out to be.

 

With my xMM, I always questioned everything. Even subtle things that might go otherwise unnoticed. Mostly things were consistent, until the end. For example, a couple of weeks before we finally broke up, she sent him a long text about how no one cares and he showed me. Then he raced off to talk to her, which he didn't because she took off. He left me hanging for hours not knowing what was happening. That made me angry that he thought it was OK to leave me twisting in the wind when he could have very easily told me. I let him know that. A week later he let it slip that they had signed up for a work out class together. And the last 2 family pictures I saw, he was standing next to her whereas all previous pictures at least one of the kids was in between them. Subtle things that can easily be overlooked. A week before we broke up I made the comment that sometimes I feel like its just easier for him to live with the status quo and before it registered what I was really getting at he acknowledged that it was. That started the real beginning of the end and it didn't take long. Somewhere along the line, in the 6 weeks of our reconciliation, his resolve dissipated. I paid attention. Until then, he had been quite consistent. I tend to be a consensus builder, try to resolve things without too much conflict. But I will create conflict where I think it's needed to solve a problem. And I did.

 

If my xMM had not spent the night with me when he could have, I would would have asked him why. I would have asked him why the loving message on FB. I may not have liked the answers but it would be more information to work with. This is a man who stayed with a wife who cheated (assuming that was true and not just a rationalization to you of why he is engaging in one). A man who told you he wanted to work on his marriage. A man who couldn't spend the night with you on his anniversary, even though she was miles away. A man who posted a declaration of love to his wife on FB. If he is doing this in ways you can see, imagine what he is doing when you aren't around. I don't know if he tells you they are not intimate but I would bet my last dollar that if he is saying that, he is lying.

 

You have acquiesced to being the Other Woman. There is no other explanation. No other interpretation. You can either accept that and move forward with him filling the void in your life or you can cling to hope and get angry about the things he is rightfully doing as a husband should. The former may minimize your hurt in the end, the latter will just set you up for a world of hurt, recrimination and loss of self like nothing you have ever experienced before.

[PhoenixRising8]

Another thought about the FB post. If he didn't want you to see it, if he weren't sending a message and didn't want to upset you, he wouldn't have posted it. He would have called her and whispered sweet nothings into her ear. He could have had a romantic online (FT or Skype) dinner and pleasure with her. For all you know, he did the latter which is why he didn't spend the night with you.

[heartwhole2]

Another thought about the FB post. If he didn't want you to see it, if he weren't sending a message and didn't want to upset you, he wouldn't have posted it. He would have called her and whispered sweet nothings into her ear. He could have had a romantic online (FT or Skype) dinner and pleasure with her. For all you know, he did the latter which is why he didn't spend the night with you.

 

He also could have limited the audience for the post so OW and mutual friends couldn't see it.

[pepperbird]

I can;t understand why a married man would post a flowery, loving anniversary message to his wife on a public social media forum, knowing there is a high probability his ow will see it and quite possibly be hurt.

 

 

He's either an idiot, trying to see what he can get away with or he's trying to show his ow her place.

[heartwhole2]

I can;t understand why a married man would post a flowery, loving anniversary message to his wife on a public social media forum, knowing there is a high probability his ow will see it and quite possibly be hurt.

 

 

He's either an idiot, trying to see what he can get away with or he's trying to show his ow her place.

 

And he's trying to assuage his own guilt. See, I didn't have sex with OW on my anniversary! See, I posted a nice message! I'm a good husband . . . really!

[finna]

I have to say that I can't think of a relationship where I thought to myself, "I have power because I have something s/he wants!" The fact that you are entertaining these thoughts should show you how far from healthy this relationship is....

I really never thought of it at all until a lot of posts on this thread referred to the power dynamic, how I was acting powerless, and how I needed to take back my power. It was a bit of an “aha” that perhaps I am not completely powerless in the current dynamic- although I agree that it’s not a desirable or healthy place to be.

As long as he's in an affair, he's never choosing either of you. You will know he has chosen you when he has divorced and set up a new life and wants you as his one and only. Anything else is choosing the path of least resistance.

How do I know if he has chosen her? I don’t say that to sound stupid- many posters would say he has already chosen her, so in your opinion is it if/when he cuts things with me entirely?

.....And who knows . . . if your spouse left you, maybe he would get to be your one and only. It's fun to dream, anyway.

Yeah- I don’t see BS leaving him... more that she would keep trying harder to keep him- although I suppose everyone had their breaking point for what they will put up with. Besides I’d rather be an intentional choice than a consolation prize and I’ve told him so. Edited June 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[finna]

Before he got involved with me he used to frequently post gooey messages on FB to BS... and some of that was during some of the most difficult times in their relationship. I don’t know if he was doing it to hurt me or put me in my place or whether it was about assuaging guilt or both.

[SpiceCat]

What does he get from texting you? Are you joking??

 

He gets confirmation that you'll stay in your place and not blow up his life, he gets ego strokes knowing that you're pining away for him, and he gets to keep you on the line in case he decides to restart the physical affair.

[Orokotikki]

Keeping her in place is definitely part of it.

Sad and sickening how blatantly cheaters say one thing but do another, and in doing so, easily manipulate people.

[S2B]

I can;t understand why a married man would post a flowery, loving anniversary message to his wife on a public social media forum, knowing there is a high probability his ow will see it and quite possibly be hurt.

 

 

He's either an idiot, trying to see what he can get away with or he's trying to show his ow her place.

 

It does show the OW exactly where her place is - and yet he tests the OW - because she stills comes back for more after he treats her that badly. (The wife too)

 

We TRAIN people how to treat us! Most healthy people would show him the door - but you were tested and for HIM it was a win... because you proved you will take any bad behavior he shows you and overlook it. You go back every time for more and more...setting that bar lower and lower for how he treats you.

 

At this point it isn’t what he is doing... it’s what you allow him to do to you.

[darkbloom]

My MM never posted on Facebook himself but his wife would always take pictures and post these flowing loving captions literally in the middle of him texting me. I told him how inappropriate I thought this was and he said “well I’m not posting it and I can’t control what she posts” I called him on it and he finally admitted that he knew I would see it as she and I were friends on social media.

 

He wanted you to see it no doubt to keep you in your place.

[S2B]

My MM never posted on Facebook himself but his wife would always take pictures and post these flowing loving captions literally in the middle of him texting me. I told him how inappropriate I thought this was and he said “well I’m not posting it and I can’t control what she posts” I called him on it and he finally admitted that he knew I would see it as she and I were friends on social media.

 

He wanted you to see it no doubt to keep you in your place.

 

For sure!

 

Very purposeful - cruel and mean and manipulative.

 

Shows he doesn’t seriously care about how you feel!!!

[PhoenixRising8]

My MM never posted on Facebook himself but his wife would always take pictures and post these flowing loving captions literally in the middle of him texting me. I told him how inappropriate I thought this was and he said “well I’m not posting it and I can’t control what she posts” I called him on it and he finally admitted that he knew I would see it as she and I were friends on social media.

 

He wanted you to see it no doubt to keep you in your place.

 

My xMM never used FB although he had it. His BS always posted pics of her and the kids, random games and videos. Last pic of them, or any mention of him was the fall of 2015. Fall of 2018 onwards, after he told her he wanted to leave and she asked him many times about someone else, suddenly she was posting candid pics of him sleeping on the couch, video of him blowing out his birthday candles, pictures of them at Christmas and New Years, vacation pics in February all with loving captions. I have no doubt she was sending a clear message to the person she believed strongly existed but never got confirmation about.

 

To be fair to the MM, how does he tell her not to and not arouse suspicion lol

Edited June 26, 2019 by LilKatKat

[SpiceCat]

Basically if you are going to choose to remain in this affair, you have to keep reminding yourself that you are NOT his girlfriend. You are not a priority. You are entertainment and nothing more. You are disposable. You are easily replaceable and this could happen at any moment.

 

Are you prepared to accept all of this? If not, then you should walk away. Immediately. I hope you don't accept it.

[S2B]

The question is not why does he continue... it is why do YOU continue?

 

Love does NOT look like this. A fling looks like this.

[darkbloom]

My xMM never used FB although he had it. His BS always posted pics of her and the kids, random games and videos. Last pic of them, or any mention of him was the fall of 2015. Fall of 2018 onwards, after he told her he wanted to leave and she asked him many times about someone else, suddenly she was posting candid pics of him sleeping on the couch, video of him blowing out his birthday candles, pictures of them at Christmas and New Years, vacation pics in February all with loving captions. I have no doubt she was sending a clear message to the person she believed strongly existed but never got confirmation about.

 

To be fair to the MM, how does he tell her not to and not arouse suspicion lol

 

This was exactly my point to him. She is living one version of reality and he was living another. You can tell in some of the photos he is miserable but he is still choosing his marriage over me. All the trite “wish you were” bullish-t just made me more mad at him. He has prioritized his marriage (as he should) and she should be able to post whatever she wants. I told him that if he actually wished I was there and wanted me to be I would, he’s just not willing to pull the trigger and end his marriage. As his wife, she gets the freedom to post about their relationship, comes with the territory. I feel bad in that she doesn’t know the truth of the situation and she should have all the information about her husband but she doesn’t. My best friend commented yesterday about how dumb the BS looks when she posts, and that’s not her fault. Her husband is the dumb one selling her this faithful love story when he’s being deceitful and not giving her the full picture.

[PhoenixRising8]

Serious warning to all "others" who lurk and are not connected on social media. I don't have instagram so don't know much about it but I am told you can see who has visited. You can't get the same info on FB BUT you may pop up on their "friend's suggestion" even if you have no friends in common. Ask me how I know? Well I checked out his daughter's FB and guess what? A few weeks ago, she came up on my friends suggestions. I may very well pop up on BS's suggestions. I had no idea ...

[pepperbird]

Before he got involved with me he used to frequently post gooey messages on FB to BS... and some of that was during some of the most difficult times in their relationship.

 

 

This is irrelevant. Unless he's a fool or so out of it he doesn't think you'd ever check his or her social media, he knew that if he left it there, you would see it. He could have set it to private so no one else would see it, he could have set it so that only her friends would see it, but instead he left it public where you could see it.

Why would he do that?