In a rough place - thoughts appreciated

[S2B]

Did you see him - and if so, how did things seem?

[finna]

I saw him briefly but his family is was with him (another colleague and I were meeting to get some work done at a local coffee shop - MM stopped in to say hi and discuss a bit of business with us). It was a bit weird. His wife seemed totally pissed off to be there. MM gave both my colleague and I a hug, which is normal behavior for our team when we haven’t seen each other in a while.

 

He had been messaging me earlier in the day and during that time had said he might stop by- I said I’d be glad to see him (knowing it would be business only) and he said he would try. We chatted and shared funny content for a while and he offered several compliments, which he hadn’t done in the last week or so while on holiday.

 

Anyway, during the brief visit we mostly talked business but he also brought up a couple of things that are business-related but also have related inside jokes between him and I, which caught me slightly off guard.

 

So nothing really conclusive at this point as there was not an opportunity for any private conversation.

Edited July 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Amethyst68]

Got to say I can understand the wife being pissed. Last few days of vacation, husband insists on scheduling a meeting when he could spending time with wife and son, exorbitant since he's going to be away from home for 4 weeks. Then spends meeting making cutesy inside jokes.

 

Yes, even if I had no suspicions about an affair I would start off annoyed and, depending on how long the meeting lasted possibly end up fuming to enraged. There could be the mother of all rows afterwards, especially if I was ignored and made to feel uncomfortable, which All the insider jokes and subcontext could easily do.

[elaine567]

Fast forward 5 years, MM has left/been kicked out and you end up together. You are on a family holiday and MM drags you along to a "business meeting" with some woman who he is obviously sharing "in jokes" with... a woman he now does most of his travelling with... how "pissed off" would you be?

 

You need to get real here.

This is a guy who is happy to have a "road wife".

Many travelling guys cheat, it comes with the territory and I guess they are drawn to the "freedom" travelling gives them. Here, he doesn't have to pick up girls in hotel bars or hire escorts or maintain a second secret family, he happens to have a willing participant "on site" so to speak, i.e. you.

Once you are "the wife", he will I guess still be looking for "more" elsewhere.

Cheaters are not often looking for "everything in one package", they like to have two options, a wife at home and an OW on the side...

[Maddie82]

This guy is the classic unfaithful husband that claims his wife is unstable/horrible, just to keep his mistress interested. Many men have done this. There is very likely nothing wrong with his wife at all. He just wants to have his cake and eat it too. Walk away from this one. He's playing you.

[lana-banana]

The sheer brazenness of this dude is amazing. Most cheaters are terrified at the thought of their spouse meeting the AP, especially when the spouse already has suspicions. This guy practically introduces them. I'd bet ten bucks they got in the car and he said "See? That's her. I told you there's nothing going on between us." She probably rolled her eyes and counted down the hours to her spa appointment.

 

You are giving 100% of your time and your life to a guy who's giving you 5% of his - and he's told you that won't change. You can tell yourself all the lies in the world about how you're busy too and you don't really need people, but the bigger issue is why you don't think you deserve a relationship between equals.

[finna]

The meeting yesterday was by no means the first time I met BS, or she me. If you read the parts of this thread where I explain the history, you’ll see that MM and I were colleagues and friends for years before we went any further. We’ve all been to various events over the years including dinner at each other’s houses, etc.

 

Regarding his behavior during the meeting - he didn’t ignore her or do anything cutesy. He included her in the conversation, made sure she had a drink and snack, and they left as soon as it was time to check into their hotel- staying less than an hour.

 

I understand she still probably would have rather have been elsewhere but he did not treat her poorly or ignore her in any way. The other thing is that he is not “on vacation” this week- he is here to work and she chose to accompany him knowing this was the case.

[lana-banana]

Of course he was a perfect gentleman, a total prince, an absolute saint to his evil and hateful wife, etc. Of course. Why couldn't that woman just sit there and be satisfied while her husband chats with his mistress like it's no big deal? (Maybe she chose to accompany him because she suspects something is going on?)

 

Most OWs here have MM who insist they're about to leave at any moment. Meanwhile this guy literally told you that he is going to stay married, but will keep up the affair when it's convenient for him, and your reaction was "okay, sure". He must think he's hit the jackpot.

Edited July 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[sagamore]

.........I understand she still probably would have rather have been elsewhere but he did not treat her poorly or ignore her in any way. The other thing is that he is not “on vacation” this week- he is here to work and she chose to accompany him knowing this was the case.

 

A...I’m going to push on you here. He took her along to a meeting with his mistress and sent you a couple of “inside jokes,” however subtle, while she was there. This is after she has already raised suspicions about you. He’s treating her VERY poorly. But you can’t allow yourself to see that because it bursts your bubble about him and also dredges up the guilt you have inside you.

 

Here’s the kicker: he’s also now treating you very poorly. He sent you just enough cute messages to keep you on the line so that you’d be willing to submit to this awful meeting with his wife. Because unless you’re a sociopath, that meeting had to be uncomfortable on some level. He’s asking you to betray your values and come face to face with the woman who is occupying the place he knows you want. I know you don’t want to hear this, but this guy is very, very strategic in how he is playing things with you. He knows just the right amount of affection to dole out to keep you interested while also allowing him to minimize his own guilt.

 

If he truly loved you, he would choose you.

If he truly loved you, he would protect you from his wife until they can separate.

If he truly loved you, he would say, “you are precious and deserve more than being my affair. I love you but I cannot leave. I want you to be happy.”

 

What he is doing instead is hurting you AND his wife. He is playing you both. And make no mistake, while part of him feels guilty and is unhappy, part of him is getting off on having both his women at his beck and call. And why wouldn’t he? Both of you are desperate to keep him, and that type of devotion/adoration feels really good. It might be helping him stave off some of his own depression about his medical issues, or the state of his marriage, or just general life loneliness. But in the process he is hurting two women - and his child - terribly.

Edited July 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pepperbird]

op,

I hate seeing how you are twisting your mind up in knots to justify his behavior. Come on, even you have to admit he was being a jerk.

 

 

Try taking a step back for a minute and look at what he did with a objective lens. Pretend she was your best friend, and he her husband who is cheating on her did what your mm did to his wife?

 

 

What excuses would you make for his behvaior? Would it still be okay?

 

I don't understand how you, someone who sounds like you are a very caring person, sit at a table with her , exchange pleasantries and know the whole time what you are doing to her. How could you look her in the face?

 

Your mm just showed you how low he will sink to get what he feels he is entitled to have...two women on a string he can make dance. You are a strong, capable independent woman who could attract someone who would treat her like gold. Why do you settle for someone who treats you like this?

[darkbloom]

Wow.

 

Bringing his wife to the meeting with you there is incredibly disrespectful. I know you’ve done dinner and met her before, but not probably while you were sleeping with her husband. I am cringing at this meeting and I wasn’t even there. The inside jokes in front of her- that is uncalled for and manipulative.

 

Op, there’s a small piece of you that knows this is wrong. That’s why you are on this board. The bigger side of you wants to justify this behavior away and defend him to the core. No man, no matter how good they make you feel, is worth enabling.

[Starswillshine]

I'm sure he got a huge boost from having both women there... and having you so hooked you stayed in your nest behavior. And when he calls again, you'll be the good little OW while he obviously sat in front of you AND colleagues with his wife.... his choice. He is telling you, SHOWING you to your face, who he chooses.

 

Those compliments? To keep you a good little OW and not make a problem for him and his BS.

[GraceAndJoy]

I agree with the posters above. It's one thing to lose feelings for your spouse. It's another thing altogether to be outright cruel to them.

 

When a person gets married, they vow (out of a deep sense of caring for the other's well-being) to "love, honor, and cherish all the days of my life." If things go wrong, they can depart gracefully. They should not subject the former love-of-their-life, recipient-of-love-honor-cherish, to abject cruelty.

 

What transpired in that coffee shop was extremely cruel on his part---to her now, if she knows about you, or in the future, when she finds out the meeting happened when the affair was in progress.

 

Just know, as you move forward hoping for a life with him, that he is capable of this level of cruelty.

[S2B]

Does his wife know you recently divorced your husband? If so, what is the reason she was given?

[finna]

As far as I know she knows I’m divorced... it’s public on one of my social media profiles that I know she looks at. Not sure if there has been any discussion.

[darkbloom]

Also food for thought, the fact that he KNEW he could parade his wife in front of you with no consequences and no fear of you saying anything about your A should give you pause.

[finna]

.....he feels he is entitled to have...two women on a string he can make dance. You are a strong, capable independent woman who could attract someone who would treat her like gold. Why do you settle for someone who treats you like this?

 

Those are good questions and part of what I am trying to sort out in my head. Bad behavior is not cool - at this point I feel like I know too much and not enough. For the first question I would tell a best friend to ditch the guy and seek her own happiness first, and then find someone who will not lie or cheat.

 

For the second question - why I settle... all I can say is I am trying not to... I have very strong feelings that get in the way of being completely objective about it...

Edited July 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[finna]

Also food for thought, the fact that he KNEW he could parade his wife in front of you with no consequences and no fear of you saying anything about your A should give you pause.

 

Yes- it would have been totally inappropriate of me to say anything with their kid there... he does know I will not do that.

[pepperbird]

I would tell a best friend to ditch the guy and seek her own happiness first, and then find someone who will not lie or cheat.

 

 

 

I would gently suggest to you that you take your own advice. Be a friend to yourself.

[S2B]

Those are good questions and part of what I am trying to sort out in my head. Bad behavior is not cool - at this point I feel like I know too much and not enough.....

 

May I ask? Why are you willing to betray yourself for anyone? Especially this MM? Please don’t answer “I have feelings for him”... that’s not enough to ever betray yourself/what’s best for you. Another question... if you aren’t willing to make decisions that are in your best interest - who will?

Edited July 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Also food for thought, the fact that he KNEW he could parade his wife in front of you with no consequences and no fear of you saying anything about your A should give you pause.

 

Indeed!!!

[darkbloom]

Yes- it would have been totally inappropriate of me to say anything with their kid there... he does know I will not do that.

 

This. He engineered a situation that he KNOWS you will not speak up about. He has the upper hand and all the control.

 

You and the wife are both doormats to him right now. He is treating you both unfairly and you are allowing it. I hope this behavior is making you angry because it has me fired up. You deserve more than this.

[S2B]

This. He engineered a situation that he KNOWS you will not speak up about. He has the upper hand and all the control.

 

You and the wife are both doormats to him right now. He is treating you both unfairly and you are allowing it. I hope this behavior is making you angry because it has me fired up. You deserve more than this.

 

Seriously, not only did he make a fool out of both of you women - he’s now indirectly silencing you... because he’s put you in very vulnerable situations knowing full well you will say nothing.

 

Speak up... tell him he’s being a total douche bag.

 

How embarrassing! You should be flaming mad! And you should have plenty to say about being treated that way.

[heartwhole2]

Please try to take a step back and stop viewing things from "This is him showing me he wants/loves me." Either he's really getting off on putting you two in the same place and seeing what he can get away with, or as I suspect, he meant to go to the business meeting alone but BW's spidey senses were going off so he brought her along to placate her. You should be viewing this as "When it comes to upsetting me or BW, he picks me."

[PhoenixRising8]

^^^THIS EXACTLY!!!

 

For a whole year, given a choice between me and BS, be it needs or feelings he chose me, except once just before we broke up in February. That should have been my clue not to reconcile in March because for the 6 weeks we were back together that continued to be the case. And that told me all I needed to know. I no longer believed he had true resolve to leave, despite his words. Your MM has told you he isn't leaving. Putting you face to face is just cruel yet you seem to want to continue. I don't know why you put him over yourself.