Only dated briefly but it felt like he is the one

[MrsPalmesh]

I started chatting to a guy on Facebook with no particular plan. We got along well and he asked for my number. Unprepared and feeling vulnerable, I gave it away though mentioned I'm not ready to meet yet. We were chatting on WhatsApp for 2 weeks until I was brave enough to meet and then we had a wonderful date, he was a real gentleman. I had a flight booked for a few days later, and we didn't get a chance to meet before that. I felt a bit nervous as I figured he would have found the time to see me if he was as keen as I was, so being super anxious and nervous, I sent him a text saying we shouldn't meet again. I clearly hated myself soon after and texted again to apologize, explaining how much I regret for that and that it was my fear talking, not my will. He was a bit mad, which I understand and said he feels he had been doing anything possible for us to work and he wants someone who wants him just as much. He said he felt rejected twice, first when I wasn't ready to meet and then when I said we shouldn't meet again, and that no matter how much he likes me, there's a specific amount of times he can fight for me and just let it go. I promised to show him I'm fully there, interested and ready. We spoke every day while I was abroad, I even got him a few presents that he really liked. He mentioned a few times how much he's ready for "the one" and to settle down and mentioned things like "our wedding invitation would look like...". When I got back, we met again. It was a nice date, more relaxed, and even though it was only the 2nd one, we felt very close already. At the end of the date he said he must go as he had a class in the morning but I asked to stay a bit longer. He got a bit mad. He had to go! When I got back home I texted him to say I'm sorry for pushing it, and explained that I just missed him and wanted some more time with him. He replied saying he's sorry for being mad, just had a very long day and it's all good. We then kept on texting but I felt it was a bit less than before. While I knew he was very busy at uni, I started thinking all those bad thoughts that only people suffering from anxiety can understand - how come he doesn't msg me? Is it that he doesn't think of me? We only texted at like 10pm where he got back home exhausted after a long day of studies. He asked how my day was and I, who felt open and honest said the truth - not the best. He asked why and I said "well, I guess you realized I have some issues to fight". The day after I got a text saying he's sorry, but he feels like our relationship keeps giving me triggers and he can't do that right now. I told him he wasn't a trigger (in fact, I got anxious because he's so amazing and I never experienced someone that amazing so it was a bit overwhelming), and he said "I feel like if we don't talk or meet, or something doesn't work the way you want it to, you get offended or sad. I cannot do this right now". I said "if that's an issue I'll work it out, but if you simply don't see me as a partner, tell me that so I will know its over and move on". He became cold and said he doesn't see me as a partner and good luck. The day after he unfriended me on Facebook. The day after that, he watched my story on Instagram and removed me off as well.

Two weeks after I msged him trying to explain my actions - he read it but never replied.

I am so confused - if he wanted to end it why would he unfriend me? Is he mad or hurt? Well he ended it, it's me who should be hurt right? I feel like so many bad memories from bad experiences got through me and I'm so mad at myself, thinking I ruined something good myself because I let my past into my future. I'm not sure what to do now but I have strong feelings for him and I honestly think he could be "the one".

[d0nnivain]

First paragraphs are your friends. Use them.

 

Second, you did absolutely everything wrong in here. I'm shocked this lasted as long as it did. I don't mean to be harsh. You are obviously a sweet person but until you address your issues you will be in this boat over & over.

 

Honestly until you address your anxiety & fears you will never be in a place to have a happy healthy relationship because you are not a happy, healthy confident person.

 

I'm not somebody who sugar coats things so this may feel brutal. I am not trying to hurt you more. I am trying to get you to see what went wrong, why, & how to prevent it from happening in the future.

 

 

When you are talking to somebody on line, to have a relationship you have to meet sooner rather then later. When you said that you weren't ready to meet what he heard was "I'm a time waster who wants to play with you when I have nothing better to do." Going forward, meet sooner rather that later. Until you take it off line it's a fantasy, not reality & must be treated as such.

 

Never treat a new love interest like an amateur counselor. Whatever your fears, keep them to yourself. Do not discuss the fact that you have anxiety or anything else.

 

Unless you truly don't want to see the person again, don't send break up messages. Because you two couldn't see each other before your trip, you essentially dumped him. Do you even understand how much that rejection hurt him? If he came here on LS & asked what to do, most of us would have told him he dodged a bullet because you were too flakey to date.

 

When you had your 2nd date -- a miracle that he even came after the nonsense you put him through -- you failed to respect his time. The date was over & he had to go for his next day yet you made it all about you. That is very selfish & unattractive. A good tenant of dating is always leave them wanting more. When he said he had to go, teasing one more kiss out of him would be OK, but otherwise you needed to be more gracious about the whole thing.

 

Even knowing he needed rest you pestered him with intrusive texts. You came across like a major cling-on & a whiney one at that. Do you understand how unattractive that is?

 

When you feel anxious about a date -- & we all get that fear -- you share with your BFFs, you journal, you clean your apartment, you go running. You never, ever share that anxiety with the new SO.

 

When I first started dating the man who is now my husband, I already had a trip to the beach for a long weekend planned with a group of friends. It was too early to ask the new guy to come along but he volunteered to drive 3 hours 1 way to take me out to dinner. I thought that was a bit much but I really liked him so if he was willing I was thrilled to get to see him. My friends -- especially the guys -- all teased me that there was no way some guy was going to do all that driving just to see me. They really started making me paranoid. I just sat there, dodging the jabs. What I didn't do was call the guy in Q & pester him about my fears.

 

In contrast you probably would have told the guy never mind, then freaked out, called him later & begged him to ignore what you said hours earlier. That back & forth, yes / no only telegraphs that you don't know your own mind & can't be trusted because you are too much trouble to date. Nobody wants that. You have to learn to keep your own counsel.

 

You made all the conversations all about you & what a drag everything about life is for you. Dating is supposed to be light, breezy & FUN. You don't dump your emotional problems on anybody you haven't been with for at least a year. A new SO is not a new therapist.

 

This guy finally has you pegged. You are no where near ready to date. Get some IC, even through your school. Do things to improve your own self confidence. Uni is all about learning including the lessons on who you are as a person. You have some studying to do but in the end I think you will be OK. Try to remember that everybody is self conscious & even the people who look like they have the world on a string, don't. They have problems too. The secret is to not overshare.

 

With the right tools you can grow out of this. Learn from your mistakes. You will be OK eventually if you work on it.

[MrsPalmesh]

 

This guy finally has you pegged. You are no where near ready to date. Get some IC, even through your school. Do things to improve your own self confidence. Uni is all about learning including the lessons on who you are as a person. You have some studying to do but in the end I think you will be OK. Try to remember that everybody is self conscious & even the people who look like they have the world on a string, don't. They have problems too. The secret is to not overshare.

 

With the right tools you can grow out of this. Learn from your mistakes. You will be OK eventually if you work on it.

 

Thank you for this reply, I really appreciate it.

Maybe it is worth adding that I just had a massive change in my life a few months ago and when I told him I cannot meet just yet - I really wasn't ready for dating, I knew I couldn't bear it just yet. I just had this massive change and my antidepressives' dose was changed as well, and it was all too much for me. Adding a relationship to my plate was just too much for me. I am seeing a therapist and I am aware of my issues and trying my best to work on it for my own sake.

With this being said, I wonder what to do if I still think of him in future. Could I somehow fix this?

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry for whatever the massive change was that has you off your game. That sheds light on a few things. One you know yourself & you knew you weren't ready so now you know to listen. However, you probably shouldn't have been out there looking under the circumstances.

 

Anyway, talk to who ever is giving you the meds. If you are not already doing talk therapy get some.

 

I am NOT a doctor but I also don't believe in long term anti-depressants. A happy pill won't fix what is wrong. I went through a period of massive depression after my parents died. I was practically nonfunctioning. So many doctors wanted to give me drugs. I said no. Me taking a pill wasn't going to bring my parents back to life. I did the work, I endured the pain & after several years I came out on the other side. Do not use my story to stop taking your meds without a doctor's input but do add talk therapy to your treatment regime.

 

For now, work on you. Love yourself. Rebuild from whatever happened & then when you are stronger, get back out there to date.

 

Best wishes

[MrsPalmesh]

I'm sorry for whatever the massive change was that has you off your game. That sheds light on a few things. One you know yourself & you knew you weren't ready so now you know to listen. However, you probably shouldn't have been out there looking under the circumstances.

 

Best wishes

 

I moved to another continent after 9 years.

It should feel like home as this is where I was born, but it still doesn't. All of my mature life, my close friends, my growing up, youth, relationships, uni - they were all abroad. So yeah, I speak the local language and know the culture but I feel so out of place.

My first month was crazy, I just couldn't get it. It felt unreal. And then I started working and so, and things felt better, but as my therapist says - it's like I'm physically here but my suitcases are still abroad.

I feel like with him, I really like him and so I tried my best to make it work and keep him close, but my heart couldn't bear it all.

It's either I wanted him so much and needed to know he's 100% game so I have a reason to stay here and to feel at home, or that I got too anxious and pushed him away as I didn't want him to be the reason for me not going back. I don't think we started off well because I still haven't found my place and I feel like I'm torn between to places, two life paths.

I don't know if it's possible, but it feels like he's the right guy on the wrong timing and it's killing me. Thinking I hurt him kills me even more.

[d0nnivain]

You upended your whole life & don't know where you fit.

 

I moved "home" 20 years ago .. . . not nearly has far as you did but it took a while to feel like I fit.

 

DH & I are going to a neighborhood summer kick off pot luck later today. My contribution is in the oven as I type. I still sometimes feel like an outsider looking in at these things. We won't be part of the big clique. Only a handful of people will say hi to us 1st. Still we will make the effort.

 

Give yourself some time. Make a few friends before you jump back into dating.

 

It was only 2 dates. I doubt you hurt him that much. Rather you may have disappointed him but for you the timing wasn't right. Cut yourself some slack. Nothing has to be fixed immediately.