Author NotCloseEnough Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 Sorry if that came across wrong. I'm not trying to absolve myself of any responsibility here. I was comfortable with him, I didn't think there was any interest there, so I felt comfortable spending time with him. Of course that was my choice. It was also my choice to continue seeing him once I realized we were getting too close. It did start off as entirely innocent...not that that makes it any better Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 (edited) Partners in affairs tend to check out. They stop working on their issues and get upset about it to help fuel/justify their actions. Edited June 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 Hi! Welcome to Loveshack. Great job at stepping back straight away. Good self-protective move! I feel like he was not jerking you around as much as many MM do, but he's clearly all over the place emotionally. Even the big adjustment of divorce alone is enough to make someone topsy turvy emotionally. It's going to take him plenty of time to stabilize no matter where he ends up, and there's really nothing you can do for him in the meantime. He just has to work his way through it...so definitely keep taking care of yourself by not getting involved in all that drama, and do things that are loving for yourself and make you feel good. Maybe things could work out SOMEday, but you are living TOday, so live your life to the fullest and have faith all will work out for the best....whatever may come. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 After my divorce I wasn't looking to get involved right away and given that he was married he seemed safe. It wasn't so much about competition as it was about wanting to spend time with someone without having to worry about the relationship part. You did what somanymistakes discussed earlier in the relationship - you got involved in a relationship for all the wrong reasons because you were not in a healthy place. And if he was to leave his wife and get with you, he would be doing the same thing. It goes without saying, but this is an increasingly risky investment and not a wise decision - for either of you. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 Even the big adjustment of divorce alone is enough to make someone topsy turvy emotionally. It's going to take him plenty of time to stabilize no matter where he ends up, and there's really nothing you can do for him in the meantime. He just has to work his way through it...so definitely keep taking care of yourself by not getting involved in all that drama, and do things that are loving for yourself and make you feel good. Maybe things could work out SOMEday, but you are living TOday, so live your life to the fullest and have faith all will work out for the best....whatever may come. I’ve done this. It wasn’t an affair, he had been separated for two years and signing divorce papers when I met him. We dated for a while and then he told me, he needed time to get his life in order. We said goodbye, I was disappointed. He took a year and half before he sent me another email, asking how I was doing... in that time, I have travelled to Europe, bought a new home, and lived my life... We have now been together three years and we are about to build our own home and move in together this year. Healthy people create healthy relationships. He says to this day, had he not taken that time to get himself together, we would probably not be together today... If it’s meant to be, it will be. But, you have to be prepared to lose the relationship to have a healthy relationship. He has a lot of work he needs to do, and he needs time to do it. You can’t do it for him. Either he will do the work and come back to you, or he will not. Don’t get yourself involved in his drama and don’t wait for him. Live your life. Best wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotCloseEnough Posted June 6, 2019 Author Share Posted June 6, 2019 Hi! Welcome to Loveshack. Great job at stepping back straight away. Good self-protective move! I feel like he was not jerking you around as much as many MM do, but he's clearly all over the place emotionally. Even the big adjustment of divorce alone is enough to make someone topsy turvy emotionally. It's going to take him plenty of time to stabilize no matter where he ends up, and there's really nothing you can do for him in the meantime. He just has to work his way through it...so definitely keep taking care of yourself by not getting involved in all that drama, and do things that are loving for yourself and make you feel good. Maybe things could work out SOMEday, but you are living TOday, so live your life to the fullest and have faith all will work out for the best....whatever may come. Thank you! That is pretty much what I've come to realize. No matter what happens he has a lot of things to work through and it doesn't help anybody if I'm involved. I think everyday it gets a little easier as I move closer to accepting the reality of the situation rather than dwelling on what I want it to be. I told him when all of this happened that I wouldn't wait around for him, but if he got his life sorted out I'd be willing to pick up the phone if he called. I worry about him because I know he's not in a good place, but you're right, there's nothing I can do other than walk away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotCloseEnough Posted June 6, 2019 Author Share Posted June 6, 2019 Healthy people create healthy relationships. He says to this day, had he not taken that time to get himself together, we would probably not be together today... If it’s meant to be, it will be. But, you have to be prepared to lose the relationship to have a healthy relationship. He has a lot of work he needs to do, and he needs time to do it. You can’t do it for him. Either he will do the work and come back to you, or he will not. Don’t get yourself involved in his drama and don’t wait for him. Live your life. Best wishes. As disappointed as I am, I know you are absolutely correct. The ups and downs he was going through weren't good for him and they definitely weren't going to help in trying to establish a solid relationship. I miss him, but if it's going to happen it will and I know there's nothing I can (or even should do) about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 I’ve done this. It wasn’t an affair, he had been separated for two years and signing divorce papers when I met him. We dated for a while and then he told me, he needed time to get his life in order. We said goodbye, I was disappointed. He took a year and half before he sent me another email, asking how I was doing... in that time, I have travelled to Europe, bought a new home, and lived my life... We have now been together three years and we are about to build our own home and move in together this year. Healthy people create healthy relationships. He says to this day, had he not taken that time to get himself together, we would probably not be together today... If it’s meant to be, it will be. But, you have to be prepared to lose the relationship to have a healthy relationship. He has a lot of work he needs to do, and he needs time to do it. You can’t do it for him. Either he will do the work and come back to you, or he will not. Don’t get yourself involved in his drama and don’t wait for him. Live your life. Best wishes. Love this! and happy for you. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 You're welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 Love this! and happy for you. Thanks. I basically agreed with your post. Great minds think alike! Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 Thanks. I basically agreed with your post. Great minds think alike! Perhaps because those great minds traveled some similar roads. Link to post Share on other sites
conflictednhurting Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Hi, apologies for hijacking thread. But I am trying to find the No Contact Guide, if anyone can help? TIAm Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide#post5628880 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 I think unfortunately the situation with having an affair with someone who is married (happily or not) is that they have a partner at home who is their security. That partner has put up with them and their faults and foibles for 20+? years or so. When they go home, they feel secure. They have routines, home comforts, they can relax and know where they stand with each other. They might not be perfectly happy and he/she might not have much sex, but everything else makes it really hard to consider leaving. Then, someone interesting comes along, who is available, who makes life exciting again. They fall in love, have passionate sex, have admiration and exciting secret times. It's all wonderful but the one with a partner still has the security of home. At some point, the second relationship reaches breaking point. The new partner needs commitment, has fallen in love (they might have fallen in love too), then it is crunch time. The pressure is on to break up the first relationship and commit properly to the second. So what does the married partner do? Agonize, feel guilty, feel fearful of the insecurity they face with the new partner. This person loves them, yes, but will they continue to, like Old Faithful has? They sally back and forth and then, finally, decide they cannot go through with it. Security is just too appealing. We all need security, don't we? That is the way it seems to me. I met a guy I was really attracted to. He was married. I had to back out because he made it clear he wanted more than friendship. He was interesting enough that I knew I was at risk of emotional involvement. But, I just think of the above and know it is a non-starter, no matter how optimistic we both seem at the time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotCloseEnough Posted June 27, 2019 Author Share Posted June 27, 2019 I've failed pretty epicly at NC the last few days. He was always the first one I told when anything big happened, so in a moment of not thinking clearly I texted him- told him it sucked we weren't talking and I wished he was out celebrating with me. We've been talking for the last few days. His wife now has her own apartment and he says he worked through most of his issues. He's still not on a great place with everything that happened, but he said losing me allowed him to really determine why he wanted to leave his relationship- he had to know he was leaving for him, not for me. I'm really torn about all of this. As silly as I'm sure it sounds I do honestly think he loves me. I also know he caused a lot of damage to get us here and I worry what dealing with that is going to look like. He has so many things he needs to work through. I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this. Very possibly I'm offering a cautionary tale in case anyone else ends up where I am and really wants to believe it will.work. Things feel.different between us because I think all of this back and forth has engendered lots.of doubts. Either way, this is where it is. I love a man who is still married to someone else and he is back to acting like my boyfriend again. I don't know where it goes from here. Link to post Share on other sites
notmyfinestmoment Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 Try not to beat yourself up. If nothing else, I have found that letting go is not an easy process. While the concept of no contact sounds great, it is so difficult to execute especially in a situation where the relationship hadn't run it course and ended naturally. While I may not be the one to initiate contact, I do respond when he does. Not sure if it helps or hurts to talk to him. I can see where the stress of everything you guys have been through makes the relationship have a different feel now. It could still work out in the end, but if it doesn't, I still think that you are taking baby steps to move on. Good luck and keep posting updates. We are here for you and you go through this. Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 He's still not on a great place with everything that happened, but he said losing me allowed him to really determine why he wanted to leave his relationship- he had to know he was leaving for him, not for me. That's great for him. He needs to go through the process. I never understood people who can jump from one relationship to another, without a break. I think it's important to understand the whys. Just keep moving with your life, whether you end up together (or not). Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts