I feel like a failure **Updated**

[PhoenixRising2018]

Enduring another breakup. This time it really hurts. I was so happy, yet was just told tonight out of the blue that I deserve to be loved like I deserve. That's it's not me. Been in this relationship for a while, was never pushy, gave him space when needed. We never really argued but had discussions. Everything in this relationship was what I was wanting, the no drama, caring guy. This breakup blindsided me. All the way up to this evening he never let on that he was feeling otherwise. Kept telling me he missed me and all this. I feel like a failure. That I will never be loved, just tossed aside or used. I don't even want to be here anymore even though I will never do anything as I'm too chicken to try. I just want to give up.

[Foxhall]

Life is not always fair

 

do not take it so seriously, you have to lose one to win one, or maybe lose seven to win one,

 

it is better to try and fail than never try at all-some of the posters here irritate me- they have got to the point where they have stopped trying.

 

the key for you is now changing your mindset- take the positives from this relationship- if it lasted a few months you got some enjoyment out of it and it was worthwhile

 

building new experiences and new ventures is a great thing, keep getting out there, you will continue to make mistakes but also continue to learn as you go along,

 

never stop trying or start getting too upset though,

 

life is a game of chance at the end of the day.

[d0nnivain]

You are not a failure. This relationship didn't work out. One person's opinion about your suitability as a long term partner for him is not a valid assessment of your whole life.

 

You feel awful right now, immediately after the break up because you are at a low point. All you see today is the bad & the sad.

 

There are good aspects to you. You were a caring partner to this guy. He just wasn't open to it. That is not on you.

 

Do not kill yourself. That is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Call a suicide hotline or go to an emergency room if you think you really can't take it any more. In the short run do something nice for yourself. Take a warm bath. Treat yourself to a delicious meal or your favorite dessert. Go outside & get some sun on your face.

[stillafool]

Just because one person broke up with you and told you you deserve better you don't want to be here anymore? If someone told me I deserved better I would believe them. He isn't the last man on this earth. Never make anyone that important to you.

[nolanola]

OP, listen to stillafool (and the others). Every man that has told me "you're too good for me" or "you deserve better" has been right!!! It just took me a while to see it. Usually they are telling you that because they are insecure or they know they are about to (or have) done something lousy - like cheat, lie, etc. It is very normal to feel all these things right after you break up with someone and even for some time afterwards. It will fade over time, even if it seems to take forever.

 

In my experience, it takes a while to fully get the rose colored glasses off so you can see clearly, but once you do you will probably be very glad to be rid of this guy that can't see your worth. As my Dad always says to me "Keep your chin up". Hugs.

[PhoenixRising2018]

I'm not going to kill myself but I felt safe, happy, and secure with him, been in some ****ty abusive relationships where abuse of every form happened. So being with someone who was caring and compassionate about my well being meant so much to me. He's going through some tough stuff himself right now and I've been there for him and even gave him space when needed. It just hurts as this came out of no where, there was no warning signs at all.

[Fekenaws]

You can't control what other people feel. I know this may be difficult for you to read, but he wasn't happy in the relationship. Decisions to break up never "just happen", they are made in months in advanced. He didn't "use you", if he did he would've just used you for sex. A long term relationship isn't needed to do that. Whatever you thought you had, isn't what you actually had. The best thing you can do now is to go No Contact, grieve, and then start reconstructing your life. He loved you for a time, now it's time to give someone else a chance.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I know what you are going through. I was blindsided by a break up 2 years ago and it hurt like hell. The way the breakup occurs is jarring and sudden because on minute they make you feel secure in the relationship and then next minute they pull the rug right from under you and you are sitting on your ass wondering wtf???

 

The kind of person who would do this is not mature. I guarantee that they will do it again because it is what they know. There is some power they feel when they see your pain. I was in denial with my guy about this issue with him. But now I know it is just an unhealthy dynamic to be held hostage emotionally.

 

Best way to save yourself is full NC.

We are rooting for you.

[PhoenixRising2018]

I go to my counseling appointment today. I am at a very dark point in my life. I was recently dumped out of the blue after 10 months of dating and recently planning to be closer in distance from one another for jobs. I seen no warning signs, there was no arguments in our relationship, we enjoyed each other's company. It hurts.

 

A little background on me, I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (basically used to be mis diagnosed with bipolor but it's different), cptsd, anxiety, and I have severe abandonment issues that stem from my childhood. All in all it has taken years to deal with all of these minus the cptsd which is more recent from a long term relationship that was very abusive.

 

I feel alone and abandoned. My now ex has been dealing with a lot of rough stuff and I was always there for him, drove two hours to be with him if he needed me there and such. He says he cares for me a lot, enjoyed every part of our relationship, but he feels he can never love someone the way they deserve and only wants companionship.

 

From everything I've endured growing up I wanted companionship this time around, I need to take things slow with someone, I wasn't asking for marriage or kids or even living together. I was truly happy with what we had.

 

I hate myself right now so much as I feel I did something wrong. I've posted about this in two other places and I am not going to chase him, stalk him, or text him first. I just need support from people that won't judge me. I have a good in person support system which helps but right now I want to tune out everything and freeze.

[PhoenixRising2018]

I know what you are going through. I was blindsided by a break up 2 years ago and it hurt like hell. The way the breakup occurs is jarring and sudden because on minute they make you feel secure in the relationship and then next minute they pull the rug right from under you and you are sitting on your ass wondering wtf???

 

The kind of person who would do this is not mature. I guarantee that they will do it again because it is what they know. There is some power they feel when they see your pain. I was in denial with my guy about this issue with him. But now I know it is just an unhealthy dynamic to be held hostage emotionally.

 

Best way to save yourself is full NC.

We are rooting for you.

 

 

I have not been in contact with him, I'm not chasing him nor am I stalking him. I've chased my fair share of guys but now I want to be wanted and chased. I have a counseling appointment today but haven't slept much if at all and really haven't eaten much other that some healthy shakes to keep the hydration up from crying so much. I just have a lot of self hate going on and doubt. I posted in the self help forum here also. I just don't know if I'm doing something wrong myself. I was married for 12 years right out of high school and that didn't last and I knew why as we just settled as he was brought up to marry if you have relations outside of marriage. After the divorce I dated here and there but nothing serious until 2 years later. I entered into what I thought was a great relationship, a loving one, until I finally took my blinders off and ended it after 5 years of severe abuse in all departments. Then I entered this last relationship not long after the abusive one. I entered it with no expectations, I really wanted companionship with someone who shares the same interests and cared for me. We enjoyed each other's company, had no fights, lived separately as we were 2 hours apart. He took a job for this fall 6 hours away and I looked at the job market there and between us not wanting to split up and seeing the better job market there I decided I would move down there also, not entirely for him. We decided to still live separately as we enjoy having our prospective personal space. All was going well, I didn't see warning signs at all, he literally ripped the rug from under me. I am still thinking of moving but am looking at other areas to. I live in a very rural area right now which I hate with a passion but moved here to help my mom some. I have a very huge heart and it sucks that I keep getting burned in the end so I always self hate myself and doubt everything for a while.

[vla1120]

I live in a very rural area right now which I hate with a passion but moved here to help my mom some. I have a very huge heart and it sucks that I keep getting burned in the end so I always self hate myself and doubt everything for a while.

 

You moved to help your mom? You DO have a huge heart! As he said, you DO deserve someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.

 

I know it hurts right now and there is nothing I can say that will alleviate that pain, BUT it is true that time will slowly heal the pain. Once he realizes what a good thing he gave up, he may come back and ask for a second chance. Even if he doesn't, though, you will be okay with time. Pamper yourself. Take good care of yourself!

[PhoenixRising2018]

I know what you are going through. I was blindsided by a break up 2 years ago and it hurt like hell. The way the breakup occurs is jarring and sudden because on minute they make you feel secure in the relationship and then next minute they pull the rug right from under you and you are sitting on your ass wondering wtf???

 

The kind of person who would do this is not mature. I guarantee that they will do it again because it is what they know. There is some power they feel when they see your pain. I was in denial with my guy about this issue with him. But now I know it is just an unhealthy dynamic to be held hostage emotionally.

 

Best way to save yourself is full NC.

We are rooting for you.

 

You moved to help your mom? You DO have a huge heart! As he said, you DO deserve someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.

 

I know it hurts right now and there is nothing I can say that will alleviate that pain, BUT it is true that time will slowly heal the pain. Once he realizes what a good thing he gave up, he may come back and ask for a second chance. Even if he doesn't, though, you will be okay with time. Pamper yourself. Take good care of yourself!

 

Yes I did! She had to put my step dad in the nursing home and has been fighting Medicaid for that. She has some severe health issues that point to either MS or drug interactions causing same symptoms that the doctors can't or won't figure out. So I moved to try and help her but I've had to take a step back for my health. My stress has been so high, I not only gained from that but also I started birth control in this last relationship as I don't want a kid accidentally and I ALWAYS gain on that medicine....always have. I think that might have had something to do with the breakup as intimacy went down, he blamed it on his own medicine issues but I think he didn't want to come out and truly say how my weight gain is an issue. I told him many times that I gain on this even when I'm watching what I eat and to prove that I watched what I ate even more. Stopped the energy drinks and some unless I had a bad headache, stopped with the snacks unless it was healthy, and started walking more and I still wasn't loosing.

 

But I am trying to work on myself still. The plus side I can go off the pill and loose the weight again. The negative side is I hate being alone, I want companionship that could turn into more. I don't want to rush things, I want to be there for someone unconditionally with no expectations in return. It's just the way I am. I'm not selling myself short or disrespecting myself....it's what I truly want. I don't want false love or rush into anything that might not last you know. I just feel I did something wrong....especially when I hear the line it's not you it's me.

[Mr. Lucky]

My now ex has been dealing with a lot of rough stuff and I was always there for him, drove two hours to be with him if he needed me there and such.

 

I don't think the commonly known issues surrounding LDR's should be taken as judgment passed on you. Your issues aside, the success rate when you're hours apart is low, regardless of diagnosis. In other words, it can - and does - happen to anyone.

 

If it's companionship you're after, proximity is a must. Here's hoping for more success for you next time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

You can't expect most men to get real involved emotionally when you're not right under their nose. You are going to have to date local. Sorry you're having all these problems. At some point you might ask yourself if you would be more stable not seeking romance. I know I am.

[Mr. Lucky]

I want to be there for someone unconditionally with no expectations in return. It's just the way I am. I'm not selling myself short or disrespecting myself....it's what I truly want.

 

I'm going to gently suggest that's not a healthy basis for a relationship and, in fact, is pretty much guaranteed to attract users and abusers.

 

Having expectations is part of allowing your partner to love you back. My wife has a substantial list - she'll be treated with respect, I'll make her a priority, I'll be faithful, support our family and put as much work into our marriage as she does.

 

What you want is someone who'll accept the same loving obligation you do. Otherwise, with little skin in the game, easy for them to walk away.

 

PhoenixRising2018, don't accept less than you deserve ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PhoenixRising2018]

I'm going to gently suggest that's not a healthy basis for a relationship and, in fact, is pretty much guaranteed to attract users and abusers.

 

Having expectations is part of allowing your partner to love you back. My wife has a substantial list - she'll be treated with respect, I'll make her a priority, I'll be faithful, support our family and put as much work into our marriage as she does.

 

What you want is someone who'll accept the same loving obligation you do. Otherwise, with little skin in the game, easy for them to walk away.

 

PhoenixRising2018, don't accept less than you deserve ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is something I am trying to learn. I was in a very abusive relationship for 5 years and ended it when I could no longer tolerate it. I have a huge heart and it gets me burned a lot.....I just can't help it lol.

[Mr. Lucky]

T I have a huge heart and it gets me burned a lot.....I just can't help it lol.

 

Having a large capacity to love is a wonderful quality. Just make sure the recipient worthy of the gift...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

My stress has been so high, I not only gained from that but also I started birth control in this last relationship as I don't want a kid accidentally and I ALWAYS gain on that medicine....always have. I think that might have had something to do with the breakup as intimacy went down, he blamed it on his own medicine issues but I think he didn't want to come out and truly say how my weight gain is an issue. I told him many times that I gain on this even when I'm watching what I eat and to prove that I watched what I ate even more.

 

My goodness there are hundreds of forms of birth control. Talk to your doctor and have him change your pills if weight gain is a side effect of the one you use.

 

Stop blaming yourself. Trust me if it was something you did he would have blamed you for it.

[PhoenixRising2018]

My goodness there are hundreds of forms of birth control. Talk to your doctor and have him change your pills if weight gain is a side effect of the one you use.

 

Stop blaming yourself. Trust me if it was something you did he would have blamed you for it.

 

Oh believe me I've been on a few different birth control, they all cause me to gain. I went off it since the breakup and already am loosing the weight quicker than when I was on it.

 

Anyhow I'm doing better today with the breakup, it is his loss now. It sucks and hurts still but he's loosing out on someone who has a huge heart.

[stillafool]

Have you thought about using a diaphragm?

[PhoenixRising2018]

Have you thought about using a diaphragm?

 

No I haven't and I won't have an iud of implant of any kind.

[preraph]

Nothing will make you gain weight faster than getting pregnant. Don't be silly about it. Get on a patch or a pill or something. You take estrogen together with progesterone to counter weight gain as well as any dangers. You're going to create a mess for yourself if you don't do what most people would do when single.

 

Stop giving more than you are getting in relationships! If you give to someone who isn't reciprocating as much or doesn't care as much, all it does is attract bad people to you, users. And here you are complaining about being used and discarded. Keep things equal. Being giving and generous just makes you look needy. Wait until the man (or even a girlfriend) is trying just as hard as you are. Wait until they reciprocate. A healthy guy who had good ethics wouldn't stay with someone he knew was being too giving when he wasn't to that point yet. He'd feel guilty. So what you're left hanging on are the ones who are just users. This is within your own control.

[stillafool]

No I haven't and I won't have an iud of implant of any kind.

 

The diaphragms aren't implanted you remove it after sex. It's very safe and doesn't cause horrible side effects to your body like gaining weight. Pills that make you gain weight are not safe IMHO.

[preraph]

I've been on hormones for 50 years. I'm fat now but that's because I stopped being able to walk and exercise well. I was thin for most of those years.