TrueRomance Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 I recently got back with my ex after a lot of thought and work on his part and I had some issues to work out as well. We were living together and now we are living in separate places. He has started to fall back in his pattern again with a recent argument over something so stupid. He hung up the phone on me and didn’t answer my calls or text. Honestly I don’t know why I am even trying to discuss anything with him. I do not take this well I see it as a form of abuse. We have mutual friends and I don’t want to have to play dodge him but I see him falling back into his old ways fast. I’m always left feeling less than and not worthy. I guess a lot of this comes from him being the first person I met when I moved to town. It’s really hard to make friends here btw. I am sick of feeling like this but also am scared of being alone. I already signed a year long lease in this stupid city in hopes that if we lived separately we would get along better. I know I have made some stupid life choices and now I just want to leave this place and go back to where i used to live. This argument was just the icing on the cake. He knows I have anxiety and every second the ignored I get more anxious. I’m sorry everyone for venting I just don’t know what to do. I don’t see this working and I’m stuck in a city that I know hardly anyone in. Can anyone give me some insight? Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 If you just signed the lease would the Lessor give you a break and let you out of the contract? You should find that out first and if they will, I'd be packed and left faster than you boyfriend can hang up on you again. If you can't get out of the lease can you sub-lease for the year? Would your boyfriend consider going with you to couples therapy so that you both can learn how to communicate because it sounds like both of you could brush up on effective ways to get your points across to one another without putting the other in defensive mode. If he won't go with you then break up with him and ride out your lease if you have to and join groups and take up hobbies that will introduce you to other people where you live while you learn to live without him in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrueRomance Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 I am going to check up on that ASAP! He would never consider anything like that (couples therapy) The thing is when he does this I end up getting angry because it is cruel and I did message him that hanging up is a very childish thing to do. I know people deal with feelings differently but this is ridiculous. I know I should control my anger during this period but I’m fed up with this well I don’t feel like communicating so I will hang up and just leave you wondering. If I were to do the same he would be so angry. It’s just not right to treat someone like this. If you just signed the lease would the Lessor give you a break and let you out of the contract? You should find that out first and if they will, I'd be packed and left faster than you boyfriend can hang up on you again. If you can't get out of the lease can you sub-lease for the year? Would your boyfriend consider going with you to couples therapy so that you both can learn how to communicate because it sounds like both of you could brush up on effective ways to get your points across to one another without putting the other in defensive mode. If he won't go with you then break up with him and ride out your lease if you have to and join groups and take up hobbies that will introduce you to other people where you live while you learn to live without him in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Well, how are you communicating your dissatisfaction with him? If you are nagging him to the 9th degree then he's not going to want to sit and listen to himself be harangued ad nauseum. So. How are you communicating to him. There are classes in the Art of Communication as well as books on the subject. It's important that we use our *I* words rather that *You* words that tend to put people on the defensive. *Not saying you are nagging him to the nth degree, just asking* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrueRomance Posted June 5, 2019 Author Share Posted June 5, 2019 I can’t describe but when someone hangs up mid sentence while I’m taking calmly then all goes out the window. There is no communication with someone who has just blocked me out. He can be stubborn but silent treatment is abuse and maybe I called him out on it in a mean fashion but why should I apologize when I know I did nothing wrong. I have no problems apologizing but feel this has been the strain on our relationship before. He picks out something to fight about and won’t let me get a word in. Ignores me for four days then calls me like nothing is wrong. It’s a pattern I know too well but I thought he moved past it. Well, how are you communicating your dissatisfaction with him? If you are nagging him to the 9th degree then he's not going to want to sit and listen to himself be harangued ad nauseum. So. How are you communicating to him. There are classes in the Art of Communication as well as books on the subject. It's important that we use our *I* words rather that *You* words that tend to put people on the defensive. *Not saying you are nagging him to the nth degree, just asking* Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 It’s better to be alone than in bad company. At least you can treat yourself kindly and with respect. It’s enough. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Destiny Couple Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 Would it not be of benefit if you two were able to be in a place where you can both talk about your feelings to one another? One did suggest some kind of professional relationship support, how do you feel about that? May I ask have you two always found it hard to communicate to one another? It sounds like you are not too happy with his "ways." What is he like when you try to talk to him about it in a calm environment? Is that timing right? Love to hear your thoughts! Link to post Share on other sites
Inspire Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 What was the disagreement about? Since I don't know specifics but the first thing that comes to mind is perception. Sometimes an apology doesn't mean you're wrong, it could just mean you were sorry for how it was communicated and perceived but certainly, more context over the nature of the argument would be helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 Look up the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as it relates to divorce. One of them is stonewalling. It doesn't sound like he's changed and his toxic behavior is only going to further isolate you as you find your self-esteem further eroded the longer you stay with him. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 Unfortunately, you are learning the important life lesson that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour... Another basic truth, those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Good for you for making the decision to get off this ride. I hope you find a way to get out of your lease. Best wishes in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 Sounds like he's an immature jerk. Dismissing what you say, hanging up on you ... dump his behind. Where, pray tell, did you get to inspiring idea to resume dating this guy? after you dump him, then dump the part of your brain that came up with that terrible idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrueRomance Posted June 5, 2019 Author Share Posted June 5, 2019 The nature of the context was I felt like it was time for me to leave the bar as I could tell I was getting slightly buzzed. He asked me if I was ok and I said yes which I was but then I felt anxiety and pulled over at the local store and called my girlfriend to pick me up. She didn’t mind and he was furious because all he cares about how it made him look bad to her. Now in the past I have wanted to leave for the same reasons and he says I’m a drama queen so that is why I didn’t ask his help. He likes to tell me I’m making things up so he will leave which is definitely not the case that is why I left in this fashion so he could drink with his buddies. I like to stay below the limit and if I am feeling anxiety I will stop. We have fought a lot about his all night marathons and that is also another issue. I dont want to be Debbie downer but also don’t want to date a 43 year old fraternity boy. What was the disagreement about? Since I don't know specifics but the first thing that comes to mind is perception. Sometimes an apology doesn't mean you're wrong, it could just mean you were sorry for how it was communicated and perceived but certainly, more context over the nature of the argument would be helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Inspire Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 Does he not have a good relationship with your friend(s)? I'd assume from his response that he didn't and that this wouldn't make him look bad but worse. (see where I am going with this?). Would he have been mad if he had to leave to drive you home? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrueRomance Posted June 5, 2019 Author Share Posted June 5, 2019 No he doesn’t but hindsight just talking to you and others repeating my story I’m realizing I need to let this one go as rough as it will he. He is very much into party mode and not goal oriented and I am. We also are moving backwards as opposed to forwards like the lease that I signed. I’m not perfect but I know this is something my self esteem can take much more of. He does have his qualities but his bad ones are just too much as far as abusive mentally and drinking like a fish with his buddies every night. He would have not have been mad but probably called me a drama queen or some kind of name . If it ruins his good time then he will get pissedDoes he not have a good relationship with your friend(s)? I'd assume from his response that he didn't and that this wouldn't make him look bad but worse. (see where I am going with this?). Would he have been mad if he had to leave to drive you home? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrueRomance Posted June 5, 2019 Author Share Posted June 5, 2019 Lots going on you are right! I want to say love but there is also a piece of me that has been beaten down emotionally that I almost feel that I need him. I do not want to feel this way and did break the chain before. He is immature and he would call me a disrespectful POS if I did that to him and believe me he’s all about respect. I want to just block him because to me after all the times that he has done this out of self esteem issues I crawl back. Also he won’t answer text nor phone so how do I dump him? I know his pattern and 3-4 days passed and he will act as if nothing happened. I know I have always deserved an apology from the pervious times but didn’t ask if he weren’t to volunteer one. I know I sound like a loser but when this cycle has been going on for a whole you lose sight of everything. I’ve realized there is no hope it’s just where to start? Sounds like he's an immature jerk. Dismissing what you say, hanging up on you ... dump his behind. Where, pray tell, did you get to inspiring idea to resume dating this guy? after you dump him, then dump the part of your brain that came up with that terrible idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Inspire Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 There is hope. You start by holding true to what you believe is the right way to treat someone and don't let others treat you the way he does. In his mind, it is acceptable because you've made it acceptable. All of this has become the new norm and it seems as if he is the one calling all of the shots. We all know what to expect from our partner's and they know what to expect from us, remember that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrueRomance Posted June 5, 2019 Author Share Posted June 5, 2019 Thank you all for the kind words. He still has not contacted me and I really don’t want him too. If he thinks that little of me to hang up not answer and go for days without speaking that is just unacceptable. My anxiety is starting to finally ease up but I definitely need to respect myself like everyone said. He is very used to this and I think the scary thing to me is if I do put my foot down he will leave me. I have been the glue or pushover this relationship. I don’t think he will change if I grow a backbone. It will hurt like crazy but I need to realize this is not going to stop as much as I wanted it to. Would it be crazy if I just blocked his number? I mean he has pretty much ignored me and will probably continue to do so and pretend nothing has happened. The more he does this the resent grows and it does nothing but add more tension and he is not an adult enough to realize this. Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 This man sounds extremely immature and like an alcoholic to me if he is truly out drinking every night until he's wasted. I'm glad you know your limits and I feel that a mature man who wanted to function as your partner and protector would be grateful for that and happy that you are getting home safely as opposed to driving drunk. Every episode of stonewalling would have me wondering if we were even together.... I understand taking a few hours to yourself and communicating that you need time to process--but outright ignoring you after hanging up on you for 4 days on end? That's not something anyone should have to put up with. I feel like that would make even a secure person have anxiety, or in the very least upset them enough to move on. I would expect this type of behavior from a poorly behaved 18-year-old, not a 43-year-old. Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 This is completely unacceptable behavior for a 40-something year old man. Rather than block him, I would just put all the plans in place for moving on, and if he contacts you I would politely tell him it's over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrueRomance Posted June 6, 2019 Author Share Posted June 6, 2019 Thank you healing light it has totally given me extreme anxiety and depression. He finally called me last night and then I admit I was so mad from this silent treatment I told him it was mean and cruel and I’m sick of it. He told me to shuttup again and then stonewalled me once again. I truly need to get away from this man, he doesn’t understand that when he does this I get upset and it builds up during the so called time outs or whatever. It’s an awful roller coaster that I ended up once again. He had the nerve to tell me I need therapy. Of course I need therapy to heal from this abusive treatment! Today has been awful I have just slept and cried meanwhile he is probably out just doing whatever. Either way I have to go no contact. The more I speak to him the worse it gets. I hope I can heal from him because everyone says just get over him but it’s not so easy when one has been abused for years with this silent treatment and etc This man sounds extremely immature and like an alcoholic to me if he is truly out drinking every night until he's wasted. I'm glad you know your limits and I feel that a mature man who wanted to function as your partner and protector would be grateful for that and happy that you are getting home safely as opposed to driving drunk. Every episode of stonewalling would have me wondering if we were even together.... I understand taking a few hours to yourself and communicating that you need time to process--but outright ignoring you after hanging up on you for 4 days on end? That's not something anyone should have to put up with. I feel like that would make even a secure person have anxiety, or in the very least upset them enough to move on. I would expect this type of behavior from a poorly behaved 18-year-old, not a 43-year-old. Link to post Share on other sites
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