Making sense of the young man's behavior toward me

[mle]

Greetings everyone. I hope some of you, esp. men, could help me make sense of this. (Note that nothing physical or explicit is involved here, just a lot of subtlety that needs explanations.)

 

To begin: Johnny, a very decent young man by all account was in the audience where I was invited to give a tutorial/training for several months.

 

He (told others that he) liked me for how I gave the tutorial lecture. He even sent a well-wishing message to me when I had to reschedule a session due to a health issue; until then I paid little attention to him as he’s way younger than I. I did like him as a good learner with a nice, polite demeanor. Very normal.

 

Some small subtle ways he behaved toward me were somewhat unexpected, though. E.g. displaying an obvious “blaming face” (the way people only do in close/intimate relationship) when he’s not happy/satisfied with what I did. I was honestly at a loss when I saw that expression. It’s as if he regarded me as more/closer than I was.

 

The last day when the tutorial concluded, Johnny stayed until everyone else was gone (until then he had never stayed till he’s the last one), and asked for an appointment on another day.

 

The day of the appointment, Johnny dressed more formally than he had ever been. There were other people beside us whom I was talking with. At one point when I casually praised someone I knew who did excellent work on the tutorial subject, I saw Johnny’s face instantly changed from happy smiling to upset. It was so uncalled for. I was totally at a loss. It seemed very personal; people do so only to those very close to them.

 

After the others left and only Johnny and I were in the room, I was looking at the stuffs he asked me about on my computer, he moved from standing in front of my desk to behind the desk and next to me, looking at the screen together (this was somewhat unusual, because I didn’t ask him to come over to my side, especially in view of him being a very polite person).

 

He stayed next to me chatting about things unrelated to work, such as where I lived, hobbies, etc., in no hurry to leave. I replied with very normal, almost indifferent tone. Finally he said good bye when the conversation didn’t seem to go anywhere.

 

The more I thought about it, it seemed that he came to the appointment with something special in mind, not work-related. Alas, I have since learned that he was, in fact, engaged to be married. That makes it all the more inexplicable the way he behaved toward me.

 

So my question is: WHY? What's the explanation of his behaviors toward me?

[PegNosePete]

Seems fairly simple to me.

 

He wanted to chat you up but was scared that you would either reject and ridicule him or report him to some authority. In the end he picked up from your indifferent tone that you weren't interested, or he simply bottled it, and left.

[stillafool]

Yeah he wanted to chat you up. What is the difference in age? Given that he is engaged to be married he may have sex with an older woman on his bucket list before he marries. Are you interested?

[OpenBook]

That is a little strange, but I wouldn't jump to conclusions. I agree, it did seem like he had some sort of agenda, but would he really "suit up" if he wanted to seduce you? I think asking you for a favor (such as a professional recommendation) might have been more likely. I would just chalk it up to youth and relative inexperience in the "social graces." It took a loooooonnnnnggg time for me to learn those graces when I was a spring chick. I am still learning them.

[mle]

Thanks for reading and for the replies, really appreciated.

 

I worried no one would read a too long post, so I didn’t finish the story. Also it helped to stop at that point so that you could relate to my feeling by that point (and subsequent surprise). Sincerely hope you understand... So l'll finish the story now:

 

Before the appointment meeting, I did consider the possibility that maybe he meant to ask for professional guidance and future working-together, so I even prepared for what advice to give him. But he didn’t ask for such.

 

After that meeting, my doubts were almost gone (at this time I still was totally unaware he had a girlfriend, let alone engaged). So I felt both happy and sad, even though I was unmarried and unattached. Huuuge age gap, I’ll just say. I thought: it’s going nowhere, no matter how we liked each other, but it’s a precious thing in life not to be thrown away lightly. He's truly a very decent and sweet young man, that's why I liked him so much.

 

Then came a message from him thanking me for all my help (not to brag, but I did help him a lot), in a very polite and formal tone, signed w/ full name. A sharp contrast to the meeting, so imagine my reaction. I thought maybe he felt rejected after that meeting and this was a farewell letter. So I sent a reply, letting him know clearly that I liked him very much and wished him the best and that I’d help him professionally whenever I can. Basically it’s a passionate message that declared a reciprocated liking, making it clear that even though nothing further would come out of it, I treasured it and truly wished him well in his future life. (It’s written decently and completely publishable, ha).

 

A few days passed when we met for the last time at a gathering. We chatted a little, but this time, his demeanor was that of, wow, I totally didn’t expect that, why did you say those, it made no sense, I didn’t expect that! He was polite (he always was), nice, but there was nothing like how he looked at that appointment meeting.

 

It was only later, after all these, that I learned from others that he had, in fact, been engaged to a long time gf...

I was dumbfounded. And have to wonder: WHY? Just can’t explain away some of his behaviors, especially during that appointment meeting. I would never have written him that now stupid-looking message if that meeting could be considered normal. WHY did he behave so? Obviously he was disappointed by something at the end of the meeting, so what was it that he had expected or hoped to happen? Did he plan an affectionate farewell to a favorite lecturer of his (how?), but taken aback by my declaration of liking him?

 

Hope some can help me decipher the mystery...

[preraph]

I mean, could he view you as someone who could further his career or something like that? To me, he sounds more like he dressed up for a job interview and then when you praised someone else's work, he was disheartened as maybe he was seeking to be an assistant or something??

 

He's engaged, so if anything, sounds like it couldn't have been more serious than maybe wanting to have sex if it wasn't about something else entirely. He could just be an attention seeker, too. I have a female friend who was always being inappropriate and buttering up her professors and she skated through school that way.

[mle]

That is a little strange, but I wouldn't jump to conclusions. I agree, it did seem like he had some sort of agenda, but would he really "suit up" if he wanted to seduce you? I think asking you for a favor (such as a professional recommendation) might have been more likely..

 

I mean, could he view you as someone who could further his career or something like that? To me, he sounds more like he dressed up for a job interview and then when you praised someone else's work, he was disheartened as maybe he was seeking to be an assistant or something??

 

He's engaged, so if anything, sounds like it couldn't have been more serious than maybe wanting to have sex if it wasn't about something else entirely. He could just be an attention seeker, too. I have a female friend who was always being inappropriate and buttering up her professors and she skated through school that way.

 

As I said, I also thought he might be asking for professional advice or working together on something before the meeting, but the was no sign of that during the meeting. When he stood next to me he was initiating topics about non-work related things, about everyday life.

 

The person I was praising was someone I had trained before, who went on to a prestigious institution, so no longer relevant. I was just casually mentioning about him because I had just learned about where he went. Didn't expect it seemed to hurt Johnny...

 

But he's very decent young man, very, to the point of being rare (wish there is a way to convince you, but it's by all/most account, he's very sweet), so anything physical is absolutely out of the question. This is why I liked him, and why it's hard to explain some of those happenings.

 

ETA: Considering your replies, and thinking back, yes, it now seems possible that he was planning to ask for some future advice, but may have been taken aback when I didn't seem to be anticipating it as he hoped. But still, he could have asked while standing in front of me, but he walked around to next me. Maybe he was just too shy to start asking?

Edited June 5, 2019 by mle

[Flame Aura]

I would like to say I really like the way you post, you set the scene and story out so clearly and methodically, was a pleasure to read!

 

 

Anyway if I had to guess, I would say he found you attractive, and wanted to find out exactly how 'far' he would be able to go with you. When you had your 1 on 1 'meeting' he went round the desk to see how you would react. When he realised you are not the type to cross the boundary between professional and personal, he stepped back as he knew he wasn't going to get what he potentially wanted.

 

 

The fact he is engaged does not exactly paint him as the 'good and sweet' person you claim he is. Although maybe he would have realised it was not worth risking his relationship, if you did reciprocate to his actions.

 

 

Sometimes men, especially those in relationships, like to test the waters with other women, so they feel they still 'have it'. What was going on in his head, only he knows. You handled it well though. I hope you find your special person in the future as you come across as a very thoughtful person.

[SmartDude]

I would not be surprised if he is a high functioning autistic person. Does he ever seem to not understand facial expressions or social context?

[GorillaTheater]

So I sent a reply, letting him know clearly that I liked him very much and wished him the best and that I’d help him professionally whenever I can. Basically it’s a passionate message that declared a reciprocated liking, making it clear that even though nothing further would come out of it, I treasured it and truly wished him well in his future life.

 

If you misjudged his intentions, and he was just being a nice, friendly guy, this would score an 11 on the making-things-awkward index.

[mle]

I would like to say I really like the way you post, you set the scene and story out so clearly and methodically, was a pleasure to read!

 

 

Anyway if I had to guess, I would say he found you attractive, and wanted to find out exactly how 'far' he would be able to go with you. When you had your 1 on 1 'meeting' he went round the desk to see how you would react. When he realised you are not the type to cross the boundary between professional and personal, he stepped back as he knew he wasn't going to get what he potentially wanted.

 

 

The fact he is engaged does not exactly paint him as the 'good and sweet' person you claim he is. Although maybe he would have realised it was not worth risking his relationship, if you did reciprocate to his actions.

 

 

Sometimes men, especially those in relationships, like to test the waters with other women, so they feel they still 'have it'. What was going on in his head, only he knows. You handled it well though. I hope you find your special person in the future as you come across as a very thoughtful person.

 

Thank you so very much!

 

Glad I asked here. It really helps me connecting the dots. It now occurred to me that likely the culprit of all this was the fact that we are both of the shy and modest type, so what we say or express could lead to misunderstanding when people don’t expect such shyness or modesty.

 

At the appointment meeting he talked about some weird real life example of the tutorial subject and what he could do to incorporate it in his work. I was unfamiliar w/ that example and outright admitted so. Maybe that was unexpected and disappointing to him.

 

On another occasion he asked me if I was very good in such and such, I humbly said I didn't consider myself to be so good, when in fact no one around there was better than I in the subject matter, but others were pretentious and would brag when they knew little.

 

Maybe his chatting next to me was simply due to shyness. He may have felt the need to warm up to the point when he could feel comfortable enough to initiate a request for further advice or working opportunity.

 

If this assumption is correct (and it seems to me now, thanks to the input here), then everything that seemed out of the norm could be just due to his unusual shy nature. And his showing particular friendliness to me was perhaps because he had from early on set his mind to later ask for further advice/help with working on the subject after the session was over.

 

Talk about how shyness could cause devastating consequence.

 

If you misjudged his intentions, and he was just being a nice, friendly guy, this would score an 11 on the making-things-awkward index.

 

So agree, and to my utter regret that turns out to be most likely the case! Can't take it back. And it has ruined the potential prospect of doing some interesting work together. (Is there anything I could do to apologize or ease the awkward result a bit?)

Edited June 5, 2019 by mle

[preraph]

I don't find it weird he moved where he could see your computer screen since you were talking about something on there.

[alphamale]

you are reading waaaay too much into this scenario

[mle]

I don't find it weird he moved where he could see your computer screen since you were talking about something on there.

 

If it were someone else, it would not be so unexpected, and even then it would be a bit rude. Usually they just stood there unless I say, come and take a look. But he continued staying next to me (slightly behind me) for the remaining time just chatting about everyday life totally unrelated to the work subject. Maybe he just wanted to get closer and to talk more casually before bringing up the request...

[mle]

you are reading waaaay too much into this scenario

 

Haha, he was being too nice to me personally. There were expressions that can't be put in words. I could make him laugh a lot. Oh well. What a ruin.

[OpenBook]

I don't find it weird he moved where he could see your computer screen since you were talking about something on there.

 

I don't either. Millennials in particular - without even thinking about it - will break the 3-feet-of-personal-space rule when noodling over technology together.

[basil67]

I'm Gen X and I don't find it weird to bend in over a computer together.

 

OP - I have to say that I don't find anything questionable in any of this man's behaviour. I think you're simply reading too much into it.

[OpenBook]

I worried no one would read a too long post, so I didn’t finish the story. Also it helped to stop at that point so that you could relate to my feeling by that point (and subsequent surprise). Sincerely hope you understand...

 

These "subsequent" details you provided paint a somewhat different picture than what you described in the OP. At first you portrayed yourself as indifferent to him attraction-wise, and your interest in him was limited to the teacher/mentor role. But your later clarifications seem to indicate that you were in fact attracted to him. Maybe his weird behavior was a result of confusion over his perception of mixed signals from you? similar to how you've laid out the circumstances here?

 

If not, it might be that he interpreted your interest & help you gave him as something more than just being a great teacher - and that's why he "got personal" with you (because he perceived that YOU were getting personal). When I like someone, I show it - whether I intend to reveal it or not. I can't hide it. Some guys interpret that as a sign of sexual interest, when I am just being friendly and liking them as a person. Maybe you have the same problem? Can't hide it when you become fond of someone?

[mle]

These "subsequent" details you provided paint a somewhat different picture than what you described in the OP. At first you portrayed yourself as indifferent to him attraction-wise, and your interest in him was limited to the teacher/mentor role. But your later clarifications seem to indicate that you were in fact attracted to him. Maybe his weird behavior was a result of confusion over his perception of mixed signals from you? similar to how you've laid out the circumstances here?

 

If not, it might be that he interpreted your interest & help you gave him as something more than just being a great teacher - and that's why he "got personal" with you (because he perceived that YOU were getting personal). When I like someone, I show it - whether I intend to reveal it or not. I can't hide it. Some guys interpret that as a sign of sexual interest, when I am just being friendly and liking them as a person. Maybe you have the same problem? Can't hide it when you become fond of someone?

 

I know, I'm sorry to have to divide the story into two posts because of the length.

 

To answer: no, I didn't show any sign of liking him. In fact I was very indifferent (I'm very good at hiding my feelings, ha, which can be a bad thing sometimes.) That's why he's so unsure and didn't ask for advice until the last day. But I did help him a lot, just because he was a good learner and was so nice. I only started wondering after his repeated "out of the norm" friendliness. I couldn't explain it, and when I thought the only explanation was he's interested in me, I was shocked, truly, but flattered, of course. To me he was "a nice boy". But I never, ever showed anything special whatsoever, because I wasn't even sure. I believe I actually showed a confused look on some occasions. I made everyone during my lecture, and he, in particular, liked to laugh. He definitely enjoyed learning with me. If he didn't give me those wrong signals, I would never, ever have started this wild imagination episode. I truly hope he also learned not to be too friendly to others, although I haven't got a chance to tell him...

 

Now I begin to see it more and more clearly. I think that from early on he started thinking of asking me to continue to mentor him after the session finished, but he was not confident about whether I'd accept it. He was so nice and friendly to me, even sending well wishing message, because of this untold plan. He made that appointment in hope to speak out this wish. But he was too shy and needed to get encouraging sign before speaking out. Unfortunately we misinterpreted each other. I was waiting for him to say whatever he was planning to say, but he didn't see any explicit encouragement for that.

 

This reminds me of my own share of the fault when I was about his age. Once in a homework that I submitted to the (male) teacher, I wrote something that was a hinted compliment for his integrity (who was much much older than I, too). Only years later it dawned on me how he must have misinterpreted it: at some point he suddenly became hostile to me, because he realized I had never been interested in his person, and that compliment was just a sincere compliment. Now I can understand how my casual "irresponsible" compliment caused some unintended psychological crisis. But I trust I am better than him. I would never be hostile to Johnny.

 

I am so grateful to all of you who provided your input on this. I can't believe that within one day the "mystery" that had been puzzling me for so many days have been solved! It really helps to ask. Thank you!

Edited June 6, 2019 by mle