Does this mean anything??

[VSgirl]

My boyfriend and I were together about a year. He broke up with me during a minor phone argument a few months into the relationship and begged me to come back with him about 60 days later. I did not contact him at all before he asked me back. We got back together and I had a medical issue that brought us closer together and I moved in with him a few months ago.

One thing that was a pattern throughout the relationship was that my bf would overreact to things like the phone argument that broke us up the first time. He also had some issues from his childhood he had never gotten professional help for and he opened up to me quite frequently about it, even crying in my arms. In addition, he really didn't have any friends..I did and he never tried to keep me from them.

 

Back in late April, a few days after us spending Easter together and him saying he felt like I was one of the only people he could be fully himself around and getting emotional about it..my bf and I had a small fight about money. He was suggesting I pursue bankruptcy due to the fact I had been out of work a couple of months due to my medical issue (a dislocated kneecap) . I was just feeling stressed about money and felt this was an overboard suggestion and vocalized that to him.

I had just gotten my masters degree a few months before and was about to be in a job that paid significantly more. I raised my voice but didn't say anything horrible or call him names or anything like that. I profusely apologized and he wouldnt listen.

 

He left and didnt come home that night. He wouldn't answer his phone. The next day he broke up with me, not giving any reason except "he wasn't happy" and he tried so hard to make it work. My bf was frequently unhappy about other stuff not related to the relationship and we had shared a good amount of happy times recently up until that point. Sex life was good and all that. He was also known to threaten breakups during arguments. He couldn't say he didn't love me. I tried to tell him how much I cared once again.

 

Long story short...I came back to get some stuff later that night with my mom using my key. I thought he was gone since he had taken some clothes with him before when my mom came to help me and he'd left before us. Plus his car was not outside his building. He was home and was drunk as a skunk. I'd never seen him drunk the whole time I'd been with him. He seemed very unhappy and angry. He yelled at me and my mom and said I was a failure at life and I had to be or I would have never been with him. It was also said I was never going to be successful as a teacher and a parent, because a woman can't be good at both. And a bunch of other stuff. He told us to get the f$$%% out and was still yelling when I left.

 

I also found out from a friend that he LOST HIS JOB after our breakup, so I thought he might feel regret or be missing me.

 

I have been staying at my mom's house and cannot drive temporarily due to my knee injury. Due to her busy work schedule and waiting for some friends to help, I had to wait to get the rest of my stuff until tonight. I had not contacted him or heard from him since the breakup. I only went up there for a few minutes tonight since my friends and mom agreed to pack up my stuff and bring it down. I just wanted to make sure I didnt forget anything.

 

When I went up there, he was sitting in his computer chair turned to the side and just kept staring at me. There were fast food wrappers all over the apartment and he looked a mess. I didn't say anything and just waited for everyone to finish up. I got the feeling he wanted to speak to me alone, but I never was alone with him. Finally he said "Im not angry any more" and I said, " What are you then?" and he said "I'm sorry, I'm sorry things didn't work out between us". I didn't say anything and walked out the door.

 

What I am wanting to know is whether anyone thinks that my ex wants me back and regrets his decision based on his actions/the state he was in. Losing his job after we broke up, his place being a mess, him looking a mess etc.That maybe he wants me back but feels ashamed of himself for yelling at me and my mom and breaking up on a whim.

 

I know there are reasons that I probably should not go back. And I have many friends that have told me I was the best thing in his life (he often called me his best friend and I encouraged and believed in him) and that he probably misses that. It has also been said that he probably has mental issues (extreme mood changes over the course of the relationship, bailing on me etc). I still genuinely miss him even though I know he treated me badly. Part of me wants to reconcile and would be willing to go to counseling with him. Even though I have other good friends, I felt like he was my best friend. At any rate, I am a religious person and have prayed about this situation and felt no peace about it.

 

But I just honestly want to hear honest opinions and advice on the situation. We went through a lot together and I can't believe he would just feel nothing and be okay with this. I hadn't heard from him during the time we were apart..but he did this the last time. His pattern would suggest he would try to get me back again right? I just want some advice dealing with it one way or another.

[Lostinmyhead]

Sounds like it'd be a cyclical pattern, either way. Easier said than done, but he has a lot of self introspection/therapy that needs to be done to address his wishy washy behavior.

 

Yes, he will probably want the safety net back. No, you shouldn't allow it. If nothing has changed the results will be the same and he will assume you're plan B.

 

Goodluck

[basil67]

His current state likely reflects depression. I can’t see that he wants you back, and even if he did, you shouldn’t return. There are better men out there.

[Redhead14]

Good lord, dear. It doesn't matter whether he wants you back. This is not the way a good relationship should be. It's toxic. He clearly has some issues that are way outside of your skill set to deal with. You don't want a man who needs to be fixed. You have way too much on your plate and too much going for you to be dealing with this kind of thing.

 

 

 

Keep moving and don't look back.

[stillafool]

Why in the world would you want to go back to this man child? He is not your best friend as a friend would not treat you this way. I wish women would stop calling abusive boyfriends their best friend. If he wants you back it's because he needs you to support him financially and mentally. You are not his mother so stop acting like it. This is not LOVE!

[preraph]

He has a big mental problem. He needs to get into therapy by himself and stay there for quite a while. I'm going to assume he has terrible self-esteem because of the comment he made. That isn't something having a nice girlfriend can fix. He doesn't feel he even deserves happiness or success. He needs to sort himself out with a therapist over a long-term before he is going to be at all ready for a relationship.

 

if you stay with him it is always going to be a struggle. don't you think you deserve someone who can be more supportive and rational? My theory is that if you can love him, you can surely love someone a little more mentally healthy than him. You should want more for yourself. I'm sure you are not the first person who has suggested he needs therapy and the fact he hasn't gone and gotten it if that is the case is a sign that he really again doesn't want to improve and feel better and succeed.

[nolanola]

Honestly? He sounds awful. This guy has YEARS of therapy and introspection ahead of him before he can be a good partner for anyone and in a healthy relationship. One day, you will look back and thank your lucky stars that he broke up with you as he did. Don't let this guy be the anchor around you that drags you down.

[Orokotikki]

Let exes stay exes.

 

Don't try to fix people, they need to fix themselves, otherwise they will never learn how to.

 

They don't need you to fix them, and you don't need to fix them.

Tackle your own problems and improve your life and you are more likely to find someone else doing the same and the two of you can become much more.

 

Otherwise you are less than the sum of the two individuals.

You shouldn't let someone treat like they did.

His issues do not excuse his behavior. Maybe poppy hit him or whatever, that shouldn't give him a pass to treat you like dirt - which it really sounds like he did imho, and if you don't think so you should really examine why you don't think so.

[VSgirl]

Thank you for the feedback. One poster mentioned that he was hit at as a child which I heard directly from him. He was also shuffled back and forth between his grandparents and mom, bullied, and molested. His family was not there for him and I was. I guess he could have been lying about all this, but I take these issues seriously and as truth unless proven otherwise.

 

I beat myself up about the breakup a lot. Both breakups actually, as he acted like he had no faults in the relationship and that everything was my fault. It was always changing with him, one moment things were crazy great (he was happy to do something nice), then he was in the depths of despair and angry at me. I had faults in the relationship, especially being too clingy. I can work on that and I will. But I think it was partially due to his unstable behavior. I wasn't worried he was cheating on me, but I worried about him bailing/leaving since he threatened to do so from time to time. Even after we had shared a happy day/time/week together this happened. He was very standoffish to most people and seemed to open up and have the best time with me. Part of me felt he was trying to live his childhood again since his was rough, because he'd be so happy during our outings together and then get very self involved.

 

He complained about paying for some things for me while I was out of work due to my knee and it was very hurtful. We were planning to get married and he had said he was okay with sharing money and being there for eachother. I asked him repeatedly if he wanted me to pay him back and he said no. I paid for some things as well even when I was home from work. Even before he got fired, I stood/still stand to make a lot more money than he did at his job. I would have been there to support him and I definitely did that already.

[stillafool]

Look, you are not his mother or his saviour. He is a grown man and needs to work out his own life. I'm sorry that he was abused as a child but he isn't the only one. It is up to him to get help and sort his shyt out, not you. If you did "fix him" he would leave you. I've seen it happen too many times. He's right you deserve better so you should go fine it.

[basil67]

VSgirl, the extra information you gave about him and the relationship are more reasons to stay away.

[amaysngrace]

It doesn’t matter what he means. He’s unstable.

 

You’re asking here because you can’t make sense of him. What fun is that?

[d0nnivain]

You are going to be a successful teacher. As much as you think you love him, he's not in a healthy place. You can't fix him. You are better off just letting him go, since he already broke up with you.

 

Take time to heal your knee & your broken heart. Throw yourself into your new job.

 

You will be OK in time.

[VSgirl]

D0nnievain, thank you for the kind words and support. Thank you to everyone that posted in response to my post. I am having a tough time with this situation still as anyone can imagine. I still sometimes blame myself for the breakup, but then I come back here and look at the posts everyone wrote to remind myself that my ex has issues.

 

I have not reached out or contacted my ex. I am in my thirties and have been in other relationships/spent plenty of time in my adult life being single. However, I am really struggling. There are more things that I have not mentioned that my ex said to me over the course of my relationship that I am struggling with. For instance, my ex threatened to breakup with me a few times during an argument as I said before, and during one of the times he said all these things he later said were untrue. He said he must have had a panic attack and pushed me away. He said I was fat, he only got back together with me out of loneliness, that I wasn't that good sexually (that he could do better) and that he never wanted marriage or kids with me. I was horrified but questioned it, because it went against everything we talked about our whole relationship. He had talked about us getting married in depth, kids, our future etc. He always said how much he liked our sex life and was very affectionate during. Anyway, he apologized and started bawling and saying he didn't know why he said all those things and of course I wasn't fat etc.

 

The thing is..my weight has always been something I have felt insecure about. I have friends/family members who weigh both more and less than me. I take after my dad's side of the family and I've never been a total skinny minnie, but am skinnier than a lot of my relatives. I was working out more the last few months, but have not even been able to drive my car since my injury, since my knee won't bend much...so I haven't been able to go the gym. My ex was thinner when I first met him, but had gained some weight over the course of our relationship. He worked in a physical job and had strong arms, but ate a lot including junk food. He told me he felt self conscious about it and I told him I still loved and was just as attracted to him. I told him he could start working out/work out together when my knee healed. I was very supportive. He made a comment to me later on that he thought I had gained some weight due to being pretty immobile with my knee and said I shouldnt eat so many fried foods or drink any soda. He was helping with dinner a lot/taking us out due to my injury. He later apologized but he wound up yelling at me and making me feel really bad. I weighed myself and was the same weight as before my injury. I'm not saying I can't eat healthier, but it really rocked my confidence. I think maybe he was taking his own weight gain out on me some too.

 

So I have tried to get on a couple free dating apps. I figured it wouldn't hurt since I am home a lot temporarily with my injury. I don't do hookups, but figured dating wouldn't hurt. Also, my mom/friend offered to give me a ride if I have a date or first meeting. I have accurate and flattering pics on my profiles and have seemed to hit it off in conversations with a few guys. They all claim to be fine with dating to get to know someone for a potential relationship. One was from bumble, two were from plenty of fish. The first one on bumble unmatched me after us talking for 3-4 hours multiple times and seeming to have many interests in common. Our final conversation ended fine...he was an engineer and said he would have more free time soon. He just vanished. Second guy knew I had gotten out of a relationship two months ago, he asked a little about it. I just said the guy had some depression issues and broke up with me twice. He said he was sorry I had to deal with that and the conversation went fine. Then he messaged me the next day. Randomly, he stopped talking to me. I tried to message him one other time just to see if he got busy no answer. And now the guy that I have been talking to for the last week has gone no answer after asking for a birthday pic..I told him I'd send one of me in a towel. I showed the pic to my mom and she said it was unflatttering of me. I just don't know what to do.

[preraph]

Just so you know, most people find online dating really demoralizing. So don't start feeling like it's just you. Most people get very disheartened because no one they're attracted to is attracted to them. With women,as you might expect, they get guys who just want sex but aren't honest about it.

 

It's probably not the best thing for someone whose ex has already tried to make them feel bad about themself. I would just encourage you to try to be social and see friends and I see you have a transportation limitation, but maybe take up a new hobby that other people meet up for. There is all kinds of stuff on the "Meetup.com." Just look in your area for meetups on stuff you're interested in. It will at least get you out of the house and there are some for dating but mostly a lot for just people with common interests. Maybe take up something active, like hiking. But it can be a paranormal group, a food group. Anything and everything. Maybe that's your first foray back out instead of the brutal environment that is online dating.

[d0nnivain]

You are no where near ready to date again. Get off the dating sites. They will destroy your soul at present because they require a THICK skin which you don't have right now.