Cutting off a toxic friendship

[Iris The Butterfly]

I’ve worked with this person for less than two years. We became close as we are the same age and at the time were both single, no kids, and could relate to each other in that way. Over the year or so we’ve been friends we have gone to coffee breaks or lunch, occasionally will do a weekend get together like brunch, not too often. Usually the time we spend together is surrounding work. She spilled her personal life in the beginning, as she was going through a breakup and tends to overshare. That’s how we started talking to begin with. She was getting out of a long term relationship. Over the following months I became open about the guy I was dating at the time and the heartbreak that ensued for me. So… basically we were commiserating. Both in a heartbroken place. Since then I've been in a new relationship for going on 8 months now.

 

The last straw for our friendship was yesterday. She sent a text “All the good men my age are taken, so I guess I’ll have to wait 5-10 years for the divorces to come through”. I found that really negative and underhanded, she was specifically referring to a married guy at work that she likes. My response was simply, “Or date older men.” And that spurred a rampage of texts from her. She went off on, “Well men in their 40s never married have serious issues (referring to my bf who is in his 40s who she’s never met but decided she doesn’t like). I feel like we’re not even friends anymore, your comment was snarky, why do you feel I was personally attacking you, then went on and on about my relationship and how it’s my problem not hers and criticizing my bf when he does or doesn’t do xyz, like I had to prove something or try and win her approval…. She used what happened when I confided in her recently about a rough patch I had with him over a month ago or so AGAINST me! Instead of, “I’m glad I was there for you”, it was, “how many times did you come over and talk to me about it, I spent HOURS talking to you?” (like it was a chore). The long and short of it is, she disapproves of my relationship, even though I’m very happy, because I was upset at the time. She has a personal battle herself with the issue that came up with my bf. I feel like she took the whole situation far worse than I did. The real question is: Why does she give a crap?? I really don’t believe it’s because she cares about me anymore. A person who truly loves you as a friend wouldn’t razz you up, or break you down when you’re happy, or criticize someone you love, or take advantage. I confided in a couple friends about an issue that came up in my relationship and I feel I overshared with someone who I can’t trust. The others that I told about this issue have a completely different reaction and fully support my relationship… because my bf and I are in love and very happy. It makes me wonder…why wouldn’t a supposed ‘friend’ support their friend in their happiness? Because they don’t want them to be?? Seems the only reason.

 

I began getting annoyed last week when we had made plans. I texted to confirm and she said yes. I offered the plan, how about you meet me here, etc. Then it was, “sorry I misunderstood, I thought you were picking me up. I don't want to go there, I don’t want to spend money, I just got all these procedures done. Sorry.” I said, No, I wasn’t planning to drive down there. We were going to a place 20 minutes east already. To pick her up would be 40 minutes round trip on top of that. It is not the first time I have been ‘assumed’ to be picking her up, going out of the way to do so and her not offering gas, or something in exchange. Then a day later she asks if I wanted to go to an event (that costs money) and I said, “no thanks, funds are tight this month.” Which they are. Then began the messages yesterday.

 

She was being really petty and attacking, stirring up things that didn’t even matter, bringing her opinion into my relationship, saying how I’m defensive because I know she’s right about my bf, really being immature. She said, “I don’t want to talk about this right now anymore. Please don’t bring it up.” Me: “Ok, I hear ya. I won’t.” (I’m thinking… geez… I don’t want to.)

I came back later to find more rambling messages (this is on Instagram messenger btw, we always usually text). “Why do you feel I’m personally attacking you? This is bull****, etc.” I can’t even get into it. Basically she was going on and on about how upset it made her that I took her dumba** meme personally. I said, ‘that seems really petty. ‘I didn’t take anything you said personally’… then she kept going on. I responded but then realized she had blocked me (this was an IG message).

 

So yeah…. her behavior last night has put the nail in the coffin as far as our friendship. My question is how do I deal with it at work? No, I can’t move desks. I have a strong feeling she will approach me or text me to ‘talk’. She likes drama and will confront when she feels ready. As far as I’m concerned the blocking me and being so against what makes me happy is reason enough to prove she only wanted the friendship when SHE was down, and when I was too. Now that I can’t commiserate with her and feel sorry for myself about how ‘all the good ones are taken’, she wants to break me down, I feel. Some people are negative and only like you when you’re down. And when you’re doing better than they are, they try to bring you down and stir up drama. I have no room for drama in my life so I’m happy to cut off the relationship.

 

Question is how do I do that at work, and tips on enforcing boundaries when she decides it’s time to have the confrontation?

Edited June 6, 2019 by littlebridge

[amaysngrace]

Just tell her to let it go because you have. And say “I’m over it” in a very emotionless tone. If she wants to talk just say you can’t do this right now.

 

She’ll get the idea.

[preraph]

I've got to nitpick first. Her saying she guessed all the good men were taken and she would have to wait until they divorced was a joke, and you made it into something serious and super negative. People say that kind of stuff all the time.

 

And then because you didn't take it as a joke and got all dark about it, she took a dig at your relationship.

 

So I think you kind of started this one, I'm sorry.

 

Now, I do think especially office friendships run their course. If either of you left, you'd probably never see each other again anyway. How do you deal with it if you're not getting along anymore? Just act professionally, but stop contacting her and be polite and brief if she contacts you. Don't keep fighting.

[Iris The Butterfly]

I've got to nitpick first. Her saying she guessed all the good men were taken and she would have to wait until they divorced was a joke, and you made it into something serious and super negative. People say that kind of stuff all the time.

 

And then because you didn't take it as a joke and got all dark about it, she took a dig at your relationship.

 

So I think you kind of started this one, I'm sorry.

 

Now, I do think especially office friendships run their course. If either of you left, you'd probably never see each other again anyway. How do you deal with it if you're not getting along anymore? Just act professionally, but stop contacting her and be polite and brief if she contacts you. Don't keep fighting.

Apparently she took it the same way you did. My response honestly was with hardly a thought. I was in the middle of a busy work day and it was really like afterthought. I told her that and she was already blowing a fuse so it was too late. I think it’s incredibly petty that someone would even get razzed up about it. My main concern is that she takes digs about my relationship. She’s never even met my boyfriend and at this rate never will. How is it even ok for someone to react that way in response to a thoughtless comment about a dumb meme?? I mean, really?! As if that wasn’t enough the fact she blocked me on the platform we were communicating just shows me the true colors. I have no desire to keep the friendship. I don’t vibe with her lifestyle and choices and I don’t want to work it out. No apology is needed, honestly I stopped caring when she blocked me.

 

Passed her in the hall earlier and she completely ignored me. I guess that makes it easier.

 

I just know that a true friend would be happy for your happiness and not make digs at you or someone you love. My other friends do that. I’ll be working here for some time, just trying to make it ‘comfortable’ and not get sucked back into the drama.

Edited June 6, 2019 by littlebridge

[elaine567]

You seem to be excessively defensive about your large age gap relationship.

You are 34 dating a 48yo, many people will see that as odd, not only your friend who I guess is only looking out for your best interests.

Also, when we go seeking advice from friends about rocky patches in our relationships, it is not really their fault if they then think our choice of partner is a bit suspect...

[Iris The Butterfly]

You seem to be excessively defensive about your large age gap relationship.

You are 34 dating a 48yo, many people will see that as odd, not only your friend who I guess is only looking out for your best interests.

Also, when we go seeking advice from friends about rocky patches in our relationships, it is not really their fault if they then think our choice of partner is a bit suspect...

 

I didn’t mention my age on this thread and it’s completely irrelevant to this thread. I have nothing to feel defensive about the age gap. I’m very happy. Who cares? I don’t care what people think.

 

I said in response to her comment about wanting to date a married man in our office when he got divorced, making a joke of it. “Or date older men” and her response was a very direct and focused dig against my boyfriend.

Yes, I regret confiding in someone I thought was a friend....

[Iris The Butterfly]

I don’t consider someone who is ‘looking out for my best interests’ to be someone who would block me and make personal digs against me. My true friends don’t and wouldn’t ever do that. I don’t do that.

 

I think a lot of people are just what they call haters. They rain negativity and pick someone apart using their vulnerabilities against them. It’s cruel.

Edited June 6, 2019 by littlebridge

[preraph]

Again, you were too quick to be defensive when the conversation first started. Once that happens, it sets the trend for what follows. My best advice in general would be that this is a bit of a habit with you. You're overly defensive, too easily offended (you projected that onto her), but it's a simple enough fix to not lose friends over it. Just slow down and don't not think about what you're saying before you say it. Mull it over. Realize when you're in person you can tell when someone is being funny or making a joke by their body language, but on text or email, it can easily be misread. Everything seems harsher in text or email.

 

For example, if I was on the phone with my friend and I could hear her kid in the background bugging her and she said, I've got to go. Talk to you later, I'd know exactly what was going on. If we were in the middle of a text conversation and she said, "I've got to go. Talk to you later," it would seem abrupt and rude and I'd wonder if I'd said something to bore her!

[anika99]

It's weird that you called her comment about all the good men are taken, underhanded. How is that comment underhanded? That's just such a strange thing to say as underhanded refers to someone doing something in secret to gain an advantage. Her text wasn't a secret and didn't have any advantages.

 

Now I'm not saying your fried is right or defending her behaviour but there really are two sides to every conflict. You posted a lot about what she say and does without mentioning anything you do that might push her buttons.

 

In any case it does sound like this friendship has run it's course. You two were in a similar place when you met and enjoyed commiserating. Now she is probably feeling like she lost her commiserating buddy and feels some resentment and jealousy over that. Meanwhile you have a new bf and have moved on from that place so now you judge her for not moving on as you have. You two dont' have anything in common anymore so the friendship needs to end but I don't see anyone as the villain here

[whichwayisup]

When a friendship begins to sour like this (unless it's one that has many years and a long history) it's time to let it go. You two have grown apart and aren't seeing life in the same way. You've healed and moved on, she hasn't and is still in a negative complaining frame of mind.

 

Be polite and kind to her at work but distance yourself from her as much as you can. Keep conversations light and professional If she tries to talk to you about personal stuff (recent issues between the two of you etc) tell her work isn't the place to discuss it and you'd rather not get into it.

[snowcones]

Ugh. I honestly could not read past half-way into the second paragraph. It definitely seems like one or both of you is too sensitive or touchy for the other. Just end the friendship now because this will come up again. Just in a different format.

 

 

I know this because one of my oldest friendships (35 years) has turned into something like this. Of course I have a hard time letting go because of our history and past closeness, but people change, you know? She says I have done or said things that have hurt her feelings and she acts really hurt/upset etc. but I honestly never say anything to intentionally hurt her and one thing I don't even remember ever saying. I have apologized profusely but it's quite exhausting maneuvering her unknown feelings and I find myself wondering what happened to the cool and carefree friend and confidant I used to know in high school? Life is hard.

[The Outlaw]

If she's blocked you, she's done with you. Unless she feels she's entitled to the last word, she may not even say anything to you at work. If she does, and there's any more negative BS, brush it off. Don't let her win. To me, she just sounds jealous over your relationship. And some people, unfortunately, can be so consumed with it they just feel the need to bring you down when they're down. She's done you a tremendous favor. At least you know who she really is.

[guest569]

I think it sounds like you two spend a little bit too much time together and can't handle each other. You both seem a bit oversensitive to what the other says and thinks. Build a littlebridge and get over it. Just be polite and professional at work, but maintain that personal distance.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Work has gone by for a couple weeks since this all happened. We crossed each other in the hall a week or so ago and I said "hi" but she totally ignored me. She blocked me on Instagram where we had that conversation that lit a fire under her. I figured she'd be reaching out or wanting to smooth things over but it seems like she's done. I don't miss the friendship if I think about it, so no harm done. Our time together outside of work was based mainly on bitching about our dating woes. I don't have any anymore. I also didn't want to hear about her poor choices in pursuing men who weren't that interested in her... I felt her lifestyle and mine didn't jive anymore. Like I said before some people only want to be friends with you when you're on their level. When you're not anymore, the friendship ends. I guess that's what happened. Not a true friend worth keeping. My best friends and I have seen each other through the best and the worst and we care about each others' happiness when we're happy and build each other up when we're down, not want to keep them down. Not a friend worth keeping, and I'm ok with that.

 

She would say things like "I care about your happiness" or "I'm on your side", but I felt... if she's not actually supporting me when I'm happy, how can she be a friend? A friend isn't someone who is only there for the bad times, or the good times for that matter.

 

When I see her at work, I'll just say hello, but not engage.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

As someone who is personally going through something similar your entitled to feel what you feel and not be okay with people who you are beginning to distrust, which sounds like you are.

 

If your done you are done! If your not my friend for a reason, your only here for a season.

 

Seems like you need more consistency in friendships and no one can blame you for that.

 

I think it sounds like she's jealous to be honest.

[rainbow12]

She shouldn't dig at your relationship even tho you are happy. Just say she thinks you could do a lot better than him she shouldn't be so blunt and offensive about it. She shouldn't be so annoyed over you talking to her multiple times about him. I mean that's what friends are for, they are there to listen to you no matter how many times you tell them over and over your problem. They are meant to never get bored and meant to listen to you always. So, You did the right thing in ending it. Real friends don't be snarky they just give a polite advise of their opinions and that is that.

[2much4]

Our time together outside of work was based mainly on bitching about our dating woes. I don't have any anymore. I also didn't want to hear about her poor choices in pursuing men who weren't that interested in her... I felt her lifestyle and mine didn't jive anymore. Like I said before some people only want to be friends with you when you're on their level. When you're not anymore, the friendship ends.

 

She would say things like "I care about your happiness" or "I'm on your side", but I felt... if she's not actually supporting me when I'm happy, how can she be a friend? A friend isn't someone who is only there for the bad times, or the good times for that matter.

 

There is probably a lot more going on, and this has been the result of several months of frustration. You both are probably super touchy by now, which is also why she reacted this strongly to your thoughtless comment.

 

I have had a similar conflict with a friend I cared about a lot. She is not my friend anymore, but I considered her to be one of my closest friends. Things really escalated, and I started taking digs at her boyfriend (whom I had never met either). The reason was pretty much the things I quoted above....I felt like she was disagreeing with my life choices, feeling "above my level", and not even making an effort to try and hide it. That hurt.

 

Also, while she loved her boyfriend, it was a unusual kind of relationship, and I felt offended that she'd look down on me when her own choices were not the best.

 

It is easy to be happy for a friend who makes you feel like their equal, but once you feel like it's a competition or that the other is looking down on you, it becomes very hard.

 

I really think this friendship has run it's course. Once you get to that point, there's usually no coming back. My bet would be this is not really (or only) about your relationship though. I have very happily married friends with whom I never had this type of problem, even after my worst break ups. The difference was they never made me feel judged for being dumped or unhappy.

 

Not trying to put blame on you, just trying to show you another perspective. Your friend was probably hurt too.

Edited July 1, 2019 by 2much4

[Iris The Butterfly]

There is probably a lot more going on, and this has been the result of several months of frustration. You both are probably super touchy by now, which is also why she reacted this strongly to your thoughtless comment. It is easy to be happy for a friend who makes you feel like their equal, but once you feel like it's a competition or that the other is looking down on you, it becomes very hard.

 

Thank you. I very rarely have conflicts with female friends so it hits hard and upset me, but I agree with what you're saying. It just ran its course. We never speak at all anymore, if we pass at work just 'excuse me' or whatever. I don't believe I ever made her feel I was looking down on her... but what really upset me the most is that she reacted so strongly when I made that totally innocent and thoughtless, meaningless comment... just a remark, "or you could just date older"... then she hailed down a swarm of insults and judgments bout my bf which was totally uncalled for. And the fact that she actually blocked me... showed me at the time she had no interest in talking further. I definitely would have talked it over, but she shut it down, so that made the decision for me. I'm not one to leave things unresolved, but I guess she figured she didn't think the confrontation was worth it. I would've squashed it, said sorry we don't see eye to eye on things, but she just didn't want to talk at all.

 

I found that once I got more involved in my relationship she wasn't happy for me in the way a true friend would be. I remember the night he asked me to be 'official' and it turned out to be over a phone call. He had struggled to voice his feelings so he had been quiet for a day or so and was nervous to ask and reveal how he felt. Still in communication but I could tell distant. At the time I was freaking out because it was early on and I didn't know or feel as secure as I do now. I had voiced my anxiety to her and that he hadn't been in touch as frequently for the day or two prior... and I was panicking, sure he was going to ghost me (I've been burned). When he called she was with me, and I went in the other room to talk to him. He revealed his feelings for me and we made it 'official/exclusive/boyfriend/girlfriend conversation that night! I was so relieved and happy when I returned. She was really negative... almost like she was jealous. Yes, I've confided in her about my insecurities and my concerns or things that have come up and passed in my relationship... but when I tell her I'm really happy... she seemed to try and find fault either way. Our final conversation was the last straw for me. She said something like, "seems like older guys never married all have issues"; "when he does xyz, then I'll support your relationship" etc. I've shared the same things with other female friends and what makes them different (and friends) is that their concern is that I'm happy. I'm very happy, and they see that, so they are happy for me. They don't say, "well, who gives a %&^& if you're happy now, you weren't happy the other day!" I completely can relate to not being 10000% behind a friend's choices, but if that person is my true friend I don't question or undermine their happiness.

 

I have a best friend for 20 years. We have always kept in touch and for sure have seen each other at our best and worst. She's been through a bad relationship, and I was witness to how bad it could be. I told her once, "if you take him back after this, I don't want to hear about it." And true to her word, she never talked about him again. All I cared about was whether she was happy, and that I did ask about. When she said yes, I was satisfied, didn't press or question, and was happy for her. I think that's what a real friend does.

 

I didn't really like many of the work friend's lifestyle choices and to be honest, I was/am in a happy place and I wasn't really about wallowing about how shi^&&y online dating is, or complaining about getting mixed messages, or her fawning over a married man in our office and making jokes about how she'd have to wait for him to get divorced... I mean, this is a really nice guy with two very young children and a wife she even said she really liked. But to make comments about how she wants to be with him? I just didn't really want to keep the friendship after that, and combined with everything. But I never did make that known... I didn't express that I didn't agree with her choices and behaviors. It isn't my place. I just listened and offered my input when asked, or commiserated.

 

Misery loves company, right? Seemed when I stopped being miserable she grew tired of the company and vice versa.

[Silvia11]

I’ve worked with this person for less than two years. We became close as we are the same age and at the time were both single, no kids, and could relate to each other in that way. Over the year or so we’ve been friends we have gone to coffee breaks or lunch, occasionally will do a weekend get together like brunch, not too often. Usually the time we spend together is surrounding work. She spilled her personal life in the beginning, as she was going through a breakup and tends to overshare. That’s how we started talking to begin with. She was getting out of a long term relationship. Over the following months I became open about the guy I was dating at the time and the heartbreak that ensued for me. So… basically we were commiserating. Both in a heartbroken place. Since then I've been in a new relationship for going on 8 months now.

 

The last straw for our friendship was yesterday. She sent a text “All the good men my age are taken, so I guess I’ll have to wait 5-10 years for the divorces to come through”. I found that really negative and underhanded, she was specifically referring to a married guy at work that she likes. My response was simply, “Or date older men.” And that spurred a rampage of texts from her. She went off on, “Well men in their 40s never married have serious issues (referring to my bf who is in his 40s who she’s never met but decided she doesn’t like). I feel like we’re not even friends anymore, your comment was snarky, why do you feel I was personally attacking you, then went on and on about my relationship and how it’s my problem not hers and criticizing my bf when he does or doesn’t do xyz, like I had to prove something or try and win her approval…. She used what happened when I confided in her recently about a rough patch I had with him over a month ago or so AGAINST me! Instead of, “I’m glad I was there for you”, it was, “how many times did you come over and talk to me about it, I spent HOURS talking to you?” (like it was a chore). The long and short of it is, she disapproves of my relationship, even though I’m very happy, because I was upset at the time. She has a personal battle herself with the issue that came up with my bf. I feel like she took the whole situation far worse than I did. The real question is: Why does she give a crap?? I really don’t believe it’s because she cares about me anymore. A person who truly loves you as a friend wouldn’t razz you up, or break you down when you’re happy, or criticize someone you love, or take advantage. I confided in a couple friends about an issue that came up in my relationship and I feel I overshared with someone who I can’t trust. The others that I told about this issue have a completely different reaction and fully support my relationship… because my bf and I are in love and very happy. It makes me wonder…why wouldn’t a supposed ‘friend’ support their friend in their happiness? Because they don’t want them to be?? Seems the only reason.

 

I began getting annoyed last week when we had made plans. I texted to confirm and she said yes. I offered the plan, how about you meet me here, etc. Then it was, “sorry I misunderstood, I thought you were picking me up. I don't want to go there, I don’t want to spend money, I just got all these procedures done. Sorry.” I said, No, I wasn’t planning to drive down there. We were going to a place 20 minutes east already. To pick her up would be 40 minutes round trip on top of that. It is not the first time I have been ‘assumed’ to be picking her up, going out of the way to do so and her not offering gas, or something in exchange. Then a day later she asks if I wanted to go to an event (that costs money) and I said, “no thanks, funds are tight this month.” Which they are. Then began the messages yesterday.

 

She was being really petty and attacking, stirring up things that didn’t even matter, bringing her opinion into my relationship, saying how I’m defensive because I know she’s right about my bf, really being immature. She said, “I don’t want to talk about this right now anymore. Please don’t bring it up.” Me: “Ok, I hear ya. I won’t.” (I’m thinking… geez… I don’t want to.)

I came back later to find more rambling messages (this is on Instagram messenger btw, we always usually text). “Why do you feel I’m personally attacking you? This is bull****, etc.” I can’t even get into it. Basically she was going on and on about how upset it made her that I took her dumba** meme personally. I said, ‘that seems really petty. ‘I didn’t take anything you said personally’… then she kept going on. I responded but then realized she had blocked me (this was an IG message).

 

So yeah…. her behavior last night has put the nail in the coffin as far as our friendship. My question is how do I deal with it at work? No, I can’t move desks. I have a strong feeling she will approach me or text me to ‘talk’. She likes drama and will confront when she feels ready. As far as I’m concerned the blocking me and being so against what makes me happy is reason enough to prove she only wanted the friendship when SHE was down, and when I was too. Now that I can’t commiserate with her and feel sorry for myself about how ‘all the good ones are taken’, she wants to break me down, I feel. Some people are negative and only like you when you’re down. And when you’re doing better than they are, they try to bring you down and stir up drama. I have no room for drama in my life so I’m happy to cut off the relationship.

 

Question is how do I do that at work, and tips on enforcing boundaries when she decides it’s time to have the confrontation?

 

I don't think that she was serious about divorced men. It was just misunderstanding. I suppose you sould talk with each other and start to be friends again.

[Maddie82]

She sounds immature just ignoring you like that. It's childish. She is also jealous of your relationship hence why she takes digs at it even though she has never met your bf. You're happy, that's all that matters. Don't waste another minute of your time thinking about her because she clearly isn't. She is her own demise here.