I'm so stressed out! Second guessing!

[TheRainbow]

My husband's mother HATES me!!! There I said it.

I know she despised me after finding out about my daughter's paternity. I thought we had gotten to a place where we could be civil. Monday night just proved to me that is not the case. Long story, short, my husband and I were outside, she let herself into our house with a key she was bringing back to us and eavesdropped on a discussion we were having. She then confronted us. She called me some crude names, call my daughter a bastard and told my husband to gain some self-respect.

 

It's been three days, and I'm just feeling so sad, so stressed. I feel like because of me, he is being forced to choose either his family or his marriage with me. He tried to talk to his mother, but she wasn't receptive, and now he is deciding to limit contact.

 

He always had a great relationship with his family, and I hate myself for putting him in this situation. He told me while they have a right to be angry at me for choices I had made but that they don't have the right to come into our house, disrespect us, and our daughter regardless of the circumstances.

 

I just feel myself sinking.

[oldlion]

If you feel you are sinking, stop. Your husband is right by choosing you. He married you, he loves you (quite obviously), and if it is a choice between his family and you, he chooses you. I would make the exact same choice if I was in his shoes. When his mother sees that he is always going to choose you then she will accept what her son wants. If she doesn't then she is very shy of a mother's love. If my family had ever tried to make me choose between them and my wife, my wife would win every time. Bask in the devotion and love your husband has for you. You have a very exceptional husband that you should love and never let go. Do you know how many women in the world would kill to have a husband like yours? Don't dwell on the negative because you have so much positive in your life. I do wish you well.

[BaileyB]

She had absolutely no right to let herself into your home and eavesdrop on your conversation. If he has tried to talk with her and she continues to act disrespectfully and behave inappropriately, your husband is right to limit contact. She needs to learn to respect better boundaries.

[Orokotikki]

I saw your husbands thread on this as well (different forum). It was an unfortunate and painful, but understandable reaction to hearing the things she did. The circumstances laid out made it sound like an very possibly an honest and innocent mistake, where the parties were unexpectedly, and without preparation genuine with each other. I'm sorry it was painful, would suggest not leaving her a key again.

 

Of course she has some measure of hate and ill will for what happened. I don't have kids, but if someone had done the equivalent to one of my sister's it I would be clenching my jaw not to spit on them in her position, but could respect a decision to R and come to peace with it over time.

 

And yes she should have knocked right away on the bedroom door.Best wishes to you and your husband.

[heartwhole2]

Are you in IC?

 

Your task right now is to shore up your resilience. Being unable to face the hard stuff and letting it sink you is how you wound up cheating, right? You need strategies for self-soothing and calming down when storms like this happen.

 

It sounds like you and your husband are on the same page, and that's a good thing. He's being strong for you by standing up for your marriage. You need to be strong for him by not letting this sink you. Love yourself enough to know that past sins do not excuse people currently mistreating us. Be the warrior your husband and children deserve and slay those demons of self-doubt and shame.

[TheRainbow]

Are you in IC?

 

Your task right now is to shore up your resilience. Being unable to face the hard stuff and letting it sink you is how you wound up cheating, right? You need strategies for self-soothing and calming down when storms like this happen.

 

I am seeing a therapist. Ironically my husband and I were talking about something I discussed earlier that evening in therapy. The worst part is, we both believe it was intentional as soon as she realized she had the opportunity. She had to walk through our bedroom to get to the patio. The patio doors were open slightly so our baby monitors could connect better.

 

I feel really violated in that regard, and my husband is just livid because his mother said some ****ty things to him and about our daughter. He wouldn't be so angry if it wasn't for me. He said that was true, but that I shouldn't continue to beat myself up over it. I can't change it, but can only change how I feel, think and do going forward.

[d0nnivain]

Focus on the good thing here: Your husband is on your side.

 

You made a mistake but you & your husband are working through it. What happened & how you chose to handle it is nobody's business.

 

Do keep an eye & ear on MIL. Once your daughter is older, you don't want that witch screwing up your kid's sense of self & belonging.

[DKT3]

On some level I think all of us parents can understand her actions, she is protecting her cub, momma bears are very dangerous when they feel the cub is in trouble.

 

I think if you look at her actions through your mom eyes it maybe slightly easier to deal with. I mean she isnt wrong in her desire to protect him. Which leads to my next point, your husband is including his mother in far too much depth, which is what is triggering her actions.

 

You wounded your husband, he is down, in pain and struggling. You are standing over his body. From your perspective you are helping him up, from her perspective you present more danger and pain. Just keep that in mind.

[TheRainbow]

Yeah, we will have too. She never really "liked" me from the beginning. I know she has always felt my husband made a mistake. I was not his ex, the smart one, the educated one and the one with all the ambition. She doesn't know how we met, and if she did, I don't even want to know how she'd react. The only thing she can really base her hate on is what I did. She can't pick on my parenting style because despite some questionable choices I am a good mother. I keep a clean house, very involved with my kids, make decent meals, and all around our daughter is very respectful. So I just worry, she will start looking for things to use against me, to start fights, and rumours because she is so angry.

[DKT3]

Yeah she is angry and wants you gone. That's why I say your husband allows her too close. He can maintain a healthy relationship with his mother and not include her in your marriage. Some of this is on him, I would say a lot of this is on him.

 

However, how would you react if you found that your daughters husband had mistreated and abused her for years. So yes these are also consequences for your actions and fallout you will have to deal with for years to come.

[TheRainbow]

On some level I think all of us parents can understand her actions, she is protecting her cub, momma bears are very dangerous when they feel the cub is in trouble.

 

I think if you look at her actions through your mom eyes it maybe slightly easier to deal with. I mean she isnt wrong in her desire to protect him. Which leads to my next point, your husband is including his mother in far too much depth, which is what is triggering her actions.

 

You wounded your husband, he is down, in pain and struggling. You are standing over his body. From your perspective you are helping him up, from her perspective you present more danger and pain. Just keep that in mind.

 

I understand how she feels. My own mother was the exact way when I was with my ex-boyfriend. The only difference was I was a teenager. My husband is in his early forties. I took it, didn't say anything back because I realize that what she was saying was true. My husband is furious because he has told his mother a few times his expectations, and she continues to overstep. Now he says he needs to do what he needs too for his own sanity.

Edited June 7, 2019 by TheRainbow

[noelle303]

While I absolutely undertand that she is protective, I think using the word "bastard" in regards to an innocent child is just hateful beyond belief.

 

I think your husband is right to limit contact because I would not want a woman like that around my kids teaching them her world views.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am seeing a therapist.

 

You have to be realistic about the situation you've both created and chosen. To expect everyone involved to poop lollipops and rainbows is an approach serving only to bring you disappointment.

 

To put it simply, you treated her son terribly and in a way with uniquely challenged ongoing circumstances. As has been pointed out, no parent gets over that completely and, on some level, her anger probably will always be there.

 

Keep working on you and your marriage, that's job one. Others will do what they do...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pepperbird]

While I could understand their dislike of you because of your past behaviors, I see problems with their attitude.

 

First, their son, your husband, has made a decision to reconcile, and that means he's chosen to make this innocent little baby his own. They need to respect that. they don't have to agree with it ( lord knows I don't agree with some of the things my kids do) but they need to respect it.

 

Secondly, if they don't feel their can put their pain to the side right now, then they shouldn't be around you and your family for a while. That time and distance may help, I don't know.

 

 

Their son has decided to reconcile with you, and if they want to make sure their son and grand kids have a stable and happy home, one would think they would be more supportive. I know it may sound like an odd idea, but have you and your husband ever considered family counseling for you, him and his parents as a group?

[TheRainbow]

I know it may sound like an odd idea, but have you and your husband ever considered family counseling for you, him and his parents as a group?

 

I can't see her going for it. She doesn't even want to be in the same room as me. In her mind, and in her own words the only solution to make things better is for me to go far, far away.

[Amethyst68]

While I can understand a mother being protective of their child this woman has overstepped the boundaries set down by your husband. Full disclosure I have read your husband's thread and know he has taken steps to deal with this. You have to keep dealing with your issues and talking with your husband, the pair of you have chosen to R so remember you are a couple!

 

What concerns me are the comments about your daughter, which I find to be vile. Can I ask, does she treat her differently from her other grandchildren? That's something I would be keeping an eye on going forward if you're not intending telling your daughter of her parentage (which I don't recommend as she WILL find out). Your daughter will grow up wondering why her family don't like her and may blame herself.

[Flame Aura]

I can't see her going for it. She doesn't even want to be in the same room as me. In her mind, and in her own words the only solution to make things better is for me to go far, far away.

I've only briefly read a few of your previous threads to get an idea of your situation but if what I'm reading is correct then I am not surprised she is acting this way, she has a very good reason.

[elaine567]

You can't manufacture "blood".

Yes, many will raise step children and incorporate them into families but to some without "blood" there is little true feeling or special love for these children.

Here this child is the product of an affair. There is no willingness to incorporate this child into the husband's family, there is only resistance, which has now fully reared its head.

Not only is there no "blood" involved, there is a whole load of "bad blood" around how the child was conceived.

The husband's mother will I guess not rest until his cheating wife and the offending child are both gone out of their family.

We can all make soothing and reassuring noises but that is the bottom line.

 

The husband ATM is all for reconciliation to prevent him losing his wife and he is in something of a competition with the OM too, so does not want to back down. He is thus blind to the more long term aspects of this whole situation.

I think in the cold light of day, once his mother and family have exited his life over this, and he is left with his cheating wife and her child who is getting to be the spitting image of its bio father, then he may start to think differently...

[Flame Aura]

You can't manufacture "blood".

Yes, many will raise step children and incorporate them into families but to some without "blood" there is little true feeling or special love for these children.

Here this child is the product of an affair. There is no willingness to incorporate this child into the husband's family, there is only resistance, which has now fully reared its head.

Not only is there no "blood" involved, there is a whole load of "bad blood" around how the child was conceived.

The husband's mother will I guess not rest until his cheating wife and the offending child are both gone out of their family.

We can all make soothing and reassuring noises but that is the bottom line.

 

The husband ATM is all for reconciliation to prevent him losing his wife and he is in something of a competition with the OM too, so does not want to back down. He is thus blind to the more long term aspects of this whole situation.

I think in the cold light of day, once his mother and family have exited his life over this, and he is left with his cheating wife and her child who is getting to be the spitting image of its bio father, then he may start to think differently...

Completely agree, how the husband can get back with his cheating wife, raise another man's child is beyond me. Just crazy.

[JuneL]

You mentioned that you were outside talking...could it be that you didn’t hear her knock? You mentioned in your previous threads that she had been civil to you and kind to the baby. So I suppose you’re discussing something that triggered her big time?

[TheRainbow]

You mentioned that you were outside talking...could it be that you didn’t hear her knock? You mentioned in your previous threads that she had been civil to you and kind to the baby. So I suppose you’re discussing something that triggered her big time?

 

After my husband talked with his mother, we at least confirmed for sure she was eavesdropping. We knew she was coming, but lost track of time. It was a moment of opportunity for her to listen in on our conversation. It's well known for everyone, especially his family that when our bedroom door is closed, it's because something private is being discussed and/or something 'private'. There is no doubt what we did was triggering.

[JuneL]

After my husband talked with his mother, we at least confirmed for sure she was eavesdropping. We knew she was coming, but lost track of time. It was a moment of opportunity for her to listen in on our conversation. It's well known for everyone, especially his family that when our bedroom door is closed, it's because something private is being discussed and/or something 'private'. There is no doubt what we did was triggering.

 

Since you didn’t share with us what you discussed that strongly triggered her reaction, it’s hard to give objective feedback. It could be like one of those women who took her partner’s phone by mistake, saw a couple of texts between him and his affair partner, and went on to read the whole text exchange.

[JuneL]

Completely agree, how the husband can get back with his cheating wife, raise another man's child is beyond me. Just crazy.

 

You’re just some bystander. Imagine that’s your own son being abused.

[Mrin]

So this is a case of what is done is done. You seem to be focused on the wrongness of what his mother did. Proving that she intended to eavesdrop. I get it - but eavesdropping does not come close to affair + other man's child on the universal scale of wrongness.

 

Rather than focus on whether it did or didn't happen or how wrong she was for doing it, I'd rather suggest focusing on what comes next in regards to what she said and her feelings about you, your husband/her son and the child. That's the real issue here.

[Mr. Lucky]

The husband ATM is all for reconciliation to prevent him losing his wife and he is in something of a competition with the OM too, so does not want to back down. He is thus blind to the more long term aspects of this whole situation.

I think in the cold light of day, once his mother and family have exited his life over this, and he is left with his cheating wife and her child who is getting to be the spitting image of its bio father, then he may start to think differently...

 

Could go either way. Raising her could also cause him to bond with the child, he will have had her since infancy. If he can forgive his WS, hard to see him resenting the child. Glass half full ...

 

Mr. Lucky