I'm so stressed out! Second guessing!

[TheRainbow]

I have these fears that one day he'll wake up and think what the **** am I thinking. I think he has a bond with our daughter because she was the only one we actively planned, he had surgery, and we tried months and months to conceive her. I, of course, was being a whore, and unfortunately resulted in him not being the biological father. She is a daddy's girl. When we go in public 80% of the time he is carrying her and I'm carrying the youngest. He's so good to her. It's saddening that the baby has the biological sperm donors hair color, and fair skin. But so far it doesn't seem to bother him.

 

I also really don't think he is competing with the other man. He is just elated he is no longer in the picture. He told back in November, that if he were to lose me, he'd be damn to lose our daughter as well. But he wanted us both, our family and was so glad that I came around, and finally doing what I need to do to be a safe and emotionally healthy partner.

 

I get it - but eavesdropping does not come close to affair + other man's child on the universal scale of wrongness.

 

Rather than focus on whether it did or didn't happen or how wrong she was for doing it, I'd rather suggest focusing on what comes next in regards to what she said and her feelings about you, your husband/her son and the child. That's the real issue here.

 

There is two parts to this issue. If she had just lashed out and bashed me, it wouldn't so bad. I deserve it. I deserve her wrath. The problem is she told my husband, her son that he needed to develop some self-respect, and basically asked if I and our bastard daughter was worth losing the respect from his family. Like how do you respond to that? Not to mention she invaded us in our home. I feel violated. I feel so much guilt that he and our daughter's had to be attacked in their home because of my choices. The girls may not have been directly affected, but they will indirectly feel the affects of two stressed parents.

 

I have been focusing on what to do next. All I can do is be the wife I should have been all along, and hopefully, in time she, my sister in law, and I can be civil. Right now, things have levelled out with my sister in law, somewhat. We are on brief speaking turns, and I had apologized and reassured her that it was nothing my husband had done to deserve what I had done to him.

 

At this point, I'm going to do what my husband wants me to do regarding his mother. We also are discussing how we are going to handle when our daughter asks questions because she is starting to feel the tension between her grandma, me, and Dad.

Edited June 9, 2019 by TheRainbow

[anika99]

Could go either way. Raising her could also cause him to bond with the child, he will have had her since infancy. If he can forgive his WS, hard to see him resenting the child. Glass half full ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Totally true. The father of my oldest son and I broke up for a year. Towards the end of that year I had a fling and stupidly got pregnant. No cheating involved, my ex was having his own flings too. Anyways during the pregnancy he and I started hanging out and talking as friends and after I gave birth to my youngest son he and I decided to reconcile and he moved in with me. At first I was pretty leery about how he would treat my baby fathered by another man and he did act kind of distant towards the baby at first but within a few months he was totally in love with him. He and I didn't last as a couple but he continued to think of himself as the father to both of my kids as they grew up and the weirdest thing is that he actually ended up having a closer relationship with the youngest and they are still close to this day.

 

Every baby is lovable if one's heart is open to it. I know I could easily love a baby that isn't mine. If I found out tomorrow that one of my grandchildren was conceived in an affair and wasn't really biologically related to me it wouldn't change my love for that child even one iota

 

OP as a mother to two adult boys I understand your mother in laws feelings somewhat but she was out of line. Calling your child a bastard was totally unacceptable but try to keep in mind that she said it to you, not your child. She's still totally in the wrong but her target was you, she wanted to wound you, not your kids.I doubt she would ever say anything so cruel to a child.

 

You say your husband has always had a great relationship with his family so I'm guessing they are not bad people or that wouldn't be the case. His family are feeling some of the impact too so I think everyone just needs to take a timeout until some feelings settle down and cooler heads can talk. You and your husband need to limit contact with his family for now so that you can focus on your marriage without getting bogged down in additional drama. Don't worry about his family right now, that can be attended to later.

 

Also wanted to say that I believe your husband truly loves your daughter and sees himself as her father regardless of the sperm donor.

Edited June 9, 2019 by anika99

[noelle303]

I have these fears that one day he'll wake up and think what the **** am I thinking. I think he has a bond with our daughter because she was the only one we actively planned, he had surgery, and we tried months and months to conceive her. I, of course, was being a whore, and unfortunately resulted in him not being the biological father. She is a daddy's girl. When we go in public 80% of the time he is carrying her and I'm carrying the youngest. He's so good to her. It's saddening that the baby has the biological sperm donors hair color, and fair skin. But so far it doesn't seem to bother him.

 

 

Rainbow, I hope you're working with your therapist on not using such hateful terms for yourself.

 

While I absolutely understand that you feel terrible for the mistake that you've made, the first step towards a healthy marriage is a healthy relationship with yourself and describing yourself as a "whore" is just not part of that.

[DKT3]

I have these fears that one day he'll wake up and think what the **** am I thinking. I think he has a bond with our daughter because she was the only one we actively planned, he had surgery, and we tried months and months to conceive her. I, of course, was being a whore, and unfortunately resulted in him not being the biological father. She is a daddy's girl. When we go in public 80% of the time he is carrying her and I'm carrying the youngest. He's so good to her. It's saddening that the baby has the biological sperm donors hair color, and fair skin. But so far it doesn't seem to bother him.

 

I also really don't think he is competing with the other man. He is just elated he is no longer in the picture. He told back in November, that if he were to lose me, he'd be damn to lose our daughter as well. But he wanted us both, our family and was so glad that I came around, and finally doing what I need to do to be a safe and emotionally healthy partner.

Both you and your husband have been told it's very likely that he will get some distance from the affair and then decide he doesn't want the marriage.

 

Your second paragraph is how you view things, I promise you, your husband is trying to win you back and competitive with OM. Again something that I know we have discussed. It's a Male thing caveman like even.

 

Your fears come from your need and desire to control the outcome. This cant be made less stressful by understanding that there is actually very little you can do to control him coming or going now or in the future. Hell he doesn't know how he will feel in a month or 10 years from now.

 

There are thread after thread here where the BS decided years later that they didn't want the marriage. One come to mind where a BH just woke up one morning 6 years later and looked at his wife and said I no longer want this marriage, got up packed his stuff and left. This example always stuck with me because those who hadn't been cheated on didn't understand where he was coming from and assumed it had nothing to do with her affair some 6-7 years before.

 

Taking back an unfaithful partner is a decision that you have to make almost everyday. It's a constant battle within, parts of you wants to protect yourself and run, while other parts wants to hang on to achieve what you thought it could be. Unfortunately for the WS there is actually very little they can do to impact the decision.

[TheRainbow]

Both you and your husband have been told it's very likely that he will get some distance from the affair and then decide he doesn't want the marriage.

 

He has told me a few have suggested that. I mean we don't know the future. A year from now he may decide that he wants a divorce, and I'll respect that if it comes to that. Or he might not. All I can do is just keep working on myself because whether or not that happens, I want to be a better person for my husband or any future partner.

[Cullenbohannon]

It is hghly unlikely that your husband will wake up one day and divorce you because of your past affairs. If he is going to leave, it will more likely be for actions ot inactions at that time. We have no idea what you are "second guessing" but that is an action that might make him second guess you also. Based on your history, you are damn lucky your husband walked into that bar that day. The best decision you have made in your life was accepting the first date. The only thing you should be second guessing is your past, not your future.

 

I have never read the typical weak doormattish post from your husband. He writes about you and the future. There doesnt appear to be any mind movies or any sort of competition outside of the battle for his daughter. And btw, for those who think you can not manufactor blood, well it appears your husband did.

 

Your husband went thru a lot of crap to secure his family. It is your turn to do the same.

 

Meet with his mother. Not your husband, YOU. She had no right to walk into your bedroom and listen to your conversations. She has every right to not trust a words you say or that this will not occur again. Go to her house and have a private conversation. Dont tell your husband, do this on your own. Prepare for the beating, but let her know you are in this marriage for good. Acknowledge and accept why she feels the way she does. Dont ask for forgiveness, ask for the time to earn it.

 

BTW you would not have the life you currently have without the influence from his mother. Who do you think taught him how to be a strong family man. She raised him to provide, protect and respect the family unit. Your actions offended her in every way. There is no need to kiss ass, but you should bring this up and apologize. You should also demand the privacy of your own house.

 

Disarm this volatile situation today This may be the hardest thing you have ever done and it may blow up in your face. Or it might buy you a little time and a little peace.

Edited June 13, 2019 by Cullenbohannon

[Buffer]

I have these fears that one day he'll wake up and think what the **** am I thinking. I think he has a bond with our daughter because she was the only one we actively planned, he had surgery, and we tried months and months to conceive her.

 

How much is he a mummy’s boy? Your in-law can have an opinion but she doesn’t have the right to talk like that about you or your children.

 

I, of course, was being a whore, and unfortunately resulted in him not being the biological father.

 

I missed that bit, was this a planned event or a one off? Does your BS accept and has set boundaries for you to remain in the relationship? If so it isn’t none of your in-laws bisness.

 

She is a daddy's girl.

 

good sign here

 

I also really don't think he is competing with the other man. He is just elated he is no longer in the picture. He told back in November, that if he were to lose me, he'd be damn to lose our daughter as well. But he wanted us both, our family and was so glad that I came around.

 

Well enough said tell in-laws thanks for your input. But your view isn’t accepted or welcomed. If you wish to continue to see your son and gran babies, please refrain from further comments to alienate our children and spouse. This needs to come from son/husband not you. if hubby is to scared to say this then. In-laws can’t see the children or him. It is a mutual respect thing. Every one can have an opinion, but once expressed to others it is open fo comment or discussion. Listening at doors is just disgusting.

 

There is two parts to this issue. If she had just lashed out and bashed me, it wouldn't so bad. I deserve it. I deserve her wrath.

 

To Assault some one for their action isn’t a answer. Could I hit the in-laws if she did something to me?

 

The problem is she told my husband, her son that he needed to develop some self-respect, and basically asked if I and our bastard daughter was worth losing the respect from his family.

 

She needs to grow up and shut up. Son has to make her know he chooses you for you! Nothis mother.

 

I have been focusing on what to do next. All I can do is be the wife I should have been all along, and hopefully, in time she, my sister in law, and I can be civil.

 

I take it you had a PA with his married brother?

 

Right now, things have levelled out with my sister in law, somewhat. We are on brief speaking turns, and I had apologized and reassured her that it was nothing my husband had done to deserve what I had done to him.

 

I need to see the thread re this?

 

Son needs to set boundaries for the family. He has chosen you and your children. You have issues that you two need to address. Mother in-law can support or not be in the picture, it is up to her.

 

Life for All children should be butterfly’s and unicorns, stress between adults and family members need to be isolated from them.

 

Hope you can have a deep meaningful and frank discussion with your husband so to have a united front for your family.

 

Good luck, reconcile support each other, grow and move forward together. Mum in-law can sit on the side lines or be actively involved in her gran children’s lives. Up to her sit up and shut up.

Edited June 14, 2019 by Buffer
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