She's back...

[Zul]

I dated this girl for 5 years, we've known each other for about 11 years now. We started dating in 2011, and lasted until the summer of 2016 when she broke up with me. She said that she "needed space". In reality, she hooked up with her ex boyfriend who was in the army and "dated" him for a year long distance until he moved back in 2017. Then she moved in with him in an apartment. Earlier this year, they got engaged, then I think he just dumped her off and now she's reeling again, and has reached out to me a few times and I've ignored her. She added me on Instagram again for the 20th time this morning. We talked a bit last year right before he got off his military deployment and they moved in.

 

Here's a little more background, that really upsets me. I loved her, and I wanted to be with her forever. Looking back, I was nothing to her.

 

She only had intercourse with me maybe 20 times over our 5 years... She told me last year they were having intercourse up to 3 times a day. She also did some things with him I always wanted to do with her, and she made it seem like they had a good physical connection.

 

She would never go anywhere for me, or do anything, it was always me... She would hardly ever cross the street for me. FOR HIM she bought a plane ticket and flew over 9 hours to go see him by herself.

 

She never took interest in anything I did or had, yet she was all about him and his accomplishments. She would subtly brag about him to me when we talked last year.

 

She goes all out to post about him, when they were together, on social media. I never once got a photo uploaded with her, or even a status about me. For him, she was all over it.

 

 

 

Now that you know the above... Last year, when we talked I was thinking after 2 years at that point that she had changed. I quickly realized that she hadn't really changed. It was better, but still not where I thought she should be. I ghosted and blocked her after hearing all the stuff she and him did. I don't care. She was the most important person in the world to me.

 

 

As of today, I've debated letting her add me. They broke off their engagement, and I've noticed that she's posted about how toxic people can be... blah blah blah. I don't really feel the need to follow her back.

 

 

Point is, if I had to be honest with you and myself. I still love her, even after all these years. I've tried dating other women, and it either sizzles out or I am not interested. My heart yearns for her still, even though she gave him everything I wanted and more and I got NOTHING in return.

 

What should I do? Listen to my heart or mind? Life is so short, I could die tomorrow; so I think to myself, at that point pretty much any risk is worth it. I also am tired of the dreams, nightmares and constant thoughts of her even 3 years later and 1 year of NC I've had even though she's reached out. It's getting harder, not easier to forget her.

[nolanola]

Honestly, you are twisting yourself in knots over a request to add you on Instagram. Not a sincere effort that says "I want you back" or "let's talk" or "I'm sorry". This is a nibble on her part to see if you will bite. Not a sincere sign that she is remorseful for how she treated you or wants to re-establish a relationship. To me, that says that you're not ready to have her in your life again. You're way, way over thinking her behavior.

 

You have a lot of mental unfinished business here. She hurt you and damaged your ego and self esteem. Has she shown any insight into this? Or just these BS things on social media?

[Marc878]

She's throws out a few breadcrumbs just to see if plan B is still there and you get high on hopium immediately.

 

Bud, you are extremely naive.

 

You should fix that.

[mark clemson]

What should I do? Listen to my heart or mind? Life is so short, I could die tomorrow; so I think to myself, at that point pretty much any risk is worth it. I also am tired of the dreams, nightmares and constant thoughts of her even 3 years later and 1 year of NC I've had even though she's reached out. It's getting harder, not easier to forget her.

 

 

IMO in your case mind. It's a no brainer. I think you are somehow bonded to the trauma she has put you though. Something like that. You're in love with an idealized memory of who you want her to be.

 

It sounds like you may have limerence that has never gone away (rare) or even some sort of OCD-ish issue. Suggest you strongly consider therapy and possibly even getting serious psychological help (ie. going to a doctor). FWIW, my personal opinion is that this should have faded by now.

[The Outlaw]

In my experience, I've always listened to my head. Thinking with my heart has only gotten me in trouble. Thinking logically about this situation, any situation will most always be a win-win. She didn't really do anything for you in the five years you dated. She either really wasn't over him at all, or you were just there to fill a void because she was bored. We've all been there, but brush it off the absolute BEST you can and push forward. She isn't worth it. She never was. She was a taker, not a giver.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is very unlikely to end well for you if you're foolish enough to let her back into your life.

 

Don't add her. She isn't reaching out because she misses you or loves you; she's reaching out because she loves and misses him and wants someone to fill the void until she is healed.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Dude you're her Plan B. The only word with a B in it you should be thinking about is BLOCK. Otherwise you're just waiting for her to find another Plan A.

[yololin]

Sounds like you know that the right thing to do is to block her and move on, but you find it hard because deep down you still have feelings for her. This time you have to lead with your head and not your heart. She's damaged you for sure, so much so that you aren't able to move on. That's exactly the reason why you must cut her out. We've all been there. Don't be whipped and cuckholded. You're better than her.

[schlumpy]

What should I do? Listen to my heart or mind? Life is so short, I could die tomorrow; so I think to myself, at that point pretty much any risk is worth it. I also am tired of the dreams, nightmares and constant thoughts of her even 3 years later and 1 year of NC I've had even though she's reached out. It's getting harder, not easier to forget her.

 

Oh you definitely should follow your mind but I doubt your obsession will allow that to happen without some pain.

 

Please come back and reread you post a couple weeks from now. You have outlined very good reasons for you to never see this girl again and if you can read it objectively I know you will agree with that.

 

We all act from our heart towards other people and she has given you a very good view of where you are in her heart.

 

You are her Plan B and she will turn to you when she is inbetween serious relationships. You can be with her, have sex with her and even create some good memories but she will never be yours.

 

If you can accept that (and lots of people do) then open the door. If not, then find a way to tamp down your obsessive thoughts.

 

First off - no contact must be your watchword.

 

It is a very good time to try something new and change your environment. If you have always wanted to be a better dancer take dance lessons. That may enhance your dating life.

 

Learn to box. It came in handy for me a few times. Don't do this if you are the type of person who looks for trouble.

 

Take up a musical instrument.

 

Look around your area for hiking opportunities or bike trails.

 

I used to build radio controlled gliders. They sometimes took me 3 months to complete but it was very absorbing. Won't add to your dating life though.

 

Best Wishes