Divorce, Love & God's will. Worried for my future. Counsel.

[WorriedHeart]

Hello everyone...

Uhmm... I am a natural talker & I really want to pour my heart out on this one, just hope I don't bore before I round it up even as I attempt to shorten as much as I can. My problem is hot and raising my pressure as I type. Pls help me.

 

This is June 2019 for me. I am a christian (pentecostal), a Nigerian, living in Nigeria. I am 38+ & married for 2 & a half years. I attempted to divorce my husband I will henceforth call H, last year October but let go when he pleaded with me to change (though he agreed at first & then changed his mind in a few days). I had an old male friend recently popped up then I shared my divorce intent with and who tried to support with kind words. He was my university days close friend that could never ask me out because he was shy and modest & I knew it but just enjoyed his companionship as a friend as his lack of boldness to ask me out pissed me off on that level but I liked him generally. We drifted after school until he reached me last year a day or two before I voiced my divorce intentions to my H, so I naturally flowed & even entertained the thoughts of encouraging the friendship for a possible relationship because he was still unmarried (his shyness for me is his flaw). However, despite this thought, when H pleaded we get back, I let go majorly because H was broke, without a job at the time & I couldn't bare to leave him like that.. So I tried to work things back with him...

 

My school friend & I still talk, less frequently but he kept up even though he knew I was back with my H... Just keeps up with general life gists and we have stayed on that level (even less now) since then. However, I didn't share further unpleasant happenings in my marriage. My H & I are very incompatible, we are good people in our own rights but just doesn't blend at all... The big stuffs aren't our problems but the minor stuff woven into our personalities.

 

While I am driven, outspoken, entrepreneurial, funny, exciting, intelligent & lovable (omitted stubborn, daring, risk taker, dream follower, very lazy housewifish attributes etc but guess I just spilled).... He is reserved, cold, man of few words, intelligent, very opinionated, pragmatic, stubborn, very proud, self reliant, independent with traditional mindset (I.e core African way of life). He does laughs too but usually at things I don't find amusing & our life dreams & life style choices are on opposite poles.

 

How did we then decide to get married? Well, I got really pissed off by a weird relationship (which you would read about down here, the one I call P) & in anger put a compelling husband searching profile on a dating site using my blackberry pin (keeping me anonymous) & made my intention for a husband known. Got a lot of 'bull****! Is this an exam?' 'For what?' 'Seriously? Are you this desperate?' Etc responses but was cool cause I wasn't known only my H & a guy or 2 others filled up the form despite almost 100 read ups & my H seemed the best of the few, so I started chatting with him & moved it off the site...

 

He was about 12 hours drive farther away from me & he came once to visit... Realized his calm disposition but attributed to shyness or some introvert stuff & since they say opposite attract (didn't like his looks much though), I gave him the shot... The 2nd time we were seeing was the beginning of the marriage customs here... So summarized timeline: Met online Mar 2016, Marriage starts Aug 2016. Finalized Dec 2016. & he chose to move to join me in the city where I run a small food processing company. He is a teacher & not interested in being any thing else so circled in the school system. Okay.

 

Fast forward to last quarter last year.... We were miserable... I found him really difficult to live with as he had tortured me with silence & lack of connection in any areas of life... We had no common ground. We don't pray or play together, no interest in what I do (even when I self trained in animations & do awesome) he didn't care... Our sex life was the worst of it, we don't meet.. We were flat mates, like he said 'worst than flat mates'.. Considering 2 or 3 awkward sex a month or 2 sometimes which I would even make effort to initiate during fertile window for child bearing purposes & am sometimes turned down with humiliating comments...

 

I really couldn't understand why he treated me this way... I had gone through the phase of fighting, shouting, threatening to crying, sulking to been downright docile.... Nothing changed... My Gynae at some point last year recommended I see a psychiatrist as I was been diagnosed as depressed which I did and when he was asked to come, hell broke loose I had to manage my condition, lost interest in my work .. (Oh my food business shut down, he even encouraged I forget about it & look for a 8-5 job) I withdrew from church activities as I was very active & forefront in some Depts.... I was seemingly lost to the world...

 

My mum visited & raised alarm when she saw our living conditions & when it seemed I wasn't as she knows me to be, she panicked etc, eventually she left and I tried to still find a way even if it is to have a child & focus on my child.... But we couldn't even come together to have a workable baby making plan...This lead to my Oct request for divorce & the state of my mind but I still try to go on.

He tried to be nice & responsive the first few weeks after the divorce request & relapsed back to his cold insensitive self. This time, I choose not to worry anymore or ask for more, I try to be content with myself, though a very friendly person.. I really dont keep friends that I share deep thoughts with (have a few who share with me though & I wonder why)... This affected me as I bore all these many pains alone, crying and talking to God when I really need to talk...

 

I decided I was going to be happy and find a way even though I did not know how.... So I eventually decide to look back in my business & step up my animation skill use... While rolling these things in my mind... Someone cribbed right back in. . a peculiar fellow I have omitted to this point... I will call him P for the purpose of clarification & he is my friend of 14 years now. We met 2005, in the city where I am now during a one year national service my country sends her graduates to for across country exposure & we had clicked since then. However, he is like me in lots of ways, more I should add. He is the guy you just like few minutes after you meet him with loads of friends & network..

 

He however, is very independent of peer influence, he is the influencer. I liked him a lot because despite all this flashy charming flavors, he was very core on morals & way things ought to be.... He had a girlfriend (girlfriends seem to be the one having him) & at some point, he hid behind me, helping him sort through girl problems that mistakes his charm for love or commitments... We were best friends... Just that, though, lots of people including the church we attended (where i still am) thought we really did fit. P was lovable but a handful for me... I saw him more like a big brother & he did believe in my dreams. He was one person who first encourages any entrepreneurial move I made no matter how childish or low & he invests in it, had bailed me out of trouble a number of times & visited my mum when I refused to leave the city after our one year service was over...

 

We kind of kept up after it but he was lucky to get good referrals & jobs & soon started travelling out of the country... We kept up... Sometimes, we loose touch for months or years & then he finds me again & we update on each other... He came visiting me years later & even help analyse a guy I was considering for a relationship then and so it goes.... He at one of the times, attempted to ask me out even though he knew it was awkward considering how close we had been but believe that is the more reason to consider this. I was his best friend & he only searches for shades of me in other women when he can have it all in me but only limited by my perception of his proposal.

 

I dismissed the idea in a heartbeat because it made me blush.. I couldn't entertain the thoughts & till date I still ask my self why, so don't bother asking because I haven't gotten the answer myself.

Anyways... We drifted a while & then he got married in 2010. He didnt tell me about her ... He always tells me about most of the girls he fancies & why (yes, i truly saw my attributes in them). I was saddened when I realised he was married but I couldn't question him nor blame him, he had to while I was busying rejecting or unsatisfied with the men I was encountering)...

2013 he came to the city I was, said it was a work conference or so but reached out & I met him...

 

We talked but he had divorced. Wife left him 2011 on the pretence of a trip & never came back but for a divorce letter, eventually realised that she needed the marriage to get her father's wealth & travel out of the country etc.... I almost couldn't believe it... Being the kind of person he was, he was embarrassed & ashamed of such a story, so went into hiding... This I could confirm with his Facebook account closing as I realised at some point (cause I was secretly checking his pages, posts and what nots even though I never reached out to him)...

 

I helped him prepare some computer stuff for his presentation & remember sleeping over at his hotel cos we couldn't finished the slides (he did a terrible job of the arrangements & I really could make it better). He made me comfortable, slept fine & no boundary infringement, not as much as a hug, though I confess the atmosphere was tense & awkward at first when the work was over & it was time to sleep.. I didn't even know I could actually sleep off. That scene went & he was really grateful for my help.... I wasn't in a relationship at the time, and few days later, he asked if I could reconsider us coming together...

 

I just laughed it off, though, I was considering it but worried about this wife divorce complications even though they had no child together... I didn't disagree but I didn't agree either and he eventually left... Kept up a while & we drifted again.... 2015, he was back & came all out for me... Made me see sense in our coming together. He lived in south Africa then, I was 35 unmarried, no relationship, at that time he said his ex has remarried & had a child... He can't find anyone else that fits him but me & pleaded with me to reason... So I reasoned... Not just for the plea but because he was right... I could compare guys but to me, he was incomparable... I really did like him & was fond of him warts & all... So, decided to hit the road, he was excited about it & returned to SA...

 

Fortunately, he had family now in the city i lived in, so met them (his brother, the husband was out of country then), he intro me to wife & kidd and I kept up esp. With his brother's wife who seemed to like me a lot...At some point, I was talking about us actually getting married & he was trying to flow, he said something about needing some money to add up & come home, I sent what I could & then he stopped. I couldn't reach him... I called he won't pick, I mailed he won't respond, he had no Facebook profile to monitor again...

 

I was perplexed & really couldn't place him with such behavior, the money wasn't even that much in comparism (though was to me) & I was so confused, it went on for weeks & I reached out to the in-law who liked me. She stalled me for a while & eventually told me the truth that he had an opportunity for a course in Germany & had gone. She advised me to move on because she is sure he would settle there. My shock & anger knew no bounds. I was embarrassed. It was the biggest blow I have ever been hit by in a failed relationship, infact, it was the only one that had touched my core.

 

I almost couldn't get over it... That was 2015 ending into 2016.. & with well channeled anger energy I did the online advert for a husband i don't care to know but just marry & get it over with. That is how I landed with H. Hope you can connect my story now?

 

Now, picking up from where I stopped about Dec last year (2018). P reached back to me (again) through Facebook. Saw he had opened another Facebook account like over a year .... I refused to chat him up but he won't let me be, pleading for my number... After throwing a bit of tantrums, asking for my money back, I eventually gave him.

 

He called. I sounded hard, stone cold & irritated, & he said so much, at the end of it, I try to maturely play it off as no problem, past issues but after he dropped, I did cry (I think or dropped a hot tear or two).... And just brushed it off. His explanation was simple... He had applied for a course in Germany earlier & didn't know it would pull through. While I was talking about us getting married, he realised he had a time limited offer to finish registration & relocation to Germany if he was going to do this... He was confused how he would tell me seeing how excited I was about us, getting married & knowing he started it etc. He couldn't burst that bubble for his rather moving to Germany for another number of years but he couldn't pass up the opportunity which he believed was for our good and planned to explain & do whatever he can once he was there & then we see how we can adjust to the new events but unfortunately for him, his sister in-law had gone ahead to tell me he had moved to Germany & he lost his voice... He didn't know how to say what and reading all my mails (oh yea, I did send long ones full of hate words & curses.... Sorry), he practically just culled back to his shell & bath in the regret, wondering how he could resolve this and time passed.. Within the year, he saw I got married (pictures on Facebook) & i guess he went though what I did when I saw his years back, except his must be worse (I hoped..lol).. He said from that point, he lost orientation as regards his future, what he was doing, the point of it all...

He officially lost his effort for marriage & immersed in schooling & working like it was all he had but even with all this... I couldn't leave his mind & so have decided to reach out to me, not for anything else, just so we can be friends again, just to talk, the way we use to, maybe, it might help him refocus, find someone & have a child, said he is not interested in marriage again & his family fought him over the years & given up on him in that area. Here, I am struggling and suffering in my marriage & here is my dream man hanging on for just fragments of my insight for guidance in his fractured path.

 

This added to my emotional instability but I didn't let him know it n tried to sound lively & normal when we talk... As usual, he had wheezed into my world & trying to catch up on normal events, realised I have regressed & not significantly progressed, became curious about what is up with me & my marriage, why he isnt hearing or seeing his effect in all about me.. I sternly told him off to not ever ask about my marriage affairs if he wants me still talking with him& though I knew he felt bad, he accepted & tried to respect it...

 

I also got updated with his life, i wasnt not okay with him just planning to have a child, he is doing well & I am impressed, he can't miss getting married to enjoy it all etc & I gave him ultimatum to find a girl & present....Why at all that, my H has turned tiger here. He is doing better now than before, has a steady job & some money now but won't share... Already seen the potential for him to be stingy with me in past events but thought he would get over it after last divorce attempt but no, now he even buys food items himself just so that he doesn't have to give me money directly as he was displeased that I am raising back the flour business when I should go and find a job and have guaranteed cash.

 

Some other ugly incidents came up, he threatened to marry another wife if I tell him I want to stop trying for a child (which I told him I would soon because he wasn't cooperating for us to meet at my fertile days & I am not growing younger).. In the midst of plenty bad blood, i traveled for a month to my mum's (April this year)& felt what it meant to be free... I wished not to return... It was a good time to retrospect & realise that I didn't want this life. If not today, in the nearest future, we are still going to divorce... And then I would probably have menopaused with no child or a child or 2 & trapped with a man that has all the skills to make a woman feel worthless.

I decided on my own to end it this time, for good.

 

However, typical of my P friend, he called to say hi & check on my trip while there & wanted to say hi to my mum who from that point was surprised that I still keep up with this same guy and he is not married, no child, doing well, living abroad, still fond of me, in contrast with the terrible terrible choice & life I have in my marriage... (You know how a mother's thought line will travel... Lol)..

I try not to play these thoughts in my head as my relationship with P is not of this kind again, even though i hear hints of regret, love & lost wishes in the way he still relates but I couldn't think further.

 

My mom reported me to another elderly man, quite knowledgeable in these things and he sat me down some day & hit me with a hard talk that needs me to make my own decisions, stick by them & stop whimpering. He favored the P idea & believed we should have been together from the beginning but for youthful exuberance or lack of adequate guidance at this times. He advised me to let him know what is happening with my marriage & see how things pan out.... If I leave my marriage, I was going to end up with some man some day anyways... Who would I rather it be?... Uhmm..

 

Dear reader, on my own, I am sure that I really don't want to keep trying with H because it is beyond habits, our problem is grafted in our DNA compatibility that nothing can change. Without P in the picture, I am sure I would have left if not today, soon, this I am sure. But with P around the corner, it seem too good to be true, so I decided to tell him my problem & see him on flight or fight mode...

 

When I did tell him... He demanded to video chat with me (which we didn't do until then) and told me he was sorry I was going through these things, though he suspected something wasn't smooth at some point but couldn't imagine it was this deep for me... Said, he has been through this before and can tell me it won't be easy but he wants to be there for me and he doesn't want to leave again. Said, the truth is, he just couldn't come in and break my marriage and he never will but if I am doing this, he is ready to take right on, immediately....

 

He won't risk losing me again for anything in the world & he won't delay further, that there is simply no other woman out there that fits him perfectly like me & he was stupid & daily regret how he didn't catch on, on this since 2005 we met, he would have fought harder & set his priority clear. Now at 40years, he has seen that there is no other way, even if I couldn't be his, he can't stay away from me (reason y he reached back in Dec) n now that he miraculously realised that I actually do have problems I can't reconcile with, he is ready to do everything to right the wrongs of our past... Blablabla.... I was dumbfounded to be honest, I didn't expect such quick acceptance & I couldn't believe my luck..

 

I got back. Told my H I want a divorce. He agreed, saying that everything I do, say or how I behave all bring the exact worse out of him no matter how he tries... He is equally tired & not happy..

So I made plans for the proceeding, already we lived in different rooms, we now made it official & everyone kept their space & shared nothing , not food, bathroom or anything but the front door..

However, he said that he won't contribute to the cost that he can't expend on it, so if I spend the money, he will sign.

 

He knows I couldn't afford it alone & it hurts.. Told my mum my decision & she is equally in support. Now I need to move out, P has been there. Helped with my business, even though he is not here physically, met the staff via video chat, put structure in place, talking to possible suppliers & distributors on my behalf, offered to pay some staff salaries to help jumpstart & has asked me to get a house he would support the payment for, should find out IELTS exam center he would pay for, so I can write the exams, as a perquisite for traveling, told his father figure (eldest brother whose wife liked me. His family don't live here again) about me who is coming to my city in July & would like to meet me. He himself is planning to come home, (trying to get a 7 weeks leave) so that he can have enough time to do lots of needed stuff) etc.... And he's been amazing as before.. Making me not feel the impact of having to divorce as he promised....

 

I could see the excitement in him, walks me through the city where he is on video chat, takes me to friends' homes... Happy to disabuse minds of those who started calling him gay for lack of girlfriend etc... Awesome, isn't it?....

 

Well, what motivates this long true life recap of my life now is that I went to my pastor to inform him of my divorce intentions few days ago (this June) because I just didn't want to move out, out of respect for him... Typical, he reacted that I shouldn't give up and called on H to talk with him & then us to talk with us yesterday (June 6)... His wife was involved & though I didn't tell them about P... They saw the awkwardness of H & our relationship but since divorce is not of God, we have to make it work. H apologised in their presence and was claiming ignorance before but will try to make it work...

 

I got choked, cried and then went numb till we all dismissed....I have had a nagging headache since then, couldn't sleep and now have refused to go to work.I am torn apart. When we got back home yesterday, H tried to muster conversation but I was too lost to be concerned about small talks & he noticed & let me be since then till now, seems we are back to as we were cold and distant because he is moving around not, checking on me...

 

That is not much of my problem as to what to do next. At this point, I haven't related this latest development to P (& note that we have physically not as much as kissed ever)... Here are the options rattling in my head:

 

(1). Should I tell my pastor about P or tell even H? Perhaps if they know about him, they would take me more seriously & let me go? However, using this approach will suggest that I am leaving my marriage for him and that is not true. However, I must confess, that I am using him (P) - first to build capacity to leave because I want to and then having a relationship with him is a secondary matter for me to address after this phase (though I guess I already started a relationship with him, just trying not to focus on it).

 

(2). Should I play along but never returning to the pity party I was but be myself (which I know is what irritates him).... No intentional tantrums just myself & I am sure, he will return to his snobbish cold self as I perceive he is already recoiling to but this would require that P hang on longer, I won't leave the house anymore & not clear if he would trust that I can pull through & honestly, I don't want to loose him again esp. Now that he has grown value for me & seen that there is something divine about my place in his life (feel same too actually. After all, it was still because of him, I wrongly ended up with H).

 

(3). Should I still move out? Insist I want my space as I made clear to my pastor & wife, though they played down on it. Told them, that if I am on my own, H can fight back for me if he thinks I am worth it (as he has not done any pursing or wooing since we met, believe it is part of why he doesn't value me)... I believe he won't. He has never fought for anything concerning me. Even the talk with pastor was because i went. He had no plan to do anything even if I go, this he had made clear before.

 

(4) Any other ideas?

 

In all of this, I am praying also to God as I do not desire to hurt Him by divorcing but it has always felt, still feel so wrong being in this marriage. I can't see a future in it. I do not believe in it, I do not desire it. I prefer P to a thousand men and I told God so and if I can't have him, then I had rather just be alone, perhaps he would permit me have a child for him (P) I mean & I close shop and forget about romance for life but don't want a future with H. I am very afraid of my future with him.

 

Please, I know this is a very long read but for anyone to truly give me quality deep thought advice, you would have had to know it all because I am worried, tired & sick as I write this.

Please help. Every advice is welcomed, I prày God to help me come up with a conclusion that would be best for my future from it.

Thank you deeply. May you always get help when and where you need it the most. Amen.

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Best try for paragraphs!

[DKT3]

Honestly you sound like a woman who wont commit 100% to any man. I think in part you see men as the foundation for your happiness, which is why there is three men in your orbit, each one serves a purpose and you will likely continue to have three men in orbit no matter which one you are actually in a relationship with.

 

My suggestion, divorce, your husband deserves a woman who wants him and wont enter into a relationship feeling like they can do better. Stop communicating with all three men and search for your happiness within, in time maybe you will actually be ready to have a mature relationship that you can commit yourself and actually make an effort without looking around for someone better.

[preraph]

None of these men have been the right one for you. That one you were friends with is best kept only as a friend. I tried it with a friend once and it's my one and only regret. If you're not feeling it, it fizzles.

 

Your husband has to be let go and you already know that. He's a big boy. He will adjust.

 

Do what is best for you and stop worrying about all the fallout with them.

 

You have not met the right man yet. It sounds like you've got more going on than just wanting to have kids, so if that's true, no reason to be in a panic about having kids, right? You can always adopt if you pass your expiration date whether you find the right man or not, if you really want that.

 

Take time off without a man now and follow your own path. Put those guys behind you and let the friend know it's friends only at this point and going forward.

 

Do what you are driven by your passions to do and if you are going to find the right man, that's where you'll find him. Good luck.

[DKT3]

Great advice, except for the idea that we have a magical perfect mate out there. It's not that these men aren't a fit, it's more about her constantly looking for better. That will cause issues even if there was a such thing as a soulmate. That is where she needs to examine before trying another relationship.

[WorriedHeart]

@DKT3. Thank you for your honest opinions, perhaps I may debunk some notions you have for better narrowing me down as I perceive a tone that you already don't like me (which is okay really)...

 

First off, my life doesn't revolve around men especially for my happiness, I happen to have a man problem right now which is why I shared this story surrounding peculiarly my man problem.

And if I can't commit to any man a 100%, how did I commit to the one I married for the past 2 years knowing I wasn't happy in it, the first month it started. Though I agree, he deserves someone who wants him as much as I deserve too, so at least... No qualms with divorcing. Thanks on that.

The school guy I shared in my story bringing me into a 3 man orbit was intentionally shared to see that having old friends jump back at me wasn't enough reason to want to be with them, even though in the last guy's case (the P), I want to but I think you missed that essence.

 

I am also not confused about leaving my husband as you would see in the options I shared as rattling in my head, I am rather looking at the best approach to do it and still leave everyone fairly treated.

I, however, must confess that I am looking for some validation to get the relationship going (not just started) with the P who I admit I also handled carelessly as much as he did while the years passed by. And to be clear, even if there were a 3 man orbit (which there isn't), I made clear whom I really would love to be with and so being with him wouldn't have needed me asking for more. He was the more I never quite understood I needed all these years until I actually got married for the wrongest reasons. If I have him, I won't ask for more (can check back here in 5 years and post an update to that if I have to).

 

@preraph is right though, difficult to agree to letting 'P' go... Lol but I can even though he probably will just hang around the corner till I am ready. But a worthy advice to follow, so I am clear headed and sure of my choices after leaving this one. There is no 3rd guy. He is even the one who keeps up with me and I deliberately respond very rarely, no leading on, just plain courtesy (he doesn't even know I have any further problems not to talk of my actual divorcing), so he is not on the consideration list please.

Finally, I wasn't looking around for someone better... Did my story sound that way? I wasn't even looking for anyone... These men breezed back in at these peculiar times on their own and you may recount my attempt to shun off the main one even when I shouldn't (what more could I have done?)...

Anyways, what I have taken so far, is you both support my divorcing whether it is for my sake or my husband's & it is better I stay off all men (relationship wise) for a while... Okay...

Taking it in... My gratitude.

[WorriedHeart]

Great advice, except for the idea that we have a magical perfect mate out there. It's not that these men aren't a fit, it's more about her constantly looking for better. That will cause issues even if there was a such thing as a soulmate. That is where she needs to examine before trying another relationship.

 

Noted. Thanks

[preraph]

Reading your last post about you weren't looking and they just breezed in, then could be you have to filter some of the ones who breeze in out and maybe be more deliberate about choosing someone and not just go along if they choose you. I mean, that's good to a certain extent, but you can't just let other people determine your fate either. So hoping you try to have a healthy filter. Good luck.

[DKT3]

I dont know you so why would I dislike you,?

 

This dynamic happens all the time. Woman wants guy A who for whatever reason is unavailable, woman them meets and marry guy B. After a short time the marriage is rocky and being blamed on guy B. The real issue is the woman never wanted guy B and never committed to him or the marriage....why? Because she wanted better, better being guy A.

 

So yes, you have spent your entire marriage wanting better, and you even admitted in your last post even though I'm not sure you realize that you did.

 

Unfair isn't divorcing your husband, unfair was marrying him in the first place, and even more unfair is being married to him another hour. He deserves better.

[chryssy83]

Gosh this is nearly impossible to read, so I’m sure I missed some stuff.

 

Get the divorce. If the only reason you would stay is because your pastor says to stay, then get the divorce. You don’t say anything kind about your husband (unless I missed it in the middle of all those words) and you clearly don’t love or respect him. You’ve been unfaithful him in your communication with this other guy, P, who you are either leaving for or using as a crutch but either way it’s not okay. Just let your husband go.

 

Maybe I misunderstood but were you saying that P was communicating with you during his marriage too? Yeah he seems like a great guy to have a kid with or be in a relationship with. But you are doing the same thing so let me be honest and say maybe it’s water seeking it’s own level?

 

You’ll get more responses if you edit your post to have more clear paragraphs and try to remove some of the details. People want to help you but it’s so hard to read.

[chryssy83]

I went back and skimmed again. When P went to Germany and just ditched you he probably had another woman, or maybe he already had her when you were talking about getting married. He just abandoned you without a word and then gave you some BS story about how he was “sorry” and now you make decisions based in part on him saying he’s interested. And he won’t respect your marriage by leaving you alone because he’s just powerless in regard to his feelings for you? Yeah he wasn’t powerless when he left and didn’t even tell you. P is bad news.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I think you should divorce your husband whether or not P is in the picture.

 

I then think you should give your relationship with P a lot of time to see how it develops and if he can regain your trust.

 

It bothers me that he left you years ago with no explanation at all.

 

PS Your story is very hard to read and follow but I did take the time to read and understand it.

[William]

Two similar threads merged by mod 6ix and I gave it my best zero dark thirty try at adding paragraphs. Wished the starter had a TLDR synopsis but if wishes were horses. Anyway, please continue!

[WorriedHeart]

Hi!... Whao!... Thank you so much for the responses so far. However hard, I need to hear and face these facts and strive to be better off by them. Thank you.

 

@chryssy83 my drive for the divorce is because of our personality differences which though he admits but seem can live with because of his self sustaining lifestyle... I can't. I believe in communication & mutual sharing in most things or at least strive to.

However, from different opinions I am gathering here and other forums, it seems that I am the one at fault to the degree of marrying H without truly loving or accepting him as he was & thus I would be doing him a favor to let him go as he would never satisfy me. Sad & shocking of me, I think it is true & I am deeply ashamed of it, will apologise to him about it when the time presents itself too. I was wrong and I am going to pay the price for this by first being labelled a divorcee & at the mercy of God for redemption. This enforces my reasons to leave, so we don't end up being miserable and setting a foul foundation for our children when they come.

 

The idea of switching to P.... Well, P is being a peculiar being that honestly I can't understand what pulls me to him even with his bad actions. I have been bad to him to. Rejecting him when we weren't both married for fibble reasons and the hate words I used before this last comeback... Honestly he should have bull**** me & just go with anyone else like I did with my H but he is back not clear himself why he can't let go.... He surely may have had other relationships like I had when he got married then... I am not judging him for them, despite all, like with me, they don't fit but us.

However, I am forming new perspectives on this scenarios in my life.

I will hold off on P, however, weird that sounds to even me... I will let him know I need to clear my head & can't promise anything for now... I had like to see how he goes about that, perhaps, he may zoom off again... That will be the deal breaker... However, separating from my H will give me & him perspectives and help us resolve amicably that we truly can't be together or its just my being greedy for old friend love frenzy (though I did plan to divorce before P ever came back).

 

@LivingWaterPlease, yeah I get you... As explained above, I am going to extract myself from other men & let them leave me alone for a while but I will surely ache to do that to P because inspite of his disappear & come back syndrome, I unfortunately love him... Always have since we met in 2005 but he was too worldwide in view for me to imagine any hope with him & perhaps just settled for his buddy than loose him totally & even when he begins to realise I could be that one for him... I couldn't bring myself to believe he means it, so kept rejecting him...

Now, both in our 40ish year rings... We can't settle anywhere else... Maybe still not with each other but we never actually tried.

This is what motivates me to want to do this but I will try and build up enough moral to send him off again so I have time alone as it seems that is what I should do.. I just pray to God, I am not being the most foolish girl ever by doing this 'again' because I just want to do the best I can for my future & kids... What else can I do?

 

So sorry for the long story... I really wanted the clear picture splitted so that advice are based on actually scenarios.

Many may not be able to read... Trust me, the few that have are giving me enough food for thought that I am struggling not to constipate... Lol... So still okay by me...

God bless you all. Gracias!

[WorriedHeart]

Two similar threads merged by mod 6ix and I gave it my best zero dark thirty try at adding paragraphs. Wished the starter had a TLDR synopsis but if wishes were horses. Anyway, please continue!

 

Hi... Lol. I have just a little idea of what you are trying to say but I apologised for the dual thread. I posted here first before seeing the room on 'marriage & life partnership' or so and thought it does fit my situation too. Realised different people are responding in both, so still serves its purposes, however, if you can merge the two without loosing their responses, please do. I believe these chats are helping not just me but anyone else who reads in the future with similar dilemma.

Thanks!

[WorriedHeart]

@williams thanks. I see it is merged. OK.

 

@preraph... Noted your last response. You are right, its beyond me being wanted to also having a say in it... (But I do want P.... Lol).

Without him coming back, I had fantasize about him once a while when married & at a very low depressed state, just to help improve my mood. He does not & will likely not let him know this but I did and he walked right back in by himself without knowing I needed it. I still try waving him off for the sake of my marriage however sad I was in it but H won't make things easier as he got more irritated by anything I did. (Find in the story)... So, i really didn't push this though I surely have a number of wrongs I am coming to realise I did, bringing me on this judgement table....

I really don't want to mess anybody up, least myself... Just want to have a loving man relationship of my own and groom my children in it... That is all... Terrible at finding my way there but still want that anyways. Reason why I decided not to decide by myself but employ the multiple counsel of you all, knowing you won't be biased as you don't know me or have anything to gain or lose from hitting me with your perceptions of the truth.

 

@DKT3... Your voice is very loud, I hear clearly.. #smiles... Thanks!

[Iliaki]

I totally, totally understand how it feels like being in this "divorce" mayhem situation...when my husband announced me these 4 cruel words ("I want a divorce") I was completely devastated, desperate, hopeless, had become a shadow of myself, depressed, having no will to work, to talk, to eat, to sleep....I had become a total wreck....but exactly because our Lord sees everything and wants us to be blessed, a friend of mine proposed me to try a method which really saved me....I was believing that all hopes were lost, that there's no light in the end of the tunnel for me....but! There was eventually! Every day since then, I thank Angela for giving me her precious method which she had done with 100% positive results! If you would be interested to try, I leave you the link down below:

http://bit.ly/2XPw8fF