His lowest priority

[OWch]

The hardest thing is when you realise he doesn’t care about you. That you were his lowest priority.

 

I finished things, I walked away (I hope for the final time) a month ago as I realised he just didn’t care about me, or at least he didn’t care about me enough. And everyday since it’s like it hits me in the face and the heartbreak comes over me anew.

 

I want to hate him. I want to be angry at him. But really all I hate is myself. I am angry at myself. For not doing something sooner. For wasting years of my life. Years. Angry for not treating myself better. For not caring about myself more. For not choosing better.

 

And I find myself constantly wanting to reach out to him. To make him show me he cares in some small way. In a way that is not selfish and self centred. That it wasn’t all lies. That I hadn’t played the fool. However, I know it’s futile. As he can’t give me what I want. He just takes what he wants. And then it hits me anew again and I realise for him it’s always been about him, and he doesn’t care about me. But I also realise that all I ever cared about was him.

 

I have to move on. I must. I need to care about me now. I’m not broken, not entirely, but I got lost somewhere and I need to find myself again. But I can’t whilst my thoughts are so focused on him - what he did and is doing, what he thought and is thinking, what he felt and is feeling... These patterns are so ingrained. Habits so established. It feels like no amount of NC will break them.

[d0nnivain]

A new habit takes 30-45 days to become ingrained. Good for you for finally walking away. You can stay strong.

[heartwhole2]

I can hear the pain in your words. I'm sorry that you are hurting.

 

I hope you will make yourself your highest priority.

 

These patterns are so ingrained. Habits so established. It feels like no amount of NC will break them.

 

Look into neuroplasticity and rewiring the brain after the trauma. You absolutely can erase these worn grooves in your pain. A therapist can help.

[stillafool]

Stay NC and you will make it through. No one said it would be easy.

[OWch]

Thank you heartwhole - glad to see you back, I know you said it was to give a positive update but I do hope that is true. I know your situation is different as a BW, but I hope when I get fully past all this I won’t need this site anymore.... please all take that in the nicest possible way, as right now reading all your threads is a huge support! I just want to get somewhere in my life where this site doesn’t even cross my mind. Is that a pipe dream?

 

Look into neuroplasticity and rewiring the brain after the trauma. You absolutely can erase these worn grooves in your pain. A therapist can help.

 

A new habit takes 30-45 days to become ingrained.

 

I have gone back to my therapist, I started back about a week before I ended things. I saw the same therapist the last time I managed to walk away (nearly three years ago), but some circumstances changed and I went back to MM - It took a lot of strength to go back to the same therapist and tell him I failed!! But I am glad I did.

 

He has been great and we worked a lot on this - treating it like an addiction - and I was amazed at how well I was doing. Everytime I thought of MM or went to check an old message or an online profile I was able to stop myself and remind myself I am resolute in this decision. But then something happened and it triggered it all back again. I did manage to reset again but then this week I found something out that triggered it all again much harder and this time I can’t seem to reset it again. So to be fair I know it’s early days and it’s not been long enough to say it’s not working - but managing 30-45 days straight seems quite a feat right now! But I’ve got to just keep trying I guess. Just keep resetting and keep trying.

Edited June 7, 2019 by OWch

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to manage the whole 45 days right now. You just have to manage today. Get through today. Go to bed. Wake up & remind yourself you were strong yesterday & you can be strong again today. One day at a time

[SpiceCat]

Congrats on walking away, and I love your username!

[heartwhole2]

Thank you heartwhole - glad to see you back, I know you said it was to give a positive update but I do hope that is true. I know your situation is different as a BW, but I hope when I get fully past all this I won’t need this site anymore.... please all take that in the nicest possible way, as right now reading all your threads is a huge support! I just want to get somewhere in my life where this site doesn’t even cross my mind. Is that a pipe dream?

 

Thank you OWch, I know what you mean and take it as it's meant. Certainly visiting infidelity forums keeps it fresh, and corresponding with other BW friends in a daily chat, but at least the latter is not something I want to give up because of the friendships that have developed. I do feel a lot of healing has taken place. Recently there was a trigger that would have made my stomach drop in the past (I can't even remember what it was) and I braced for the feeling, but it didn't come. And then I was like, oh that's nice, that cycle is broken! I hope you can reach this point with your triggers.

 

Forgiving yourself can be a hard thing. Have you read Desmond Tutu's Book of Forgiving? There's a chapter at the end about forgiving the self. It's not easy to accept that you played the fool, as you said. Can you think of a child whom you love? When she screws up, hurting herself most of all, you would be filled with compassion for her. You would want to comfort her. You would want her to know that it's OK. She's going to mess up in life, but she is still whole and worthy and loved.

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Abetterme]

@OWch - I am sorry you are hurting. I love these posts above. I am often mired in self loathing so can really relate but it doesn’t help anything as far as moving forward. Be kind to yourself. Other posters are right...one day at a time. I’m happy your are out of the mess. Be well!

[preraph]

I'm just happy to see someone on here who finally got themselves out of a one-way relationship. It is sad that it can take so long to realize when someone you love just doesn't have that much depth and/or only thinks of themself. I am sorry you wasted all that time too. I hope you find someone who has more depth and substance and ethics next time around.

[BaileyB]

I'm just happy to see someone on here who finally got themselves out of a one-way relationship.

 

Amen!

 

I am sorry you wasted all that time too.

 

As Dr Phil says, the only thing worse than wasting two years in a bad relationship is wasting two years and one day...

 

Onward to bigger and better things OP. One day at a time...

[Aloha123]

This is kind of right where I am -- SO angry at myself for being such a fool and so delusional, and so angry at him for what he expected me and in fact got me to settle for.

It must be part of the process, and is certainly better than the pining/sad/desperate stage.

[heartwhole2]

Anger is definitely a stage of grief. Let yourself feel it.

 

At the same, try to peek underneath the anger to see what it's masking. You'll find your biggest vulnerabilities and areas to work on under there.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I feel this 100%. At the end of the month it will be one year since we’ve been NC and I feel like I could have written this myself. I miss him. Wish I knew how he was. Want to talk to him. I can’t figure out how to get over this. I desperately want to but my mind is an endless loop.

 

The good news is we have a chance of being more now. Of finding someone who makes us their top priority. At the very least we should be that person. And by spending all this time thinking about them we’re making ourselves our lowest priority too.

[OWch]

I feel this 100%. At the end of the month it will be one year since we’ve been NC and I feel like I could have written this myself. I miss him. Wish I knew how he was. Want to talk to him. I can’t figure out how to get over this. I desperately want to but my mind is an endless loop.

 

The good news is we have a chance of being more now. Of finding someone who makes us their top priority. At the very least we should be that person. And by spending all this time thinking about them we’re making ourselves our lowest priority too.

 

Rainbow - please don’t tell me I will still be writing this in a year! I’ve read it’s supposed to take 18months to get over a long term relationship (if I am being generous and calling a 5 year affair a relationship) but I really need to put that on fast forward!!! I think you are right we need to prioritise ourselves stat. I intend to keep working on this with my IC as an addiction I need to treat. I need to break these thought processes or I won’t move on.

 

It’s like NC also applies to contact with them in your brain, and that I find the hardest part. To not message .. easy really for me now actually this time around. Sure I do get the pull to reach out but honestly I can totally resist that this time around. To stop thinking about him, re-living moments of the A, wondering what he is doing, trying to work out at what points I went wrong, agonising over what I should have done differently... not so easy.

[OWch]

This is kind of right where I am -- SO angry at myself for being such a fool and so delusional, and so angry at him for what he expected me and in fact got me to settle for.

It must be part of the process, and is certainly better than the pining/sad/desperate stage.

 

I am sorry you feel the same Aloha as it’s the most unbearable part of it. It’s probably no surprise that I used to be (in some areas I still am) a very self confident, rational, practical, independent person.... a common trait in a OW it seems, so how on earth did we manage to make such bad choices?! ... and how did I keep on making them time and again?! I often said to my friends after talking about my relationship “if this was someone else I would tell them 100% to leave” .... so why didn’t I sooner! I think this is something I find very difficult to move past right now. I am trying to forgive myself and stop beating myself up about it but it’s so hard not to feel pathetic.

 

It probably is a stage. But I also think it’s probably not healthy for me to stay in it too long.

[isolatedgothic]

OWch, I sure can relate. I hope that you will stay in therapy. Try not to get too far ahead of yourself. Take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. We all heal at different rates, so stay focused on the "right now."

 

It's hard to train the brain to stop going over and over and over things. It's part of what keeps us stuck for so long, and also part of what makes us go back again and again.

 

I wish that your therapist was trained in EMDR. I found that this helped me to get past the ruminations. It might or might not help you, but EMDR is supposed to turn a terrible event into a fact, and not an emotion. It has helped take the pain away.

 

It's been 2 years for me. I still think about him. I cannot understand why he'd go back to his wife after leaving her, and not working things through with me. However, the pain isn't as sharp, and the relationship has been turned into a part of my past, and not the present or future.

 

Keep walking forward, stay in therapy, and please please reach out to friends like us when you're feeling tempted or down. Those of us who have walked this path will understand and support you!

[OWch]

Anger is definitely a stage of grief. Let yourself feel it.

 

At the same, try to peek underneath the anger to see what it's masking. You'll find your biggest vulnerabilities and areas to work on under there.

 

The anger is definitely something that seems to be helping me right now but I do feel it’s not a good place to reside too long.

 

When I spoke to my therapist about not being unable to stop re-reading messages and email, he thought initially I was trying to get the relationship buzz back, trying to get a hit, reminiscing over how great times were. When I explained to him that wasn’t the case at all - that actually what I was doing was reminding myself how bad the situation was, how awful I had been treated, what a idiot I had been and where I should have done better, how right this decision is - he apologised and seemed to find it interesting. He remarked it’s like when drugs no long have the effect they once had.... before I would re-read a text and get a dopamine hit like when the text first came through and feel warm in it’s glow... but now the drug doesn’t work and so I am getting anxious and angry etc.

 

He has told me instead that I need to catch myself and tell myself that I am resolute in this and I don’t need to waste time re-reading messages (that I could probably recite to him off by heart anyway) and instead just remind myself I don’t need to look or think about him and us as I am resolute, and just get my focus back to what I was doing, even if it as just watching tv... I could manage this for about three days and I haven’t seemed to be able to get back there since these triggers.

 

I think this is why I found this site useful too. For example I am about 25 pages into Asaysno thread (it’s a long one but a good one!) and it’s so powerful for me that I look at what is written and think, oh yeah, that was me once, that’s what I thought once.... and I mean that in the nicest possible way to Asaysno and don’t mean it to sound patronising. I find knowing A was full of cliches and not special helps me to be more resolute in what I am doing as well. But what I would really like is to just lose the anger and self hatred part. I would rather a resolute state of calm and decisiveness.

 

But that’s also why I say this site is a double edge sword. Because I think it also feeds my self-bashing, my feelings of being an absolute fool, my regret... and it keeps me thinking about us and him ..... but perhaps I do need to work through this stage and can’t skip it. I don’t know. I feel like I have been here (in a break up) so many times before it would be good to skips a few stages this time ?

 

I am not sure what would be there if I peel the anger back? Perhaps pride? Shame? Maybe shame. Regrets.

[OWch]

OWch, I sure can relate. I hope that you will stay in therapy. Try not to get too far ahead of yourself. Take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. We all heal at different rates, so stay focused on the "right now."

 

It's hard to train the brain to stop going over and over and over things. It's part of what keeps us stuck for so long, and also part of what makes us go back again and again.

 

I wish that your therapist was trained in EMDR. I found that this helped me to get past the ruminations. It might or might not help you, but EMDR is supposed to turn a terrible event into a fact, and not an emotion. It has helped take the pain away.

 

It's been 2 years for me. I still think about him. I cannot understand why he'd go back to his wife after leaving her, and not working things through with me. However, the pain isn't as sharp, and the relationship has been turned into a part of my past, and not the present or future.

 

Keep walking forward, stay in therapy, and please please reach out to friends like us when you're feeling tempted or down. Those of us who have walked this path will understand and support you!

 

 

Thanks IG.

 

My therapist might well know EDMR. I could certainly ask him. I really like him as he is a solutions based therapist. I found I was not getting on well with other types of therapy. He is actually also a trained hypnotist and teaches CBT etc.and seems very focused on language etc and I like him as he gives opinion and has dialogue - so I certainly think I could ask. He might even use it without me knowing! I’ll read up on it some more...

 

My favourite phrase from my therapist is “but you don’t do that anymore”... when talking about something I most definitely am doing. I am trying to keep telling myself that every time a thought of him or us comes into my head.... I get frustrated though it only lasts about ten minutes... but you are right, I neeed to just focus on that ten minutes if that’s all I can do right now.

 

I think I am just getting impatient as I want out. I have been here before and got dragged back into it and this time I want out for good.

[heartwhole2]

For me at least, the obsessive rereading of messages is my traumatized brain looking for patterns so that it can protect me from being hurt again. Did he really love me? Why was I such a fool? Will this happen to me again if I don't crack the code?

 

If you look up EFT (emotional freedom technique) also known as tapping, you can watch some videos on how to do it. It's something you can do at home with painful memories or fears. I've even taught my first grader who has some anxiety how to do it.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Rainbow - please don’t tell me I will still be writing this in a year! I’ve read it’s supposed to take 18months to get over a long term relationship (if I am being generous and calling a 5 year affair a relationship) but I really need to put that on fast forward!!! I think you are right we need to prioritise ourselves stat. I intend to keep working on this with my IC as an addiction I need to treat. I need to break these thought processes or I won’t move on.

 

It’s like NC also applies to contact with them in your brain, and that I find the hardest part. To not message .. easy really for me now actually this time around. Sure I do get the pull to reach out but honestly I can totally resist that this time around. To stop thinking about him, re-living moments of the A, wondering what he is doing, trying to work out at what points I went wrong, agonising over what I should have done differently... not so easy.

 

 

I’m sorry! I hope you’re not in this place in a year too. It sucks. My therapist (who I stopped seeing in the fall and need to get back to) once said that it’s hard to get over a relationship (agree with your comment. My ‘relationship’ was almost 3 years off and on) like this because breakups are like a death and he’s kept resurrecting himself. So I just keep waiting for it. I think this time it’s for good. .

 

I also agree about contacting him. I have wanted to very infrequently (my father recently died and that was when I wanted to reach out to him the most) but I find it much easier to resist that temptation (i will never get the reaction/ response that I want and all it will do is hurt me). But the mind movies are the worst. I find myself replaying everything over and over- the good times, the bad. Imagining how happy and free he is now. I’m sure his life is fine, great even while mine is a lonely mess. He fully gaslit me to believe that this was all me and I took advantage of him and he just wanted to be friends so I spend a lot of time going over that in my head to. And feeling the shame of that.

 

I think it is an addiction and it just takes time and a great deal of effort to get over it.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Thanks IG.

 

My therapist might well know EDMR. I could certainly ask him. I really like him as he is a solutions based therapist. I found I was not getting on well with other types of therapy. He is actually also a trained hypnotist and teaches CBT etc.and seems very focused on language etc and I like him as he gives opinion and has dialogue - so I certainly think I could ask. He might even use it without me knowing! I’ll read up on it some more...

 

My favourite phrase from my therapist is “but you don’t do that anymore”... when talking about something I most definitely am doing. I am trying to keep telling myself that every time a thought of him or us comes into my head.... I get frustrated though it only lasts about ten minutes... but you are right, I neeed to just focus on that ten minutes if that’s all I can do right now.

 

I think I am just getting impatient as I want out. I have been here before and got dragged back into it and this time I want out for good.

 

My therapist was also solutions based and I didn’t love it. I wanted to talk about what got me into this mess so I could try and heal it whereas he just wants to deal with not doing it again.

 

I’m the opposite of you. I have never had self confidence or self esteem- though when I met my xMM I was at a high point. I read on here once (I think it was a BW) call OW low hanging fruit. That stuck with me and it’s something I think about often. My xMM totally groomed me and I think he could tell I was weak when we met. Plus he is a total narcissist and I am a child of two narcissists so I think he felt familiar to me. I think if you came from a place of high self confidence you should have an easier time getting back there.

 

Heartwhole2- thank you. I’m going to look into that too. Same for what Isolatedgothic suggested.

 

During the A and some of our ‘breaks’ I came here a lot but this last one I had to stop. As helpful as I think these boards are I felt that they also kept me thinking about us and the A and it wasn’t healthy. This is my first time back in a very long time. Just something to be aware of.

[heartwhole2]

Imagining how happy and free he is now. I’m sure his life is fine, great even while mine is a lonely mess.

 

But if he's still the self-absorbed, immature guy who thought an affair was a good idea, then his life can never be great. It can look good on paper but it can't give him fulfillment and joy.

 

And if he's truly reconciled with his wife like my husband has, then he had to do a million times more work on himself and his marriage than he ever put into conducting an affair. He may be enjoying a better life now, but only because he clawed his way out of a giant turd pile of his own making.

 

He fully gaslit me to believe that this was all me and I took advantage of him and he just wanted to be friends so I spend a lot of time going over that in my head to. And feeling the shame of that.

 

Well isn't he a peach. It must be so nice for nothing to ever be your fault. My wife made me cheat on her! The OW made me have an affair with her!

 

How can a guy who can't take responsibility for himself ever have a great life?

[heartwhole2]

I am not sure what would be there if I peel the anger back? Perhaps pride? Shame? Maybe shame. Regrets.

 

All I can offer is my belief that we are all worthy of redeeming ourselves. Sometimes we do things that aren't OK, that we can't take back, that harm others. And certainly we shouldn't just give ourselves a pat on the back and say "Everyone makes mistakes" and then keep on the same path. But I know a lot of cheaters and affair partners are filled with shame afterwards, and I hope they can find solace in their humanity, which makes all of us worthy of second chances.

 

The "low hanging fruit" analogy makes sense, that if you struggle with self-esteem you interpret the MM's interest in you as flattering, and his wanting to be with you over his wife the ultimate proof of your worthiness. But the fact is, he's having an affair with you because you're up for an affair. There's no way to know if he would choose you for monogamy if he were single. Almost certainly not, since he's not choosing monogamy with the lady he already promised monogamy to. If you think he's a prize, so therefore you're a prize, then you are heavily invested in ignoring any evidence that says he's not a prize. Once you have based your self-worth on your own opinion of yourself, then seeing the MM for who he is really is becomes easier.

[Twistedlove]

Im over 90 days no contact and I still have really hard days but then I think back I don’t ever want to feel the way I felt the first day the first week the first month even the seconded month. What’s small progress I have made. I have made progress. I still re read stuff some days I still cry myself to sleep missing him but then I have to remind myself he didn’t choose me. God has been my grace is all this truly.i pray one day we are all free from this and find the love we deserve. But first we must love ourselves enough.