Depression, Divorce, and Desire for another

[Cluelessman]

So, my wife and I have been married for 6 years, dated for 5 before that, we’ve always gotten along, I’d say, but my wife has suffered from depression for a long time, and it has gotten worse as the years have gone by. We have a 3 year old child together, and we do a pretty good job raising him together.

Her depression has led us to have a sexless, passionless marriage, she has no hobbies, no interests, and no friends of her own. I kept making suggestions to help with her marriage such as counselling, exercise etc... but they have fallen on deaf ears. Eventually I just gave up, And realized this would now be my life, not having fun and not having sex.

Recently she caught me texting another woman, who I have a real and deep emotional attachment too. The texts were terms of endearment and my wife, understandably upset says she doesn’t know if she can ever trust me again.

We have decided to go to couples therapy, and for the sake of our kid will do anything to try and fix this, however she told me I can no longer talk to the other woman, if there is any chance. I’m having a hard time keeping that promise because I can’t stop thinking about her, and when I picture my future, I picture it with her. How can I properly try and fix my marriage when I am infatuated with another woman? Is divorce inevitable, canna sexless marriage survive?

Part of me hopes it doesn’t work out so I can pursue the other woman, and I hate that I feel that way

[preraph]

First things first. You have a three-year-old. You CAN'T go do a bunch of stuff when you have to walk bent over behind a toddler all day! It IS depressing. It IS exhausting. This is what having a toddler makes you into! It drains everything you ever had from you energywise and patience-wise. It's NOT sexy having a baby and all through the toddler years. This is life.

 

You are wrong keeping up with that woman if you want to stay with your wife. Stop trying to justify your emotional if not more than that cheating by running your wife down and acting like there's something wrong with her. What's wrong with her is she had your baby and this is what it's like when they're 3!!!

[chryssy83]

You are cheating on your wife with the other woman. If you want to work on your marriage you have to stop cheating. Your wife is right that it will require you to cut off contact with the other woman. If you won’t do that you are disrespecting your wife and choosing your affair over your marriage and the marriage will not improve.

 

Your wife is right that she can’t trust you. You are apparently contemplating maintaining an affair while in marriage counseling? Cut off contact with the other woman and work on the marriage or tell your wife you want a divorce. And if that makes you feel bad because you have a child and it means breaking your vows, that’s just because you are breaking your vows and not doing right by your child. But at least then you’ll be owning it.

[chryssy83]

And your whole “she’s no fun, she’s depressed, she’s not sexy anymore” but is exactly what all the cheaters say. Your marriage sucks in part because you’re in a relationship with someone else on the side and I guarantee you aren’t putting energy into your relationship with your wife that would make her feel loved and supported and attractive. You aren’t attracted to her, you prefer the company of another woman to your wife’s, you are apparently only sticking around because of the kid. So how do you expect your wife to feel and behave? She may not know exactly why, but she knows how you feel toward her. She doesn’t have the benefit of an affair partner like you....you think your marriage is lighting some fire in her? It’s not, but she’s probably committed anyway which is why you felt so safe to start a relationship with your side chick.

[FMW]

You have to make a choice. If you are truly going to work on your marriage you have to cut off all contact with the other woman. She's a threat to your marriage, she can't be in your life if you are honestly going to try and save your marriage.

 

No, a sexless marriage won't work unless both parties are completely ok with it - and clearly you are not, you'll continue to be tempted by other women. So if you are truly trying to save your marriage re-establishing your sexual connection is a must.

 

If you are done with your marriage then leave, don't continue cheating.

[Turning point]

There's not a lot of empathy in your post for your wife. That's quite significant given the short duration of this marriage. I take it the only reason you got married was for the sex? Your wife has long since figured this out and it wouldn't surprise me if this was the source of her depression.

 

Your wife is hurting in some way, and you seem not to care all that much. Would you be equally callous had she been physically injured?

 

I get it that your wife is depressed and there isn't much in her life that is fulfilling. But, I have to ask - what have you brought to the table that would fill up her life? You appear to do well to care for yourself but are short on an ability to care for others?

 

Does your other woman know that you refer to a potential future with her solely in terms of your own sexual gratification?

Edited June 8, 2019 by Turning point

[snowcones]

And what about your Other Woman? Is she married? Is she childless?

If you divorce and embark on a life with her, you will likely want 50% custody of your 3 yo and you'll be taking care of him all by yourself. It's not so glamorous, trust me. And who knows what sort of unglamorous things your OW has going on in her life.

[Mr. Lucky]

I get it that your wife is depressed and there isn't much in her life that is fulfilling. But, I have to ask - what have you brought to the table that would fill up her life? You appear to do well to care for yourself but are short on an ability to care for others?

 

Having dealt with depression in my own family, not sure the blame should be laid at the OP’s doorstep. No spouse is justified in cheating, but there’s two separate issues here and the OP needs to judge them accordingly.

 

Drop the OW and focus on your child and marriage. At the same time, be realistic about the possible outcome...

 

Mr. Lucky

[giotto]

Depression is an illness. If she is depressed and doesn't want to work on it, it gets tricky. It sounds to me that you have already detached. Living in a sexless marriage is very difficult (I know... )... do you really want to save your marriage? If so, drop the other woman, go to couple counselling and see where you get to. If you don't (and this is my impression), do your wife a favour and divorce her, IF her depression is still manageable and can be managed in the future without adverse effects... good luck!

[Rotaglia]

Agree with the others that the OW must be dropped completely, no contact. Educate yourself and your wife about depression and make sure she receives appropriate counseling and psychiatric care. Be kind and warm to your wife. Smile at her. Be a joyful presence in her life and be a great dad. If you create the right soil and plant the proper seeds, your relationship might flourish and thrive again, but it will probably take time. Let your wife know that she matters to you and that you love her.

[Marc878]

Just because you're in a sexless marriage doesn't give you an excuse to cheat.

 

However, you should take a real hard look at your current marriage (from what you've posted you don't have one). Many stay in these things for years and it never changes.

 

Unless you like being a martyr and staying just for your kid get out now. From what I've seen sexless marriages never get better.

 

I doing believe in wasting life. It'd just to short.

[Marc878]

Agree with the others that the OW must be dropped completely, no contact. Educate yourself and your wife about depression and make sure she receives appropriate counseling and psychiatric care. Be kind and warm to your wife. Smile at her. Be a joyful presence in her life and be a great dad. If you create the right soil and plant the proper seeds, your relationship might flourish and thrive again, but it will probably take time. Let your wife know that she matters to you and that you love her.

 

I've never seen this path work. Living on hopium never gets you much

[Mr. Lucky]

Educate yourself and your wife about depression and make sure she receives appropriate counseling and psychiatric care.

 

Unless he’s willing to abduct or sedate her, he’s already said she won’t go. His options in the marriage are limited ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

You mentioned she previously did nothing to help her depression, but now that the OW has been revealed, she is willing to do MC. If you are serious about fixing your marriage, then drop the OW and give your wife a chance. Don't lead her on with false hope that your marriage has a chance, and then keep contact with the OW. If you're not going to give your marriage a fair chance to succeed, then end it now and don't drag your wife through months and/or years of lies.

[Destiny Couple]

How has the counselling gone for you two? Are you making any progress?

 

I understand that you feel you need to find another woman because you have needs but you are not getting them from your own wife.

 

Why do you think that she is feeling disconnected with you now?

 

I am wonder if her depression is due to deep relationship issues that need to be addressed.

[Orokotikki]

Stop stringing your wife along, if you hate her so much (which is what your ACTIONS show) or so self involved to consider only yourself (which is what your actions show) give her a divorce - thats the cost of seeing if this works out with this other woman without being a total sleazeball and causing incredible trauma to your wife.

 

For guys, usually a physical affair is worse, for women an emotional affair can be just as bad.

 

Maybe you think of yourself as a better person than your actions so far indicate to the rest of the world - start putting your actions in line with your values.

 

BTW couples counseling will do nothing to benefit the marriage while this emotional affair continues and has not been confronted or eradicated, just prolong everyone's pain and deepen your wife's trauma while wasting both your money).

[loversquarrel]

First things first. You have a three-year-old. You CAN'T go do a bunch of stuff when you have to walk bent over behind a toddler all day! It IS depressing. It IS exhausting. This is what having a toddler makes you into! It drains everything you ever had from you energywise and patience-wise. It's NOT sexy having a baby and all through the toddler years. This is life.

 

You are wrong keeping up with that woman if you want to stay with your wife. Stop trying to justify your emotional if not more than that cheating by running your wife down and acting like there's something wrong with her. What's wrong with her is she had your baby and this is what it's like when they're 3!!!

 

Funny, my wife and I have a toddler yet we always find the time (literally every other night) on top of working full time jobs. Hiding behind children as the reason for not having sex boils down to a serious lack of effort.

[Marc878]

Funny, my wife and I have a toddler yet we always find the time (literally every other night) on top of working full time jobs. Hiding behind children as the reason for not having sex boils down to a serious lack of effort.

 

Yep

 

It’s called a good marriage.