Lovejourney Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 I feel like I cannot trust my husband who i knew for years before getting married. This is because he lied about having a child when we met then revealed that he had one years later. Plus, he told me that at first he didn't know about the child only for me to find out that was a lie. Now I dont trust him like I did before. I asked him if he has feelings for the child's mom, he denies it but I'm still unsure. How can I get over this insecurity I have now? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 Did he explain why he felt the need to lie? Does he understand how his lies have impacted you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovejourney Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 He said he lied because at the time, he liked me and knew I didn't want a guy with kids. Then again because he wanted to see how I would react to him possibly having a kid. I told him I feel hurt by the lies. I dont want this to affect us but to me it's a big deal since relationships are based off trust and he lied. I feel like how can I learn to trust what he says? Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 I don’t really think you need to worry about him having feelings for the child’s mom, unless there is a bigger story that you haven’t explained. But yeah, I can see why you’d have trust issues. That is a huge lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 No you are not being insecure. A lie such as this would be a deal breaker for me, and would most likely end the relationship. No trust = no relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 You say you told him that you felt hurt by his lies, but what was his response? Is he trying to make things better or not trying at all? If you want help, we need to know more Link to post Share on other sites
Guildford Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 Lovejourney - I agree that this is a big lie and it is serious. On the other hand you are married and that makes a breakup more difficult. Other than this incident, how has the marriage been? Has he done anything else or said anything else that makes you suspicious? If this is the only problem, then I suggest that you have a long talk with him. Explain that this is a big deal, and if the marriage is to go forward then you expect him to be totally honest in the future. You could also ask if there are any other bombs waiting to go off. Good luck, and I would hate to see an otherwise good marriage destroyed over something like this. BTW, how old is this love-child? You don't say anything about child support. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 How he feels about the child's mom is the least of your problems. If he wasn't with her & denying the child at the time you met, you have to assume he has no feelings for her. The problem isn't even the child -- it's his cavalier attitude toward the life he created. He can't hide a whole person he helped make. Where is his sense of responsibility? Of decency? Has he been paying child support? Why didn't he come clean with you before you married? What kind of man is he that he thought it OK to start a marriage to you without letting you know the whole truth, especially since he thought you would not be with him if you knew he had a kid? His possible residual feelings for the mother of this child doesn't present a problem; his lack of respect for you is the real issue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 To clarify, did you marry him knowing he'd lied about having a child, OP? If so, why? If you found out after, I can see why you're now rethinking everything. If you have known this for a while, and married him anyway, I am curious what is now triggering you about it. Has he been in inappropriate contact with his child's mother or something? I have to echo d0nnivain's sentiment, too - your husband's callous attitude toward his own child is a red flag in and of itself. Hiding the little one's very existence would have turned me off completely and suggested this is not a man I can build a life with. It's not a man who takes responsibility and behaves with integrity. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 It's natural you don't trust him now, he's proven he will lie to you if he thinks it's in his best interest. I'm not sure how you regain trust after that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovejourney Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 No, I didn't marry him knowing he had a child hidden. He told me that there was a woman in a past relationship that contacted him telling him that she has a child and the possibly that the child could be his. He needed DNA. Then after he found out the child is his and now the woman is trying to keep him from the child. This is what I knew. So it goes from "Do you have kids?No. Are you sure? NO to there is a chance that I have a child that I didn't know about myself. This is a lie. The child was always around when we were dating. Nobody hid a kid from him, this isn't a child he's just finding out about. I met the kid and they told me "x, you know I knew my dad before you". There are pics of them at various ages together. He told me he lied because I told him while we were dating that I didn't want a man with children. He was afraid he was going to lose me then he tried to bring it up but never got around to it. Then he made up the DNA scenario to see how I would react if there was a possibility of him having a kid. I feel manipulated. All he had to say was the truth from the beginning which is "yes, I have a kid". This leds me to think that though he claims he dislikes his baby mother, he could hold feelings for her. Also, as my man he violated my trust. How can I trust him to do his duty as a husband? Plus, when I was telling him why he lied about the DNA situation and everything he told me, he acted like what he told me never happened. Like I'm a liar. Only to finally say he lied about everything because he didn't want to lose me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovejourney Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 I thought due to the supposed DNA situation and "she's keeping him from me now" thing that this child was someone he was just starting to know not a child that was around since forever meaning my husband was around his child and always knew of them. No DNA needed because the child is his twin. So I feel like who is my husband really and I lost respect for him. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 You were manipulated & this man LIED to you, repeatedly & elaborately. That is a very good reason not to trust him. However, it still is not evidence he cares about the baby mama. In some misguided way it shows that he loves you. Granted he picked the wrong way to show it, but he lied to keep you. That still makes him an untrustworthy liar but is actually evidence that he doesn't care about the baby mama. You need to focus on the correct issue & it's not the potential for infidelity. You two have a long way to go if this marriage is fixable. If you have lost all respect & can never look at him the same way again, just end it. So do you love him enough to work to get past this or his having a child really a deal breaker for you? If the former, call a marriage counselor. If the latter, call a divorce lawyer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 Unless you have other reasons to think so, there's no reason to think his lie had anything to do with having feelings for the child's mother. Do you have other reasons to be insecure about her beyond her being the mother of his child? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 So I feel like who is my husband really and I lost respect for him. That is a completely understandable feeling, OP. This man has some seriously shady traits. I don't think I could stay married to someone like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovejourney Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 It's the shadiness of it all. Like now he says "its no big deal, I told you about the child prior to us marrying (lies included) . So I told him if its not a big deal, why lie in the first place. Why pretend you never knew in first place of the child just because you and the mom have issues. He was never childless period. So it's not that I believe he has feelings for the mom. It's that I cannot trust what comes out of his mouth. I think marriage counseling could help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 That's a pretty big lie and one he knew you should know the truth before marrying you but never did.. he also is now blowing it off and making you out to shoulder some of the blame for how you feel. Counseling is the only thing that can help at this point, he seems beyond wanting to help save anything and just gaslights you about the lies.. Counseling can also help you get stronger about leaving if you feel thru counseling that the marriage isn't worth saving... I don't know how I would feel if a lie like this was told to me but know I would wonder what else they have lied about of what are they going to lie about in the future.. I think we all keep our past in the past, there is stuff about my past relationships I've never told my wife but nothing life altering that would affect her life or something she would think I lied to her about.. She did know however about me having been a Step Dad in the past and that I was still somewhat involved with her life (holidays and stuff like that). I think we should keep our pasts as part of the past but we have to have disclosure about the parts that would affect their future lives with us.. Good Luck... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 No, you definitely cannot trust him. The lies would bother me greatly, yes. What would also trouble me a lot is the very fact that he used his own child as a pawn in his lies; he devalued the poor kid to the extent that he pretended not to know if the child was even his. That takes a special kind of heartless human, and a serious absence of dignity and character. His feelings towards the child's mother would take a backseat to the spectacularly awful display of fatherhood, all for his own gain. It's disturbing. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 How old is he and how old is the child? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Where is his sense of responsibility? Of decency? Has he been paying child support? While I wouldn’t be happy about being lied to, the above would be the line in the sand for me. Fathering a child creates an obligation. What has he done to face up to those needs? Also, rare that someone creates a falsehood this big as a one-off. Are there other instances of him being less than truthful? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovejourney Posted June 9, 2019 Author Share Posted June 9, 2019 My husband is in his 30s and his child is under 12, born before we were together. My husband keeps saying that I'm acting like the kid was born while we were dating and it's not the point. The point is he was never childless like he presented himself to be. The child's mother isnt my concern. I feel like if he could lie about having a child, he could lie about having feelings for her or any other woman. He could lie about any thing basically and my trust in him is broken. He takes care of the child financially. I dont know anything else he could be lying about. I can only hope nothing else. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 You're right OP, he doesn't get it. H Lying about the existence of your own child is reprehensible. Utterly shameful. It's good that he pays child support but it's disgusting that he tried to pretend that he didn't even know if he had a child to begin with. Poor kid. That, to me, would be a deal-breaker. It says a lot about his character and how little he values his own child, and how easily he will try to manipulate others to get what he wants. I could not tolerate a man who behaves like this, especially as far as his child goes. He doesn't value honesty and he doesn't value fatherhood either. Our moral cores would be so wildly mismatched as to render a future together impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 I feel manipulated You are. I have a bagful of lies (not a secret child, but equally morally questionable, huge lies) my exH told me about himself and his family pre-marriage. That was his way in - I was happy single, didn't want a relationship, he played at my heart strings and took advantage of my inexperience and naivety (without getting into too much detail). Slowly as the truth unfolded, I caught on to the fact he was absolutely not the person he said he was. I felt in a constant fog of half-lies, half-truths to the point that I was doubting my sanity - he was telling me things one day (some major, some trivial) then denying them flatly the next, telling me I was making them up to create drama between us or making a mountain out of a molehill or a variation of it being 'for my own good'. He was hiding important stuff from me and I ultimately found out he was being unfaithful - nowhere near the worst thing he's done but that was the last drop. It took me 3 years to leave (I have 2 children with him) and 4 years of therapy to get rid of the mental / emotional scars. My advice is to leave now, without looking back. This is not a mistake on his part - it's a sign of who he is. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 My husband is in his 30s and his child is under 12, born before we were together.. Which is too vague to really answer my question, was this a very young guy getting his gf pregnant and then trying to forget all about it or was this an older guy in a relationship maybe, a fwb, a ONS even? What were the circumstances? Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 The circumstances don't matter. What matters is that he lied multiple times in order to manipulate her and get what HE wanted. If he'll lie about something like that, he'll lie about anything to get his way. It's about his character. Oh and secondarily, he is now fessing up to paying child support, which does impact her and marital finances. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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