BettyDraper Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 I don't think that I could stay married to a man who lied about such an important aspect of his life. A man who can be this deceptive will find it easier to be unfaithful or waste family funds behind your back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 He takes care of the child financially. Certainly a part of it. Can’t help but wonder why it’s “the child”? Your obvious resentment feels misdirected. Whether you’re on board or not, your H has a kid. Does he see or spend time with “it”? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 You say you dated him for years before you married him. He hid this child from you for years. Not just your first few dates or the first few months of dating. Years! It takes a certain type of personality to pull something like that off. A manipulative conniving self serving type of personality. I so disagree with the posters who suggested that this lie indicates how much he liked you. What it indicates is the lengths he will go to to serve himself. Also he didn't just tell one lie. It sounds like his kid knows him very well. Like they spend time together. I believe you said you have seen pictures of them together. That means that every single time he saw his child he lied to you about what he did that day. He lied to you about where his money goes. He lied to you about his past relationship. He had to tell you multiple lies to support the big lie. He denied the existence of his flesh and blood. Now to make matters even worse he's not showing remorse for what he did, instead he's trying to gaslight you with more lies! Alternating between denying that he lied and trying to convince you that it's no big deal and you are over reacting. There is something very very wrong with his thinking and you are right to be concerned and distrustful. I don't know if you should divorce over this but it somehow needs to be impressed upon him just how wrong and damaging his behaviour is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 I think if you take this issue to marriage counseling the dialogue with a third party will give you some better insight into who it is you are married to, and whether or not your concern about trust is warranted going forward. The presence of an interested person helping you to explore this will change the dynamic in the conversation. Manipulation, gaslighting, withholding etc. will all stand out much more when there is a second front. If this is repairable, then that too is something you can uncover and get some tools to use going forward. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 My husband is in his 30s and his child is under 12, born before we were together. My husband keeps saying that I'm acting like the kid was born while we were dating and it's not the point. The point is he was never childless like he presented himself to be. The child's mother isnt my concern. I feel like if he could lie about having a child, he could lie about having feelings for her or any other woman. He could lie about any thing basically and my trust in him is broken. He takes care of the child financially. I dont know anything else he could be lying about. I can only hope nothing else. My goodness this lie is enough you don't need more. He kept you in the dark that he has a child he's paying child support for and didn't tell you before you married him. That is grounds for divorce if I were standing in your shoes. I would never trust anything else that came out of his mouth after that. To use a flimsy excuse like "I thought you wouldn't want me" would even discuss me more. How can a man hide his own flesh and blood like they are nothing. Just no, hell no. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 Sorry but I'd be filing for divorce immediately. What a disgusting thing to lie about! How do you think his son would feel if he found out that his father denied his existence to trick you into marrying him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovejourney Posted June 11, 2019 Author Share Posted June 11, 2019 I dont hold any resentment toward my husband's child. I know that if they were to find out the truth- that daddy lied about their existence to get a woman they would feel terrible. I think I'm going to divorce him ultimately. I know he might flip it on me. Blame me for this. He already does. If I said that I wanted a man with a child he would have told me sooner. The blame is shifting from me to the mother of his child back to me. It's not my fault, his child's mother or the child that they share. This is my husband's fault. I wanted to try marriage counseling but I doubt it will work. He just thinks I should forgive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Destiny Couple Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 I'd like to add that is it a question of can we forget or can we forgive? We all make mistakes, and can we forgive, learn and more on. That is maybe what you could think about. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 I'd like to add that is it a question of can we forget or can we forgive? We all make mistakes, and can we forgive, learn and more on. That is maybe what you could think about. This level of deception is never a "mistake". This was a calculated and deliberate decision to deceive the OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 Did you know all of this before getting married or after? Was he married to her? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 I dont hold any resentment toward my husband's child. I know that if they were to find out the truth- that daddy lied about their existence to get a woman they would feel terrible. With all due respect, your posts say differently. There hasn't been a shred of empathy for this child's situation. Having said that, not sure I blame you. You H has put you in an untenable situation... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Did I misread a previous post that said he told you of the child's existence before marriage or did that not happen? Sorry for the confusion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovejourney Posted August 5, 2019 Author Share Posted August 5, 2019 Did you know all of this before getting married or after? Was he married to her? He told me that he had to get a dna in regard to the child. I found out after marriage that he knew about the child all along as did his relatives. He has pics of the child as a baby and the child looks just like him. He wasnt married to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovejourney Posted August 5, 2019 Author Share Posted August 5, 2019 With all due respect, your posts say differently. There hasn't been a shred of empathy for this child's situation. Having said that, not sure I blame you. You H has put you in an untenable situation... Mr. Lucky I like the child. I dont want to put up too much identifiable info even though this is the net. Thats why Im saying the child instead of the sex of the kid. Anyway, I just felt bad about the lying. But I want to move forward. The child and I are developing a good relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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