Is friendship after divorce realistic???

[Lex]

A bit of history:

 

My husband and I have been dating for 14 years and married for 3 with no kinds (29 yrs old now). I had been feeling unsatisfied with our relationship for quite some time -- not that it was bad at all, but just not great either and I felt like we were too young to settle with how it was. I felt like we were an old married couple already, never doing anything fun and I guess I felt just a little taken for granted overall. I just did not feel loved and appreciated very much.

 

I finally decided to bring this up - i know i should have done it earlier, but i admit that i am very much conflict avoidance Anyway, it started as a harmless conversation but over the course of two months ended in my husband saying that he did not think there was anything that we could do to fix our relationship and that he thought it would be a waste of time trying -- that even if we did manage to make it better for a little while it would inevitably end up back where we were. He says that he loves me, that Im his best friend and that he can't imagine his life without me but that he only wants me in his live as his best friend because neither of us can make the other person happy in a marriage.

 

We tried the therapy thing for about 3 months - he really agreed to go more out of guilt than anything else to allow me some kind of closure - but obviously that did not save our marriage. Some interesting things came out in therapy though... all of which lead the therapist to believe he was having a bit of a "quarter life crisis". Not realy ready to accept the responsibilities of an adult life and relationship and taking a few steps back to avoid it.

 

Needless to say, I have been devastated!! He has been a part of my life for so long and even after all the hurt he has put me through I love him and I would have done anything it took to try and make our relationship better.

 

All that being said, I am smart enough to know that I can't make him want to be with me - and I know I deserve better than being in a relationship that he does not really want (for whatever his messed up reasons are). I also know, that as hard as it will be, I will be fine - I may even be better off without him. I am really not angry (although i have had my moments), I am just really, really sad and disappointed. I can accept that starting out so young, maybe we have truly grown apart and things would not have worked for us, but what I can't accept is just giving up after not REALLY trying - not after we have been together for so long and still have such heartfelt feelings for each other.

 

I start a new job in the city in a week and am looking forward to getting a city apartment (whenever he either buys me out or we sell the house). I am starting to really accept it and move on, but I am mourning the loss of my marriage and my life as I knew it.

 

We both say that it is important for both of us to remain friends.....

 

What i want to know is - is that realistic?? Can there really be good friendship after the hurt and sadness of divorce? Would love to hear anyones thoughts/expeirences....

[alphamale]

Can there really be good friendship after the hurt and sadness of divorce? ....

most likely there cannot be...but there are exceptions

[wanda1974]

I have been divorced from my husband for 2 years now. We are good friends. I actually hang out with him and the woman he left me for...pretty silly, huh??? But it wasn't like that when we first seperated. There will always be hurt and anguish in any divorce, even if it's a mutual decision. Because you guys have been together so long, I really couldn't see you not being able to maintain a freindship. Best of luck to you.

[Pingu]

Your story reads pretty much identical to mine. Been together 12 years, married for 5. Got together young. He left three weeks ago and 'wants to be friends'. I can't see it happening given how much hurt and anger I feel. I didn't ask for my life to be this way -- he has made all the decisions. I've never known adult life without him but think that for me to move on, he can't be part of it in any way. Maybe I'll be thinking something different in a few months, who knows, but right now, I can't see myself being chummy with him.

[Pingu]

Your story sounds almost identical to mine. We met young and were together 12 years, married for 5. No kids. He left me a month ago -- he 'needed to be alone' and doesn't love me 'enough'. It was his decision and I hate how it seems like I have to live a future that I don't want. He wants to stay friends as I am still his 'best friend' but I can't even imagine it. I don't want to see him or talk to him as I can't take any more rejection and pain. I don't see us being buddies even in the distant future. There is just too much hurt -- on my end at least. And I could never be happy for him and any new girlfriend/wife/whatever.

[sundrop]

I thought me and my exhusband were on pretty good terms after our divorce. We were nice to each other when we spoke, which was limited. Until I found out a few weeks ago he was spreading horribe rumors about me.

So I think it depends on how grown up the two people are as to wether they could be freinds/friendly after a divorce, some people can, my exhuband was just to childish, but than again that;s why we divorced.

[sylviaguardian]

I have been divorced from my husband for 2 years now. We are good friends. I actually hang out with him and the woman he left me for...pretty silly, huh??? But it wasn't like that when we first seperated. There will always be hurt and anguish in any divorce, even if it's a mutual decision. Because you guys have been together so long, I really couldn't see you not being able to maintain a freindship. Best of luck to you.

 

Wow, that is amazing! You must be a really philosophical person!

[Donna P]

I am preplanning my divoprce as we speak. I know that when this happens we will not be friendly much less friends. We have been married for 32 years and I have very little fond memories. My husband is not physically abusive, but he pretty much makes me feel like >>>>>. In a perfect world we could be friends, but in a perfect world we wouldn't need a divorce.

[tonyp56]

Come on guys and gals, sometimes just because you aren't meant to be someones wife/husband, doesn't mean that you can't be friends. What attracted you to them and them to you? There was something there, wasn't there, and as such why would it not be reasonable to be friends. Lets face it, most likely if you didn't get involved with them as boyfriend and girlfriend, you probably would have been at least friends. Now you've spent several years with them, why couldn't you and him/her be friends now. Now sometimes one or the other or both don't want nothing to do with the other, but if you both are saying lets be friends, then why can't you be friends?

[allaboutchoices]

My parents remained friends. After the D they were living together.

Now it's changed a bit cause my dad has changed a lot due to drinking problems, but my mom is always there for him to support him.

The D was not pretty at all, but somehow they managed to stay on a friendship level.

[dgiirl]

I asked my therapist this question. Her answer, and it applied to me, I cannot be friends with my ex while I still have emotional feelings for him. I have to break the tie to him, and mourn my marriage. Otherwise, I'll always be hoping we'll get back together, and I'll never truely be able to move on and meet other people. For my own well being, i cannot be his friend while I'm still attracted to him. How do you get over that? You implement no contact for a period of time. For me, it's going to take a few years to build a life that does NOT involve him, so that my life is better without him in it, so that when/if we do want to remain friends, it's just that. Friends.

 

I havent burned the bridge with him. I've respected him and protected him from my anger. I havent told him all the horrible things i truely think about him in the heat of the moment. I've decided NOT to make that decision of friendship. Nothing needs to be final right now. In a year, or two or five I can always email him and see how he is and maybe THEN i can be his friend. But right now, since he left me, and I still have feelings for him (although they are starting to die after 8 months of very limited contact), I cannot be HIS friend.

 

I dont always hate him. I dont always wish bad things for him. This isnt a punishment towards him. It's for my own well being because I want to find love again and I cant while I still have an emotional investment with him.

[tonyp56]

dgiirl,

 

I understand what you are saying, however, I have a problem. Actually three, my kids, if I don't have any contact with her, then I won't have any contact with them:( . And I have thought about this "what if I could go a month or so without seeing my kids or her?" and that just kills me (not seeing her really doesn't bother me anymore, but not seeing my kids is what I wouldn't want).

 

This causes me to ask myself this question "how do I let go of her, when I have to see her everyday?" Not to mention, I see her with her new man, and that just destroys me. Yesterday, she called and asked what I was doing, I asked her why, and she said "cause I was wondering if you could help me get a refrigerator?" because I have a truck. Anyways, there I was holding my phone thinking "go duck yourself"--thought a different word, but I hope you get what I mean--anyways, instead my feelings for her kicked in and I was "ok." Even though she has hurt me so bad, I still love her, I still care for her, and I still want to do things for her. In the back of my mind I am saying she'll never come back and even if she does I won't take her back, but my heart continues to say "I love her, and I want her back!"

 

I agree with you, I have to get to a point where I am not wanting her anymore before I can be her friend. But the kids make it hard for me to avoid her more than a few days. I love her, but I love my kids more, and I can't go that long without seeing them or being with them, they are all I have left!

 

Anyways, I do, if you read my other post, believe in friendship after divorce. But like you said, anyone that does that has to let go of that person. I just don't have any easy ways of doing it. Any ideas? Anyone?

[scobro]

I cannot be friends with my ex while I still have emotional feelings for him.

QUOTE]

 

Same with me.My ex wants to be friends but thats because she doesn't have any emotional feelings for me anymore.I on the other hand do not want to be friends with her because it is just too hard emotionally on me it's easier and I think a little healthier to just wish each other well and never see each other again if no kids are involved.

[dgiirl]

dgiirl,

I understand what you are saying, however, I have a problem. Actually three, my kids, if I don't have any contact with her, then I won't have any contact with them:( .

 

That does make things a little harder. I guess this is one of the things I'm lucky about. No kids with my ex.

 

However, if I was in your situation, I'd still setup some boundaries. You dont need to phsyically talk to her every day (especially in the beginning). You can resolve a lot of things via email. I found it very useful because anything my ex would say would make me upset. But with email, I could wait a few minutes/hours/days b4 responding. I could get other peoples opinion on what pissed me off, etc. You can agree to keep certain things off topic. Dont talk about anything except the kids. Keep it very professional and very business like. You can tell her that seeing her with the other man is still hurting you and if he could make himself unavailable for the 5 minutes you show up to pick up the kids. You can ask for a third party, family member, to help with the pickups/dropoffs. There are ways to implement very limited contact without burning the bridge with your ex. If they understand that it's still hurting YOU, and not a way for you to control them, they should be more than willing to work with you. Especially if they are the leaver. They have guilt with causing you pain, so they should be willing to work on things within reason.

 

Same with me.My ex wants to be friends but thats because she doesn't have any emotional feelings for me anymore.I on the other hand do not want to be friends with her because it is just too hard emotionally on me it's easier and I think a little healthier to just wish each other well and never see each other again if no kids are involved.

 

I think this is wise too if there are no kids involved. Who knows what will happen in the future, but for the time being, be amicable, wish each other well, and leave each other alone. Build up a life that doesnt revolve around them, then see if you even want a friendship with this person.

[Woggle]

I know this sounds crueal but i could care less if I never saw my ex wife ever again in my life. I wish no harm on her and I would never do anything to harm her but I want nothing to do with her.

[tonyp56]

Actually it doesn't sound cruel. I just feel different, now that may change in another month or two if my wife keeps acting the way that she does. I loved her so deep that the thought of her not being in my life hurts. Perhaps not sure if I want her as my wife anymore, but I can't think of life without her. I may not know how to do that yet, but I'd like to.

[Woggle]

Actually it doesn't sound cruel. I just feel different, now that may change in another month or two if my wife keeps acting the way that she does. I loved her so deep that the thought of her not being in my life hurts. Perhaps not sure if I want her as my wife anymore, but I can't think of life without her. I may not know how to do that yet, but I'd like to.

 

I loved my wife deeply as well but she killed all that love when she betrayed me. Funny thing is she still still can't accept the fact that it's over. She still begs me to take her back but I think it is finally sinking in with her now that I have a new woman in my life. Actually I wish she would get some help because she has issues.

[tonyp56]

That does make things a little harder. I guess this is one of the things I'm lucky about. No kids with my ex.

 

However, if I was in your situation, I'd still setup some boundaries. You dont need to phsyically talk to her every day (especially in the beginning). You can resolve a lot of things via email. I found it very useful because anything my ex would say would make me upset. But with email, I could wait a few minutes/hours/days b4 responding. I could get other peoples opinion on what pissed me off, etc. You can agree to keep certain things off topic. Dont talk about anything except the kids. Keep it very professional and very business like. You can tell her that seeing her with the other man is still hurting you and if he could make himself unavailable for the 5 minutes you show up to pick up the kids. You can ask for a third party, family member, to help with the pickups/dropoffs. There are ways to implement very limited contact without burning the bridge with your ex. If they understand that it's still hurting YOU, and not a way for you to control them, they should be more than willing to work with you. Especially if they are the leaver. They have guilt with causing you pain, so they should be willing to work on things within reason.

 

Thank you, that is some good ideas, except we'd text each other instead of e-mail, cause she has no access to PC. Anyways, I'll try to do some of the things you suggest. The one about him not being right there when I show up to pick up, see or drop off the kids sounds like something I would like, don't know if she'd follow it or not though.

 

Anyways, thanks for the advice, and generally, for all of your comments. Thanks,

[tonyp56]

I loved my wife deeply as well but she killed all that love when she betrayed me. Funny thing is she still still can't accept the fact that it's over. She still begs me to take her back but I think it is finally sinking in with her now that I have a new woman in my life. Actually I wish she would get some help because she has issues.

 

I didn't doubt that you loved your wife, it is just, my wife hasn't made me hate her yet (She's working on it though). In other words, I haven't reached the end of my rope yet. I have taken a lot from her the last 7 weeks (Sept, 8, ok I've got 2 days before I hit 7 weeks), heck, I took a lot from her over the last 11 years (almost 7 married). I just haven't ran out of love for her yet.

 

I have ran it through my head a million times, wife says, "I am sorry, can I come home", I say, "hang on a sec--go get quarter and come back--here you go, go call someone who cares." I just hope if and when she comes knocking, I am moved on with my life, cause I know in my head that I am better off without her.

[slubberdegullion]

My first wife and I get along better now than we did when we were married. We're in contact on a regular basis, she maintains contact with my family and I with hers. (We didn't have kids.) We don't see each other that often - a couple of times a year, maybe, because we live a few hundred miles apart - but we send letters back & forth and maintain phone contact. She doesn't have a computer, though, so there's no email.

[dgiirl]

I know this sounds crueal but i could care less if I never saw my ex wife ever again in my life. I wish no harm on her and I would never do anything to harm her but I want nothing to do with her.

 

ha, been there, said that, believe it. But it's so final, and i've decided I dont need to make any final decisions on this right now. If I never see him again, I never see him again. I dont need to tell him I never want to see him again. I just need to let things happen. I'm also curious to see his own reactions. He's the one who said he wants to remain friends, doesnt want me out of his life. Well, then as the leaver, he's got to work hard at keeping this relationship alive. And right now, he hasnt done anything, and I'm curious when there's no more reasons to contact me, what's he going to do. I've been very friendly and amicable towards him. I havent slammed the door, but lightly closed it. All he has to do is knock. But I dont think he's man enough to do so. He accidentally let it slip that he's been watching my website. So he's the type of guy who will do things secretly without taking risks in life. Sums up my marriage. And 8 months separation, he still hasnt changed. He'll never change.

[Woggle]

ha, been there, said that, believe it. But it's so final, and i've decided I dont need to make any final decisions on this right now. If I never see him again, I never see him again. I dont need to tell him I never want to see him again. I just need to let things happen. I'm also curious to see his own reactions. He's the one who said he wants to remain friends, doesnt want me out of his life. Well, then as the leaver, he's got to work hard at keeping this relationship alive. And right now, he hasnt done anything, and I'm curious when there's no more reasons to contact me, what's he going to do. I've been very friendly and amicable towards him. I havent slammed the door, but lightly closed it. All he has to do is knock. But I dont think he's man enough to do so. He accidentally let it slip that he's been watching my website. So he's the type of guy who will do things secretly without taking risks in life. Sums up my marriage. And 8 months separation, he still hasnt changed. He'll never change.

 

All you can do is move on and be happy. That is what I have decided to do. I feel sorry for my ex. she knows she ruined a good thing and there is no way to get it back. She also has the nerve to insult my girlfriend and ask me what I see in her. I see it as jealousy on her part.

[Mz. Pixie]

Woggle,

 

We all know your exwife begs you to take her back, we don't have to keep seeing that in print babe.

[Woggle]

Woggle,

 

We all know your exwife begs you to take her back, we don't have to keep seeing that in print babe.

 

I just thought it related to this thread.

[AznGuy033]

This kind of reminds me of an old song. I think it's called "Ironic" by Alanis Morriset. Not sure though.

 

You brought the subject up with your husband, and he was the one that left. So often, even in love, this is how the game is played --- what we don't have is what we want. It's negative psychology or human nature. Call it what you will.

 

Are you sure you really want him and not to avoid being the one who was dumped? Is it him you want or the comfort of the life you had?

 

Your friendship, if that is what you seem to say is what you both really had for a long time, if it is real, will last. Maybe it will take time before you are ready, but it will last, if that is what your love ever was for so long.

 

If you can't bear to deal with him now, and he is really your friend, he'll be there when you are ready to be friends again.

 

Or, you can stay friends as you adjust to the change. It'll hurt a lot more, but such is the nature of sacrificial love.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. I know how it feels. Life is ironic.

 

 

 

 

A bit of history:

 

My husband and I have been dating for 14 years and married for 3 with no kinds (29 yrs old now). I had been feeling unsatisfied with our relationship for quite some time -- not that it was bad at all, but just not great either and I felt like we were too young to settle with how it was. I felt like we were an old married couple already, never doing anything fun and I guess I felt just a little taken for granted overall. I just did not feel loved and appreciated very much.

 

I finally decided to bring this up - i know i should have done it earlier, but i admit that i am very much conflict avoidance Anyway, it started as a harmless conversation but over the course of two months ended in my husband saying that he did not think there was anything that we could do to fix our relationship and that he thought it would be a waste of time trying -- that even if we did manage to make it better for a little while it would inevitably end up back where we were. He says that he loves me, that Im his best friend and that he can't imagine his life without me but that he only wants me in his live as his best friend because neither of us can make the other person happy in a marriage.

 

We tried the therapy thing for about 3 months - he really agreed to go more out of guilt than anything else to allow me some kind of closure - but obviously that did not save our marriage. Some interesting things came out in therapy though... all of which lead the therapist to believe he was having a bit of a "quarter life crisis". Not realy ready to accept the responsibilities of an adult life and relationship and taking a few steps back to avoid it.

 

Needless to say, I have been devastated!! He has been a part of my life for so long and even after all the hurt he has put me through I love him and I would have done anything it took to try and make our relationship better.

 

All that being said, I am smart enough to know that I can't make him want to be with me - and I know I deserve better than being in a relationship that he does not really want (for whatever his messed up reasons are). I also know, that as hard as it will be, I will be fine - I may even be better off without him. I am really not angry (although i have had my moments), I am just really, really sad and disappointed. I can accept that starting out so young, maybe we have truly grown apart and things would not have worked for us, but what I can't accept is just giving up after not REALLY trying - not after we have been together for so long and still have such heartfelt feelings for each other.

 

I start a new job in the city in a week and am looking forward to getting a city apartment (whenever he either buys me out or we sell the house). I am starting to really accept it and move on, but I am mourning the loss of my marriage and my life as I knew it.

 

We both say that it is important for both of us to remain friends.....

 

What i want to know is - is that realistic?? Can there really be good friendship after the hurt and sadness of divorce? Would love to hear anyones thoughts/expeirences....