Left me for another after 15yrs

[TroubleDuck]

Hi everyone!

I'm going to try to make this short even though my mind is racing trying to sum it all up.

 

Basically my ex and I have been dating since teenage years and we were supposed to be moving in together this autumn, however, our relationship has been somewhat stale for the past year or so and we never properly communicated our needs and expectations of each other or of the relationship as a whole.

Conveniently enough he met this girl last summer through mutual interests and formed an instant friendship with her... We all know where this is going right?

 

So basically 3 months ago now we have broken up, him bringing up all sorts of reasons (which tbh just sounded like excuses at that point, trying to justify abandoning our relationship), when in reality all of it could've been fixed by simply opening up to each other more sincerely.

He didn't give us a chance though because he already paved for himself an easy way out (the other girl). If he felt that we were so far gone he could've ended it independently of having a back up right?

 

He wanted to stay friends and we have been talking every day since the breakup, he's the one who initiates conversation almost all of the time. The only time we haven't spoken for days in a row is when he was obviously with the new girl. We still talk about all the same things we used to, nothing has changed about our communication except for the displays of affection, pet names, etc.

 

Now here's for the cherry on top - we're all part of a group chat (we've met through an online game) and I feel like this girl is trying to suck up to me, she comments and reacts to my messages and the likes. She knew about our relationship from the start, all along while he must've already been buttering her up for something more. It takes two to tango right? One who initiates inappropriate behaviour and one who tolerates it - her in this case. In my eyes she's just as guilty as he is.

 

Now I'm wondering... could this girl know he's keeping in touch with me so regularly? Why would she suck up to me? Does she feel threatened?

Also how likely is he going to blow it with her on account of staying close to me this way?

 

I know I sound like a vengeful bitch but I sincerely hope this fails for him because perhaps he'll finally get the push he needs to start looking more closely at his behaviour and reach some degree of emotional maturity.

 

I have so far cleared a lot of things up for myself and even if it eventually happens, I would only afford him a 2nd chance if he could accept being on his own for a while and bettering himself in the meantime. Not really counting on it though.

 

Hit me with your thoughts everyone, I'd love to hear different views on this bizarre dynamic I have going on right now.

[Redhead14]

Perhaps she is an adult who understands that he can and should talk to anyone he wants to talk to and be friends at least with someone with whom he had a 15 year relationship and it's better to play nice in the sandbox and, especially on Facebook, rather than create drama. I'd say she's feeling pretty secure with herself and in him. And, she probably understands the reality that if he decides he wants to be with you again, she won't be able to build a fence high enough to keep him from doing that. The same is true with you. You two were not married. He didn't owe you anything in terms of really working on it. Yeah, it would have been nice if he did but he was ready to move on. When it's time it's time.

 

As to why she's being nice, there's also an old adage that goes: "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer" . . .

[S2B]

Stop responding to any communications with him. Do that for yourself.

 

Start dating... you need to move forward knowing he’s a needy guy who doesn’t know how to be happy on his own - he monkey branches... that’s not good!

 

Start healing... by letting go.

 

Do not beg him to come back!

[Els]

The real question is: Why are you still talking to him?

[stillafool]

Redhead is right he isn't married and can talk to whomever he wants to and that includes you. If he has made her his girlfriend she is acting pretty secure in their relationship. What benefit could she possible get from sucking up to you. Maybe she feels sorry for you and doesn't want to rub it in your face or b mean. He has had plenty enough time to break up with her and beg you back but he hasn't. For your own sake you need to cut contact so you can get over him. Spying on them on FB is not going to help you get over him but keep you stuck and so is talking to him. You have to realize when it's over.

[TroubleDuck]

So only in marriage does somebody owe you their loyalty? Funny way of looking at things. A lot of people don't get married anymore.

How about being a decent/mature person in general not only when a piece of paper binds you to it?

 

Besides, wouldn't he at least owe it to himself and the 15 years he dedicated to someone to try his best before giving up?

Throw-away culture is too damn real.

 

Edit - last time we spoke about anything breakup related it was pretty clear he hasn't dealt with it in a healthy manner before moving onto his current relationship... just to give you a taste of the maturity level we're talking about here.

Edited June 8, 2019 by TroubleDuck

[Els]

So, again... why are you still talking to an immature guy who treated you like a throwaway?

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TroubleDuck]

So, again... why are you still talking to an immature guy who treated you like a throwaway?

I don't know... I guess I can't picture erasing someone out of my life after investing so much in them over 15yrs.

I know we may never be anything more than friends again, that much is clear to me at this point.

I'm just trying to analyze things out loud and including other people's perspective to make it easier for myself.

[lana-banana]

I don't see how this is a "bizarre dynamic" at all. He broke up with you---if someone wants to end a relationship, that is their prerogative and is indeed the correct course of action; there's no prize for sticking it out if you're miserable---and now you are all part of a generic group chat. His girlfriend is trying to be polite and decent to you. Is she supposed to be rude?

 

Of course adjusting to a change after 15 years is hard. But he didn't want to continue the relationship. It might have been fixable in your eyes, but he didn't want to fix things. He's in love with someone else. If you can't handle that it might be best to put the group chat on mute for a while until you're ready to handle it, and just mute them both on social media.

[TroubleDuck]

It's because this attraction for someone else that he ultimately didn't give it a shot at fixing things. Because he's the type of guy who thinks all feelings need to be acted upon.

I subscribe to the notion that long term relationships are to be treated like an investment. If there is more good than bad it's still profitable right? We were affectionate with each other up until the very end and he didn't exactly strike me as being miserable up until the last month before the breakup when he distanced himself somewhat. At that point he probably realized he had a shot with the other girl and didn't have to put in the effort to make it work with me anymore.

 

I have felt attraction and connection with other guys before and never felt the need to indulge because I knew I had a good thing with him. I guess it's very unfortunate for me that this connection happened for him while we were in a rut.

 

He admitted at one point that he knows he could've done better so I don't understand how he can live with not giving himself a chance to do exactly that before checking out.

[emeraldgreen]

You're making a common mistake of thinking that long term investment means that either of you owe the other anything. He might have been bored for years and the two of you might have been on autopilot for god knows how long. Anyone is allowed out of any relationship at any time. That's life. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be there. My ex-wife and I were talking about buying a house a month before we called time on the marriage. It's as strange as you guys not living together after 15 years, but sometimes the head makes plans even when the heart wants out.

 

You owe it to yourself to have total distance from these two. Just as he doesn't owe you his life, you don't owe him the time of day. By maintaining a friendly facade, the guy and his new girl might have even convinced themselves that you're doing okay with all of this, and okay is a while off. Give yourself the gift of time and silence.

[Lostinmyhead]

I can only really relate to the length of the relationship. My ex and I were together from 2005 to 2019 (we both are fresh 30y.o.s.). We did live together since highschool but you could see the slow demise of the relationship over the years.

 

It may or may not give you comfort...but in Feb when he left me, I thought surely he couldn't give up everything we had to be alone. Yet he did (he is still single). It has taken months but I finally had the strength for NC and honestly..after a relationship of that length...a period of NC is basically necessary.

 

Continuing to talk as you did will bring pain and confusion. There may be a day where you can reconnect as friends or otherwise, but try not to cling to anything - anyone can leave at any time. Despite how much it hurts.

 

Goodluck and warm hugs.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Troubleduck, I just want you to know you are not alone. I too am in a breakup of a 15 year relationship. I truly loved my mate but have to accept the fact that he has his own path in life. And he needs to do what he needs to do to grow as a person. I can only work on acceptance in the hope that I will grow stronger as a person.

Being alone is the scariest thing I have faced as I have never been alone.

I do know that NC has helped me immensely to stabilize my emotions.

[Simple Logic]

15 years and you were planning on moving in together? Sorry, but the whole thing is just weird.

[stillafool]

I agree. Why before the 15 year mark he didn't marry you. That is telling right there.

[TroubleDuck]

I guess I will have to clear this up because it's so weird to everyone.

He only recently bought his first apartment. We were seeing each other over weekends, since we live a couple of towns apart.

Where I come from it's not uncommon for people to rely on their caretakers for a roof over their heads well into their 20s (early 30s). It's pretty much expected of youth to pursue a higher education because you're told from a very young age it's "the only way to get somewhere in life", meaning you're stuck in the education system until your mid 20s. It's the sad reality of eastern european economy. You consider yourself lucky to have an indefinite contract at any given job by the time you hit 30.

[ExpatInItaly]

15 years is a long time to be together, yes, particularly when you start dating as teenagers.

 

I think he realized he had outgrown the relationship. People change so much in that period of their lives and such relationships often don't survive the transition into adulthood. One party generally gets curious about what else is out there and they want to stretch their wings before settling down forever. Yes, he would have worked on it if he had wanted to - unfortunately, he didn't want to. A painful realization, I know.

 

Whether or not his new girlfriend would have a problem with him talking to you is irrelevant, really. It doesn't change the fact that he was evidently so emotionally checked out and not committed that he chose to walk away. That is a problem that she didn't create on her own, and not something the potential demise of their relationship will solve either.

 

I would stop talking to him, for your own sake. You don't need to be in direct contact with him. And yes, his new girlfriend probably feels guilty for getting close to him behind your back while you were still and is trying to play nice, but I wouldn't engage with her, either.

[TroubleDuck]

I'm not engaging with her in any way whatsoever (I talk to others within that group chat, mutual friends), I just noticed she's now going out of her way to be nice.

 

As for growing apart and changing drastically as adults... I don't really believe our problem is of this nature. We still have a lot in common - humour, interests, hobbies, values, views on life.

 

Sadly we are both quite incapable of effectively expressing our thoughts, needs and openly discussing issues which ultimately resulted to be the demise of our relationship.

 

The painful realization for me specifically is knowing that these skills of communication can be learned but yes, he decided he didn't want to do it anymore.

 

And yes, most likely it's the curiosity that killed the proverbial cat. I think perhaps the thought of finally living together scared him enough to convince himself our issues were irreparable and that way he could justify to himself looking for other options.

[stillafool]

I guess I will have to clear this up because it's so weird to everyone.

He only recently bought his first apartment. We were seeing each other over weekends, since we live a couple of towns apart.

Where I come from it's not uncommon for people to rely on their caretakers for a roof over their heads well into their 20s (early 30s). It's pretty much expected of youth to pursue a higher education because you're told from a very young age it's "the only way to get somewhere in life", meaning you're stuck in the education system until your mid 20s. It's the sad reality of eastern european economy. You consider yourself lucky to have an indefinite contract at any given job by the time you hit 30.

 

This is pretty much the way it is in the US as well. If going to stay on campus most leave home at 18. There was a time it was unheard of not to have your own place by 25.

[stillafool]

 

And yes, most likely it's the curiosity that killed the proverbial cat. I think perhaps the thought of finally living together scared him enough to convince himself our issues were irreparable and that way he could justify to himself looking for other options.

 

Yes he wanted to see what else is out there and it he's never dated anyone but you that is the right thing to do at his age. I think it would benefit you to do the same. I'm sorry he hurt you but you'll be okay. ((hugs)))