Speaking up. Abused by my ex girlfriend.

[MATTYD]

Hi all,

 

So the relationship I'm about to talk about ended just over four weeks ago.

 

We met through tinder Jan/Feb last year. Things happened very fast. Would arrange dates within days of the current one. She moved in very fast. I now wonder if this was more cause she didn't like being at her mum's.

 

She'd had far more boyfriends than I'd had girlfriends. I think this might partly to do with her craving attention/love from men due to a neglected childhood. Her dad violent to her mum and not around.

 

She had a very high sex drive but that was fine by me. At first I wasn't super confident but once I was comfortable with her it was all good and sex 2-3 times a day.

 

So yeah in the beginning it was all I'd ever wanted. Someone I clicked with so much and thought I'd marry and have a family with. So last August proposed to her and she said yes. (writing that last sentence has just made me tear up as I remember the night as if it was yesterday and how happy she was and overwhelmed)

 

Things went pear shaped fast when I found out from her family she was an alcoholic. And I think me knowing this she hated. Guess her secret was out? A few occasions she'd poor water over me when I was in bed. She'd hit me. She tried to take control of the car if I was driving. She threatened to kill me, threatened my family. When drunk and in a rage last year she went AWAL. When she got back she chased me up the stairs. I locked myself in the bathroom. I remember her saying 'don't mess with me' And then hearing an almighty crash downstairs only to find a hole in my lounge. She said with regards to this 'shame it wasnt your head'

 

She saw nothing wrong with messaging other guys being flirtatious. She had a lot of male attention which she loved and played on it. She'd say I can have any guy I want. One of the many times she split with me she slept with a guy (well says she did) and told how he nailed her!! WTF??

 

She went off to the Isle Of Wight end of last year to hang out with a guy she was kinda with. But he just went off partying (is a drug dealer) And she had not a grear time. Asked me to come to her aid and me being a soft touch/nice guy I did. Got no thank you for it. Just more abuse that I didn't find her fast enough. Would I of got more respect if I did **** all? A day or so after this her sister reports her to the police cause she's driving round drunk. They find and arrest her. She's 4/5 times over legal limit and gets a 3 year driving ban and 250 hours community service. And I'm still by her side. But all she says/said is I'm not enough for her, not man enough, don't do enough, I'm boring. Nobody likes me. My family hate me. Her family hate me. Says the reason my relationships haven't lasted long is cause of me. She's hit me countless times. I have photos. She has photos of a few occasions when I've restrained her and caused a bruise or two. Let me make the point of alcoholics bruise immensely easily. She's reported me to the police about one of these incidents. What she would of failed to point out is the bit where she was attacking me before. I was arrested just over three weeks ago. Heard nothing more. My uncle, a retired lawyer for the prosecution said he'd be surprised if this goes any further. He said the fact she has a conviction looks awful on her. Plus I have an eyewitness of her attacking me. Funny how a week later she sends me a friend request on facebook.

 

She tried to kill herself last year. Maybe more half heartedly as it was more a cry for help I think. Would use emotional blackmail on. Threaten to do something stupid if I didn't come to her.

 

This is quite odd. Beginning of this year talking about stuff in the bedroom. She wanted to bring a guy in and use him as our slave and me **** him!! I said no way and she just says 'well I'll go and find someone who will'

 

She'd criticise my performance in bed. I won't lie everything I've just told you has naturally had an effect on me. So yes maybe towards the end I wasn't the lover I use to be her in the beginning. Think that's understandable though.

 

She's already with another guy, who's threatened me. Someone from uni. He confessed his love for her earlier this year which of course she would of fed of and loved the attention. I found out how she was taking to another guy on facebook, saying to him about her new guy and how he's a good f**k etc. That was a bit hard to hear. I find it incredibly hurtful that she's cast me aside so fast. Imagine I've been completely slagged off to this new guy and her friends. Well she'd call me the narcissist, sociapath, gaslighter etc. When it is her.

 

My counsellor says she'll still br drinking and no guy will sort her out. Only she can. I do have a daily battle in my head wondering if there was anything I could have differently so it didn't end up so toxic? I wonder if she's been like this with other guys? She said I made her like she is.

 

I've been knocked down pretty bloody hard. I want to contact her but I know that's the worst thing to do.

 

I like to think in this situation it actually really wasn't me!!??

 

Thanks for reading.

[preraph]

You can't fix other people. Her journey is going to play out despite what anyone around her does. You just got caught up in it and then kicked out of it. It's best not to try to stay involved with chaotic people. You can't fix them and you can't live with them. You can love them and wish they were who you hoped they'd be, but they're not. So you move on.

[MATTYD]

Thanks for your reply Preraph.

 

Yes you're right. You can't steer someone off destructive a path if they've had many opportunities to get off that path. I did what I can. I thought that was quite a lot but it was still nowhere near enough. I just wanted to save her and love her. I deeply miss her, which I get told is normal.

 

Thanks

[Beendaredonedat]

I think you should look up codependency and read everything you can on it so that you don't pick and stay far too long with someone just like her in the future. You appear to have White Knight Syndrome so look that up as well. No guy who didn't have codependency would run to save her after a failed date with another man when he's been treated the way she treats you.

 

Her? Well I'd look up Borderline Personality Disorder and I'm sure you will note that most of the symptoms of that personality disorder resonate with her.

 

Block, delete, work on yourself to facilitate the changes you need to make (because you are the only person you can ever change) and do the mental work you need to do to put her and keep her in the past. She is mentally dysfunctional and could possible change with ongoing, extensive therapy. You? well you just have to learn to unlearn some dysfunctional ways of relating (likely due to a dysfunctional childhood).

 

Good luck.

[MATTYD]

Thank you for the last reply.

 

Looked up them borderline personality disorder and white knight syndrome. Wow I cant believe how much they relate to her and I.

 

Is it wrong to rescue and love someone when they're abusive to their partner? I know a lot of my mates wouldn't have put up with her crap. Makes me feel weak.

 

I do hope she gets better. But as my councillor said to me, and also a charity called turning point for people with drug and alcohol addiction. It's one hec of an uphill battle for her. She's 36 and always had an addictive nature and had a drink problem for 3-4 years. She's had bad relationships with guys. Lost a baby or two. One of her boyfriends had his ex rock up being pregnant with his child. She's probably been cheated on but then she probably has also. She's having therapy once a week.

 

I'd be highly surprised if she has told this new guy she has a drink problem. She's always wanted a baby and we tried for one once. This new guy has a little boy from his marriage so maybe she likes that he has a kid.

 

Thanks

[MATTYD]

Do you think she may of been abusive in other relationships?

[d0nnivain]

Of course she was abusive in other relationships.

 

You can't fix her. What you can do is learn from your mistakes. If you like fixer up projects buy a run down house Don't try to save someone from herself. It can't be done

 

1) Never move in with somebody until you have dated them for at least a year.

 

2). Don't get engaged to somebody until you have dated them for at least 2 years. You met off Tinder in Feb & got engaged in August?!! What were you thinking?

 

3). Don't stay with people who physically hurt you.

 

4). Don't stay with people who cheat on you & disrespect you.

 

5). Learn to recognize the signs of addiction. How did you miss her alcoholism until her family told you?

 

 

Let her go. Self soothe & move forward.

[MATTYD]

Well d0nnivai,

 

If I had all the answers to your questions then I probably wouldn't be posting on these type of forums!

 

Guess I just let my big heart rule my head and thought everything would be o.k and she wouldn't always be abusive.

 

Anyway. Lesson learnt!

[anika99]

Well you need to figure out the answers to those questions.

 

You're problem isn't that you got a big heart. It's more along the lines that you lack healthy boundaries and you possibly have some problems with codependency, maybe an attraction to drama. Plenty of big hearted people would never put up with any of what you put up with

 

You can't fix other people. Your ex probably lied about whomever you thought you were rescuing her from. He was probably being abused too. Abused women can't be rescued. Yes they may need assistance in getting out but that needs to come from healthy and impartial sources. Not a new romantic interest.

[Beendaredonedat]

Do you think she may of been abusive in other relationships?

 

Yes. She is disturbed and shouldn't be dating at all. People like her don't change without extensive therapy and even then it may be futile. I'd try to forget about her and talk to your therapist about codependency and if she/he doesn't have any experience in dealing with it then get yourself one that is proficient in it so that you work past it and don't find yourself addicted to someone just like her in the future.

 

You have to learn to love yourself enough to quickly dump women lie her, not stay and try and save them.

 

Good luck going forth.

[MATTYD]

Thanks everyone,

 

As each day passes it gets a little easier. Worst times are just before bed and first thing in morning.

 

I do always ask myself if I wasn't always coming to her rescue and had a bit more of a don't give a **** attitude would she of respected me more?

 

When I did stand my ground with her she just threw a tantrum I guess cause she knew deep down at times I was right which she hated.

 

Yes my councillor knows about codependency. Have another appointment with her on Wednesday.

[darkmoon]

How will all her escapades look once her looks go? a hot mess with no redeeming features

[vla1120]

You dodged a bullet with her. Imagine spending the rest of your life bailing her out of those situations. Imagine if she got pregnant and had a child. Is that the type of mother you would want caring for an infant? Hopefully, one day she will straighten herself out. Let it be on someone else's time, not yours. I know you miss her, but some day you'll meet someone who is worthy of your caring ways.

 

When you start to miss her or feel sad, just take yourself back to the very worst day you've had with her. You'll be thankful you escaped that life!

[MATTYD]

Just another quick message to say I appreciate all these replies.

 

How odd. Just found out she's unblocked me on facebook! Very strange.

 

And call me paranoid. But I just checked my recent login locations. And yesterday my login location was Poole which is East Dorset in England. This is where she has moved to with this guy and his parents. It's never said this area before. Am I being over concerned?

 

Thanks

[MATTYD]

How will all her escapades look once her looks go? a hot mess with no redeeming features

 

Darkmoon I tell you what she looks older than what she is. Guess a lot of alcohol can do that.

 

Been reading into the effects of long term alcohol abuse. It's quite scary and very sad. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[d0nnivain]

Just found out she's unblocked me on facebook! Very strange.

 

And call me paranoid. But I just checked my recent login locations. And yesterday my login location was Poole which is East Dorset in England. This is where she has moved to with this guy and his parents. It's never said this area before. Am I being over concerned?

 

No you are being under-concerned. She has your password. Change it IMMEDIATELY & block her everywhere.

[vla1120]

Just another quick message to say I appreciate all these replies.

 

How odd. Just found out she's unblocked me on facebook! Very strange.

 

And call me paranoid. But I just checked my recent login locations. And yesterday my login location was Poole which is East Dorset in England. This is where she has moved to with this guy and his parents. It's never said this area before. Am I being over concerned?

 

Thanks

 

No, you're NOT being overly concerned. Who knows? She could have had a keylogger on your PC, or whatever. If she knows you password(s), she could do quite a bit of damage. Change all your passwords!

[vla1120]

Also, she's a user. She'll want to keep someone like you in her back pocket for the times she's stranded, needs to be bailed out of jail, etc. You need to go no contact and block her on everything.

[MATTYD]

Thanks everyone.

 

O.k noted. I think her new guy is a bit up on technology/computers so like you say who knows.

 

But on the other hand I doubt she'd tell him if she was. She kept it quite secretive with me when she was looking in on previous boyfriends.

 

Hands up I did once or twice check her facebook. But that's when we were engaged and I had reason to believe she was being unfaithful which on some level she has been. And one time when she just disappeared to see an ex and her family and I were worried as she was not in a great way and went silent for a while. So only out of concern for her wellbeing.

 

But yes taken the necessary precautions now.

 

Thanks

[MATTYD]

P.S

 

The login location location in Poole did say it was my phone model though. She doesn't have same phone as me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

A little off topic, but why were you even looking at where you last logged in? I don't think I've ever looked at that on my phone/Facebook.

[amaysngrace]

She sounds horrible. I’m glad you survived her.

[MATTYD]

A little off topic, but why were you even looking at where you last logged in? I don't think I've ever looked at that on my phone/Facebook.

 

Because CautiouslyOptomistic after everything I've explained on here about my experience the past year and a bit. I'm worried I may not of seen or heard from the last of her. So that's why I checked.

[Beendaredonedat]

Just another quick message to say I appreciate all these replies.

 

How odd. Just found out she's unblocked me on facebook! Very strange.

 

And call me paranoid. But I just checked my recent login locations. And yesterday my login location was Poole which is East Dorset in England. This is where she has moved to with this guy and his parents. It's never said this area before. Am I being over concerned?

 

Thanks

Block and delete her. It sounds like she has your account password(s). Zero contact means all access to social media too.

[Amy1992]

Thank you for the last reply.

 

Looked up them borderline personality disorder and white knight syndrome. Wow I cant believe how much they relate to her and I.

 

Is it wrong to rescue and love someone when they're abusive to their partner? I know a lot of my mates wouldn't have put up with her crap. Makes me feel weak.

 

 

An a-sexual very Christian person would probably say that God wants us to love and rescue unconditionally, and that trying to save people's souls is the moral thing to do. But anybody who understands how male rescuing instincts tend to be tangled up with sexual desire would probably take a dimmer view. And I think any other woman you dated would certainly see it otherwise, unless she was incredibly naive or wilfully blind to life's realities.

 

I suspect that you're still hung up on your abusive ex, but know how unhealthy the relationship was and are struggling with the conflict between emotions and logic. I hope the therapy sessions help you to move on from this horrible chapter in your life.