How do you get a couch potato brother who was injured to be active again?

[max3732]

My brother used to be extremely fit and was a champion at multiple sports. We used to compete with/against each other all the time and he usually won. When I went away to college he didn't have me to play with and got into this thing with buying all kinds of food like pizza with coupons and stopped exercising that much. Then when I got back after graduating he'd exercise, but he was still eating like twice as much as before.

 

A few years later he got a pretty bad injury that required surgery and physical therapy. At that point he said he's never playing sports or going to exercise again and he has kept his word. After doing physical therapy everyone says he is fine to exercise, but he won't do it. For recreation now all he does it sit in the front of the computer playing video games, chatting with people and ordering things online.

 

I always ask him if he wants to join me and he says no. When we have a meal together he eats like 3 times what he used to and he gets very angry if anyone suggests getting food that's healthier or asks him about the calories or nutrition in what he is eating.

 

It really breaks my heart to see my own brother, who was always a great athlete and very adventurous, outgoing, and fun turn into a couch potato. He weighs so much now that he's unrecognizable from before and can't even fit on a normal airplane seat.

 

When I go out I tell him how much fun it is and he always complains it's too hot and says he doesn't care about outside activities anymore.

[JuneL]

Sounds like he has depression and has given up on himself. Watch My 600-lb Life with him; tell him that would be his future if things keep going the way they are.

[Foxhall]

you need to work on sparking his competitive edge again,

 

it can be psychological more so than the injury,

 

I was quite a good squash player, I played at International level as a teenager,

 

after a car accident five years ago, I broke my arm quite badly and did not lift a racket in four years,

 

went back to it this year and even though the arm is healed I found myself very tentative with my play,like I was afraid to put any force or energy into the shots,

 

then I was playing a guy one evening, he goaded me a bit can you not give me a better challenge, you should not even be playing in the tournament,

 

I got in practicing again the next day pushing it and I found the ability was still there, ok I have lost a little power but I can still hit it much harder than I am,

 

I says **** it I am going back into these squash competitions and I am in here to win,I am pushing this arm to the limit, these opponents will walk over me no longer,

 

so im back now, I cannot win all the matches but I know I can win against most of the members again,

 

the competitive edge is important for me, lol I would not compete if I cannot win,

 

your brother needs to get that competitive edge again.

 

perhaps small steps, get him out in the fresh air, walking , swimming, get into social group activities, golf even its not that strenuous.

 

I know I feel very snoozy if I was in a house all day, have to get outside in the fresh air and I come alive.

[preraph]

You're being insensitive. you have no idea what it's like to get an injury that you have to have physical therapy for and you are never the same. Anything you do can make it worse again. The exercises that he is okay to do are the exercises that are in line with his physical therapy.

 

I had physical therapy for 7 months on a torn meniscus and there are a whole lot of things I can't do. if I just get up the wrong way with my leg in the wrong position I can undo all the good I did in physical therapy and be in a lot of pain. Physical therapy doesn't totally fix anything.

 

You need to stop thinking that he is whole again. This is what happens when you get an injury. Back off and leave him alone.

[JuneL]

In his case, just taking regular walks and eating (a lot) less would go a long way.

[basil67]

He needs to want to do it for himself.

[anika99]

I'm thinking he has fallen into a depression and if depression is at the root of this problem then nagging him about his food choices and lack of exercise is not the right approach. Imagine going to the hospital with a gun shot wound and the attending physician starts lecturing you to stop drinking so much. "um, okay but for right now can you help me get this bullet out of my head"

 

It's really hard to help someone who doesn't want to be helped and who doesn't want to talk but I think the first step is to get him talking. You do that by being nonconfrontational and non-judgemental. Maybe start by asking to play video games with you from time to time. Just start keeping him company here and there. Then bring up some happy memories from the good ole days, reminisce with him as a way to gently remind him of how things used to be. Ask questions but don't interrogate. Joke around with him, make him laugh. Let the conversation flow naturally and let him slowly open up about what is going on inside of him. When the time is right let him know that you really miss your old relationship with him. None of that is going to fix him but it might just be enough to make him want to take the first step to helping himself.

[preraph]

Do things with him he wants to do because he can't do everything and you need to learn his limitations. He's clammed up about it because so many men think they're unmanly if they get injured or sick.

 

You know, I can't go to the mall with my friend or to a museum, but I can go to the zoo because they rent handiscooters. I can't walk a block up the street without doing myself some damage, but I can go to the casino and walk some there because there are chairs by all the slot machines I can stop and relieve pressure in my knee and hips and then keep going. He has limitations and he's either not letting you know exactly what they are or you're just not accepting it. I can enjoy being in a pool -- but only a pool that has concrete steps with a rail to get in and out, not a city pool that only has ladders.

 

Just trying to make you understand what it is to have limitations and pain.

[d0nnivain]

Don't push too hard but do gently nudge. When you see him sitting on the couch try to persuade him to go for a walk. Find "active" things he can do -- play pool, play mini golf, maybe regular golf, swim etc.

 

Talk to him. Give him a safe place to open up. He's most likely hurting emotionally. If you can get him to address that pain the physical issues will follow

[alphamale]

if he has clinical depression chances are he wouldn't be eating anything at all. last time I had a serious bout of depression I lost 20lbs (and I was sleeping 23 hours per day)

[JuneL]

if he has clinical depression chances are he wouldn't be eating anything at all. last time I had a serious bout of depression I lost 20lbs (and I was sleeping 23 hours per day)

 

Others may binge eat or have emotional eating problems.

[Stilnaught]

I've been there as well. Suddenly having to cope with a heavy illness, and helplessly having to watch how your muscle degrades and your physique in general goes sour is bàd for your mental state as well.

 

 

My biggest problem was the aftermath. You know how many years you spent trying to get where you once were. You suddenly notice a glass ceiling while doing an effort to get back at it, at a place you've never felt it (the older you get, the worse it is i guess). It throws you to the ground, and may provoke a sense of "escapism": you feel like you should put your mind on other things, things you're still good at. You want to convince yourself that it's time to give up on it, that fate has decided.

 

 

 

But if he didn't care about his physique, he wouldn't have been extremely fit in the first place. He will always have it on his mind. That's because his inner wolf is still up there, in his mind, but along with a lot of wounded pride now, sobbing and making sure he won't get peace.

 

 

 

He must come to reality, realising both his current state ànd the fact that coping doesn't suddenly 'happen'. It might require time. It might require facing an emotional sledgehammer (being called fat once too much, crashing through a seat, not fitting inside clothing anymore, ...). It might require counseling. Everybody is different.

 

 

Try to motivate him. Keep trying to draw him in. Lower the bar a bit (what got me going, is restarting my sport in a recreational league. With a bit of effort, someone who was good at it once might become the best there), and take it step by step. Getting the ball rollin' is the hardest part.

[alphamale]

I think your bro needs a good shrink

[darkmoon]

I talk over a meal, gently, with my brother, but the idea that a sister can successfully tell a brother what to do, meh.

 

 

 

Listen to his side of the story. He has already flared up at you! So stop invalidating him.

 

 

 

He is older now. Maybe he just wants to leave the sporty stuff behind.

[Lotsgoingon]

He definitely sounds depressed, withdrawn and defeated. The problem of passivity--his unwillingness to engage--most likely goes far beyond exercise.

 

So I would say start with a different question: what happened in the family--or in his life--that demoralized him since you went away?

 

Start talking to him gently ... very gently ... about his life. Sounds like he has no will ... Perhaps then ask other family members about what they think is going on with him ...

 

Ideally he can get to therapy and/or a psychiatrist ... but he sounds so defeated that he'll likely not be able to get up enough hope to take advantage of professional help.

 

I truly doubt this guy is spending the rest of his life productively engaging himself--and exercise is his only problem. Think more broadly. And don't assume you can change him. What he might just need is some real sisterly love and acceptance. Accept him first ... recommend changes only later ... Sometimes acceptance can help people make changes on their own.

[schlumpy]

I was never a competitive athlete. My best 10K was 38 mins 43 secs. No where good enough but I ran 6 miles a day into my late 30's until my ankles said no more. I then switched over to bicycling because I'm fortunate enough to live in an area with great bike trails.

 

Your brother was very good. He was in an arena where a few seconds make you a champion or a chump. Once you lose that, it's difficult to want to train knowing you can never touch the sky again.

 

At this point he is destroying himself and I doubt very much any family member will be able to help regain the spark he once had. If you are serious and want to try - quit enabling him. Feed him a normal meal and if he wants more then he can fix it himself. Don't bring him stuff and make him go out and get his own damn potato chips. That's about all the family will be able to accomplish.

 

He needs a strong figure in his life either new (strong willed women that will whip him into shape) or old (a former coach or coaches) that are willing to intervene to save his life because he is headed for early death. I think the latter can be accomplished.

 

They could visit him, yell at him like in the good old days, and then keep tabs on him through facebook. I really think an old authority figure in his life is your best bet if you can get some to cooperate.

 

Best Wishes to your brother, yourself and your family