killerqueen7 Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 Hi everyone, I'm new to this board and, honestly, I registered because I needed someone to talk to who is 100% objective, as I am currently in a confusing situation. I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years - he works so much abroad that I consider it a LDR. We've been through SO much together from my parents' disapproval to his affair and, thankfully, we always managed to work it out. My boyfriend is extremely successful when it comes to his career and I feel very proud of him but, unfortunately, he has been sacrificing the relationship a lot. For the past two years I have been accepting the fact that I am not a priority and that he has to focus on his career because he used to tell me that he is working for us and for our future family. I always figured that it wouldn't go on forever. Silly me. Fast forward to now, I am unhappy. My boyfriend prioritizes work over everything - even his own health. When he is away, he only talks to me if he can fit it in. I feel pathetic for asking for attention and love. I keep bringing up the difficult subjects because I want them worked out, but I am constantly told that I only focus on the negative stuff, so I'm even afraid to mention it because I know he'll get annoyed. And I confess that I can be difficult - I can be very stubborn. But when I don't feel good about something, I wanna talk about it. My bf prefers focusing on the positives and I don't know what to do anymore because every difficult question I ask is just ignored. He just changes the subject. Now, I know that my bf is working HARD and I've seen him build his career from scratch but he has mentioned many times that he's not gonna stop yet. The problem is that I don't know if I should just let him go and do his thing? I feel so lonely but I know that he loves me a lot - there is a LOT of love between us - but we are not on the same page right now. What would you do in my place? Should I let go? Should I keep fighting? I am 100% lost, confused, and miserable - and yet hopeful that maybe, someday, my boyfriend will be back to his old self where career and money weren't his life. Please help. Any advice is welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years - he works so much abroad that I consider it a LDR. We've been through SO much together from my parents' disapproval to his affair and, thankfully, we always managed to work it out. You sure skated over a couple of quite serious issues here, OP. When did he cheat, and for how long? Why don't your parents approve of him? There seems to be much more going on in the greater landscape of your relationship than a guy who's just too hung up on his job and making money. Link to post Share on other sites
Author killerqueen7 Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 You sure skated over a couple of quite serious issues here, OP. When did he cheat, and for how long? Why don't your parents approve of him? There seems to be much more going on in the greater landscape of your relationship than a guy who's just too hung up on his job and making money. That was at the beginning of the relationship. My parents didn't approve of him because (I'm even embarrassed to say it) he is from another country but they actually love him now. As for the cheating, three years ago, I caught him texting with a girl, which had been going on for a few months. They went out once (with their mutual friends) but never slept together. Although, in my world that still counts as cheating... I forgave him after a looong time but it definitely affected me and my self-esteem back then. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years What keeps you there (besides "hope") if you're lonely, feeling under valued and neglected? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 What do you do? Do you have a career? you have plenty of time to build up your own career or follow your own dream or whatever. Under this situation you certainly can't make him the cornerstone of your happiness. It's highly unlikely he is faithful. Guys just don't do without. I mean I'm just going to say that you need to continue to build your own life. Don't wait for him to make a life for you. Build your career, do your own traveling, get a pet, or if you already know that you need someone who's around more then don't waste any more time with him and get out of it. you're in a position of strength where you have all the space you need to build up your own life before pulling the trigger on leaving. You can get out at your leisure if you decide to. You're not married. You can just leave and live your own life and what he's in town you can see him until you meet someone local who wants to spend more time with you. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 I don't know where he is working but I can almost guarantee you that he has more girlfriends there who he is stringing along like you Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 .As for the cheating, three years ago, I caught him texting with a girl, which had been going on for a few months. They went out once (with their mutual friends) but never slept together. Although, in my world that still counts as cheating... I forgave him after a looong time but it definitely affected me and my self-esteem back then. Unfortunately, you have learned he doesn't have the moral compass to stay faithful. Perhaps he's learned from his poor decisions in the past, but I would not be surprised to learn he's up to old tricks. His current behaviour suggests there is something not right. The relationship is one-sided anyway, OP. You have a decision to make, since it's become clear he doesn't have any intention to change his situation any time soon. You can either continue to put yourself through what sounds like a very lonely relationship, or you can set yourself free to find a man who will be more invested in you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author killerqueen7 Posted June 9, 2019 Author Share Posted June 9, 2019 What keeps you there (besides "hope") if you're lonely, feeling under valued and neglected? The huge amount of love I have for him, hope that we WILL work it out, as well as genuine fear of being too heartbroken if I leave. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 The huge amount of love I have for him, are you willing to share that love with multiple women? if so then by all means, stay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author killerqueen7 Posted June 9, 2019 Author Share Posted June 9, 2019 What do you do? Do you have a career? you have plenty of time to build up your own career or follow your own dream or whatever. Under this situation you certainly can't make him the cornerstone of your happiness. It's highly unlikely he is faithful. Guys just don't do without. I mean I'm just going to say that you need to continue to build your own life. Don't wait for him to make a life for you. Build your career, do your own traveling, get a pet, or if you already know that you need someone who's around more then don't waste any more time with him and get out of it. you're in a position of strength where you have all the space you need to build up your own life before pulling the trigger on leaving. You can get out at your leisure if you decide to. You're not married. You can just leave and live your own life and what he's in town you can see him until you meet someone local who wants to spend more time with you. Thanks for the reply!! :-) I am working as a kindergarten teacher in order to save up because I wanna go to the States and make my dream of working in entertainment a reality. I work hard, I travel a lot (even alone - which is the BEST thing), I have my own hobbies.. I suffer from anxiety disorder and my urge to feel that I have everything is under control is massive. But I don't feel that I'm in control when it comes to my relationship. Everything else is okay. However, I am 100% sure that he isn't unfaithful and I have my reasons to believe that so, honestly, I'm not worried about that part. The problem is his lack of time and how amazing he feels when he accomplishes something great - he gets super ecstatic and hungry for more, which makes me think that I need to prove myself. I don't know if it sounds stupid... Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 I see a fundamental problem if you cannot discuss all the issues, he is only willing to discuss the positive things, he seems to be ignoring your concerns and not giving you reassurance, not supporting you, I think you need to stand up for yourself more, take a firmer stance with him and get things out on the table, your an equal partner at the end of the day, not at the mercy of his decisions. stand up for yourself. a decision on the relationship can come later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author killerqueen7 Posted June 9, 2019 Author Share Posted June 9, 2019 I see a fundamental problem if you cannot discuss all the issues, he is only willing to discuss the positive things, he seems to be ignoring your concerns and not giving you reassurance, not supporting you, I think you need to stand up for yourself more, take a firmer stance with him and get things out on the table, your an equal partner at the end of the day, not at the mercy of his decisions. stand up for yourself. a decision on the relationship can come later. That's exactly the issue! He's been avoiding the negative stuff and, now I honestly feel that I'm annoying when I bring something up. And it's funny because I talk to his mom a lot and she recently told me the same thing - to stand up for myself and not let him make me feel guilty. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 For the past two years I have been accepting the fact that I am not a priority... When he is away, he only talks to me if he can fit it in. I feel pathetic for asking for attention and love. I keep bringing up the difficult subjects because I want them worked out, but I am constantly told that I only focus on the negative stuff, so I'm even afraid to mention it because I know he'll get annoyed. So, you're not engaged, correct? Has he even talked about marriage and the future as if he's enthusiastic, beyond some abstract notion (maybe someday scenarios)? You're wasting prime years and have no assurance with respect to the future... not that anything is ever completely certain, but from what I'm reading it sounds like you're on hold, unhappy, with no concrete plan. He's making money (presumably saving) and developing the career (future earning capacity), but these are not your assets at all, even though you're making a significant sacrifice, and if he were to waste even more of your time and then say adios, you've got nothing. Literally nothing. The other part that bothers the hell out of me is he doesn't communicate it's convenient for him, and he won't broach the topics that are of concern to you. This would make the relationship questionable even if you were physically together all the time. How often do you talk, and how often are you actually together? Four years could easily turn into ten if you don't do something decisive. My fear is that he's leading you on without much intention. are you willing to share that love with multiple women? if so then by all means, stay Well, he cheated once but to say he's doing so now as if you actually know is not very fair to her. It's merely a possibility. Facts not in evidence. She should be making this decision based on the facts and circumstances that she has, not imaginary stuff. Let's not put this on her plate. It's already full. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Thanks for the reply!! :-) I am working as a kindergarten teacher in order to save up because I wanna go to the States and make my dream of working in entertainment a reality. I work hard, I travel a lot (even alone - which is the BEST thing), I have my own hobbies.. I suffer from anxiety disorder and my urge to feel that I have everything is under control is massive. But I don't feel that I'm in control when it comes to my relationship. Everything else is okay. However, I am 100% sure that he isn't unfaithful and I have my reasons to believe that so, honestly, I'm not worried about that part. The problem is his lack of time and how amazing he feels when he accomplishes something great - he gets super ecstatic and hungry for more, which makes me think that I need to prove myself. I don't know if it sounds stupid... What are you doing career wise to prepare yourself to enter the entertainment business here in the US. Are you getting help for your anxiety disorder? There is a lot of rejection involved in the entertainment industry and you have to be strong enough to take it and still keep trying. Are you ready for that? Your bf is excited about his life because is accomplishing goals and moving forward. Are you in school? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 You're wasting prime years and have no assurance with respect to the future... not that anything is ever completely certain, but from what I'm reading it sounds like you're on hold, unhappy, with no concrete plan. He's making money (presumably saving) and developing the career (future earning capacity), but these are not your assets at all, even though you're making a significant sacrifice, and if he were to waste even more of your time and then say adios, you've got nothing. Literally nothing. She's making the sacrifice for her sick family member, not for him. That isn't his fault that she chooses to stay where she is rather than start her life. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Let's not put this on her plate. It's already full. the fact that he may be fooling around in this scenario is fairly high and something the OP needs to acknowledge 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 The huge amount of love I have for him, What good is it to love someone who leaves you lonely, undervalued, sad and unfulfilled emotionally? What good is loving someone who does not love you back enough to want to make you happy with them? hope that we WILL work it out, as well as genuine fear of being too heartbroken if I leave.These are not the words of someone who is in a loving reciprocal relationship but rather the words of someone who is addicted to who they are unhappy with and too codependent to leave. Please get yourself into therapy to either help you to get the confidence and love of self to leave or, give you the personal insight to learn how to accept what you have with him and quit hoping and wishing he change. He won't. You have accepted his indifference to you and his prioritizing his career over you for far too long. You have taught him how to treat you, luv. I am sorry and I hope you garner whatever it is you need within in order to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author killerqueen7 Posted June 10, 2019 Author Share Posted June 10, 2019 So, you're not engaged, correct? Has he even talked about marriage and the future as if he's enthusiastic, beyond some abstract notion (maybe someday scenarios)? You're wasting prime years and have no assurance with respect to the future... not that anything is ever completely certain, but from what I'm reading it sounds like you're on hold, unhappy, with no concrete plan. He's making money (presumably saving) and developing the career (future earning capacity), but these are not your assets at all, even though you're making a significant sacrifice, and if he were to waste even more of your time and then say adios, you've got nothing. Literally nothing. No, we aren't engaged but he does wanna marry me - we have talked about that quite a lot. But you're right about the fact that, if we were to break up, I would be the one left with nothing and it's a very scary thought. I have a hard time digesting that and I honestly feel embarrassed at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author killerqueen7 Posted June 10, 2019 Author Share Posted June 10, 2019 What are you doing career wise to prepare yourself to enter the entertainment business here in the US. Are you getting help for your anxiety disorder? There is a lot of rejection involved in the entertainment industry and you have to be strong enough to take it and still keep trying. Are you ready for that? Your bf is excited about his life because is accomplishing goals and moving forward. Are you in school? I have 3+ years of experience from the entertainment industry in LA so I have a stepping stone. Since I'm living in Europe, moving overseas isn't that cheap and, since my mom is battling cancer, I wanna be with her until her treatment is over. And yes, I am getting help for my anxiety disorder Link to post Share on other sites
mateo66 Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 todo ser humano comete errores, y siempre hay una segunda oportunidad. depende de lo que te hayan hecho es la decicion de romper con alguien....asi que piensalo bien Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 His career aside, you're unhappy and you need to focus on you and just let him go and find someone that will be just as in love with you as you are with him. If he really wanted a relationship with you, he'd fit more time in to see you and talk to you when he's abroad. And he isn't. And cheating is cheating no matter the length of time it's been since he's done it. Trust has been broken and that's a must in any relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Xenia Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 I mean I'm just going to say that you need to continue to build your own life. Don't wait for him to make a life for you. Build your career, do your own traveling, get a pet, or if you already know that you need someone who's around more then don't waste any more time with him and get out of it. you're in a position of strength where you have all the space you need to build up your own life before pulling the trigger on leaving. You can get out at your leisure if you decide to. You're not married. You can just leave and live your own life and what he's in town you can see him until you meet someone local who wants to spend more time with you. Totally agree. Now it's better to focus on your own life. Tbh, I have the same situation bc my BF is a sailor and I have few friends, so I feel devastated most of the time. That's not okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Mila_Levi Posted September 2, 2019 Share Posted September 2, 2019 Maybe you should ask him - Do you want to create a family with me or a career? And ask yourself - do you want to be with that man who doesn't care about you? Link to post Share on other sites
Fekenaws Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 Let me make this easy for you: "For the past two years, I have been accepting the fact that I am not a priority" This is all you need to break up with him. You aren't happy, he isn't prioritizing the relationship. Find someone who has time for you in their lives. Someone who already is established in their career and has finished the rat race to the top. TL;DR- If you are unhappy in a relationship, it already failed. Link to post Share on other sites
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