How to get back out there when you’ve been out of the dating scene for awhile?

[Cora]

So I recently got back on an online dating site after taking a break from dating for a few years. I used that time to work on myself, went to therapy, started exercising again and getting healthy physically and mentally. Haven’t had the best of luck with dating in my past. I think it all really took a toll on me....especially the guy I dated for six months five years ago who left me with no closure. Took me forever to get over him and to trust again. And then the guy I dated after him who was verbally abusive. My self esteem was already in the toilet, but just got worse when I was dating him.

 

So I signed up for a dating site about a week ago and it’s just been overwhelming. I’ve been talking to several guys the past few days (who seem nice and whom I’m very much attracted to) and two of them asked what I was doing this weekend. I figured they were asking to see if I was free in order to ask to meet up in person. Well I panicked and told both of them I was going to be out of town this weekend which was a lie. I guess I’m not ready to get back out there afterall. Thought I was because I miss dating and having that companionship, but if I’m too scared to even meet these guys in person then what am I even doing on a dating site?

 

It was so much easier in my twenties. I loved dating and would go out several times a week on dates with different guys. It just seems harder now and I’m not sure why? Maybe it’s just because I have been out of the game for awhile...I don’t know. But I am having major anxieties this time around.

 

Any tips on getting back out there? Does it get easier the more you date?

[Curiousroxy86]

Well you already did one of the steps to getting back out there

 

Congrats on the work you have done on yourself

 

Is the reason you feel anxiety because you feel like you will run into the wrong guys again?

 

If so I am here to tell you...you will run into the wrong guys again lol

 

Now that does not mean you won’t find a great person. The only guarantee of you not finding the right person is when you actually give up opening yourself up to getting to know people. So don’t give up dating but part of managing your anxieties and fears is being realistic. You will attract men. Some will be bad some will be good and you need just one to be right for you. So if you know now to see the red flags and get rid of the wrong guys quicker then you dont have to be afraid to open up to guys in general. Having boundaries is suppose to protect you as much as possible to things that can and will go wrong in dating. You just have to have them and follow them. Have you identified with the failed relationships where you went wrong and what you will correct going forward? For example next time a guy puts me down I will respond with “hey that’s not okay” and if he does it again I will breakup. That’s just an example of a plan to correct going forward based on what you might have tolerated that you shouldn’t have in the past.....

 

So to me that’s a next step if you haven’t done that already

 

If that’s not even what you feel anxiety about and just nervous about meeting a new guy cause you haven’t done it in so long then the only thing to do to get over that is to just do it. Multi dating like you did in the past may be too overwhelming if meeting a new guy is what causes your anxiety. I normally recommend multi dating before exclusivity but for you if that is the case I would FOR NOW converse with one guy you fancy until you go on a date. Don’t focus on him as if purposely being exclusive and hoping he would do the same. Only focus on one guy like that if he ask for exclusivity. Instead your only focusing on this one guy to take it slow for yourself to see if your anxieties will calm and meeting a new person will get easier. If after the first date your feeling a bit more confident you can began to talk to other men if you want. Assuming this is where your anxieties are then yes as you go on more dates that does get easier.

 

As far as tips on getting back out there. Imo not much to it except look good, smell good, get out the house as often as you can doing things that you like to do, the more social it is the better, update your dating profile and social media with pretty pictures, and when you see a guy you are attractive too in real life look him in the eyes without looking away and smile, and online send a wink or say hello, let men intiate asking you out, asking for your number, and contacting you. Be open, flirty, feminine, have fun, have boundaries, and be safe!

[The Outlaw]

You've taken the steps necessary to improve yourself, and you've joined a dating website. If you aren't comfortable with that, I'd recommend going to hang out with friends, they may know someone that's also looking. A friend told me a few months ago that meeting someone through mutual friends is the best way to meet somebody. It's better than online. And you've just got to be totally comfortable and willing to take the risk of throwing caution to the wind and possibly getting burned again, that's what it's all about. Not every guy is the same, but good luck.

[smackie9]

Get yourself a dating/life coach to give you some solid guidance. Sounds like you still dealing with baggage that needs to be let go.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, a dating coach ... or go to therapy and use a therapist as a dating coach. Sounds like could use a therapist because you're taking "failed" relationships way too hard ... You want to recover much more quickly than you are from relationships that aren't great.

 

So here's a tip ... for one, you can go slow and should go slow. By slow I mean emotionally slow.

 

Say you accepted a date with one of these guys ... go low key ... keep the first date short and simple and understand there's no need to kiss on a first date ... and ... there's no requirement for you to like the person. You're merely going to a first short interview with someone ... Relax ... all you want to determine is whether you are interested in going to a second, slightly longer interview with the person. That's it.

 

Sounds like you jump way ahead when you think of dating. Your mind and heart jump to possible relationships and love and partnerships and sex. NO! You are just trying to meet this person ... and you don't have to work hard to determine if you like the person. Just be honest.

 

Keep the dates short ... and if you are still overwhelmed and terrified ... then get to therapy ... for healing some of the old wounds ... and ... for great support and guidance in the present as you date again.

 

My view is that dating seems harder mainly because when you're older, you're a lot smarter. Sorta like 16-year-old drivers don't really how dangerous the road is ... compared to someone older. Same with dating.

 

At the very least, find a gf ... or a good friend ... to talk out your dates afterwards ... Sounds like you need a little support in knowing how to relax and just meet people. That's fine. No shame in that.

Edited June 9, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[guest569]

This seems pretty normal to me. Dating is hard, putting yourself back out there is daunting. Can you pinpoint what is holding you back, and why you're making the excuse of being out of town?

 

Dating was probably easier in your 20s because that was before all these nasty things happened. But it has made you wiser and stronger so that will make it easier if you can get past your fears.

[d0nnivain]

Actually get back out there. That means do activities you enjoy & meet new people that way. Get off OLD. That format can make even the strongest people crumble. Do not subject yourself to that.

[Cora]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. I truly appreciate al the advice! I think it’s a combination of being nervous since it’s been awhile since I’ve dated, but also the fact that I’m afraid I’ll run into the same kind of men from my past and end up getting hurt again. I know that’s a part of life though so I just need to get over that. And I know if I don’t put myself out there then I’ll never have the chance of possibly meeting someone nice.

 

OLD isn’t my first choice of meeting people, but I stay so busy and am very shy and introverted (even been told by a therapist I have social anxiety) so actually getting out there and doing things with people and going to meetups are hard for me. But I’m trying to get better at doing those things because I know they can only help me. Most of my friends are married and have families of their own so we don’t get to do things as much as they stay very busy and they don’t really know any single people to set me up with. But they always tell me they wish they knew someone. They are the ones who told me to give OLD another try. A couple of them met their spouses online and even my brother met his fiancé on a dating app. But I know that’s probably more rare these days than anything.

 

I honestly don’t know how much longer I am going to stay on the dating site. I’m already getting exhausted and overwhelmed. I’m not used to talking to several different guys at once. I know that’s better than focusing on just one and getting your hopes up on that one person. I just feel like my head is spinning trying to weed through all the guys who have lied about their age, asked me for money and who are looking for just one thing. On the flip side their are a couple who seem nice whom I’d like to get to know better. I guess we shall see. I do like the idea of looking at these first meetings with these guys as interviews because really that’s kind of what they are. So maybe that will help me.

 

Thanks again for the great advice! Oh and by the way, how do you find a dating coach? Probably a silly question, but I know nothing about this stuff. Lol

[Foxhall]

lol you are probably my type of girl!

 

Anyway leaving that aside, I would say,

 

do not panic with it, take it slowly,

 

perhaps 3 guys is enough at any one time to be talking to online,

 

if your talking to someone this week, you could arrange to meet them towards the end of June, give you a bit of breathing space,

 

in your situation talking to someone today and arranging to meet them Saturday puts you under too much stress so take it at your own pace,

 

well social anxiety and all that, meeting and greeting for the first few times will be awkward but once you have done it 50 times it will be easier,

 

Id say go on a few casual coffee dates, do not have any great expectations but try to enjoy it.

Edited June 11, 2019 by Foxhall

[Lotsgoingon]

You can get to know three guys at the same time ... because you are only trying to see if they are worth meeting a second time.

 

No need for long conversations ... Just schedule coffee sessions with each ... there's a good chance that you won't feel it for two of the three or won't like all three ...

 

Then you schedule a new set of three guys for coffee ... Some people do this at the same cafe ...

 

Your job is to screen out people ... not to pressure yourself to go out again with people. The people you want to go out with a second time are those who you are OVERWHELMINGLY clear you want to talk to again.

 

You can do one at a time ... but it's so inefficient. No need to text before the date. Texting is a complete waste of time. You cannot tell someone's energy or whether you'll like them via texting. And no need to talk on the phone. Set up the date and go ... Set up date with #2 and go ... again ... coffee dates ... just to see if you like them enough to go out again.

[alphamale]

go to the bookstore and find some recent books on dating and OLD

[Cora]

Thanks again for all the advice and tips. Well I have my first meet up this Saturday afternoon. We are meeting for coffee. At least I didn’t make up some lie this time and actually agreed to meeting.....baby steps. I’m a bit nervous, but keep telling myself it’s only an interview.

[Lotsgoingon]

Go Cora!

 

Just show up ... and relax ... you're not proving yourself. You are simply introduction yourself and meeting someone else introducing themselves.

[guest569]

That's great, have fun!

 

If it helps, I'm in exactly the same boat!

[Cora]

Thanks! The more I talk to him the less nervous I get. Hopefully the more dates I go on the easier it will be. Well here goes nothing...either a second date will come of it or I’ll never see him again. Still talking to several other guys, but so far it’s just been talk. None of them have mentioned meeting.

[Cora]

Well we actually may not be meeting today afterall. He has been feeling sick the last few days and he text me this morning saying he might have to reschedule because he’s coughing a lot and lost his voice. Said he didn’t want to be coughing all over me during our first meeting. I think he thought I didn’t believe him because he said he could FaceTime me to show me he’s telling the truth. He said he’s actually feeling a little better but still coughing a lot. I told him if he needed to reschedule that was fine. Gives me more time to calm my nerves anyway. Lol. Another guy I’ve been talking to mentioned wanting to meet. He’s in the army though and said he may be getting deployed soon and wanted to meet me before that. Not sure how that’s going to work out.....like even if we did hit it off, not being able to see each other a lot. This dating thing is exhausting though and I haven’t even went on any dates yet. Talking to about 8 different guys right now and honestly it’s a little hard for me to keep them all straight. I don’t know how people do it.

[FMW]

It sounds like maybe you don't, but if you do have any single friends, go out with them to a place where there are single people looking to socialize and ease your self into meeting guys in a low key way like that. If you have work-related happy hours go to those. Being out with friends/co-workers is a great way to ease into meeting and talking to new guys because you have the safety net of your group to fall back on.

[Cora]

Well we met afterall. I was a nervous wreck, but I pushed myself to go and actually had a nice time chatting with him. We actually have a lot in common. He seems like a really nice guy and insisted on walking me to my car after. He asked me if I’d be interested in going out again and I said I would. Not sure how I feel about him yet, but I definitely think I’d like to get to know him better. I think it’s because he made me laugh a lot. Anyway, we shall see how it goes. Until then I guess I’ll wait and see if the other guy I’m talking to plans to meet up.

[FMW]

That's awesome!

[alphamale]

. ... He seems like a really nice guy ...

 

oh! that's the kiss of death

[guest569]

Well that sounds positive! Hope you don't get sick now. haha! Can't believe he offered to Face Time to 'prove' it.. weird.

[Cora]

Ugh rejection sucks!

 

So today he tells me he thinks I’m just too closed off for him and that we probably wouldn’t match up long term. This caught me so off guard. I mean that was a fear of mine. But it takes me awhile to open up to people. I guess he’s just looking for someone more outgoing and there is nothing wrong with that. I appreciate his honesty. It still sucks though. Eh back to the drawing board I guess...