Long Distance Relationship - right time for a serious discussion

[Karakan1995]

Hi

 

Just a little intro to my context: I live in the UK. Two months ago I went for a city break on my own to visit a European city. Went to a really cool museum and then was admiring it from the outside. While doing this I spotted a really hot girl on her own doing exactly the same and taking some pics of the museum. I felt like there is nothing to lose, so I approached her. We started chatting and quite quickly were getting along very well together. In the end we spent the next couple of days together visiting the city and other nearby areas. We made out several times, were holding hands, etc. I was not pushing for sex, as felt like sooner or later we will see each other again (even though she is from Mexico). Having sex so early could kill the magic. In the end she flew back to her country, but agreed that we would keep talking to each other.

 

Days were passing and we were getting closer. Not so much progress in first 2/3 weeks, but it has accelerated quickly since then. We basically text each other every day and have a long call 2/3 times a week. I can see from her body language and behavior that she likes me, and I can say the same thing about myself. She also introduced me to her family which is cool, and perhaps shows that she takes me seriously. Apparently her parents are really excited about what is happening between us.

We call each other babe or use other sweet names; often talk what we would do if we were living together; already have some inside jokes; occasionally do some sexting, etc. Overall, we are having a lot of fun and enjoy each other's company.

 

A few weeks ago she resigned from her job in Mexico and now she is trying to find another one either in Mexico or the UK. Obviously, finding a job in the former is much easier, but getting one in the UK is also doable with her previous experience. I helped her with CV editing and finding an agency. We will see what happens.

 

Overall, we have had a lot of fun chats, but what is missing is a slightly more serious conversation about our relationship. We actually never agreed to be in one. We are kind of waiting to see what happens with her job applications; but I feel like our decision - as to whether we are in a relationship or not - should not be largely influenced by external factors, such as finding a job in the UK. In my opinion the decision should be the same regardless of these factors. And then we should work together to find solutions.

 

Today I realised that we should have really had this conversation earlier. She was at a birthday party of her friend. I texted her mentioning that I still have not had my dirty drunk messages from her (it is kind of a tradition now that she sends them to me while she is tipsy). She refused and did not appear to be in mood for talking. Instead. she texted 'You should really take care of me, as they are trying to set me up with someone'. I replied 'It is you not me haha. No guy can hit on a girl if he is getting no responses'. Then she said that 'I seem to be cocky'. I did not reply further as thought that this conversation is not going to lead anywhere good. Obviously, she was very drunk at that point, but I have no idea what to think about it. Whether something actually happened or if she was doing a some sort of a **** test.

 

I would appreciate your advice guys. First of all, do you think that it is a good time to have a slightly more serious conversation about us? Secondly, I am not sure how to deal with that birthday party thing. I do not even know if anything happened, but clearly something is not right. I feel like she should at least apologise me next day and initiate a chat about it.

[ExpatInItaly]

How much time did you actually spend together in person, OP?

[Karakan1995]

2 full days

[d0nnivain]

Since you want to talk about, have the conversation. There is no wrong time. If she knows you are serious, that might motivate her to look harder for a job near you.

 

However, if she takes a job at home, you may need to assume that your glamourous foreign tryst was just a one off thing because the immigration issues may be insurmountable. Sustaining an international LDR is often more trouble then it's worth & rarely has the happily ever after you are dreaming about.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 full days

 

This is why I asked.

 

I think you're both putting the cart before the horse with pet names and talk of what living together would be like and so on. You first need to see if you'd even get along in person, over a more extended period. At the moment, this of course isn't possible.

 

I think you first need to understand if she has serious intentions of relocating to the UK - regardless of what may or may not happen between you two. You two don't know each other well enough to make such a huge move for the sake of dating, in my opinion.

 

As for the birthday party, well, she is clearly tiring of an online relationship. Sure, she wishes you were there but not much can be done about that. It was kind of a silly thing to say to you, but it does say something about her maturity level. I would wait to see if she reaches out.

[Karakan1995]

Since you want to talk about, have the conversation. There is no wrong time. If she knows you are serious, that might motivate her to look harder for a job near you.

 

However, if she takes a job at home, you may need to assume that your glamourous foreign tryst was just a one off thing because the immigration issues may be insurmountable. Sustaining an international LDR is often more trouble then it's worth & rarely has the happily ever after you are dreaming about.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

I probably should have mentioned that her original plan was to do a masters degree in the UK. It would, however, commence in September next year rather than this year (as it is slightly too late now to organise it on good terms and conditions). Then she started considering the option of working here for a year before starting a masters course next year. We could obviously make the LDR work for over a year (assuming that we would see each other every few months), but as you are saying sustaining it would involve a lot of stress and effort.

[Karakan1995]

This is why I asked.

 

I think you're both putting the cart before the horse with pet names and talk of what living together would be like and so on. You first need to see if you'd even get along in person, over a more extended period. At the moment, this of course isn't possible.

 

I think you first need to understand if she has serious intentions of relocating to the UK - regardless of what may or may not happen between you two. You two don't know each other well enough to make such a huge move for the sake of dating, in my opinion.

 

As for the birthday party, well, she is clearly tiring of an online relationship. Sure, she wishes you were there but not much can be done about that. It was kind of a silly thing to say to you, but it does say something about her maturity level. I would wait to see if she reaches out.

 

Thanks for your response. Yes, I get your point, but as you know the options to see each other in person are quite limited. It may not be the right timing to talk about these things (even in a casual manner), but I feel like they bring us closer.

 

Like I said in my previous response, she is considering moving to the UK next year regardless of me. This time, however, she would move here a year earlier so we would be living in the same place.

[d0nnivain]

If there was already a plan for her to move to the UK then sustaining an LDR for 1 year is not that bad.

 

I thought she only started talking about relocating after she met you. Sustaining an international LDR indefinitely with only pipe dreams of getting together again is unsustainable.

 

Talk to her. But talk, don't text. Ask what she wants.

 

Having been home for a while, the allure of her foreign love interest may be paling compared to the possibility of a local boy's arms around her. Sorry but that is reality.

 

If you do work it out, do not initially move in together. You need to date conventionally for at least a year before you think about cohabitation.

 

In the short term see if you can plan a trip to see each other again in a few months. You will need to keep the fires burning.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for your response. Yes, I get your point, but as you know the options to see each other in person are quite limited. It may not be the right timing to talk about these things (even in a casual manner), but I feel like they bring us closer.

 

Like I said in my previous response, she is considering moving to the UK next year regardless of me. This time, however, she would move here a year earlier so we would be living in the same place.

 

Yes, and that's exactly my point. Making such a big move now would need to be of her own volition, and without the assumption that it will lead to something more serious with each other. You might hit it off, or you might learn that you're totally incompatible. At the moment, you have too little real-life time together to make any predictions about your suitability for each other.

 

Unless she is very serious about moving there, and is taking steps toward doing so, I would operate under the assumption that this was a fun fling but not going to go further. You can of course let her know that you like her and want the opportunity to explore a more serious relationship, but that you would like to know where she stands in terms of relocation. And yes, I would have that conversation soon so you don't waste your time if she's not truly on the same page.

 

I get the impression she liked the sounds of it at first, but is realizing that a virtual relationship can't match up to the very real opportunities around her, ie. other local guys that might be interested.

[Foxhall]

well you caught my attention straight away, when you mentioned a Mexican!

 

they are a truly wonderful people and I have no doubt the best women in the world,

 

I met a Mexican , six years ago now, a little similar to your situation,

 

I did not fulfil my dream of marrying her which will always be a big regret for me, we remain good friends though and I think I have to visit Guadalajara very soon,

 

Look Id normally advise caution this type of scenario,my normal logical post is going out the window here,

 

a Mexican is worth everything buddy, she is the absolute gold,

 

do everything you can to entice her to you.

[chillii]

Ha , exactly what l was thinking. l don't live in the states or know any Mexican but from what l've seen even in media, very special women.

She wanted you to do more op and if you still feel very special about her and her you l'd personally be doing it myself.

lf she still feels the same fly over to see her a few times meantime, see how things go , see if more of a bond and foundation build.

She doesn't know you well enough yet to move there just for you butttt, if you do and things grow, who know, she might .

Edited June 12, 2019 by chillii